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Original poster

how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

321 replies

yellowsplashes · 07/12/2022 08:59

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 07/12/2022 14:38

Echobelly · 07/12/2022 14:14

YANBU - I'd respond along the lines of 'I wish X the best of luck, but to be honest I don't think I'd feel comfortable working with her given our connection' - I'd also be seeing if there's some way I could help her, other than being a client,, and offering that, so it's not just a 'no' if possible

Women! Know your place! The word "no" must never be uttered by you!

Even to abusive typecasters who exploited your private history by relating it to their to their teenage daughter, for financial gain.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/12/2022 14:40

YouTarzan · 07/12/2022 14:25

People keep going on about confidentiality, as if this couple have worked with the Op in a professional capacity, but I don’t think that’s the case.

Why does it need to be?

I never thought so for one moment.
It's still immoral, unethical, humiliating, hurtful, & 'othering'.

Unless you think it's the norm to go gossiping about other people's abusive foster homes & experience of DV @YouTarzan?

Bananagirl23 · 07/12/2022 14:44

They are exploiting your past for the advancement of their daughter’s ‘career’! And they haven’t bothered to check if you even need any sort of ‘help’ or ‘therapy’ which you clearly don’t - I’m fuming on your behalf OP…

Zanatdy · 07/12/2022 14:50

Very kind of them but totally inappropriate to push this. It might get them off your back if you call her. Explain that her parents suggested you as a client but you don’t need that kind of help anymore at this stage in your life. No 19yr old can give great advice in my opinion, I think I’d make a good life coach at 45, I am an unofficial one with my team, ex team members or even random people in my organisation who contact me as I’m nice and I am a good listener. Seriously if I could list some of the stuff I’ve had people tell me recently I could write a book!

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 07/12/2022 14:51

I feel it's important to speak to the DD herself rather than her parents. If it is a proper business of hers (taking it with a large pinch of salt, as it's an MLM imo!), she needs to get her parents to disengage as they are interfering. I suppose it's possible she doesn't even know that her parents are unintentionally sabotaging her by showing her to be unprofessional.

I wouldn't speak to the parents at all. They do not deserve an explanation.

Sunnysideup999 · 07/12/2022 14:53

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/12/2022 12:59

They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30

You don't need them any more, OP, and they can't handle that. They still see you as the vulnerable teenager who relied on them for help.

This.
I would wish their daughter well in her new business venture and say sorry it’s not appropriate for her to ‘work’ with you in this way.
then change the subject

saraclara · 07/12/2022 14:58

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 07/12/2022 14:51

I feel it's important to speak to the DD herself rather than her parents. If it is a proper business of hers (taking it with a large pinch of salt, as it's an MLM imo!), she needs to get her parents to disengage as they are interfering. I suppose it's possible she doesn't even know that her parents are unintentionally sabotaging her by showing her to be unprofessional.

I wouldn't speak to the parents at all. They do not deserve an explanation.

The parents absolutely DO need to be confronted about this. Otherwise they will continue to share OP's personal history, which is absolutely NOT theirs to gossip about.

The OP owes the daughter nothing. Getting involved in communicating with her is only going to prolong this situation.

AmyDudley · 07/12/2022 15:00

I'd definitely go with the boundaries issue, and say that if you did want any coaching it would have to be with someone you didn't know for you to feel comfortable

Alternatively go the more direct route - tell them 'wellness coaching' is a load of old bollocks and you'd rather poke yourelf in the eye.

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 07/12/2022 15:05

saraclara · 07/12/2022 14:58

The parents absolutely DO need to be confronted about this. Otherwise they will continue to share OP's personal history, which is absolutely NOT theirs to gossip about.

The OP owes the daughter nothing. Getting involved in communicating with her is only going to prolong this situation.

Show quote history

Fair point, they do need to be told how massively wrong it is to gossip about OP

My thoughts re speaking to the DD direct was that the parents are still babying her by arranging potential clients for her, so to speak to them about it carries that on. Cutting them out of the conversation entirely demonstrates both that OP is perfectly capable of sorting shit out herself, and that their DD is an adult who can also sort her own shit out. It underlines that it is not their business to interfere with.

Geville · 07/12/2022 15:20

I had a coach who is 16 years younger than me.

had I not followed her for a long time I’d have had the same attitude as you.

however this young lady who was 25 at the time and I was 41, she changed my life.

she was an incredible coach. The perfect fit.

so I would never dismiss someone based on age again.

however, what I would say is that coaching and opening up to anyone is a deeply personal thing and if you’re going to be coached YOU have to choose the coach, not have someone foisted on you.

i wouldn’t cut them off but I would say you’re not ready for coaching at the moment but when you are, you’ll be in touch.

don’t be unkind. A polite “not now” is all you need to say.

Janbohonut · 07/12/2022 15:22

There's also something distasteful to me about both parents taking someone out to lunch to set her up as their daughter's first client.

I'm all for helping your kids and I might have gotten further faster had I been hothoused like this, but really, what is it teaching the daughter?

It's a meaningless Mummy and Daddy Bought Me A Job Job. Not a real one.

They are doing her no favours, and they are being deeply dismissive of you and who you are now, above and beyond whatever they did when you were younger.

Scrambledchickens · 07/12/2022 15:23

19 yo wellness coach is an oxymoron :)
you sound amazing btw they obviously feel a bit parental towards you, I would let them know v gently that you have it covered :)

Suffrajitsu · 07/12/2022 15:24

Could you say something to the effect that you don't feel you would be good practice for her as you've moved on, but if it would help you'd be happy to have a chat with her about how you achieved that in case she finds it helpful?

KettrickenSmiled · 07/12/2022 15:31

Geville · 07/12/2022 15:20

I had a coach who is 16 years younger than me.

had I not followed her for a long time I’d have had the same attitude as you.

however this young lady who was 25 at the time and I was 41, she changed my life.

she was an incredible coach. The perfect fit.

so I would never dismiss someone based on age again.

however, what I would say is that coaching and opening up to anyone is a deeply personal thing and if you’re going to be coached YOU have to choose the coach, not have someone foisted on you.

i wouldn’t cut them off but I would say you’re not ready for coaching at the moment but when you are, you’ll be in touch.

don’t be unkind. A polite “not now” is all you need to say.

That's brilliant for you @Geville & a 'perfect fit' coach/counsellor/therapist/mentor can be life-changing.

But Life & Wellness Coaches should not be going anywhere near people with history of eg CSA, ACE, foster home abuse. Either the 19 year old hasn't imparted that fact to her parents, or the quality of whatever course she went on was so poor that the organisation didn't know that, or even worse - they did, but didn't highlight & prohibit it.

Most Life Coaching is basically an MLM scam nowadays.
There are some rare birds, but finding them takes care & effort, & "we betrayed your confidence by telling our teenager all about your abuse & our perception of your victimhood, & reckon she's well placed to take your cash handle your specific & extensive trauma" isn't it.

saraclara · 07/12/2022 15:37

Suffrajitsu · 07/12/2022 15:24

Could you say something to the effect that you don't feel you would be good practice for her as you've moved on, but if it would help you'd be happy to have a chat with her about how you achieved that in case she finds it helpful?

Why should she go through this pretence? Why should she have to 'be nice' to these people who've gossipped about her past life to their teenager? And why on God's earth should she offer to 'have a chat' with said teenager about her private past to 'be helpful'?

RachelGreeneGreep · 07/12/2022 15:43

They are so out of order with this, that I don't know where to begin.
I would be saying a very firm no, and disengaging completely from them.

Echobelly · 07/12/2022 15:44

@KettrickenSmiled (great name by the way) - I don't see a 'No, but X instead' approach as about 'being too nice to say no'. I see it as a good way of stopping people pushing the thing you don't want to do on you more as you've given then something to distract them from pushing the thing. I use it as an assertive move myself.

But I guess the parents have pushed it too far in this case and the OP probably doesn't want anything from them in the future, so you have a point that this is probably not a suitable approach here.

LlynTegid · 07/12/2022 15:47

Conflict of interest in my book. Just say no.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/12/2022 15:56

I can imagine your surprize and horror Op. Totally unreasonable to have told your life history to their DD and suggest you as a client. Her age is immaterial here, what's relevant is that you don't need a life coach now especially not one related to friends. Can you imagine the conversations in their house about what she should suggest and how your getting on? YADDNBU to say no

Geville · 07/12/2022 15:59

KettrickenSmiled · 07/12/2022 15:31

That's brilliant for you @Geville & a 'perfect fit' coach/counsellor/therapist/mentor can be life-changing.

But Life & Wellness Coaches should not be going anywhere near people with history of eg CSA, ACE, foster home abuse. Either the 19 year old hasn't imparted that fact to her parents, or the quality of whatever course she went on was so poor that the organisation didn't know that, or even worse - they did, but didn't highlight & prohibit it.

Most Life Coaching is basically an MLM scam nowadays.
There are some rare birds, but finding them takes care & effort, & "we betrayed your confidence by telling our teenager all about your abuse & our perception of your victimhood, & reckon she's well placed to take your cash handle your specific & extensive trauma" isn't it.

Show quote history

yes I agree with your points.

she can go nuclear and lose them or she can be polite.

They sounded like good and nice folk once upon a time who have made an error here and need correcting.

It’s such a shame the coaching industry got MLM-ed.

it’s a great therapy and can make such a difference. Sad for all the people who will be put off it as a result of that.

diamondpony80 · 07/12/2022 15:59

If I wanted coaching I’d look for it from someone who knows more than I do. No 19 year old has a clue about anything. They can read a few books, but don’t have the life experience. It’d be a firm no from me.

StopStartStop · 07/12/2022 16:05

You are not being unreasonable!

Just say it wouldn't be appropriate because you and her parents have been friends for such a long time. End of.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/12/2022 16:10

Echobelly · 07/12/2022 15:44

@KettrickenSmiled (great name by the way) - I don't see a 'No, but X instead' approach as about 'being too nice to say no'. I see it as a good way of stopping people pushing the thing you don't want to do on you more as you've given then something to distract them from pushing the thing. I use it as an assertive move myself.

But I guess the parents have pushed it too far in this case and the OP probably doesn't want anything from them in the future, so you have a point that this is probably not a suitable approach here.

Hi @Echobelly - good point, & I also agree about this having now gone too far.

They've shown OP exactly who they are & what they think of her - she would be their perpetual 'poor relation' who their DD "is SO good with, considering ..." (insert gory gossip).

I suppose the silver lining for OP is that she can now see their 'noble charity' for the nastier thing it is - sanctimonious oneupmanship, masquerading as do-goodery.

Their behaviour tantamount to a 'charisma-led' church ministry whose volunteers & functionaries overstep - e.g. bringing in new members, finding out they are gay/promiscuous/troubled in some way that can be officially disapproved of, then interfering in their lives because God Said So.
I'm not trying to be deliberately hyperbolic here - look at religion-backed Conversion Therapy or some of the more nefarious violent Pro-Life antics. Instead of religion, this couple is using its privilege to manipulate OP - & they are not above leveraging her very private history, to obtain what they want from her.

I would want to blast them, then cut them out, but I am not OP, & am a good couple of decades further along from my ACE history than she is. She may also feel that there is some crumb of genuine kindness in this couple, & prefer to use any of the more toned-down PP suggested responses rather than my ire-filled diatribes ... it's entirely her choice.
Either way, they need a clear signal from her that they are NOT to discuss her private business, she is NOT their project or cash cow, & that their DD needs urgent training in professional ethics & boundaries if she is to continue her vanity project career as some kind of mentor figure.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/12/2022 16:11

@KettrickenSmiled (great name by the way)

Hobb fan, @Echobelly ????? 😍

Namelesstoday · 07/12/2022 16:14

Op, I didn't want to read and run.
Some great advice here. My advice is to message them " I don't want to re-open old wounds. I am happy and at a good place in my life. I've got health cover through work, which has helped me to work through things and move on. Wishing your daughter the best of luck"