how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

[yellowsplashes]

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

Definitely this 👌

I suspect mummy and daddy might have been shouting 'For God's sake at least do SOMETHING to earn some money!' and she's gone for a crappy online course.

OP, I think I would distance myself from them as much as possible. I'd ignore the advice given to pass on the daughter's business card or recommend her - this is just people pleasing behaviour. The fact is that these people didn't consider your feelings or rights for a moment.

I'd shut them down with something along the following, the last sentence allows for a conversation in the future should you feel the desire -

"I have been thinking about our conversation regarding your daughter and am uncomfortable in a number of ways. Had you asked me did I feel the need for coaching I would have explained to you that I do not. If you had asked me can you discuss my past with your daughter I would have said no. If you had told me about your daughter's new qualification and asked me if there were ways, such as referrals, in which I could have helped, I would have said yes. But none of these things happened and now we are in an awkward situation which is not of my making. Perhaps you can reflect on my comments and perhaps we might have a conversation in early 2023."

So many brilliant suggestions on here I wonder which approach you choose OP!

A 19 year old however 'qualified' will not have the life experience you have to be able to help you.

Any type of counseling/ life coaching etc is purely your own personal decision to take up.

It sounds like they are keen to set her up with new clients to boost her work experience / client base and thought of you. Yes they may be thinking of you as a teenager rather than how you are now as you suspect.

Just politely decline - thankyou for thinking of me but I think this sort of help/ coaching is a personal decision etc. Be firm.

They have been wholly inappropriate and others have given very good responses that are addressing the issues but politely which I think might be the better way of handling them.

Them hounding you daily is wholly awful, however my take on it is that they are desperate - if MN is showing a representative perception of how credible the daughter is viewed as a wellbeing coach then she can’t be getting many clients. That’s one way of looking at it, you know them so you will have the best judgment about what you think their intentions and drivers are behind that.

I work in HR focused on colleague wellbeing and I hear a lot about people’s lives, not just the stuff going on at work but their whole lives. Some of it is similar to yours, so DV, difficult childhood experiences. I have worked in this for 25 years, since my early 20s, and look back sometimes and realise that I have always had a boundary on how much I can help, perhaps helped by the fact it was in a work environment where my role and responsibilities were defined. Even with that experience I am in no way qualified to provide any therapeutic support (just work related stuff and general moral support) and I am really clear about that with people. I am there to make sure work is a positive part of their lives and is supporting them, but signpost that they need to get the right support and advice for their needs which is usually outside of the business. I encourage them to do that, and sometimes help them to make the initial call to the organisation that they need, but beyond that would be overstepping and unethical.

Therefore I am really flabbergasted that they think that this is in any way acceptable behaviour. It shows either a complete disregard and obliviousness for you and your experience because of their privileged position in life, or selfish motives that are all about massaging their “saviour/rescuer” image of themselves and trying to get their daughter’s business off the ground. Neither are good enough reasons to justify their actions.

Anyone who has knowledge of the subject area can give advice and coaching, as all it amounts to is identifying issues, setting goals and planning some generic actions to achieve them. Wellness coaching is not indepth therapy, more mindfulness and relaxation for beginners. So I think its well within the capabilities of a 19 year old who's done a course tbh.
Her parents have misunderstood the role if they think it equips her to help someone with issues arising from trauma, and are also hugely inappropriate to put you forward as her guinea pig. There's very much a feel of letting their daughter benefit from working on their pet project, which is patronising and distasteful.
If you like these people and value your relationship with them just say thanks but no thanks, you don't feel you need the service.

I think this couple are so invested in their role as 'lord and lady of the manor-saviour of the broken and fallen' that they are unable to see you as anything other than the broken fallen person they need you to be

But the OP doesn't need any help! She's doing really well for herself. She certainly doesn't need the sort of help a 19 year old could offer. Just the thought of that makes my blood boil. The OP has come through a very tough childhood and has done really well for herself. Not only are they completely ignoring the fact she's done so well for herself without any real support, they think their 19 year old daughter - who has no real life experience or qualifications - is the person to "help" her.

I don’t even know what you mean.

What do you understand as experience?
To you do you only count experience as doing something over and over for years.

Doing the same thing over and over for years is either boring or stupid

Why would you only count experience as something that lasts a long time.

I also have 11 years of being in and out of the care system behind me.
That was stupidity on behalf of SS who kept handing me back to my mother expecting a different outcome.

Your sister has experience of losing a house and being divorced.
Do you think she hasn’t any experience of divorce or repossession because she hasn’t kept doing it over and over.

Just because something hasn’t been kept up for years on end doesn’t mean peoples experiences are not valid.

I'd contact the daughter directly, don't let her parents be the go between. Tell them (as per a pp) that you cannot discuss this with them, and neither can their daughter.

Agree to meet her and then present her with a comprehensive written list of the skills, experiences, qualifications that any previous therapists have had (or future therapists might have) and ask how she might match that profile. Include a list of specific post-qualification courses on looked-after children, abuse and trauma. Include professional memberships of reputable counselling bodies, professional indemnity insurance. Include the requirement for the therapist to be in supervision.

Faced with that, the daughter might recognise for herself, that she is not the right persion for what you might be looking for in the future. Then reassure her that you are fine, have your life sorted and a great balance. Then maybe offer to coach her in how to establish herself in the 'wellness' industry.

@yellowsplashes
Pleeeease use this "Barbara and Brian" response.

You've come a long way. Don't get dragged backwards by a 19yo.

I wouldn't do any of what @venusandmars says sorry. Its good advice generally and supporting a teenager in their career choice isn't a bad thing, but for the OP going all around the houses like that to avoid saying a simple 'no' would only risk pulling her in and sends them all mixed signals that the OP is interested when she's not at all. Keep it brief, clear and disengage.

Completely agree with Jackiewoo’s post above.

YANBU at all.

I'd also be worried about what the confidentiality would be like? They have already told her all about you, her professional ethics means she shouldn't discuss yiu with them but....

Be firm on this.

Keep it brief, clear and disengage.

Yes, and please ignore the childish and passive aggressive suggestions like the one from @HoumousTheMouse and others.

They need to know that they have betrayed your confidentiality, and consequently the relationship is over. That's it.

Well done for getting yourself away from the DV and doing well at work. They have overstepped the mark IMO re confidentiality, and are using you to help their DD get her business going. It sounds as if you're going to have to tell them 'thanks but no thanks'. Close it down. I wouldn't stop contact though, unless they really won't listen to you.

I know a life/wellness coach. She is very pushy and posts a huge amount of meaningless bs.

Do you need counselling? It doesn't sound like it. But if you do, ask someone you trust or maybe your surgery for recommendations.

YANBU - I'd respond along the lines of 'I wish X the best of luck, but to be honest I don't think I'd feel comfortable working with her given our connection' - I'd also be seeing if there's some way I could help her, other than being a client,, and offering that, so it's not just a 'no' if possible

You sound amazing.
Well done for what you have achieved to date.
Don't let anyone bring you down.

People keep going on about confidentiality, as if this couple have worked with the Op in a professional capacity, but I don’t think that’s the case.

Yuck these people don't have your interests at heart at all do they? Only their own and getting their offspring work! That was their sole reason for inviting you for dinner, they wanted something from you and tried to push you into accepting. Yucky social climber type behaviour. They think you are easy pickings and owe them something and will most likely try to guilt you into it.. nice of them to keep your past confidential too err not. I would say thanks for your kind offer but due to our relationship/friendship I wouldn't feel comfortable discussing my problems with your daughter and I'm sure it would be a 'patient' confidentiality issue anyway. I've already got an experienced BAPS registered therapist/psychologist anyway who knows my history and I've blocked booked my appointments. I'm sure your daughter will have luck with advertising her services locally, has she promoted her website etc". Turn it back on them. Actually you don't need to give any excuses at all, just politely decline their 'offer', no one can force you to do anything and if you lose the supposed friendship over this then they clearly weren't your friend to begin with. And no a 19 year old is extremely unlikely to be able to do much for you, she has no life experience no idea what it's like to have kids and nontime to yourself. This is just mummy and daddy trying to fix it for their daughter when she needs to stand on her own two feet if that is really the career path she wants. If she really wants to do that she should be out shadowing other professionals and learning from them then working for an organisation building up a case load before trying to go it alone. She will have to work her way up not try to go in at a grade she is not ready yet or charge people accordingly! Very short sighted parents! I'd be angry they had the gall to try to push you into it if I was you. You can push back!

You’re right, it’s not “breaking confidentiality”, but OP would be reasonable to feel uncomfortable that they’ve been discussing very sensitive/personal subjects with their daughter to advance her “career”.

It's a conflict of interest is what it is

Confidentiality doesn't only apply to professional relationships.

When I share personal stuff with friends, I don't expect them to tell all and sundry. And when friends tell me personal stuff, it goes no further. Privacy is hugely important to me, and I won't countenance people gossiping to others with things they've been told that are clearly personal and sensitive.

It's gossiping.

Again, I would suggest to the DD directly that trying to procure business by gossiping about her potential clients with her family does not inspire confidence in her professionalism.