how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

[yellowsplashes]

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

Hi @yellowsplashes our posts have crossed.

Daily calls? - FFS someone throw them a life belt.

This is not about you.
It’s them.
You do not borrow other people’s troubles & let their monkeys on your back.

However, you do have some history with them & they have been kind & supportive, so they are not disposable.

I suggest you do pick up the next call & be the ‘adult’ that they need.
Ask why they are so persistent? Why this is so important to them?
Be direct, ask what is really happening for them right now.
They have been a good friend to you, can you be a good friend to them?

After that, if they are still serious about your employing a 19yo as your coach, then you may need to be blunt about how well you are doing, don’t need their DD help nor their pity. But I don’t think that it’ll come to that as something else is going on.

I completely get this, my childhood offers up plenty (actually as does my 30s) for therapy. If someone approached me with the same I’d be livid and really uncomfortable when I’m actually in a really good place and have achieved more than some ever expected of me.

agree with the pp about the MLM! I wince at someone at 19 being a life coach. No it shouldn’t be ageist but it leans into the notion that they’ve had years of experience to offer you advice, so when did that start? 15?!

id be firm but blindingly clear with them that their suggestion is not welcome and you won’t be seeking out her support, it wouldn’t be support that you get anyway you’d clearly be a tester for her coaching. I gaged at “true north” as well!

I'm just letting you know, to avoid any misunderstanding on their part, that I'm in a position now where I don't feel I need to seek out your services

I'm not sure I'd even say this much, as I'd resent having to make a statement which implicitly referenced my former troubles (which she shouldn't even know about). I'd just say "I'm not looking for a coach, thanks, but wish you luck with your business" and leave it at that.

You're under no obligation to do anything. These people have broken your boundaries and attempted to railroad you into becoming a client/customer of their child.

I would firmly tell them you do not want this 'service' and you'd like them to stop pestering you about it. If they don't - cut them off.

I agree and I would love to be a fly on the wall when they read that😲, they completely deserve to be shot down in flames like that however I'm not sure if I would in case of a backlash, I'm sure the OP could handle a backlash but it's all hassle isn't it!

I'd contact her parents and say suchlike 'on consideration this isn't right for me, thanks for thinking of me but I've done a lot of my own work on myself and best of luck to herself.'

Yeah I'd be scratching my head too wondering what planet are on to ask me that!!

In the therapy world duel relationships are not considered to be good practice. So a therapist should have no other kind of relationship with their client. In your case (no matter if you personally know the daughter or not) you do have a dual relationship with her as she is the daughter of your friends. Therefore ethically she should not be entering into any kind of therapeutic relationship with you

Yep. Years ago I was referred for counseling. Out of the blue I got a call from the counselor who'd received the referral. She explained that she had a daughter who'd attended the same playgroup as mine when they were three (my DD was 16 at this point and had not attended the same schools as this girl).

She had recognised my surname, and just wanted to let me know that she would need to pass on the referral, which might delay things.

I would give a hard no OP.
If you engage in it you’ll find yourself in an awkward situation and you’ll then have to extract yourself and will be wishing you never agreed in the first place.

It’s awful to be pressuring you so much, I would question whether you want anything more to do with them to be honest.

I would contact the DD directly and tell her firmly that you do not wish to engage with her services. If you want to be nice, you can say you will keep her in mind if you think she might be helpful to you in the future.

Then thank the parents for thinking of you and putting you in touch with their DD, and that you've contacted the DD yourself. End of matter.

I am coming out in hives on your behalf OP.

Congratulations on turning your life around.

Looking at this in a purely practical way.

do you need these people? Do you want them in your life?

if you do, tell them they have been completely inappropriate, wrong to pass on your private info, see how it goes from there.

if you neither want nor need them, tell them to naff off.

I think I would call her and say her parents were trying to get you as a client of hers because they see you in a certain way and you just aren’t that person.

Wish her well with her her business and tell her that even if people were in need of her help, her parents telling their friends about her is one thing. But her parents admitting to telling her about things their friends have been through years before and expecting these friends to then take her on as a wellness coach is crossing a line and she might be better off getting her own clients.

Following up daily????
They really need you don't they.... The more they chase me the more I would ignore them .....I would make like a herd of cats, see if they think they can pin jelly to the wall

They are following up daily.

Fucking HELL OP!!

They genuinely believe you are their little project, & they are your noble elders, don't they? Shades of White Saviour complex, except for them it's DV-tourism. Which they now want their daughter to capitalise on. Disgusting.

This is harrassment level abuse. I am so sorry.
Please feel free to pm me if you need to vent safely. (ACE, CSA, & DA survivor.)

God they're awful. Please please wilfully misunderstand.

Hi Jane and John

I've had a look at Sarah's website and have a few initial thoughts she may find helpful:

1. I really like the photography work/layout/whatever

1. She needs to put her qualifications front and centre - the market is saturated with untrained wellness coaches at the minute (it's an increasingly popular MLM sadly), so she should make sure she's differentiating herself from that market.

1. Similarly she should include more concrete descriptions of the services she offers.

My usual rate for career coaching is £X per hour but I'd be happy to reduce that to £0.9X for Sarah if she would like to engage me - please do pass on my details to her.

I'm sure everything will go really well for her, you must be very proud,

OP

I'm beginning to wonder who most needs the therapy here, because it sounds like this couple could do with some help regarding boundaries and appropriate behaviour. Or maybe they're just common or garden bullies and OP is only just seeing it now she's got her life back on track.

I had an answer ready for this situation: I imagined I would tap the side of my head & say, "This is a Rolls-Royce - I'm not taking it to a Skoda garage!"

Of course, when actually faced with it, I didn't. And Skodas are much better cars these days.😀

Another one really fucking angry on your behalf!

"They are following up daily." How appalling!!

I would not go into lengthy explanations about why you don't want life coaching, especially not from a 19-year-old. Lengthy explanations could be seen as inviting discussion of the topic. How about something like:

"Thank you for thinking of me. I appreciate the way you have helped me in the past and understand your wish to help your daughter get going in her career. I will mention her to anyone I know who might be interested.

My life is in a good place these days and I am not currently seeking a life coach. I hope you understand and respect that.

I am disappointed that you shared information about my past with your daughter. I hope you that in the future you will respect my privacy and keep this information to yourselves.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas!"

If they persist in contacting you after that, stop taking their calls and answering their messages. Unless they get in touch just to apologize for sharing your private info, in which case you could of course say something like: "I appreciate the apology".

Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to get it across to them that you are now in a good position in life.

'How lovely that (daughter) has found a passion in life. Thank you for thinking of me but actually, with me having been in an executive position for a few years now, these services are already provided under company health insurance and, as I'm sure you understand, what with the children and work commitments, I'm really rather busy. please do pass on my thanks and best wishes'.

It sounds awfully patronising, OP.

You don't have to put yourself through this to please them. It's way too much to ask.

God they're awful. Please please wilfully misunderstand
Genius I love your post @JenniferBarkley 😁👍
Even so I wonder if it's wasted on them?
@Kennykenkencat 's suggestion sounds to me like the 'right' thing to do.... but I wonder if the daughter would just go telling tales to the parents?

The fact that you say the parents have never supported or acknowledged the positive changes in your life then I would sack the lot of them off.

they are following up daily they are massively crossing a line. Put a stop to it by telling them firmly that your answer is no and to stop hounding you. Tell them you have moved on and drawn a line under the past, and that you expect them to do the same. Remind them you are a successful adult raising 3 DC alone, your private life is yours not a spectator sport. Also tell them it is really inappropriate to discuss your deeply personal past with their child. In doing that you cannot use her services but it was wrong of them anyway. Boundaries.

Do not contact the daughter offering support, or explain yourself further to her or the parents (eg by saying you already have counselling) it sends mixed messages and you need to be clear.

People like this don't take a hint, they need words of one syllable and short basic sentences.

I had a friend who became a life coach. She became so knowledgeable about things that she genuinely believed she could help me overcome 'my difficulties' and became quite insistent that I became a client. I have sodding autism, if she can truly help me overcome that then she needs a Nobel prize of something.

A 6 week training course and a certificate to show you've become a bore does not make you a therapist.

No, just say, no thank you.

this too. 100%.

Shut it down OP.