The silent treatment from a narcissist. Help please.

[SilentRetreat]

To say I've gotten myself into a pickle is an understatement. I've been swept up in a shitstorm and should have known better. But here we are.

I was love bombed, then the devaluing began and now seemingly out of the blue he is ignoring me.

After 8 weeks of intense texting and a physical relationship it's really hard to not message to start a conversation about what is going on.

I saw so many red flags along the way that I chose to ignore, thinking it would be fine as the intensity was fun and why not just let myself kept swept along. I gave in to it against my better judgement.

Now it feels really horrible.

Help me to not text him please wise vipers.

Maybe because it's all been so fast and I recognised the pattern I don't trust myself to have been right. He didn't even hardly get started on the devalue/discard, I expect he's a bit surprised to have been rumbled so quickly.

He did in the space of one week go from constant messaging while I was away with friends with fun stuff and talk of running away together to then cancelling plans at last minute after I'd made a lot of effort to make it happen. I told him I was fine but felt silly...he offered no reassurance. Then he went low contact for a couple of days and stood me up leaving me waiting around for him (I left at the point of feeling like a dickhead) his reason didn't make sense. The next morning he followed by a miss you text. We hooked up that evening and it was intense but he lacked eye contact and the care he had shown before. After we hooked up that evening I didn't hear from him for 3 days. Then I started this thread and blocked.

I'm not wrong am I.

During the silent treatment I had a notification that he'd set up an Instagram account. Didn't have time to message me though.

There must be some part of your home that needs decluttering or a good scrub down. Attack it with venom gusto. Not only will it take your mind off him, you can take your rage out on a job that needs doing.

Works for me

You absolutely are not wrong OP!
He is an arse and you’re incredibly strong for not caving and seeking any kind of explanation for his hideous behaviour.

I have also sadly had this treatment from someone who also used the same tactics of triangulation with his ‘crazy ex’, devaluing, silent treatment and then the discard after I called him out on his behaviour. Incidentally, this prick also used to send me multiple (unwanted) selfies as he had an incredibly high opinion of his mediocre self 😂
I then discovers he was still having sex with the ‘crazy ex’ who he’d never ‘go near in a million years’ after the brutal discard where he tore me apart.

A week later he tried to worm his way back! He was told to go forth and multiply. Then the smearing started. I’m now the crazy ex to anyone that will listen 😆

You are incredibly strong for shutting the door on him at this stage before he has a chance to follow the rest of the narcissist script. Don’t be fooled by any hoovering attempts. Men like this are pathetic, soulless creatures and enjoy the cat and mouse game a pp mentioned. They’re sick.

You’ve got this!!

This will come across harsh, but you said you were involved with him for just 8 weeks. Would you normally need closure after seeing / speaking to someone for 8 weeks? This is the early getting to know a person period when ghosting happens even with normal men.

It sounds like you still want to hear from him. Imagine how obsessive you feel now vs after several months or years of this.

"Then he went low contact for a couple of days and stood me up leaving me waiting around for him (I left at the point of feeling like a dickhead) his reason didn't make sense. The next morning he followed by a miss you text. We hooked up that evening and it was intense but he lacked eye contact and the care he had shown before."

The issue goes WAY beyond this one man. To put up with anyone treating you this badly. Use this short situation as a positive to get into therapy. To set boundaries. To not be nice to people who clearly show they don't care, and even act with disdain.

The future can be much better but you need to work on yourself first

You're right.

You have absolutely done the right thing.

I spent two years of my life with someone like this. THIS is who he is. The nice guy act is just that, an act.

You cannot get involved with this man. The cycle repeats and the trauma bond gets stronger.

My ex used to walk out on me weekly, for no reason at all. Block me everywhere and I would be begging him to come back. He always did, and then it happened again. I had showed him that I would allow that treatment. I was a mess, constantly anxious, distracted at work, I lost 2 stone in weight, had to have trauma counselling - don’t be me.

I’m finally free and looking back I saw all the signs and ignored them. Thought I could change him if I just loved him a bit harder - he was a nasty, abusive, messed up little man and I don’t know what I saw in him.

As soon as the penny dropped that I was really done, he panicked. Endless texts and calls (blocked now) turning up at my house at 5am crying, saying he wanted to die he was lost without me.

Please, please don’t waste another second of your time on this man, there’s no happy ending here.

Stern words time OP.

Stop - FFS for your own precious sanity - STOP hankering for contact from him.
You know it won't prove ANYTHING other than he's still keeping you on the back burner for cat&mouse games, yeah?

You just need to hang on in there day by day for a while.
One day you will get that sneaking recognistion feeling of "thank FUCK he never contacted me via his new Insta."

You know it's the truth OP.
Delete your own Insta if need be. Or at least only go onto it it to BLOCK him on it tonight.

I am feeling better this evening. Another day done.

I've got a hell of a lot more work done too without the constant texting or phone checking.

"Block me everywhere and I would be begging him to come back. He always did, and then it happened again. I had showed him that I would allow that treatment. I was a mess, constantly anxious, distracted at work, I lost 2 stone in weight, had to have trauma counselling - don’t be me."

I also had this. When I'd block him and start to move on, I'd get about two weeks in and he'd 'bump into me' late at night and send texts in a crisis.

I was diagnosed with agoraphobia last Dec and prescribed diazepam. Became a workaholic as a distraction. Lost a lot of weight. Went through multiple cycles.

Each discard feels worse and the honeymoon period is shorter.

You can't fix this sort of person. You probably have codependent traits.

In my case, he'd watched his step dad abuse his mum while growing up. He hated that his mother stayed with him, so took it out on the women he dated as an adult. He never bothered going to therapy since it was always the women who were the problem.

The fact he told you about being on SSRIs after only 8 weeks of knowing him is another red flag. It's to make you feel sorry for him. Compassion is exploited to manipulate.

I’m sorry you experienced this too.

Absolutely right that each “honeymoon period” got shorter and shorter.

OP I suggest you Google “cycle of abuse”. This is exactly what’s happening here.

My ex grew up in a violent household and spent time in care, he couldn’t stand his mum but equally craved her love and acceptance. I see now that he really fucking hates women.

When you have the niggles, remind yourself that closure is for Disney movies.

Delete and block. Delete and block.

Currently helping my best friend through over 40 years of this. Their whole life. My friend wasn't even obsessed or in love with them but had become so terribly controlled by them. Their whole life. Just read that again. Over time even the family is controlled by them. No friends no support. Felt like so hard to see a way out by then. Happens before you even realise.

But finally they did it. But 40 years. Don't be the 40 years. Don't even be 1 more day of their supply

Please delete and block

I never got closure - and we we're together 5 years and had a baby who died .

He always said he lacked empathy and was a "cold fish "

Thank your luckies you've seen the light so fast and do t engage further. X

.Ive thought about you all day.I contacted the psych ex who, of course, wasnt an psycho at all. We became firm frineds.She went through the EXACT same shit as me.Do you know how comforting that was... in a messed up way.She got me through until I was ready to fuck him off.He is now reeling.He doesnt know we are in touch but Ive adopted all the things she wished she has done. I am so relieved.So relieved that Ive dodged this horrid man.Gosh, he was gorgeous, funny, kind, loving but fuck me, when he turmed, did he turn. I'll never forget her for it.Can you do the same.contact an ex...

The texts the other colleague sent indicated it wasn't the first time he'd been giving her the silent treatment. One comment was 'you are true to your brand I'll give you that'. She must've been stuck in a cycle with him. She is lovely from what I can tell and we chat sometimes but I'm not keen to open up a can of worms with her. Not while he's still acutely in the picture.
I just have to remember that he will be talking about me the way he talked about the others.
Horrible human.

There's a meeting this morning but it will be short and I'm feeling strong this morning. He can cock off.

You sound in a good place @SilentRetreat
X
I agree with a pp that closure is a fantasy. However many months or years later you just wake realising that your interpretation of events was 100% correct and God love the poor women he's reeling in.

He sounds a grade A arsehole. Locking several women who work together in to cycles of love bomingvand silent treatments and calling them mad when they have a reaction to being tossed aside for now. His "what did I do?" Text feigning innocence, what a dickhead he is. Being a dickhead is the path he has chosen.

Well done for not putting up with his shit, OP.

This guy is really bad news. He gets a kick out of mistreating women. Men like him really don’t like women - they don’t regard women as fully human but just think of them in terms of an appendage.

As for “closure” - we often don’t get it - certainly not from someone else. Life is not so neat and tidy. What happens instead is that generally time heals and that is its own closure.

Ok so he hung about this morning and approached me in my office.
He asked if he had upset me and I said no, I'm good. He said ok then, hung his head and I followed him out of the office and went separate ways.
I was breezy and confident.

If he's a narcissist then I've played a blinder.
If he's not then I've been very cruel.

He is though.

That was a class act from you this morning, bloody well done.

If he's a narcissist then I've played a blinder.
If he's not then I've been very cruel.

Er ... nope.
If he's a narc, you played a blinder.
If he's NOT a narc, NEWSFLASH - you played a blinder.

Don't get hung up on the label.
It makes no odds whether he would be diagnosed as a narc.
What difference does being able to label him make to his actions?

Would it hurt less, would it be any more acceptable, to learn that he'd been through a battery of psych tests with renowned experts, & they'd concluded that he isn't a narc?

Whatever he is called - he's still the weapons-grade arsehole who has serially treated women to the routine he has just visited on you.

The only way you need to concern yourself about narcissism, is that it gives you a framework to perceive the pattern of behaviours, & a toolkit to extricate yourself from those behaviours - by recognising that the ONLY way to control them is to never be around them.

Thank you.

He also witnessed me getting on with business in the meeting and me being very not at all upset.

And breathe.

So many people are cheering for you. I married my sulker, going 'quiet' guy. 30years of it!

^If he's a narcissist then I've played a blinder.
If he's not then I've been very cruel.
He is though.^

Even if he were just a regular guy, bewildered at being 'office ghosted', keep in mind he:

• cancelled plans at the last minute
• drastically reduced contact without explanation
• stood you up
• came round for a booty call and then ignored you for 3 days

You were only dating for 8 weeks, this was very early days in the relationship. So I wouldn't say you were being 'very cruel'. If there were some actual explanation for all of the above, he can approach you like a normal person, apologise and explain. But even if he did all that, his earlier behaviour (selfies, calling himself a 10, hating losing a game) was all deeply unattractive.

Clearly the story is going to be that you were the love of his life who cruelly cut him off without any explanation. There's nothing you can do about that, he's going to say what he likes. But what there isn't (thank god) is a stream of text messages from you that make you look like a lunatic. I would guess he had selectively deleted his own messages from the text chain to make her look worse.

I agree that it's way too soon to be talking to the not-lunatic colleague. He needs to be well out of your life before you do that.