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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The silent treatment from a narcissist. Help please.

261 replies

SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 19:35

To say I've gotten myself into a pickle is an understatement. I've been swept up in a shitstorm and should have known better. But here we are.

I was love bombed, then the devaluing began and now seemingly out of the blue he is ignoring me.

After 8 weeks of intense texting and a physical relationship it's really hard to not message to start a conversation about what is going on.

I saw so many red flags along the way that I chose to ignore, thinking it would be fine as the intensity was fun and why not just let myself kept swept along. I gave in to it against my better judgement.

Now it feels really horrible.

Help me to not text him please wise vipers.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 21:15

cavily1806 · 04/12/2022 21:08

This is the start. It started like this for me and escalated to silent treatment and taking our DD from nursery without telling me where and then one text saying they were moving to a 2 bed flat 100+ miles away. You deserve better

Oh wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

OP posts:
Glasgow1985 · 04/12/2022 21:22

I would put a lot of money on him having done exactly the same thing to the 'crazy' person he showed you the texts from. I doubt he's keeping yours private either.

Men like this are always the 'victim' and keep this stuff as trophies the way serial killers keep mementos.

FOJN · 04/12/2022 21:27

If you see him tomorrow, say hello pleasantly and then ignore. It will be better for you and there is the added advantage that nothing pisses a narc off more than knowing their punishment didn't upset you.

If he attempts to talk to you about reconnecting I'd tell him you thought he'd ghosted you and you were surprised you felt OK about it so clearly it's not meant to be.

Deny him the drama of you asking for an explanation, they love that, hurting people is what narcs enjoy.

Glasgow1985 · 04/12/2022 21:30

There's a youtube channel called MentalHealness that's very good. Videos from a man diagnosed with NPD who has been in therapy for five years. He explains love bombing, the silent treatment, discard and hoovering very well.

Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 21:38

Glasgow1985 · 04/12/2022 21:22

I would put a lot of money on him having done exactly the same thing to the 'crazy' person he showed you the texts from. I doubt he's keeping yours private either.

Men like this are always the 'victim' and keep this stuff as trophies the way serial killers keep mementos.

Definitely this

OP posts:
Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 21:58

Glasgow1985 · 04/12/2022 21:30

There's a youtube channel called MentalHealness that's very good. Videos from a man diagnosed with NPD who has been in therapy for five years. He explains love bombing, the silent treatment, discard and hoovering very well.

I like ramanis videos and will check him out too

OP posts:
Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 22:12

FOJN · 04/12/2022 21:27

If you see him tomorrow, say hello pleasantly and then ignore. It will be better for you and there is the added advantage that nothing pisses a narc off more than knowing their punishment didn't upset you.

If he attempts to talk to you about reconnecting I'd tell him you thought he'd ghosted you and you were surprised you felt OK about it so clearly it's not meant to be.

Deny him the drama of you asking for an explanation, they love that, hurting people is what narcs enjoy.

I think this is the way to go. I have to not be more of a challenge for him.

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 04/12/2022 22:22

If he is a narcissist then reframe it and remind yourself that not contacting will be doing his head in.

I am going through a divorce with a narcissist and though he is being an arse and really getting to me, my only weapon is to grey rock. I have to keep reminding myself that simply not engaging with him is my superpower.

Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 22:45

Thanks everyone. Actually having blocked him is helping me in that I know I have drawn the line.

The curiosity is to know what it was that made him switch off so fast. I need to let go of hoping for logic.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 04/12/2022 23:19

Just don't, find something else to occupy yourself with,you know he's no good, stay away,you don't want a shit life

tribpot · 05/12/2022 07:26

The curiosity is to know what it was that made him switch off so fast.
Do you mean, was it something you did? Absolutely not. This is just how the game is played. You already said the lovebombing was over and the devaluing had started, he wanted to test if it was working by withdrawing to see if you would chase him. Meaning the devaluing had been effective in undermining your self-worth.

To be most effective, he would have to do this when absolutely nothing was wrong, so you would be driven crazy trying to work out why (and no doubt send a whole string of texts like other colleague).

When you see him today just be detached and uninterested, treat everything he says as lie and do not rise to the bait.

GreyCarpet · 05/12/2022 07:30

I want him gone but quietly and without any drama.

Well ypu have the perfect opportunity for that now then.

Block him. Have nothing more to do with him. Messaging him would be creating the drama ypu say you don't want.

So leave it. He's actually made it really easy for you.

PeaceJoySleep · 05/12/2022 07:31

Good luck today. I fell for this bullshit once and I also wanted him to be a better person than he was

Iusedtolovefroggy · 05/12/2022 07:37

Hi Op, I was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago with a colleague. Extreme love bombing at the beginning, best he ever had, hours of talking, he messaged me constantly, to the point where I couldn’t do any work unless I texted back immediately. Endless selfies and preening himself when I would say he was average looking. And complaining another coworker wouldn’t leave him alone and could I talk to her…! (I didn’t) It was all overwhelming. Then he would ignore me for days on end because he was busy, it’s a little game they play.

i ended up sending a last message to leave me alone and dumped him and then blocked him. He found another phone(think he had it all along) and started bombarding me with messages, sending messages through work email, all were ignored. I sent one final message to his 2nd phone - if you don’t stop harassing me I will get other people involved (HR/the police). I did let HR know anyway just as a precaution.

well then rumours starting circulating our building, really nasty stuff about me which were 100% untrue. Which again I reported to HR. It was a real bumpy ride for a while but I kept my head down and dignified silence until I spoke to a few colleagues asking them not to believe anything he said. Turns out they knew he was like that anyway but just let me get on with it.

don’t want to scare you but just to prepare you. He will completely try and “hoover” you back in, but please stand your ground. You will see in a few weeks time that you made the right decision, they tend to tell on themselves when they lose control. Good luck op and message me if you need to.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/12/2022 07:42

SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 19:46

I think I just want to be able to communicate about it.

Don't waste your time in even thinking that he will be able to communicate with you.

You know what he is like. He will have done this to hundreds of women. You need to end it now.

If he becomes abusive in any way, then you need to go to the police.

liarliarshortsonfire · 05/12/2022 08:17

Well done op and good luck today at work.

As other pp have said, simply wave, or say hello and walk on, as you would do with any other colleague, don't stop for a chat. It he tries to talk to you, don't engage, have a few 'oh I've got to run' excuses or 'I thought you'd got a better offer' and laugh, followed by 'sorry got to run/meeting'

once he realises you've not fallen for his tricks, and you're not a snivelling mess, begging for his attention, he'll ramp up the charm offensive. So be warned that this is another mask he'll wear and don't fall for it

PeaceJoySleep · 05/12/2022 12:28

I agree he'll reappear at some point, and he will deny you any really explanation so stay strong and resist the temptation to try and hold him to account.
If he sees you're fine, he might fake a bit of maturity just long enough to open the conversation but he will not admit that he gave you the silent treatment to punish you for not reflecting back his rosy view of himself.
If you meet him on the stairs just say "hi" but dont ignore him or over compensate.

Eventually he'llbe confused by how NOT hurt you are and he'll be looking for some reassurance that he did hurt you.
If he forces you in to some conversation say look it was fun, I had seen some clues we weren't on the same page so I begun to wonder how you would react when I ended it so the silent treatment gave me clarity that we are different, but it was fun, so take care".
Don't try to hold him to account because he will never take responsibility for anything but will feel powerful for having had an impact on you.

Original poster
SilentRetreat · 05/12/2022 13:23

Everything you are all saying is so spot on. Thank you.

how he waited until things were really amazing then left me hanging, wondering what happened.

the attempts to undermine me/gaslight. “You overthink things”
presumably by this he meant “this would be a whole lot easier if you weren’t too clever for my bullshit”

anyway, I said good morning in the corridor. That was a non event.

then halfway through a meeting this morning I get a text saying

‘hey?’

must be him. I don’t understand how he was able to text. It came through as an unknown number though so maybe I haven’t blocked from the phone but removed the contact? I’ve ignored, left it unread and will sort my phone out later.

yuck

OP posts:
Theskyisfallingdown · 05/12/2022 13:30

'hey. This isn't working for me. All the best.'

Trying to communicate or understand people like this is an excercise in futility, they're like this because they enjoy it and think anyone is stupid enough to indulge their games. No pleading or pissing about will change that.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/12/2022 13:32

SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 19:48

He works in the same building so I'm assuming he can make life difficult if he wanted to. If I block him won't he get more creative when he finally decides to end the silent treatment?

Actually - no.
What it means is that it will be harder for him to give you shit, because you will have witnesses.
You also give the heads up to any trusted colleagues, the nice guy on security, & HR if necessary - no?

MzHz · 05/12/2022 13:36

Yuck indeed

pleased you got here so quickly. Now just carry on and don’t doubt yourself on this. He’s a slime ball and you know it

KettrickenSmiled · 05/12/2022 13:42

The curiosity is to know what it was that made him switch off so fast.
He's found a new source of Supply, so can afford to risk losing you. Or at least temporarily demoting you to 'back burner' status.

I need to let go of hoping for logic.
You mentioned Dr Ramani, so you're familiar with this shit.
There IS logic to it. Just not lofic that reaosnable, well-adjusted people would follow. These disordered tyoes all follow the same Script - they are immensely predictaable once you've got your head round their form of 'logic'.

Next up - look out for charm / self-pity / anger cycle beloved of narcs everywhere.
Because that "hey" text is worrying. He's already starting on the Hoovering -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

supercali77 · 05/12/2022 13:46

You can block on WhatsApp but that doesn't mean its blocked on text and vice versa. Heres what I used to do. Block the number on WhatsApp. Then block the number directly through your phone contacts (no sms and no calls) then and only then - delete the contact. Its still a blocked number but there's no way in a weak moment for you to find his contact and text him. Delete all call history. All text history. All WhatsApp chats. Block on all social media. If you dont have him on an sm find him on there and block anyway. I had one nutter message me through Pinterest of all places when id blocked every other place. If they can communicate with you, they can try to unsettle you. Until you are utterly iron clad do not let him through the walls. Good luck, you're doing great!

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 05/12/2022 13:47

Tip toe quietly away and grey rock him. I pissed off a narc once, they went scorched earth, I nearly had to leave town.

Original poster
SilentRetreat · 05/12/2022 13:51

I am familiar with narcs and caught on very quickly because my dad has always been one. I guess I was pre armed but chose to ignore it because it was fun. I suspected what was coming all along. Gutted to be right and not just “overthinking” or “paranoid” as he was keen to have me think.

anyway, one narc cycle is enough for me. Shame though as the love bombing stage sure is fun.

daddy issues 😅

I played with fire because I thought I could handle it. Arse.

OP posts: