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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The silent treatment from a narcissist. Help please.

261 replies

SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 19:35

To say I've gotten myself into a pickle is an understatement. I've been swept up in a shitstorm and should have known better. But here we are.

I was love bombed, then the devaluing began and now seemingly out of the blue he is ignoring me.

After 8 weeks of intense texting and a physical relationship it's really hard to not message to start a conversation about what is going on.

I saw so many red flags along the way that I chose to ignore, thinking it would be fine as the intensity was fun and why not just let myself kept swept along. I gave in to it against my better judgement.

Now it feels really horrible.

Help me to not text him please wise vipers.

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 04/12/2022 20:01

I saw so many red flags along the way
Time to move on.

PeaceJoySleep · 04/12/2022 20:04

Do not text him back. He is trying to teach you a lesson because he still wants you in his life in order to control you. Those are the terms. He's currently training you. If he wasn't training you to expect nothing/please him/never challenge him/never disagree then his texts might have just dwindled out. But the silent treatment is intentional. It's a message. The message is you're being punished / trained.

If you don't trust yourself not to respond when he finally does reappear to bring you back to heel I'd text him to say ''look the silent treatment is a sign of insecurity and I'm looking for somebody emotionally healthy so I'm drawing a line under this now. Good bye and better luck next time''.

pictish · 04/12/2022 20:05

“I want to be wrong about who he is.”

But you know you’re not. Sending you his selfies? Sounds a right knob.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 04/12/2022 20:10

You managed fine without him and you will again.

It takes time to break a habit and you need to give yourself that. You won't regret breaking this habit.

And you'll feel truly validated by proving to yourself that you will not accept this treatment because you deserve better.

If you are not ready to block, that's ok. But do remember it's dangerous. At least turn off notifications or archive him if it's on WhatsApp.

You will be ok 🌺

Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 20:11

PeaceJoySleep · 04/12/2022 20:04

Do not text him back. He is trying to teach you a lesson because he still wants you in his life in order to control you. Those are the terms. He's currently training you. If he wasn't training you to expect nothing/please him/never challenge him/never disagree then his texts might have just dwindled out. But the silent treatment is intentional. It's a message. The message is you're being punished / trained.

If you don't trust yourself not to respond when he finally does reappear to bring you back to heel I'd text him to say ''look the silent treatment is a sign of insecurity and I'm looking for somebody emotionally healthy so I'm drawing a line under this now. Good bye and better luck next time''.

This is exactly how I feel about the bullshit

OP posts:
candycane10 · 04/12/2022 20:11

How long have you not heard from him for?

I don't mean to offend but as an outsider it sounds like you're looking for excuses to contact him and even more excuses not to block him....

Also you waiting to see how he reacts tomorrow is you giving him all the power. Have you decided how you will react? You are the one being treated badly

DeliberatelyObtuse · 04/12/2022 20:14

SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 19:57

Thank you. I need to block him I know.

I feel like I'm waiting until I see him tomorrow to see how he behaves.

I want to be wrong about who he is.

He'll probably be utterly charming and reel you back in

It's like a cat with a mouse

You can't win this unless you get out so do it now and save yourself months/years of headfuck and misery

Trust me on this

ShandaLear · 04/12/2022 20:14

I wasted two years of my life on one of these - intense highs and bewildering lows. You’re lucky to have found out and got wise to it so quickly. It is like a drug though and you need to go cold turkey. Delete his number so you can’t contact him in a weak moment, block it so you can’t get incoming calls or messages, unfriend and block on social media - and make sure you unfriend because then you can’t spy on him without having to send him a friend request, block email addresses, the lot. Make it as hard as possible to get in touch with him and him with you. He WILL come crawling back because he won’t be able to resist the challenge of trying to win you over. In my case the silent treatment often meant he was chasing someone else as well as punishing me. The behaviours you’ve described are textbook and pretty much the same as my experience. Don’t even send him a goodbye text - all attention is good attention and an indication that you are thinking about him - that’s what feeds him and bolsters his ego still further. They’re awful, empty, hollow, game players who toy with people the way a cat would with a mouse.

LittleEsme · 04/12/2022 20:20

You've escaped a highly manipulative, high anxiety relationship.
Do Not Engage.

If you have to eventually respond when he decides to try and reel you back, the response a previous poster had given is perfect.

Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 20:25

Blocked. Numbers deleted. All social media links gone.

Thank you.

Just tomorrow to get through.

Luckily I don't directly work with him at all but he's around and really fucking senior.

OP posts:
liarliarshortsonfire · 04/12/2022 20:28

Why do you want to wait to see how he behaves, why does it matter, he's abusive and you need to get rid. The problem with people like this, is what you saw at first doesn't exist, it's a mask he uses to hook you in, so you're constantly trying to get him back, that person who gave you the high, the lovely, complimenting person. He doesn't exist.

Who cares how he behaves tomorrow, don't try to find out, block and move on.

Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 20:30

I'm so glad I started this thread. The whole situation has been quite isolating.

OP posts:
MzHz · 04/12/2022 20:31

You know who he is and what he is. You know he’s a fake, you know he’s manipulative and you know that he feels so much contempt that he’s trying to make you beg him to come back so he can feel better about himself

he’s probably as anguished that you have not texted him and aren’t throwing yourself to his mercy etc etc… so use that! Keep it up. When the penny drops that he’s been dumped it’ll sting him more than it will you.

everything you thought you knew about him is a lie. Now he’s showing you the real him, and this is only the tip of the iceberg.

’text’ us love, we’re here, we’ve been where you are and we’ve come out the other side. Eventually we won.

he is not even worthy of the shit on your shoes. How dare he treat you like this.

IF he makes contact with you at work, say “look, I’m a grown up, I don’t play games, go find someone who does. All the best to you” and walk off. Anywhere.

Annabananna1 · 04/12/2022 20:32

*Boredom, loneliness, physical and what felt like emotional connection.

I'm such a dickhead*

Look at you blocking him on everything!! You're doing awesome girl !! Far from a dickhead.
He thought you would be weak for him and you are definitely not playing to his tune, proving him absolutely wrong.

Try not to dwell too long on any of it.

erinaceus · 04/12/2022 20:37

If you need to come back on here tonight/tomorrow for some more support, MN is here.

LittleEsme · 04/12/2022 20:38

SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 20:30

I'm so glad I started this thread. The whole situation has been quite isolating.

Flowers
tribpot · 04/12/2022 20:38

Genuinely rating himself a 10 for looks when he really is not. Sending me endless selfies.
OMG that is amazing. Who does that?!

I suspect when he comes back because you're not giving him his narc supply any more he will pressure you into feeling you have to explain yourself. Remember, you don't owe anyone a relationship with you. You don't have to get dragged into a long conversation about who did what or who said what, all that will do is play into his hands. You absolutely will not convince him to see your point of view, you'll just give him the chance to mess with your head.

Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 20:40

I totally get that it wasn't him I liked, it was how I allowed him to make me feel. I liked giving in to him and giving up control.

But not to the extent that he's taken it.

I'm taking back control now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 20:41

I thought he was joking about being a 10 and the selfies.

I told him he was a bit more niche than that.

You can imagine that went well.

OP posts:
diamondpony80 · 04/12/2022 20:58

Count yourself REALLY lucky that you've seen what he is so early on. There is no happy ever after with a narcissist so it's best to cut ties as soon as possible.

Glasgow1985 · 04/12/2022 21:00

Is he a recently promoted manager working in investments with two sons? I had the same experience with a man I met at work - except over 2 years.

Particularly the selfie spam, love bombing, sudden and repeated discards and 'crazy exes.'

Although this is the general cluster b pattern.

declutteringmymind · 04/12/2022 21:02

Enjoy it, and use it as an excuse to turn your back and get on with life. Then when he comes back crawling you'll be too busy to notice.

Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 21:02

Glasgow1985 · 04/12/2022 21:00

Is he a recently promoted manager working in investments with two sons? I had the same experience with a man I met at work - except over 2 years.

Particularly the selfie spam, love bombing, sudden and repeated discards and 'crazy exes.'

Although this is the general cluster b pattern.

No but sounds similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilentRetreat · 04/12/2022 21:08

I've been getting on with lots of fun life stuff for the past couple of weeks. I've had a great weekend despite knowing I was getting the silent treatment. Distraction has worked. I'm so so glad he only got two texts from me before I realised what he was doing and not the string of 23 texts he showed me from the "crazy" other colleague.

OP posts:
cavily1806 · 04/12/2022 21:08

This is the start. It started like this for me and escalated to silent treatment and taking our DD from nursery without telling me where and then one text saying they were moving to a 2 bed flat 100+ miles away. You deserve better