The silent treatment from a narcissist. Help please.

[SilentRetreat]

To say I've gotten myself into a pickle is an understatement. I've been swept up in a shitstorm and should have known better. But here we are.

I was love bombed, then the devaluing began and now seemingly out of the blue he is ignoring me.

After 8 weeks of intense texting and a physical relationship it's really hard to not message to start a conversation about what is going on.

I saw so many red flags along the way that I chose to ignore, thinking it would be fine as the intensity was fun and why not just let myself kept swept along. I gave in to it against my better judgement.

Now it feels really horrible.

Help me to not text him please wise vipers.

Ha!

This surely gives you more of a boost than any return to contact with him would?
Nothing niggles a narc like their Supply not giving them kibbles ...

Thank you so much everyone for being here. It's helping me not doubt myself. And yes I feel like I've got this, at least for today.

My hope for a positive from this is that I learn a lesson in keeping my boundaries and trusting my instincts.

I am resilient and can stand my ground. I have a lifetime of experience he hadn't accounted for. But I would so love to have a safe space to be vulnerable. Not this time.

The good thing is that once you recognise this behaviour, it becomes so easy to spot in new men you meet.

I went on a date last May with an attractive, outgoing man with a good job. We had a lot of chemistry. I wanted to see him again.

However, the next few days he messaged non-stop. Grand plans about me staying with him at his house in another country. We'd gone for one drink. He'd send a good morning message at 7am and if I hadn't responded by 9am he'd ask why.

Then he casually mentioned getting access to his child through court.

Ended it it there without meeting again.

One thing I learnt in therapy is that it's rarely just the narcissistic person you're dating who is the problem. You potentially have a friend with similar traits.

Mine was someone I'd known for over 20 years. After slow fading for a month or two, I cut them off after an utterly horrible comment. It was such a relief.

I've also started to say no to good friends at times, vs constantly people pleasing.

If you grew up with critical or volatile parents, you learn to suppress how you feel to keep the peace. Men with a bad agenda can pick up on this through your body language.

So true. I and another friend visited our mutual friend from school and my friend who id travelled with got the spare bed and I got a yoga mat on the floor. On the second night, I remember saying "any chance of the bed tonight Emma?" but she looked effronted by the question. I took the yoga mat again.
There were lots of memories like this cropping up for me when I had therapy and seeing through a lens of me being a bit of a doormat was painful.

But the op sounds like she cut this guy off the second he gave her the silent treatment. Although, I know now finally that the level of healing above that is that you're so turned off by red flags that you don't have to ignore them. You are turned off so you withdraw before the love bomber can get going.

My prediction now is I think he will back off for a while. He may be up to some sketchy shit behind my back talking about me but I suspect he will go back to his other sources of supply (I know of 2) to lick his wounds.

My guess is his next move in a while will be to try to ask if we can be friends.

Yes, I think you're right. He may try and win you over all over again but in a less intense way.
If he asks if you can be friends, what is the best response!?

Something neither enthusiastic or defensive; ie defending yourself from being hurt. Don't act hurt.

"Oh yeh sure".

Does anybody at yr wrk know?

Tell the office gossip that it ended because he gave you the silent treatment but it had run it's course.

My narcissist would wait for 3 months and then I'd start to get an 'X' in a text.

I had similar! Intense relationship for the second time with same person. He was married the first time we saw each other. It was casual for 3 years and I never knew. He wanted more but disappeared! I moved on and after 5 years he contacted me! We began again and after 6 months he has ghosted me again! So I have learned not to trust him not to have contact again as he is not worth my time. Its taken a few months but no looking back he had a chance and for his own reasons treated me that way! Be in control of your life and kick to the kerb as it is his loss

Oh barf… they’re all cloned from the same cell aren’t they?

Aren’t they just!

Same script and patterns over and over again.

I'm feeling much less anxious or angry today and just acutely feeling that boredom/loneliness void that presumably he was filling with confusion and misery.

Morning OP.

Lovely. The reducing anxiety is because you are detoxing successfully.
You had an unavoidable encounter yesterday & handled it magnificently. 😍
You ignored his 'hey' text.

The longer you detox, the less compulsion you will feel to persist with the pull of the 'just check my phone, has he/hasn't he, should I/shouldn't I' brain chemistry merry-go-round.

Keep up the detox!

I'm sleeping better, my neck pain is gone.

I'm just a bit sad about the whole debacle.

This is a sign to fill your free time with things to look forward to - join a class or meetup group, volunteer, go on holiday etc.

You miss excitement, not him.

Yep the sadness has kicked in this afternoon and I miss him/it/whatever it was when it was nice.

Trying to throw myself into my work

@SilentRetreat Please get out now. I am trying to divorce a narcissist who has subjected me to the silent treatment on and off for 20 years. They don't change, spare yourself the heartache and low esteem issues by ending it now. Please 🙏🏻

You'll meet someone genuine you feel just as excited about. Except they'll treat you much better and you won't feel abandoned.

I sent myself home early. I was feeling tearful and wanted to see him so packed up and left.

Very wise. Now you need to stay away from your devices this evening, how can you best distract yourself? Is there a show you've been saving up to watch?

Smart! Now go to the movies and the gym or something where you are not tempted to get a fix

Ok so sad means your coming to
Terms with the reality of the situation. Give yourself a little time to wallow then back to grabbing your life on your terms.

It’s ok to feel sad. Feeling sad is a normal reaction to what you’re going through.

Feel the feelings but don’t let them weaken your resolve x

All quiet on the western front.

Overheard some colleagues talking in whispers about him potentially leaving for another job which I already knew but seems to be news to them today. One of them was the crazy ex.

Attention seeking little shitbag. The drama follows him doesn't it.

Survived the week. Very torn at times between logic and emotion.