The silent treatment from a narcissist. Help please.

[SilentRetreat]

To say I've gotten myself into a pickle is an understatement. I've been swept up in a shitstorm and should have known better. But here we are.

I was love bombed, then the devaluing began and now seemingly out of the blue he is ignoring me.

After 8 weeks of intense texting and a physical relationship it's really hard to not message to start a conversation about what is going on.

I saw so many red flags along the way that I chose to ignore, thinking it would be fine as the intensity was fun and why not just let myself kept swept along. I gave in to it against my better judgement.

Now it feels really horrible.

Help me to not text him please wise vipers.

Resist the urge for any 'closure'. Resist the urge to reply on personal issues, but make it clear you'll obviously be professional, once he starts communicating. He will communicate again. Be totally above board but firm. He will try to make your life difficult. Good luck. Concentrate on you and please know it will get easier.

I know you said further up the thread that you are worried that he will become angry. You need to remind yourself that he IS angry - all the time. He is absolutely driven by anger. That’s why he’s such a vindictive prick. No response is the best. Absolutely block him.

You can't imagine it because you are a kind, rational, reasonable person. For him it's not only easy to imagine it's almost certainly his usual routine. He's not the person that you deserve.

Yeah and the “how things were last week” was all a lie. All smoke and mirrors.

The guy he was a month ago was amazing.

Too good to be true.

*then halfway through a meeting this morning I get a text saying

‘hey?’ *

Oh my goodness, this is exactly what mine used to do. He'd ignore me, then when I didn't react he'd leave it a while and then I'd get an 'X' texted from an unknown number - it was always him. Gaaa they are so predictable.

He's followed up with

"What did I do?!"

What a mind fuck.

Ignore it.

Respond to NOTHING unless it is a professional matter.

Block and delete the contact from the ‘contacts’ section of your phone as the PP said.

Delete all texts etc. Ignore him.

Ok blocked the number. Fucksake wish that had worked the first time.
It was easier to think he was still giving me the silent treatment and wouldn't have noticed my disappearance.

His only remaining options now are face to face or work email.

Dreading being alone with him but think this can be avoided pretty well. I'm more likely to have to endure a meeting in the same room with other people rather than 1:1.

Just can't shake the "what if I'm wrong" doubts and feel that will be my Achilles heel. I still want to be wrong and don't know how to get rid of that hope.

Thanks everyone. It is massively helping to write my thoughts here and not in some rambling pathetic email to him.

He is very entitled and angry you're right. He did tell me he doesn't feel guilt or empathy or ever cry. He has some insight but blames antidepressants. In his defence he did tell me he was a real arsehole.

THIS all over. He doesn’t feel empathy or guilt and has already told on himself that he’s an arsehole. He won’t have any guilt or empathy for treating you badly, so there’s no point wondering if you did the right thing. I promise you that he will act dumbfounded and act like a victim, he may even try and get your coworkers onside, be prepared for that.

Block / cut him off now vs being chemically trauma bonded to him after multiple discards. I was diagnosed with that and it was like an addiction. It's the thing that causes women to take back and even defend men who beat them up.

Leave it while you still think logically.

I also recommend therapy since you said your dad was the same. You like this guy because he feels familiar.

Agree with previous poster. Mr dad was/is a narc too and that’s why I’m drawn to similar people, it’s what you’ve learned growing up, men are like that, it’s “normal” etc. you’re doing amazingly well OP. You will have moment where you wonder if you’ve done the right thing and you’ll realise soon enough that you have, it just needs time. People like that never let it go, so go grey rock, grey rock, grey rock.

Thanks Glasgow.

I think it was a rebound thing after a long marriage to a good guy I was dipping a toe in to see if maybe I shouldn't have been so keen to avoid men like my father. I've been able to keep my wits about me because of that experience I think, I never really let my guard down fully. I was being nosey and just wanted to see if the bad ones are more fun. Curiosity.

I do take responsibility for playing with fire.

Lessons have been learned.

Interesting that you say that you know you played with fire. I feel like I did that once too but in the end it was all such a learning experience. It really validated my gut intuition and from that point forward I haven't played with fire.

The nerve of him asking you ''what did I do?''. Asshole!

He did this to somebody else before you and showed you the evidence!!!

He certainly cannot ask anybody for advice on how to 'deal'' with you.

Well I've not made any contact. Probably/definitely would have by now if I hadn't blocked him. Instead I've watched some of the videos and links you've all recommended and ruminated and obsessed over every detail I can recall. I'm assuming that bit will subside with time. I feel anxious.

Day 1 done.

It gets easier by day 7. Every day breaks the habit. Now you're the one in control.

Any reaction is a victory to him. Deny deny deny. Talk to us, don’t cave

Hi op, how are you today? Has he tried to get into contact at all?

Nothing today and have so far avoided bumping into him.

None of this feels good.

I'm anxious that I've done this without any closure or explanation, it feels mental.

I'm anxious that I've done this without any closure or explanation, it feels mental.
STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

Apologies for the caps-bomb OP, it's the equivalent of giving you a kindly shake to stop you beating your self up over nowt.

You're anxious because your Narc dad conditioned you to be anxious. For years. You expect backlash, are looking to prevent it by effacing yourself.

You won't get any closure from that man.
Nobody really does anyway, it's a myth, we have to find it for ourselves.
But you will NEVER get it from a narc-type player. All that will happen is that you will present him with more hooks to grab you with. More wounds for him to poke at.

You don't owe him any explanation.
You would be an absolute fool to go giving him one, or looking for one from him.
He knows why you have backed off.
He knows exactly what he has done, & that you have rumbled him.
For crying out loud - he even showed you his MO, when he triangulated you vs: the previous woman (another colleague I think? ffs) he drove crazy, by showing you her desperate long message chain.

Your best way forward is 100% cool professionalism, & no mention of anything else. If he does happen to get you in live conversation (no need to respond to ANY phone/message/text/email stuff he manages to get through your blocks) - a PP gave you a perfect response upthread. Sorry, no time to find it now, but iirc it was something along the lines of "oh, when you went AWOL I thought it meant we were over. Then I realised I felt happy about that, so ... sure, we're over, let's not mention it again."
And disengage. Walk away.
There is NOTHING to be anxious about - because YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

Block and delete.

Thank you. Welling up. Fuck.

You can give yourself closure. Just.like.that.

You'd never get REAL closure from a narc anyways, you know that right?!

Listen to the song (on repeat) "lips are movin" as it sums them up!

Good luck, it took me a VERY long time to feel better, but then I was in the cycle for years rather than months. You sound smarter than me so you're out earlier, still hurts though I know.