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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I opened Xmas gifts early and hate them :(

332 replies

Dawb · 03/12/2022 09:44

So DP has taken DD to soft play this morning (rare). I’m using the time to have a clean around and found a box from my favourite website shop and decided to open it. I know very bad. I realised it was my Xmas gifts and still chose to open it while no one was in. The website isn’t designer or major expensive, but not cheap either.

The box contains nothing I like at all. The site sells different brands (think retro) and I’ve never heard of a few of them in the box. A few others completely inappropriate (think allergies to cosmetics).

I feel so so mean literally not liking any of it. He has spent I would say at least £150 on a load of expensive tat. I wouldn’t wear or use any of it.

DP is far from romantic. He does try but I think due to his upbringing he is a bit of a robot. I feel so so mean telling him - ‘thanks for trying but what on earth were you thinking’. I’m also feeling a bit down that he really hasn’t got a clue - and probably never will.

Apart from not being romantic or spontaneous he is a lovely partner. Can’t discuss with my best friend as her DP is being such a CF at the moment and would kill for a DP like mine. What do I do? Please help!

OP posts:
Lallaw · 03/12/2022 12:23

Yeah, I am getting uncomfortable vibes from this thread now.

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:27

fancyacuppatea · 03/12/2022 12:19

YANBU.
At all.

I hate surprises.
DH knows this and also knows that he "buys a receipt" for me, when I don't want the bother of returns etc.

Do you think any of it can be returned after Christmas?

Or can your re-gift for birthdays to friends/relatives?

I think going forwards you will have to accept/specify 💐🍫🍾 or just a card.

Me n DH don't bother now. If he wants something, we buy it...If I want something, we buy it.

I spend more money on Dreamies for the 😻😻

This is spot on.
if he had gone to Poundland and spent £10 on crap (we originally set a £10 limit) it would be funny and a laugh. Checked website and items can be returned. We are usually the same as you - just get what we want (need) - we aren’t ones for designer clothes, posh cars or expensive toiletries ect. I don’t understand why he has gone over the £10 limit but because he is so great don’t want to hurt his feelings. Any further advice? Xxx

OP posts:
Wheatandchaffinch · 03/12/2022 12:29

Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:23

I’m not sorry I work my arse off all year, work full time, have a side hustle, go without, drive a shit car, don’t have expensive tastes so I can actually afford the things I want. Wish my friends could back me up here. I contacted ALL my excellent condition baby bits to women’s aid after they helped me as I know how it feels to have F all. I bounced back and started from nothing and have worked so hard to be where I am now.

Show quote history

What are you on about? Why is this relevant? No one cares about your ‘side hustle’, we all work fucking hard, what has that got to do with anything? The problem here is you slagging off your husband and calling him silly and robotic. You say he’s a good husband and your friend would kill for a husband like him and you’re going on holiday at Christmas - that’s why I said have some inner perspective. You can be disappointed about the presents but you’re saying two different things about your husband and coming across as childish.

Stravaig · 03/12/2022 12:36

Watch Love Actually. Then you'll be genuinely appreciative if you do get to open them.

midsomermurderess · 03/12/2022 12:36

Think ungracious.

butterfliedtwo · 03/12/2022 12:37

He's never going to win with you. You might as well tell him you think he's an emotionless robot and let him decide what he does with that information.

CustardySergeant · 03/12/2022 12:37

Hellno44 · 03/12/2022 10:59

Smile and say thank you. I got pink sock last year.

Just the one sock? Do you think you'll get the other one this year?

Itsabitnotcold · 03/12/2022 12:39

Buy what you would like, when it arrives put it in his box and return the stuff he bought. So he thinks he bought the stuff you bought. Would he really notice the difference? 🤣

ImprobablePuffin · 03/12/2022 12:41

Dawb · 03/12/2022 10:14

Why set a £10 limit to then go and do the opposite? If your going to be defiant do it well.

How do you know the gifts are all for you? Maybe he has kept to the £10 limit with you and the gifts are for other friends/family etc?

How would you feel if on Xmas day now he actually did only give you one small thing and had kept to his end of the bargain?

Scirocco · 03/12/2022 12:46

If the items weren't wrapped up then you don't know for sure that they're all intended for you, or even that they're all Christmas presents. Which does, of course, give you the option of claiming to have opened it thinking it was a delivery for you (that you must have forgotten about) and being confused when you saw what was inside - you could then ask who the things are for so that you can factor it in to your Christmas present planning.

If he then says they're for you, you could highlight one or two of the most horrendous things (the ones you truly feel unable to tolerate), and say something like how you feel terrible but you noticed that one was this thing, which had made you think the items couldn't be for you because of, eg your allergy. You could then suggest, very apologetically, exchanging that item, eg for a gift certificate or for something for himself as he's been so generous.

If things in the box aren't to your taste but are gifts for you, you can always either exchange them (would he really notice if you exchange one brand's cosmetics for the equivalent from another brand?) or keep them for onwards gifting - you might hate something but someone else might love to receive it.

It also sounds like you're getting a bit hung up on the 'receiving' element of presents. Try to remember that your husband has (if all of those things are for you) put in a lot of effort to trying to give you something really special, on top of your very expensive-sounding holiday (have fun!), so his gifts to you are really his time, effort and love. Be grateful for those, as they're far more important than any material gift.

Oh! You also now have the opportunity to go out and get him something worth more than the spending limit you set. He's done something really nice for you - rather than critiquing it and getting stressed, go out and do something really nice for him too!

ancientgran · 03/12/2022 12:48

Dawb · 03/12/2022 11:37

Not wanting to do anything (meal, activity ect) at 8.5 month pregnant doesn’t mean make no effort and done even get a card and buy box of chicks or flowers. I would never make anyone feel worthless by making 0 effort at all. He learnt his lesson.

Hopefully you learnt your lesson as well ie don't tell people not to both if you want them to bother.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 03/12/2022 12:48

I don't cry when the pets get PTS and I don't cry at funerals. Why upset other people just because you are sad? This doesn't mean you lack emotion. It just means you don't perform and do what other people want and expect.

Fucking hell, it must be shit being a vet and killing animals several times a week, without feeling worse because I'm blubbing, instead of thanking them for their help. Funerals are tough enough, dealing with your own grief without everyone having to support you as well.

You need to learn to appreciate your DH.

Guitarbar · 03/12/2022 12:51

Perhaps they're for someone else, thatd be awkward wouldn't it.

ImprobablePuffin · 03/12/2022 12:54

Dawb · 03/12/2022 10:24

DP doesn’t know when his mum’s birthday is and I buy and organise everything. He only gets for me. Eg last week… ‘shit it was (insert HIS goddaughter’s name) birthday last week. I feel so bad I completely forgot!’ To which I responded I gave X’s mum a card at (another child’s) birthday party. I asked her a few months ago what she wanted and she said she would like (activity). I organised it with X’s mum and we are all meeting at the activity on X date. The activity she requested and the time was written in the card for her to open on her birthday.

If you do it all for him then he never needs to remember. He managed somehow before you came along so make him deal with presents for his family. This is a separate issue to the one you originally posted about but by doing it all for him you're mothering him which shouldn't be the case in a relationship

Lentilweaver · 03/12/2022 12:55

I give Dh a list of about 10 things I want for my birthday. He then buys 2 or 3. That way, I am surprised, but not unpleasantly so!

tinselterra · 03/12/2022 13:00

This is all a bit first world problem really isn't it.

ohyouknowwhatshername · 03/12/2022 13:02

Oh dear. I wonder who he's buying gifts for OP? Has he been doing a lot of overtime at work lately?

Fenella123 · 03/12/2022 13:06

OP if you are feeling brave, you can sit him down at a quiet time and have a chat.

DP/DH I love you and (insert his many fine qualities here)...
I know you want me to be delighted with my Xmas presents...
As they were stuffed down the side of the sofa in an open box I found them...
I can see you exceeded the limit and no doubt you wanted to spoil me you naughty man...
Um they aren't QUITE what I would have wanted (um well not at all but I know THEY WERE CHOSEN WITH LOVE)...
Because I want to honour your desire to spoil me, I'd like to ask your permission to swap them for something I'd really like.
Is that OK?
This is a bit awkward I know but if it were the other way around I'd want you to speak up!

Then tell him again how you admire his positive qualities...

Cross fingers and be prepared to back off but HOPEFULLY he'll be up for letting you swap them for something you can declare is "just what you wanted THANK YOU"

As you can tell I've had to consider similar conversations myself in the past though the subject was slightly different, but still VERY SENSITIVE. It went ok but God I was bricking it, but thought long-term, best to be diplomatically frank :)

YouSoundLovely · 03/12/2022 13:07

My sympathy evaporated at 'I'll be at a 5* hotel in the sun because i work hard all year'.

You do sound highly-strung, OP. I do get you to an extent, having had similar (not quite the same) great bloke/shit gifts issues, but from that experience I know that you'e putting a significance into this that belongs somewhere else. Just like your hitting out at other posters with above rather low blow because you think they've been hitting out at you. I'd be thinking less about how to deal with this* and more about what's going on with my response to it, IIWY.

*I would go the 'really sorry, opened this by mistake, assume they're for me, it's LOVELY of you and thank you so much but I'm allergic to [these] and there are other things on that site I'd prefer to [these] - would you mind if we tried to return them?'

Tickledtrout · 03/12/2022 13:10

You've got three weeks to get your face straight OP
It is romantic and thoughtful. It's just not what you'd buy for yourself.
Say thank you, accept the kindness...and then return what you can without him noticing

tinselterra · 03/12/2022 13:10

Re the five star hotel thing - I thought OP was pregnant and due at Christmas or have I got mixed up?!

Theoldwoman · 03/12/2022 13:11

You are mean for opening it, he tried. Okay, he didn’t get it right at all. But he tried. Let it go, say nothing and be prepared next year.

Tempyname · 03/12/2022 13:14

It’s tricky, I’ve been there and gently explained that I don’t like something - but they’ve been really hurt and then I really really wished I’d just smiled and said thanks so much! I don’t really enjoy surprises I suspect and so we now pick one thing each and then have a few small (no more than £30) of small surprises to open that allow for thoughtful ideas but doesn’t risk the spending lots on tat effect! You mention you don’t know some of the brands but you might love a few if the items once tried.

thebabessavedme · 03/12/2022 13:17

TBH, you should have behaved like an adult and not opened the box.

Frith2013 · 03/12/2022 13:17

Poor guy.