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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I opened Xmas gifts early and hate them :(

332 replies

Dawb · 03/12/2022 09:44

So DP has taken DD to soft play this morning (rare). I’m using the time to have a clean around and found a box from my favourite website shop and decided to open it. I know very bad. I realised it was my Xmas gifts and still chose to open it while no one was in. The website isn’t designer or major expensive, but not cheap either.

The box contains nothing I like at all. The site sells different brands (think retro) and I’ve never heard of a few of them in the box. A few others completely inappropriate (think allergies to cosmetics).

I feel so so mean literally not liking any of it. He has spent I would say at least £150 on a load of expensive tat. I wouldn’t wear or use any of it.

DP is far from romantic. He does try but I think due to his upbringing he is a bit of a robot. I feel so so mean telling him - ‘thanks for trying but what on earth were you thinking’. I’m also feeling a bit down that he really hasn’t got a clue - and probably never will.

Apart from not being romantic or spontaneous he is a lovely partner. Can’t discuss with my best friend as her DP is being such a CF at the moment and would kill for a DP like mine. What do I do? Please help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 18:38

ohyouknowwhatshername · 03/12/2022 13:02

Oh dear. I wonder who he's buying gifts for OP? Has he been doing a lot of overtime at work lately?

Hahaha we both work from home. He is in love with another woman, she is white, curvy and can be red hot. His ps5. He booked off 2 days annuL leave when she first got released - and is truly special to him. I’m unconventional in the fact I don’t mind 3 of us in this relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 18:43

Fenella123 · 03/12/2022 13:06

OP if you are feeling brave, you can sit him down at a quiet time and have a chat.

DP/DH I love you and (insert his many fine qualities here)...
I know you want me to be delighted with my Xmas presents...
As they were stuffed down the side of the sofa in an open box I found them...
I can see you exceeded the limit and no doubt you wanted to spoil me you naughty man...
Um they aren't QUITE what I would have wanted (um well not at all but I know THEY WERE CHOSEN WITH LOVE)...
Because I want to honour your desire to spoil me, I'd like to ask your permission to swap them for something I'd really like.
Is that OK?
This is a bit awkward I know but if it were the other way around I'd want you to speak up!

Then tell him again how you admire his positive qualities...

Cross fingers and be prepared to back off but HOPEFULLY he'll be up for letting you swap them for something you can declare is "just what you wanted THANK YOU"

As you can tell I've had to consider similar conversations myself in the past though the subject was slightly different, but still VERY SENSITIVE. It went ok but God I was bricking it, but thought long-term, best to be diplomatically frank :)

This sounds a great plan…. But might blame 18 month year old on opening the box….. thanks for the advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 18:46

WilsonMilson · 03/12/2022 13:21

Years ago, in my previous marriage, I found my Xmas present (or maybe it was birthday, can’t remember). It was a pair of Prada sunglasses from John Lewis hidden in the wardrobe. They were awful. I’d dropped hints about a pair of sunglasses, but these were hideous.

So….luckily the receipt was stored beside them as they weren’t yet wrapped. I took them back to John Lewis, exchanged them for a pair I liked (luckily also Prada so same sort of box) and put them back where I’d found them. Ex DH was none the wiser. He did look a little confused when I opened the gift, but I was so gushing about how much I loved them, that he didn’t say anything at all. To this day I have no idea whether he ever realised they were not the same pair.

You are a heroine amongst women. Well done! Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 18:48

Notmrsfitz · 03/12/2022 13:22

I think there’s far more to this and it can’t be resolved in a thread on Mumsnet.

I suspect that Christmas and birthdays have not always been a happy time for you and perhaps whatever happens you’ll always have the inner grief and associated anger that comes with it.
I can understand this because I, too am the same.

if your Dp is a good partner in all other aspects then I see no harm in maybe trying the clothes he’s chosen and maybe experimenting with the style and then simply saying ohh what a shame these cosmetics arent suitable for me - would it offend you if I exchange them.

A gift chosen and given with love - even a last minute gift is a gift and it is a recognition of the love that person has for you.

I think you’re just a bit over wrought and it’s understandable that this reaction is completely over the top and maybe it’s more to do with you and your feelings than the feelings about the gift itself.

Wow. If you are a therapist I’d hire you tomorrow! Your nearest and dearest are lucky to have a wise soul as yourself!

OP posts:
geraniumsandsunshine · 03/12/2022 19:16

Be grateful he can afford those gifts and had got you gifts. Many many don't have that. And I know it's annoying, but please do try and see some positives. If he is otherwise a good husband, you are one of the lucky ones

Allsnotwell · 03/12/2022 19:17

Well OP there is light at the end of the tunnel - it’s taken 20 years of training and DH now listens to what I ask for and buy it - he adds a few token gifts (as a family we buy certain things at Christmas that it’s now an expectation!)

There is hope - you just have to be honest.

I also have the crap birthday - no cake no card no singing - etc So I stopped doing these things for his birthday - he got the idea.

The following year he was ordering a Chinese for a birthday feast - the kids asked if they could eat in the living room and he said yes!! So cross -

Hes better now!

CheesyFucker · 03/12/2022 19:40

Wheatandchaffinch · 03/12/2022 12:07

he is definitely an emotional robot, didn’t cry when he had to put his dog down or never cried at a funeral ect. I would say my over-emotionless makes me less superior and wish I could not give a shit like him often.

This is also really mean. Not showing emotion and not having emotion are two different things. Men are often raised to not be allowed to show emotion, that doesn’t mean he is a ‘robot’ or doesn’t have feelings, it just means he was probably told never to display them. It sounds like he has put effort in for you, so don’t dismiss his potential feelings when you make your decision.

Really good point. Not showing emotions is not the same as not having emotions. I know a lot who are not outwardly emotional but inside they feel deeply. I think that’s more genuine tbh. As for me I’m an over dramatic fucker

Aprilx · 03/12/2022 19:46

Dawb · 03/12/2022 10:02

You are completely right. My birthday when I was pregnant (2 weeks before birth) I said I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday as I was obviously not in the best state. He mistook that for do nothing and didn’t even get a card. I cried the whole day because of his lack of effort - yet now I’m moaning about this. We did set £10 limit and he hasn’t done that at all.

I cannot believe your update! He can’t do anything right can he? 🙄

arthurfonzerelli · 03/12/2022 21:28

No advice OP but sympathies.

My DP is the exact same. Always a load of (not cheap) tat, or just not quite the right thing. It was excruciating tbh that he could get it so consistently wrong.

We've now stopped doing gifts as the whole thing was just so tiresome I just told him to stop.

arthurfonzerelli · 03/12/2022 21:30

By "the whole thing" i mean the awkwardness of me opening it and being unable to really fake much of a reaction because it really was just so wrong.

He would suggest returning / exchanging it. I would politely agree. Cue him in a massive flap because he could never find the receipt, or would put it in his car to return and leave it lying there for months because he's so forgetful.

Tiresome.

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 21:39

arthurfonzerelli · 03/12/2022 21:30

By "the whole thing" i mean the awkwardness of me opening it and being unable to really fake much of a reaction because it really was just so wrong.

He would suggest returning / exchanging it. I would politely agree. Cue him in a massive flap because he could never find the receipt, or would put it in his car to return and leave it lying there for months because he's so forgetful.

Tiresome.

Thanks for sharing your pain. I really appreciate it. I literally try so so hard (probably too hard). Prob need to think of myself more!

OP posts:
PlinkyPlonk1 · 03/12/2022 21:39

Find the receipt, take a bit of it back and swap it for stuff from the shop that you do like. 😁

I bet he never noticed on the day!

Sadbeigechildren · 03/12/2022 22:51

I literally try so so hard (probably too hard). Prob need to think of myself more!

What did I just read?

onlythreenow · 04/12/2022 00:21

he is definitely an emotional robot, didn’t cry when he had to put his dog down or never cried at a funeral ect.

I don't cry in those instances, it doesn't make me an "emotional robot." What a horrible thing to say about someone. We don't all wear our heart on our sleeve, that doesn't make us cold.

Flashingtealights · 04/12/2022 06:57

You sound really ungrateful and incredibly negative, seems he can do nothing right. He shouldn’t have bothered trying to do something nice for you . Buy your own £10 present and ask him for the money.

burnoutbabe · 04/12/2022 09:15

But the money spent is her money as they share finances and she is the highest earner.

He is spending her money on crap she doesn't want!

Now we know he has a ps5, you should buy him lots of ps4 or better ps3 games. I mean it's a brand he likes and he should just be grateful you bought anything.

Scottsy100 · 04/12/2022 15:23

my Ex was exactly the same it’s as if he never listened or paid any attention to anything he would even bring crisps of flavours I hated after 7 years together 🙄, hence why he is now an ex, that and the fact he was a lying cheating bastard of course. But I didn’t think it was a difficult thing to do to want to know what your partner likes and be thoughtful, it was too much for him clearly

CHRIST0PHERR0BIN · 04/12/2022 16:11

theyre not yours, hes spent £10 on a Joni Mitchell CD for you.

Whalesong · 04/12/2022 17:21

Is "did you set a limit?" the new "cancel the cheque"?

ewright86 · 04/12/2022 17:23

It might seem like he doesn’t “know” you but actually he knew your favourite website. So whilst he might know a specific allergy or think to check ingredients (like most men sorry to say) he knows where you shop so he clearly does know you. Just be honest and be nice about it. I would avoid the words “what on earth were you thinking”. Let’s also try and remember what Christmas is meant to be about. You’ve got a partner who loves you and made the effort to get you what he thought was a nice surprise. He is probably super proud of himself and excited to see you open it.

Nicedayout22 · 04/12/2022 17:35

Dawb · 03/12/2022 11:54

Said box is opened and in the corner next to the sofa where DD could grab any of the items from - definitely not in a private place.

regarding the birthday. I don’t want to DO anything as I’m 8.5 months pregnant in my eyes doesn’t translate as don’t but a card and some petrol station flowers to make a token effort.
he has his pins as my birthday so he doesn’t forget 😂.
he is definitely an emotional robot, didn’t cry when he had to put his dog down or never cried at a funeral ect. I would say my over-emotionless makes me less superior and wish I could not give a shit like him often.

Show quote history

I didn't cry for a decade after my dad died,and my emotional intelligence is the focal point for about half a dozen adults in close family,and strong role model for children: thinking not crying is synonymous with "emotional robot" is wrong. I also agree if the sexes were swapped,we'd be swamped in "LTB!".

Justbefair · 04/12/2022 17:54

Brush up on your acting skills, say after you may have to exchange a couple for allergies? He's tried and can only learn as he goes. Next year maybe leave a specific list of things you would like around...

Fairfatandforty · 04/12/2022 17:54

Hmm? Have you seen Love Actually?! 😳

Mummyo1 · 04/12/2022 17:55

God you sound grim

Missingpop · 04/12/2022 18:01

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂That’s what you get for being so fucking nosey; 🤥😂😂😂😂😂😂

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