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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wanted sex to ‘escape’ his stressful job

226 replies

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:15

I’ve name changed but I’ve been on mumsnet for over a decade.

Re title- AIBU that this is a complete turn off for me? I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by. It’s true that he works really hard so we have a fairly nice life. I work PT. He’s a great dad etc etc

but I’m still depressed by what he said. I feel used. AND he’s desperate for sex still. But I just don’t feel like it.

Would love some different opinions.

tia

OP posts:
Managinggenzoclock · 02/12/2022 09:18

I don’t think it’s meant to be offensive, isn’t he basically saying he wants to connect with you and forget about his troubles. Not really different to dreaming of the holiday you’ve booked when you get a stressy email. Maybe he worded it badly but I don’t think it’s an awful thing inherently.

Polecat07 · 02/12/2022 09:24

Managinggenzoclock · 02/12/2022 09:18

I don’t think it’s meant to be offensive, isn’t he basically saying he wants to connect with you and forget about his troubles. Not really different to dreaming of the holiday you’ve booked when you get a stressy email. Maybe he worded it badly but I don’t think it’s an awful thing inherently.

Have to agree, I wouldn't feel depressed, used or turned off like this as you say OP. Are their larger problems in the relationship than this which are contributing to you not wanting to have sex with him? Completely valid for you not to feel up for it, but also totally valid that he does want some sex after not having any for weeks and being stressed? Sex is a stress reliever for lots of people.

Comedycook · 02/12/2022 09:28

I feel used

That's an odd way of viewing it. Man wants sex with his wife.. that's not particularly unusual is it?

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:29

Thanks both of you. I suppose it’s starting to feel like a chore now; the prospect of having sex so he feels better.
Sometimes it feels like it’s all about him and yet he says the same back!
He’s not great with empathy. I had to move my elderly father (alone) yesterday into a new care home as the old one was shutting down. He has Alzheimer’s. It was grim. AND he still tried last night to have sex with me after a day like that.

OP posts:
ThisMustBeMyDream · 02/12/2022 09:32

This sounds very sad. Nothing wrong in what he said as such, but maybe he needed to say a bit more to explain. He wants intimacy with his wife because it feels good, surely?
The bigger question is why you don't want intimacy? What else is going on?

CaronPoivre · 02/12/2022 09:34

He’s right. Sex is very good for relieving stress. It releases endorphins and oxytocin. It’s quite good for triggering labour and sorting insomnia too.

Most couples do want sex. It maintains the connection and intimacy.

There is a suggestion you don’t want sex and are blaming him because he does want it. I think you need to really understand why you are rejecting him and the impact on your relationship. Is it him or sex you don’t want? You might need to talk to your GP.

eggsandbaconeveryday · 02/12/2022 09:35

Is there much affection between you besides sex? It sounds as though he needs an emotional connection but thinks that having sex is the only way to get that

upfucked · 02/12/2022 09:36

I understand where both you and DH are coming from. It sounds like you are both under a lot of stress and deal with it differently. When we are stressed we tend not to communicate well, by this I mean we struggle to really listen to what the other is saying without jumping to conclusions and assuming it’s a judgement against us and we also aren’t very good at explaining what is happening. It sounds like a communication issue. There are various listening exercises you can google and it maybe worth trying some out.

MermaidEyes · 02/12/2022 09:37

The biggest question here really is why haven't you had sex for several weeks? It sounds like you might have some issues with intimacy. He shouldn't be pestering you but equally it's perfectly normal for him to want sex with his wife.

Sirius3030 · 02/12/2022 09:37

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:29

Thanks both of you. I suppose it’s starting to feel like a chore now; the prospect of having sex so he feels better.
Sometimes it feels like it’s all about him and yet he says the same back!
He’s not great with empathy. I had to move my elderly father (alone) yesterday into a new care home as the old one was shutting down. He has Alzheimer’s. It was grim. AND he still tried last night to have sex with me after a day like that.

LTB. That will solve all your problems.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/12/2022 09:38

Saying you want sex as an escape makes it sound very impersonal, little better than somewhere to dump his load. I get why you dont like it. I want to have sex with people who want to connect because they care about me. But it could be poor choice of words or lack of ability to express himself clearly?

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:38

Its only been 10 days of no sex for him. I’m asking others whether it would be a ‘turn off’ or not.
Of course it’s not unreasonable for a husband to want to have sex with their wife. I felt like I could have been anyone though…
I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive or not. We have 4 dcs, I have the elderly parent etc. Alzheimer’s sucks.

I’ve asked dh for a date. However he’s terrible at arranging anything.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/12/2022 09:39

Ps. Sorry about your DF

MermaidEyes · 02/12/2022 09:40

Well 10 busy days is a bit different to several weeks, which implies a month or two

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:42

Thank you @Atethehalloweenchocs I think just some kind words like that would be nice from dh. However he’s ‘down’ from the lack of sex… 😩

OP posts:
Idontdoyoga · 02/12/2022 09:44

I don’t want to sound harsh but you “felt like you could have been anyone.”
Be careful because he might turn to someone.
I hope you get your date night … I hope you can recapture something lost.

AdamRyan · 02/12/2022 09:46

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/12/2022 09:38

Saying you want sex as an escape makes it sound very impersonal, little better than somewhere to dump his load. I get why you dont like it. I want to have sex with people who want to connect because they care about me. But it could be poor choice of words or lack of ability to express himself clearly?

Yeah, this
I also think he's feeling "left out" because you are focusing on your dad etc so he's trying to get you to focus on him.
I've been in a marriage like this and it's a total turn off so I think YANBU

Comedycook · 02/12/2022 09:47

Poor you..you sound like you have a lot on your plate. Your dh sounds a bit thoughtless considering the circumstances

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 02/12/2022 09:49

I think expressing that he would enjoy having sex with you and he finds it a great escape from life's stresses is fine

But if he is also putting pressure on you to have sex and not taking into account your feelings (like when your father moved into the home) then that's not okay

It's not nice to be stuck in a relationship where your partner doesn't want to have sex with you as often as you like.

But it's also horrible to be stuck in a relationship with a partner who pressures you to have aex regardless of your feelings, because it feels like they don't care about mutual pleasure.

Honestly if he is not being coercive and straying over into abusive (hard to tell from the initial couple of posts) and this is just down to life I would suggest counselling.

But it strikes me that he is talking about only work stress and you are talking about child and caring stress and maybe if all the child stress didn't sit on your shoulders you might feel more inclined towards sex.

LizzieSiddal · 02/12/2022 09:50

Fucking hell I can’t believe some of the posts here!

@Eoooo please post in Relationships rather that AIBU, you’ll get some advice there. To me your dh sounds like a selfish arse, no wonder you don’t really want sex with him, I wouldn’t either.

Ivyy · 02/12/2022 09:50

He's "down" from not having sex for 10 days? Sounds like he's guilt tripping you op which would really annoy me. Also I know after a hard day like you had yesterday I'd feel exactly the same, he should respect that even if he can't empathise with it. My dh would know I wouldn't be in the mood after a stressful day with an elderly parent with Alzheimer's and would just want hugs tbh. He sounds very selfish and not very good at communicating. It's a very harsh way to phrase what he wants and would turn me off too. Can you talk to him about how you're feeling?

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:52

No, I don’t think he would ever cheat… he would be the bad guy then and the bad dad.

I think because we’re both stressed it’s hard to communicate - you’re right @upfucked

So interestingly (surprisingly) the majority is to just have sex with dh?

There is nothing medical going on for me. Dh will be on top of the world afterwards...and be nicer in general. I just have to get over the ‘hump’. It’s not just that I felt used by his comment, it made him unattractive for me. I don’t want to have sex with someone I find unattractive.

OP posts:
CaronPoivre · 02/12/2022 09:56

I don’t think you should have sex when you don’t want it. I do think having sex strengthens relationships and is a force for good in a marriage.
He may have been crass in his delivery of a message but have you been honest in what you want or don’t want? Have you told him how his words made you feel and that you’d like a bit of courting?

MMmomDD · 02/12/2022 09:58

I think you are overreacting to his wording.
You are understandably upset about your father’s condition and that can put us off sex. I’d own up to that and not try to put it on it being your H’s fault. He didn’t do anything wrong.

Sex in a couple serves all kinds of proposes. It maintains connection, of course. And at times it does relieve stress too. And it is a need people have and of course they can feel different when there is no sex. I know I get more irritable after a while without. And if, in addition to no sex life is also stressful/difficult - it makes me feel even worse.

Just don’t get into a bad cycle of arguing about it, having even less sex, arguing more. Try to talk to him about where your head is instead.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/12/2022 09:59

It comes across as he's been working hard and he's not getting his money's worth from you.

There are lots of ways to relieve stress. He should not be expecting one person to meet all his needs.

You could compromise on intimacy that doesn't involve sex if you don't want it - massage, lazy Sunday reading in bed, or whatever relaxes you both but tell him that sulking for sex is a massive turn off.

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