Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wanted sex to ‘escape’ his stressful job

226 replies

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:15

I’ve name changed but I’ve been on mumsnet for over a decade.

Re title- AIBU that this is a complete turn off for me? I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by. It’s true that he works really hard so we have a fairly nice life. I work PT. He’s a great dad etc etc

but I’m still depressed by what he said. I feel used. AND he’s desperate for sex still. But I just don’t feel like it.

Would love some different opinions.

tia

OP posts:
Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:59

Yes I’ve told him @CaronPoivre
but he’s stressed and has ‘enough on his plate’

However if we have sex then he’ll probably be ‘energised’ and might be better at being more ‘thoughtful’. This is annoying.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 02/12/2022 09:59

I don’t want to have sex with someone I find unattractive.

I think if you feel like that but have sex to get over the "hump" it sets a precedent that you will do that and long term its damaging to your relationship.

His need for sex is not more important than your need for support and connection.

He also sounds like he's sulking which could be coercive and that's not OK either.

I think counselling is a better option than "lie back and think of England". Because next step could be, even though you are having regular sex with him it's not adventurous or long enough and the sulking will start again.

MN seems to have had an influx of posters with quite antiquated views recently

BadNomad · 02/12/2022 10:02

Grumpy fucker. If he wants sex, then he needs to put in more of an effort to get you in the mood first.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2022 10:03

Do you enjoy it when you do it? Have mismatched libidos been an issue for long? How old is the baby? Are you breastfeeding?

I want to have sex for lots of different reasons, it is an escape from the rest of life, it’s good for your health, it’s exercise, it’s bonding time, it’s fun. If you enjoy it. If you don’t that’s a separate issue.

Why’s it becoming a chore? Because it’s crap sex or you just aren't interested?

Don’t get hung up on semantics if you usually have decent communication.

BigglyBee · 02/12/2022 10:04

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:52

No, I don’t think he would ever cheat… he would be the bad guy then and the bad dad.

I think because we’re both stressed it’s hard to communicate - you’re right @upfucked

So interestingly (surprisingly) the majority is to just have sex with dh?

There is nothing medical going on for me. Dh will be on top of the world afterwards...and be nicer in general. I just have to get over the ‘hump’. It’s not just that I felt used by his comment, it made him unattractive for me. I don’t want to have sex with someone I find unattractive.

I think the answer is to tell him how it makes you feel when he talks to you like that. I've been there (after our daughter was stillborn, he put a lot of pressure on me to have sex because he found it "comforting"). I was utterly revolted by him doing that, and wanted to be left alone.

I doubt this is going to be quickly fixed because there are obviously underlying issues, but hopefully he can understand that pressuring you in any way is not likely to be helpful. Getting out and doing something fun together is likely to help you in any case, because you need a break from the stress your father's illness is causing. Perhaps he will also see that supporting you with that will make him more attractive to you, who knows?

k1233 · 02/12/2022 10:05

Have you told him that he is turning sex into a chore for you that probably rates with as much enthusiasm for you as housework ie another chore for you to do before you can think about you.

I think you suggesting a date is possibly hinting at a lack of him paying you attention with no obligations attached. That's when I start to back off - when sex is the equivalent of vacuuming and I hate vacuuming!

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 10:05

Thank you @BadNomad this made me laugh!

I’m tempted to show dh this thread - I did once before (about something completely unrelated) and mumsnet ‘hated’ him. It made him really angry and I didn’t hear the end of it for a couple of years… (he’s quite sensitive too)

OP posts:
BigglyBee · 02/12/2022 10:05

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:59

Yes I’ve told him @CaronPoivre
but he’s stressed and has ‘enough on his plate’

However if we have sex then he’ll probably be ‘energised’ and might be better at being more ‘thoughtful’. This is annoying.

Ewwww! That sounds very... transactional. Not sexy at all.

Ivyy · 02/12/2022 10:07

I agree post in Relationships op, I think this is better placed there than AIBU

Saying be careful he might turn to someone else (and it's only been 10 days) is what my gran used to say, "men have needs" was another one. Like it was a wife's duty, nevermind how the woman might be feeling or what her needs might be. Like connection, not being made to feel like she could be anyone, not feeling like a one stop shop to a hard day's stress relief

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 10:08

This is in the relationship topic?

OP posts:
goodenoughmum88 · 02/12/2022 10:10

He wants sex, you want intimacy and connection, you both need to communicate to get your needs met and it may be that being more assertive with him would accomplish this?

And if he’s still an arse tell him to sort himself out and have a wank?!?

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 10:12

@k1233 dh jumps at the chance to give me a massage! However he gets so physically turned on that there’s always sex after.

yes, the sex is good.

but I’m annoyed that he has these phases that when this situation happens the only thing that seems to help is me having sex with him. It’s annoying.

and then I feel sorry for him because he does work really hard and he tries his best to be a good husband etc. He already is a great dad…

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 02/12/2022 10:15

Do you ever want sex? Just a good old fashioned shag with your DH?

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 10:16

There doesn’t seem to be time for counselling, dates, fun.

We might get a quick coffee but there’s always the school pick up to think about etc - it feels rushed. He’s often very distracted with work pressure.

OP posts:
Ivyy · 02/12/2022 10:16

Sorry my bad I had a thread above in AIBU on my active list - lack of sleep effecting my eyes!

Pythonese · 02/12/2022 10:18

I think he needs to cut back on his hours and stop working so hard. That way you won't feel "used".

Mirabai · 02/12/2022 10:18

I’ve asked dh for a date. However he’s terrible at arranging anything.

Doesn’t have any problem arranging sex though does he? He simply can’t be arsed OP.

Does he do anything for you to relieve your stress? Or does he simply demand sex on top of everything else you have to do?

Cuppsoupmonster · 02/12/2022 10:19

No it wouldn’t turn me off. If I didn’t fancy the whole shebang though I would just do a massage then blowjob. Done in half an hour and no need to shower at the end 😂

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 02/12/2022 10:19

Women do not exist for male stress relief. Sod that.

Cuppsoupmonster · 02/12/2022 10:21

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 02/12/2022 10:19

Women do not exist for male stress relief. Sod that.

No and men don’t exist as work horses so women can work PT and have nice lifestyle 🤷🏼‍♀️

altmember · 02/12/2022 10:22

Mirabai · 02/12/2022 10:18

I’ve asked dh for a date. However he’s terrible at arranging anything.

Doesn’t have any problem arranging sex though does he? He simply can’t be arsed OP.

Does he do anything for you to relieve your stress? Or does he simply demand sex on top of everything else you have to do?

Clearly he does have a problem arranging sex, hence this thread!

Comedycook · 02/12/2022 10:24

No and men don’t exist as work horses so women can work PT and have nice lifestyle

The op has four kids and an elderly parent to deal with as well as working. Doesn't sound like a particularly lavish lifestyle to me.

baileys6904 · 02/12/2022 10:25

I don't think you actually like him OP?

If you don't, or there are issues in your relationship that you don't think can be fixed, don't hide behind a lesser statement and be truthful with yourself

Mirabai · 02/12/2022 10:26

altmember · 02/12/2022 10:22

Clearly he does have a problem arranging sex, hence this thread!

Show quote history

Well no, he just wants it all the time and OP doesn’t. He still manages to get organise sex with her, by emotional blackmail if necessary, but he can’t even organise a date.

If took her on dates as often as he moaned about sex she might find him more attractive.

upfucked · 02/12/2022 10:31

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 10:16

There doesn’t seem to be time for counselling, dates, fun.

We might get a quick coffee but there’s always the school pick up to think about etc - it feels rushed. He’s often very distracted with work pressure.

I know what’s it like to be in the sandwich generation and have small children. But investing time and money into your relationship will take much less time and money and stress than a divorce.