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Original poster

Dh wanted sex to ‘escape’ his stressful job

226 replies

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:15

I’ve name changed but I’ve been on mumsnet for over a decade.

Re title- AIBU that this is a complete turn off for me? I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by. It’s true that he works really hard so we have a fairly nice life. I work PT. He’s a great dad etc etc

but I’m still depressed by what he said. I feel used. AND he’s desperate for sex still. But I just don’t feel like it.

Would love some different opinions.

tia

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 02/12/2022 10:32

Suggest a blow up doll.

RenegadeMrs · 02/12/2022 10:39

Generalisations incomeing, but; this sounds like a case of a man forgetting that female arousal is at least as mental as it is physical. If he doesn't make any effort to get you in the right headspace (and it sounds as though you have a lot on your plate at the moment) then not much sex will happen.

Honestly it sounds as though you want a bit of a break from the humdrum day to day running around and caring for everyone else. By telling you that he needs sex for him to destress he has effectivly reframed sex from a mutually benifical activity to one for his benefit, which makes it into yet another caring responsability for you. And you have your plate full of that already with four kids and an elderly father.

I totally get why this is a turn off and think the date is an excellent idea.

MummyJ36 · 02/12/2022 10:41

You don’t owe anyone sex, nobody, not even your DH. To be honest I’m not surprised you’re not feeling up for it when you have 4 DC’s and a parent with Alzheimer’s. It’s true that sometimes sex drives can be different and occasionally you might DTD when you’re not totally up for it but this sounds like a regular occurrence now and I do think that is unreasonable of him. It is not your “duty” to have sex with him.

I would sit down and explain to him exactly why you have not been feeling in the mood lately and how his constant pestering and lack of understanding is affecting you. If a date night is what you feel would help then make this clear. You cannot be expected just to hop to it because he’s had a stressful day, especially when it sounds like you’re having equally stressful days. Ask if there are other ways he could think of connecting with you that doesn’t involve penetration and see what he suggests.

Jingerlo · 02/12/2022 10:46

I understand what you're saying OP. It seems as though he's approaching you like you owe him sex so he can get stress relief rather than a sense of connection or a sense that he really desires you. It's being turned into an act to make him feel better, a step up from having a wank. That's a huge turn off. I think you need to find the time to communicate otherwise this is just going to deteriorate.

I too am depressed at some of the responses on here. I'm surprised someone hasn't used the term 'conjugal rights'. No woman should have to 'service' her partner just to satisfy their selfish desire to get stress relief. A reluctant fxxk is a sad state of affairs. It may happen from time to time when you're not in synch but no one should feel obliged. You really need to have a word.

Geville · 02/12/2022 10:54

What would make you feel like sex?

Write it down and show him, maybe?

You said you’ve asked for a date. Great idea. It sounds like you want attention and to be made to feel special and valuable, worthy of his love.

Your Dad being unwell and being in a home is very very upsetting.

DH has to allow you to grieve the loss of your Dad. Are you getting help for that?

I do think he should be more understanding and not make it all about him. Sex must be because both parties want it.

DuchessDandelion · 02/12/2022 10:57

Idontdoyoga · 02/12/2022 09:44

I don’t want to sound harsh but you “felt like you could have been anyone.”
Be careful because he might turn to someone.
I hope you get your date night … I hope you can recapture something lost.

WOW.

Its the 21stC you know.

YANBU op, would turn me off too.

10 days.

As someone else said, you're not there to service your husband.

Surprised at most of the responses you've had .

Propertyindisrepair · 02/12/2022 11:01

Of course it’s grim - he wants to use your body as a sex toy to blow off some steam
and is arsey that you won’t let him use you

so grim

JoyeuxNarwhal · 02/12/2022 11:03

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:29

Thanks both of you. I suppose it’s starting to feel like a chore now; the prospect of having sex so he feels better.
Sometimes it feels like it’s all about him and yet he says the same back!
He’s not great with empathy. I had to move my elderly father (alone) yesterday into a new care home as the old one was shutting down. He has Alzheimer’s. It was grim. AND he still tried last night to have sex with me after a day like that.

If he views sex as relief of stress, then he was in a clumsy way trying to help you deal with your stressful day by suggesting sex? Maybe? But you need to have the conversation that you don't feel the same way about it.

Beefcurtains79 · 02/12/2022 11:06

God these replies are depressing. 10 days? OP is not a wank sock.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 02/12/2022 11:06

I'm always astounded, at how many women don't want to have sex with their husbands. It's SO sad.

georgarina · 02/12/2022 11:09

I get it OP. Sex is framed as something 'for him,' nothing to do with you and what you might like/want. Nothing to get you in the mood because it's not about you, it's about providing sexual release for him and you might as well be a blow up doll.

I went through this with my ex.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 02/12/2022 11:10

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:29

Thanks both of you. I suppose it’s starting to feel like a chore now; the prospect of having sex so he feels better.
Sometimes it feels like it’s all about him and yet he says the same back!
He’s not great with empathy. I had to move my elderly father (alone) yesterday into a new care home as the old one was shutting down. He has Alzheimer’s. It was grim. AND he still tried last night to have sex with me after a day like that.

If I'd had a stressful and upsetting day, I would want comforting, intimacy and yes, sex. I'd probably moan that DH didn't care about me, if he jumped in to bed and turned his back on me. Just shows how different we all are, I guess. 😳

Summerfun54321 · 02/12/2022 11:11

Doesn’t everyone have sex to feel better? I definitely don’t have sex in order to feel worse. It’s a great way to unwind from a stressful job. Unless he’s demanding sex or pressuring you for it I don’t see the problem. It sounds like you generally don’t want sex with him if something like this is a turn off.

Dacadactyl · 02/12/2022 11:11

What? There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with what your husband said OP. People have sex for a multitude of reasons...one of which is to relieve stress. I have had sex many a time with the sole aim of feeling less stressed afterwards.

It's normal.

georgarina · 02/12/2022 11:11

*And it's not that I never wanted it, I just never wanted to be used as a receptacle with no thought to my needs or getting me in the mood, no feeling that he was attracted to me specifically, etc. Just that I was expected to go straight from my stressful workload to being 'available' to him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 11:12

It sounds like you need to start to talk to each other about what could be going better in your relationship and life, so you do have time for a bit of romance and fun, because situations like this do just tend to get worse.

If you are better at organising do a bit to get this to happen - and then once it's happening you can share that 50/50

Sex is a great stress reliever and its normal to sometimes just want that rather than a full on connection session - it doesn't mean you don't value your partner. The fact you are taking this so personally might indicate you are generally a bit down?

Right now, I would personally have sex pretty soon, because that will help open channels of communication. Once you do start talking more you can figure out how to make time for it more often.

Summerfun54321 · 02/12/2022 11:12

From your update it sounds like more of a lack of communication and general caring which is having an impact on your sex life.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 11:14

Beefcurtains79 · 02/12/2022 11:06

God these replies are depressing. 10 days? OP is not a wank sock.

You are over simplifying though.

There's a general lack of intimacy and communication in the OP's relationship, it's not a random dry patch.

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 11:19

actually it’s only really been the last few months @Luredbyapomegranate where we’ve had less sex than usual.

thank you to the poster who said I’m grieving. I don’t think dh thinks this. And I think I am grieving but also my dad has been becoming hyper sexual as a result of the Alzheimer’s (this is common) and I find this fairly gross obviously.

And everything is mixed up. I’m turned off in general perhaps.

to the poster who said what would I need to feel like having sex. A weekend a way probably, nice hotel, away from kids & depressing care homes.

I’m not sure this is possible unfortunately.

OP posts:
Jennybeans401 · 02/12/2022 11:20

It amazes ne sometimes that men can ge so blinkered! The OP is feeling out of sorts herself, she moved her elderly father into a care home with no support. Why does her dh need for sex take precedence?

If your dh was to arrange a nice dinner, put some effort into connecting with you emotionally would you feel differently? We are not robots, we also need love and care to connect on that physical level.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/12/2022 11:21

A man feeling entitled to sex is a huge turn off. They may as well say they view my body as something they want to use, feel entitled to use, as a leisure activity. Working hard is completely irrelevant, and it is unpleasant that he thinks it is.

Fuwari · 02/12/2022 11:21

It becomes a vicious circle. The person wanting sex feels down and doesn’t have the motivation to make efforts in other ways as they feel like there’s no point. But for the person who doesn’t want sex, they won’t want it until efforts are made. Like the date night example. If he took you on a date night with the expectation of sex afterwards, that wouldn’t make you happy. But he isn’t in the mood for another night of no sex after making that effort. I can see both sides.

Yes I mean we could all blame him as usual with “no one has a right to sex”. That may be true. But having been in his position (I am a woman for clarity) it’s quite soul destroying not to be wanted by your partner in that way. On the occasions they do agree to sex, wondering if they’re doing it just to keep you “happy”. It’s horrible. My ex probably would have said I “sulked”. I wasn’t sulking, I was deeply unhappy.

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 11:21

@Luredbyapomegranate
”Right now, I would personally have sex pretty soon, because that will help open channels of communication. Once you do start talking more you can figure out how to make time for it more often.”

this just feels unfeminist and wrong to me. But I get where you’re coming from.

OP posts:
MiniHouse · 02/12/2022 11:21

I wish my husband wanted sex to escape his stressful job. it's so much better than the alternatives like being put off sex because of work stress, or constantly complaining. I'm like, that's interesting (empathy etc) but can we have sex!? 😉

Having said that if you don't like how he put it, I'd talk to him and explain you're happy to have sex (however often you are). If it's too much suggest exercise instead.You understand he's stressed and hope he wants to have sex with you because you're in love. And does he want to talk about his job and/or make changes.

Greenfairydust · 02/12/2022 11:22

I think I see your point.

Sex as far as I am concerned does not just happened in isolation, there should be an emotional connection, affection and intimacy in general in the relationship to start with.

It sounds like it has become just another daily chore rather than something you enjoy and that your husband is unable to meet your emotional needs in the relationships: like giving you some emotional support when you are back from dealing with your dad and really upset.

I think it might be time for you to have a chat with him about your concerns: tell him you don't really feel loved and supported either at the moment and that he should stop pressuring you for sex and instead try to first rekindle a connection and be more of a support to you in general.

If you have 4 kids to take care of and are struggling with your dad, him just pushing you to have sex wen you are feeling down is hardly going to put you in the mood.

And of course you don't ''just have sex with your DH''. You should never force yourself to do something with your body that you know you won't enjoy. I have no idea why so many posters think that's OK to suggest that. Marriage does not mean you lose ownership of your body.