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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wanted sex to ‘escape’ his stressful job

226 replies

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:15

I’ve name changed but I’ve been on mumsnet for over a decade.

Re title- AIBU that this is a complete turn off for me? I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by. It’s true that he works really hard so we have a fairly nice life. I work PT. He’s a great dad etc etc

but I’m still depressed by what he said. I feel used. AND he’s desperate for sex still. But I just don’t feel like it.

Would love some different opinions.

tia

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/12/2022 14:56

Beefcurtains79

to be fair many women are fucking their husbands and they cheat nonetheless

but it’s a risk , I’m not saying she should fuck him if she doesn’t want to . But have eyes wide open here

it’s risky 🤷‍♀️

but maybe when they split she’s find someone else she does want to shag
win win

Eleganz · 03/12/2022 16:44

I'm not going to come down on either side here. I think OP and her husband have an empathy deficit in their relationship and need to improve how they communicate with each other. OP is feeling neglected and misunderstood by her DH and it sounds like her DH is feeling the same.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 03/12/2022 16:59

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/12/2022 14:56

Beefcurtains79

to be fair many women are fucking their husbands and they cheat nonetheless

but it’s a risk , I’m not saying she should fuck him if she doesn’t want to . But have eyes wide open here

it’s risky 🤷‍♀️

but maybe when they split she’s find someone else she does want to shag
win win

If I had to have sex with my husband more frequently than every 10 days because otherwise he would cheat on me, I wouldn't want to be in that marriage

Sometimes we have sex every day, sometimes 2-3 times a week, sometimes every couple of weeks and sometimes when life has been very stressful it's been a few months. And I've never once worried that he was going to go off and shag another woman.

Because my husband isn't an arsehole.

How about we set the bar a little higher and not assume all men are so shallow that if they dont get to have sex for a few days they will be throwing themselves at the nearest women. Normalising that doesn't do us any favours.

UglyNameChange · 03/12/2022 17:22

It's not weird to have not found intimacy and connection through sex.
Thank you @Mayflier , gotta say I’ve always felt like a odd one out with this one.

Mayflier · 03/12/2022 17:42

@Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead well, quite, it does seem quite a bizarre post to have made on this thread... though I suppose the OP did say she wanted some different opinions... but just seems so irrelevant and unhelpful to the OP's circumstances.

@UglyNameChange you are not weird at all. But, and I don't know how old you are, I would say that you are right to say that sex is not the be all and end all, but don't close yourself off to the idea that non/low sexual happy relationships are absolutely a possibility, nor that you might one day find the right person who makes meaningful, mutually rewarding, sex click into place for you.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2022 18:23

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 11:12

It sounds like you need to start to talk to each other about what could be going better in your relationship and life, so you do have time for a bit of romance and fun, because situations like this do just tend to get worse.

If you are better at organising do a bit to get this to happen - and then once it's happening you can share that 50/50

Sex is a great stress reliever and its normal to sometimes just want that rather than a full on connection session - it doesn't mean you don't value your partner. The fact you are taking this so personally might indicate you are generally a bit down?

Right now, I would personally have sex pretty soon, because that will help open channels of communication. Once you do start talking more you can figure out how to make time for it more often.

So op should let him use her body to get off on so he will be a grown up and talk to her?

Uugghh I can't think straight cos I'm so horny" is not the sentiment of anyone old enough for me to have sex with.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2022 18:29

Sennelier1 · 03/12/2022 08:13

@Eoooo I think I would just give in, and then later (not immediately, but f.i. during the week-end) tell him you weren't happy with how the sex happened and "could we talk about this?" Then take it from there, agree on booking a date night regularly, make special time for each-other. You both need an escape from all the stress with his job, your elderly father.

"Hey, I know I LET you fuck me but I want you to know after the event that I felt really coerced into it and I just let you fuck me because otherwise you can't have a proper conversation"

I mean I'm not expert but I think telling my husband that I'd gone along with him pushing me into having sex against my will would kill our relationship.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2022 18:33

UglyNameChange · 03/12/2022 09:02

Offtopic: Is it weird that I have no idea what all this ’connection’ and ’intimacy’ from/during sex means?

Seriously, I don’t relate at all to those comments.

Not weird but I do think it's kinda sad because that intimacy and connection etc come fro ma palce of happiness and love and respect and mutual, reciprocated importancing (not a word but it should be), of each others needs and we should all have a chance to feel that

Stompythedinosaur · 03/12/2022 18:34

loislovesstewie · 03/12/2022 09:56

Of course he can have a wank, but sometimes a person wants to have sex with the person that they love. I'm talkng about me here too. It's the closeness that's important as well as physical release.

But raping someone is really not going to increase your intimacy.

So if someone doesn't want to have sex, the answer is not pressuring or coercing them.

Maybe patience, support and seduction?

The answer is not to tell the op to accept sex she doesn't want, it is for her partner to make changes until she wants to have sex.

pats555 · 03/12/2022 18:46

You are literally complaining about your husband, your supposed soul mate, wanting to have sex with you. This thread legit helps reaffirm that I made the correct decision not to get married.

Sennelier1 · 03/12/2022 18:49

@SleepingStandingUp , oh well, I was thinking that refusing sex because he mentioned he needs it to relax isn't exactly saving the relationship either.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 03/12/2022 20:07

Sennelier1 · 03/12/2022 18:49

@SleepingStandingUp , oh well, I was thinking that refusing sex because he mentioned he needs it to relax isn't exactly saving the relationship either.

If refusing sex when I am not in the mood for it would be enough to kill a relationship I wouldn't want to be in that relationship

If I mentioned a threesome with another man would help me to relax would my husband be expected to facilitate that regardless of his feelings

It sounds like the OP is currently more than pulling her weight with the housework and various caring arrangements. How about her DH does some extra housework to help her relax? Then maybe she would be more in the mood for sex. Or is it just the DH who gets what he wants in order to relax?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2022 18:46

Sennelier1 · 03/12/2022 18:49

@SleepingStandingUp , oh well, I was thinking that refusing sex because he mentioned he needs it to relax isn't exactly saving the relationship either.

So you know what he said isn't good, but you think she should still "give in" aka let her body be used for sex when you accept it wouldn't actually make you want to drop your knickers either??

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2022 18:48

pats555 · 03/12/2022 18:46

You are literally complaining about your husband, your supposed soul mate, wanting to have sex with you. This thread legit helps reaffirm that I made the correct decision not to get married.

So once married, DH and I should always want sex at exactly the same time ergo any time the other wants it, the partner is obliged to oblige? I'm not sure you understand marriage

UglyNameChange · 04/12/2022 18:58

Mayflier · 03/12/2022 17:42

@Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead well, quite, it does seem quite a bizarre post to have made on this thread... though I suppose the OP did say she wanted some different opinions... but just seems so irrelevant and unhelpful to the OP's circumstances.

@UglyNameChange you are not weird at all. But, and I don't know how old you are, I would say that you are right to say that sex is not the be all and end all, but don't close yourself off to the idea that non/low sexual happy relationships are absolutely a possibility, nor that you might one day find the right person who makes meaningful, mutually rewarding, sex click into place for you.

Thanks, but I find life to be better when I just allowed it to myself that I don’t have to have sex anymore.

Sexless relationship would be something I’d consider.

Somebody else tag me and said repeated the old chestnut about intimacy and sad of missing it out.
But I do wonder aboit how intimate and special it can be, when pretty much everybody is shagging everyone and a lot of it just kinks and banging and fucking and not respecting people who don’t want it, how can these people say it’s about sharing and connection?

Mayflier · 04/12/2022 19:25

@UglyNameChange everbody is not shagging everyone and 'banging' and 'fucking' and 'shagging' and 'kinks'... really, they're not. The majority of people - at any age - are simply not doing that. Social media/porn culture and bullshit bragging are perhaps convincing you otherwise but it's not true.

UglyNameChange · 04/12/2022 19:38

Oh, porn didn’t convince me of anything.
It has been a lived experience.

WisherWood · 04/12/2022 21:43

But I do wonder aboit how intimate and special it can be, when pretty much everybody is shagging everyone and a lot of it just kinks and banging and fucking and not respecting people who don’t want it, how can these people say it’s about sharing and connection?

I think just because that's your experience, it doesn't mean it has to be everyone's. Sex is odd in how incredibly varied it can be, even with just one couple. I think though if you're dead set against believing it can be intimate and special, you're just not going to believe anything that anyone says otherwise. And you might not experience it yourself either - because when it is really intimate, it's as much a state of mind as anything else.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/12/2022 00:15

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead

well sounds like you have a very healthy and normal sex life
and not the issues the OP has

im not normalising it , but sadly it’s normal
it happens all the the bloody time

MiniHouse · 05/12/2022 16:26

If I had a husband who would cheat because I didn't have sex with him for ten days after giving him 4 kids and going through a difficult time, frankly I'd rather he just went.

Why are we assuming this guy will cheat. We don't know him. No one should be piling pressure on like that. My husband sometimes doesn't feel like sex for over 10 days. I'm apparently entitled to cheat (or does that only apply to men I wonder)

UglyNameChange · 05/12/2022 16:31

WisherWood · 04/12/2022 21:43

But I do wonder aboit how intimate and special it can be, when pretty much everybody is shagging everyone and a lot of it just kinks and banging and fucking and not respecting people who don’t want it, how can these people say it’s about sharing and connection?

I think just because that's your experience, it doesn't mean it has to be everyone's. Sex is odd in how incredibly varied it can be, even with just one couple. I think though if you're dead set against believing it can be intimate and special, you're just not going to believe anything that anyone says otherwise. And you might not experience it yourself either - because when it is really intimate, it's as much a state of mind as anything else.

Well, we all have our experiences.
I’m not ’dead set’ on anything, sorry if my lack of wow when it comes to sex offences you in some way.
I just believe lot of people are talking non-sense and whatever fit their current narrative when it comes to sex, that’s all.

Persimmo · 05/12/2022 16:57

i don’t mind admitting my husband sometime wants sex when I’m not in the mood for it - but 15 mins in, I get in the mood for it, nine times out of ten anyway. And the tenth time if for whatever reason I’m not up for it I just say so and that’s fine. But our sex drives are not completely in sync.

I fancy him but not to the point I want to rip his clothes off all the time. But I can get in the mood from not being in it, so I usually do. And he can be persuaded into it as well. I never ever have lain in bed after sex and wished I hadn’t. It’s comparable to exercise, for me. Not always up for it, but always glad I’ve done it and it’s very good for our closeness. I think he feels the same.

Mahanii · 05/12/2022 17:08

Sex is definitely an escape for me. Is that an odd thing?

Stompythedinosaur · 05/12/2022 17:22

Mahanii · 05/12/2022 17:08

Sex is definitely an escape for me. Is that an odd thing?

Not at all, but I assume you are having sex with a consenting partner?

If the op's husband wants to have sex with a partner who does not want to have sex with him as a form of escape, that is a very different thing.

Mahanii · 05/12/2022 17:23

But her original complaint was the words he used, wasn't it?