Dh wanted sex to ‘escape’ his stressful job

[Eoooo]

I’ve name changed but I’ve been on mumsnet for over a decade.

Re title- AIBU that this is a complete turn off for me? I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by. It’s true that he works really hard so we have a fairly nice life. I work PT. He’s a great dad etc etc

but I’m still depressed by what he said. I feel used. AND he’s desperate for sex still. But I just don’t feel like it.

Would love some different opinions.

tia

@fancyacuppatea 🙏🏻

@Eoooo When my dad had terminal cancer, it was so physically and mentally draining. He had loads of other stuff (kidney/heart) wrong too, so I do get where you're coming from.
I was grateful that DH understood.
All I needed was a hug - all he needed was a hot evening meal and some clean pants 🤦‍♀️
If he'd sulked we'd be divorced now.

His needs don't trump yours but equally yours don't trump his. He needs sex to have an emotional bond, you need an emotional bond to have sex. Frankly you're in a stalemate and at the moment, you are the one holding the keys to solve it. Just shag him. Nothing 'unfeminist' about it.

Yes, this struck me as unfair too!

@Eoooo And we'd been together for 10 yrs then, 19 now.

Mr @Eoooo please stop being a selfish dick. Support your wife and stop moaning about paying the fucking mortgage with your stressful job. You really have NO idea.

I can see both sides to this and I don't think either of you are wrong.
You've both got different needs, yours emotional and his physical.
You of course shouldn't feel pressured or do anything you don't want to do. But equally he is not wrong for wanting intimacy and the lack of this affecting him.
Can you both talk and compromise? Communication on both sides could really help here.

Honestly, I want a tropical island, Jason Momoa and a platinum Amex to escape my life stress. Shall I nag my DH? No… Why? Because my DH is a separate human being who has his own needs, feelings and stresses and oh, yeah… The other stuff isn’t real. Does your DP see you as a human or a blow up doll?

Do you still hug and kiss even if you aren't having sex?

@hotandspicy I never berated anyone. Just making the point that the op probably isn't living the life of riley at her husband's expense.

have some sex with your husband - lol you'll know about it when you're not getting any (aka me)....

Unfortunately it sounds very transactional which I can understand as it sounds like he goes on about how hard things are for him "paying the morgage" and your job is to relieve that with sex.

Manipulative, controlling and I can imagine with 4 children and an unwell parent you have a lot of stress as well.

His whining is unattractive and could well turn you off completely.

It is not nice to be with someone who is consumed by their own needs being met.

’complicated’ character. I know that one. You’re grieving as others have pointed out with Alzheimer’s it starts at diagnosis, and reading between the lines being confronted with other aspects of him that had softened with age or have become a fixation as his brain deteriorates can be really really tough.

this is the conversation you probably need to have with your DH especially if there’s similarities in behaviours between him and your father at the moment even if they’re not meant to be the same nor is the intent the same.

It’s the expectation and the demands despite not being comfortable that I’m sure is the hardest. It’s obviously blurring things for you in the midst of your grief and stress.

You’re right to say no at this point and 10 days without is nothing a hot shower and a good wank should suffice! You have 4 kids so that’s 4 times minimum he’s had to help himself. He can get through this too! Saying anything but no right this moment could be more detrimental as you clearly have some things to unpick. however, you do really need to talk with him as much as you can about this.

your DH needs to understand saying no to sex isn’t a rejection of him. It’s a rejection of expecting his needs to be met when you’ve barely got your own covered whilst dealing with eveyone else, he’s making himself as much a needy child as your kids and father and what you need is someone to help you hold it all together. He also needs to understand this is temporary.

What?! He holds the same keys, and no, seduction comes before sex, so it’s him that needs to put the effort in to make OP feel desired. Why on earth are you trying to suggest women should just surrender to sex they don’t want?

A few weeks?!? Is that usual for you both?

If you bother to read the thread properly you will see that the op clarifies that it's actually been about 10 days.

Tell him to get a hobby.

Why show him the thread?
Mumsnet isn't a universal voice for women.
We've recently had covid, his kids being annoying, and I've taken a promotion. So atm our lives are stressful and busy, and sex has slipped down the agenda (No sex for 4-5 weeks) . We've had a talk and agreed to a plan. We were meant to be ttc but with everything going on it's been taken off the table for now.
What couples do is fall back into a power struggle, it is this that erodes the marriage!

Except the op clearly feels shit.
There are no mental health benefits to "unwanted sex"

I appreciate this is an unasked for male perspective so of course feel free to tell me to fuck off. I do not think there is anything wrong having sex for the purposes of stress relief (for either party), however it is a huge problem if you are feeling used.

Sex can fulfil many functions: procreation, exercise, intimacy, stress relief, communication and even just as pleasurable act. Not all of those have to necessarily be hit at once for it to be worthwhile. Obviously nobody should be having any sex that they really don’t want, how you feel about it is crucial.

What would worry me is how much of how you feel about all of this is you aren’t communicating. If I was your husband I’d be horrified reading this thread, not actually because of anything you’ve said. That’s how you feel and you are entitled to that no question, just the simple fact you felt a preference to consult strangers on the internet before me.

I know how rough Alzheimer’s can be, my grandfather had it and I cared for him a spell before he had to go into a home. You have to tell him how much all of this is affecting you, quite aside from the sex issue. You seem to be at the early stages of uncoupling from one another, I’d get on that immediately and address is that really what you both want.

As unfair as hassling your wife into sex while she's dealing with her ill father?

She has told him but don't let that get in the way of your manly opinion.

Nothing is more unattractive than knowing if you don't have sex, then your partner will be grumpy and miserable with you. It's a doom loop.

I sent him a link to the thread but actually he hasn’t read it.

he had a zoom first thing and has now finished for the day because he’s got to travel for his work Christmas party. So I wasn’t distracting his ‘very important work stuff’.

I wanted him to read the thread because some times I don’t know if I’m mad or in fact ‘the bad guy.’ I wanted a witness I suppose and I’m uncomfortable about talking about our sexlife with friends as I do respect him and this feels private.

I’ve explained how I feel to him. But he’s now left for his work thing and he’s all upset. He admits he’s ‘let me down’ with my dad stuff. Ive begged him to stay in bed tomorrow and just have a rest.

it’s upsetting that he can’t think - ok let’s take a day off and woo me. Just book anything! It’s simply not the same if I also have to arrange that.

thanks everyone though it’s been useful to read all sides.

Could the family cope if he didn't have this job?

Sex is more of a risk for women.

Men are physically bigger so they are never going to get physically hurt, or physically pushed to do things they don't want to do in sex.

I think what men often don't realise is that if women are pushed to have sex they don't want to have, it can actually be really scary.

We are the Physically smaller people. The physically bigger people (men) need to see that pushing the smaller person into sex, can be very scary. I want the men on here to understand that.

I went back to a house party recently. Some male friends and female friends. Me and a male friend ended up in a room alone, kissing .

He began to ask me for sex. I said no, he didn't accept it and asked me several more times. For him, there is no fear in this experience.
I however, began to feel very afraid. I thought is he going to rape me?
He said to me " but you'll enjoy it".
I said no again.

I think there is a disconnect with men, where they don't see that this kind of experience, pushing for sex, is actually very very scary for the woman.