Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wanted sex to ‘escape’ his stressful job

226 replies

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:15

I’ve name changed but I’ve been on mumsnet for over a decade.

Re title- AIBU that this is a complete turn off for me? I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by. It’s true that he works really hard so we have a fairly nice life. I work PT. He’s a great dad etc etc

but I’m still depressed by what he said. I feel used. AND he’s desperate for sex still. But I just don’t feel like it.

Would love some different opinions.

tia

OP posts:
Hellno44 · 02/12/2022 11:22

It would turn me off. I think because it's all about him and not about me. He is trying to meet his needs only. It's nice to feel wanted and desired. Rather than a tool to pacify someone.

Greenfairydust · 02/12/2022 11:26

''@Luredbyapomegranate
”Right now, I would personally have sex pretty soon, because that will help open channels of communication. Once you do start talking more you can figure out how to make time for it more often.”''

Talking like mature adults opens the channels of communication. I find it bizarre how many posters seem to think it is OK to suggest a woman should force herself to have sex in the name of ''communication''...

Alcemeg · 02/12/2022 11:26

Sorry, I haven't RTFT, but I can completely relate to your original post.

I had this with DH#1 and found myself resenting it in the context of a relationship that was all about him getting his needs met (e.g. stress relief) at the expense of mine (e.g. sleep deprivation).

Also, call me old-fashioned, but I thought it would be nice if he did it more as a kind of appreciative/romantic gesture rather than routinely plugging into me as just another of the convenient services provided for his comfort and ease.

That was the overall "flavour" of our marriage, and it might not be yours, but if it is then I absolutely understand your predicament.

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 11:26

I’ve told him how I feel (in a nice supportive way). But he’s still upset/rejected because we’ve not had sex and I just don’t feel like it at the moment. I can’t understand that.

its good to get other perspectives because right now I feel / made to feel like the bad guy.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 02/12/2022 11:27

Right now, I would personally have sex pretty soon, because that will help open channels of communication. Once you do start talking more you can figure out how to make time for it more often.

Yes, this op. Have sex as soon as you possibly can, with your dh who has taken absolutely no account of your sadness over your df and your struggles around his deterioration/over-sexualised behaviour/going into a care home. Surely you can see that DHs need for sex outweighs your feelings??

I mean, what the actual fuck. 😯

Stompythedinosaur · 02/12/2022 11:28

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 11:12

It sounds like you need to start to talk to each other about what could be going better in your relationship and life, so you do have time for a bit of romance and fun, because situations like this do just tend to get worse.

If you are better at organising do a bit to get this to happen - and then once it's happening you can share that 50/50

Sex is a great stress reliever and its normal to sometimes just want that rather than a full on connection session - it doesn't mean you don't value your partner. The fact you are taking this so personally might indicate you are generally a bit down?

Right now, I would personally have sex pretty soon, because that will help open channels of communication. Once you do start talking more you can figure out how to make time for it more often.

I strongly disagree. No one should ever have sex that they don't want. Unless the op talks out of her vag, there are options to communicate other than reluctant forced sex.

I think the thing I find hardest about some of the replies to this post is, what sort of a man is happy to go ahead with having sex with their partner when their partner isn't enthusiastic? Isn't that a turn off for them? It should be.

Alcemeg · 02/12/2022 11:32

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:42

Thank you @Atethehalloweenchocs I think just some kind words like that would be nice from dh. However he’s ‘down’ from the lack of sex… 😩

... and this confirms, for me, that the real issue is his lack of concern/respect for your feelings. No wonder you feel used when it comes to sex to relieve his stress, regardless of how you might be feeling at the time.

Appalled at the "lie back and think of England" recommendations on here! 😂

Justdoit4 · 02/12/2022 11:33

You're not the bad guy but one of you is going to have to concede or it'll end up causing more resentment.

I don't think he's lying about the stress sex link, I'm female and sex for me is the absolute best stress reliever, nothing else comes close in helping me relax.

Do you think you would enjoy it once you're in the moment?

PurpleWisteria1 · 02/12/2022 11:36

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 09:52

No, I don’t think he would ever cheat… he would be the bad guy then and the bad dad.

I think because we’re both stressed it’s hard to communicate - you’re right @upfucked

So interestingly (surprisingly) the majority is to just have sex with dh?

There is nothing medical going on for me. Dh will be on top of the world afterwards...and be nicer in general. I just have to get over the ‘hump’. It’s not just that I felt used by his comment, it made him unattractive for me. I don’t want to have sex with someone I find unattractive.

i know 100% where you are coming from. It’s just a massive chore for me. I find it uncomfortable too (always have) but just used to get on with it as he loved it.
Now I just can’t bring myself to. Had kids and it was like after that any little desire to have sex just went.
I love my DH with all my heart and he’s an excellent father and husband but I sex is just such a chore. Wish I didn’t feel this way.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/12/2022 11:39

Justdoit4 · 02/12/2022 11:33

You're not the bad guy but one of you is going to have to concede or it'll end up causing more resentment.

I don't think he's lying about the stress sex link, I'm female and sex for me is the absolute best stress reliever, nothing else comes close in helping me relax.

Do you think you would enjoy it once you're in the moment?

Yes, one person will have to concede.

Either he gets to coerce an unwilling partner into sex (this is rape - sex should have enthusiastic consent). Or she gets to retain her rights of body autonomy.

Pretty clear who should concede imo.

HellsCominWithMe · 02/12/2022 11:42

Eoooo · 02/12/2022 11:19

actually it’s only really been the last few months @Luredbyapomegranate where we’ve had less sex than usual.

thank you to the poster who said I’m grieving. I don’t think dh thinks this. And I think I am grieving but also my dad has been becoming hyper sexual as a result of the Alzheimer’s (this is common) and I find this fairly gross obviously.

And everything is mixed up. I’m turned off in general perhaps.

to the poster who said what would I need to feel like having sex. A weekend a way probably, nice hotel, away from kids & depressing care homes.

I’m not sure this is possible unfortunately.

Gently, was your father hyper sexual when you were younger - I’m not saying abusing you, just in terms of making explicit jokes or leering at female friends etc that would make you uncomfortable - or is this just a very new Alzheimer’s only thing?

If it’s an Alzheimer’s only thing and to have your father being overtly sexual around you - gross at any time but especially hard as you know it’s not him- can be a hard thing to deal with even in the most respectful of parent/child relationships.

if it’s bringing things back up from childhood then that’s a different issue all together and really hope you can find some support with this as it can be incredibly hard to be confronted with childhood issues that resurface.

have you checked locally for carer support groups? As your fathers carer I really think you accessing carer support specifically around Alzheimer’s can be helpful. especially others who are dealing with similar issues to what you’re dealing with. Shared coping strategies or even women dealing with idiot DHs like yourself and the pressures of children can be really beneficial vents.

they may even be able to help your DH understand what you’re struggling with or at least give you the words and confidence to share it.

Lochjeda · 02/12/2022 11:43

Sounds like you have different love languages and maybe need to read up a bit more on it as it can help solve alot of conflict, miscommunication and feelings of rejection towards each other.

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/12/2022 11:43

One of the things I like most about sex is that you can totally loose yourself in it and use it as an escape from everyday life. If you don't feel the same then fine but no it wouldn't make me feel unwanted.

SafferUpNorth · 02/12/2022 11:45

OP, i totally get it as I often find myself having the exact same conversation with my DH.... when we're both super busy and stressed with work and I'm also having to juggle kids, household, life admin and everything else cos he's hopeless at that and been away for work.

I've also ended up totally put off sex and feeling like a slab of meat when he asks for sex because he wants a physical stress release, and then gets sulky when I decline.

I do think that, for men, it's a way of seeking that connection. But while they can get off from a standing start, so to speak, female sexuality is different - we need some emotional connection first. And quite often we're just totally worn out due to carrying the mental load. Feeling loved, 'seen' and appreciated is essential if we're to willingly have sex.

I've had to spell that out for him and demand that we have some time together just to reconnect after spending weeks passiing like ships in the night. A date night out, or even just a walk together or a night in front of the telly together, with a bottle of wine. Catch up, chat, laugh a bit together and then I might be in the mood....

AccioChocolate · 02/12/2022 11:46

Managinggenzoclock · 02/12/2022 09:18

I don’t think it’s meant to be offensive, isn’t he basically saying he wants to connect with you and forget about his troubles. Not really different to dreaming of the holiday you’ve booked when you get a stressy email. Maybe he worded it badly but I don’t think it’s an awful thing inherently.

Glass of wine, backrub and a promise of multiple orgasms.... Or a wee cry that Dave from accounts won't get off his back and he has to remember to bring doughnuts for the staff room.

Such a romantic way to connect.

jackstini · 02/12/2022 11:46

Is there a half measure though?
It's probably the release of coming that relieves the stress - but there are other ways to achieve that

Sometimes dh and I both want sex and both want to come, but not always
Sometimes I want sex, but not to come
Sometimes he just takes care of me, sometimes it's the other way round
A quick hand job in the morning can sometimes be a good start to the day!
Could that be an option?

It's horrible that you are both feeling rubbish and the longer you don't do something or talk about it, it will get worse

No hinting. Tell him straight you love him but that grief, tiredness and stress turns you off. You need some relaxation to get in the mood

HellsCominWithMe · 02/12/2022 11:46

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/12/2022 11:43

One of the things I like most about sex is that you can totally loose yourself in it and use it as an escape from everyday life. If you don't feel the same then fine but no it wouldn't make me feel unwanted.

Which is great but with 4 kids on the house I think any woman would struggle to really be in the moment.

I’ve got just one who won’t get lost when I need them to so I can have a good shag/rest/orgasm and it really stifles any enjoyment.

OP having 4 kids plus a husband almost demanding it it’s going to be really difficult and her suggestion of a weekend away highlights that. That she needs everyone to fuck off for a bit so she can recharge and feel anything other than a carer to her father and her children.

ChilomenaPunk · 02/12/2022 11:47

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 02/12/2022 11:06

I'm always astounded, at how many women don't want to have sex with their husbands. It's SO sad.

Whereas with all the princes among men who are regularly described on Mumsnet, I'm surprised any woman wants to have sex with any of them. Bloody hell, I'd rather join a convent.

WilsonMilson · 02/12/2022 11:50

Sometimes you have to make the effort to connect intimately, even if it’s not top of your list of things you want right at that moment.

Without intimacy, marriages can really struggle. I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable. I think you have to think of the bigger picture, the fact that you haven’t had sex in weeks makes it all the more reasonable that your DH wants to connect. I think you’re putting your marriage under unnecessary strain if you continue down this path.

Mooshamoo · 02/12/2022 11:52

What men forget is that the woman is much more vulnerable in sex than the man is. We are letting our bodies be penetrated. It's a big deal.
We have to be emotionally ready. If we give in when we don't want it, it can feel like rape.
My partner was like this last night. He wanted sex and when I didn't want it, he felt really hurt and rejected.
But I know if I gave in when I really didn't want it, I would feel terrible after.

The ultimate decision always lies with the person who says no. You need two years to have sex. If one person says no, theirs is the final answer

Mooshamoo · 02/12/2022 11:53

*you need two yeses to have sex

foggydaysun · 02/12/2022 11:55

He’s not great with empathy. I had to move my elderly father (alone) yesterday into a new care home as the old one was shutting down. He has Alzheimer’s. It was grim. AND he still tried last night to have sex with me after a day like that.

This is a whole different ball game. You were just absent to him weren’t you? Just a body to use.

Original poster
Eoooo · 02/12/2022 11:57

@HellsCominWithMe this is interesting. He was a complicated character before his rapid Alzheimer’s decline…

Still surprised at how many vote for ‘just have sex with dh’.

I’ve shown him this thread now as he’s wfh. He’s completely miserable.

OP posts:
WalkingOnTheCracks · 02/12/2022 11:58

Most people have sex for all sorts of reasons - to express love, to bond, just lust, to make up after a row, because they're angry or bored or lonely, for comfort, to relieve unrelated stress, to make babies, for no good reason at all really... Sex serves all sorts of emotional purposes.

And most people, it seems to me, have sex - at least sometimes - for most of those reasons. The problem comes when one partner doesn't do it for one of those reasons and the other does.

I figured this out because I don't want sex when, for instance, I'm cross or stressed. In fact, I seem to want it only when I'm feeling emotionally happy. My partner is more of the 'sex can solve anything' school of thought. Which, for her, it does.

Nothing wrong with that, but the mismatch can cause problems.

minipie · 02/12/2022 12:00

Fucking hell I cannot BELIEVE all the “you should just have sex” answers. Never mind the “careful he might look elsewhere” ones.

So the OP should have sex she doesn’t want for the sake of the relationship, when her DH can’t even be arsed to organise a date? Or to consider her awful day moving her dad? Or to say “I want sex because you’re gorgeous” rather than “I want sex for stress relief”?

Fuck that.