Dh wanted sex to ‘escape’ his stressful job

[Eoooo]

I’ve name changed but I’ve been on mumsnet for over a decade.

Re title- AIBU that this is a complete turn off for me? I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by. It’s true that he works really hard so we have a fairly nice life. I work PT. He’s a great dad etc etc

but I’m still depressed by what he said. I feel used. AND he’s desperate for sex still. But I just don’t feel like it.

Would love some different opinions.

tia

If you make yourself have sex when you don't want it, it can really affect you mentally.

I remember one time my ex kept pestering me for sex one night. I really didn't want to as I had a tummy ache. He was so persistent that I gave in to keep the peace. I felt like I had been raped after. It really affected me mentally for a long time.

You have to think seriously , how will this affect me mentally if I have sex when I don't want it.

He's right though.
Regular sex is beneficial for mental health; there are many studies on this.
A few weeks is making him sound not unreasonable,

Beneficial to both people that should have read,

I told him so but when he’s not had sex in a few weeks he’s so ‘down’/hard done by.

This is the bit that would annoy me as it would feel like I was being pressured into having sex I don't want. Having sex as a way to destress wouldn't bother me but that's because I know my partner and know that for him, sex is about an emotional and physical connection between the two of us. Neither of us will ever pressurise the other one into having sex. It has to be when we're both in the mood. I mean he's kind of lucky that I'm generally up for it whenever he is but then the reason I am is because he's kind and respectful.

So going on your first post OP I'd have mixed feelings about him but the more you post the more it seems he is seeing sex as a right for him, over and above what you might want. So within the context of your relationship I can see why you're put off and I think he needs to do more to establish a connection with you, before you then feel like having sex with him again.

Do you think you would feel used by your OH wanting sex if you didn't generally feel this down?

I think it's normal for couples in a committed relationship to want to have sex with each other for many different reasons, including stress relief.

However, it's also normal for someone who is feeling quite sad about something unconnected to the other person to just feel like everything is a massive turn off.

What could your OH do to make you feel more supported with everything that's going on with your father? You said he was terrible at date nights - is that something perhaps he can try to make more effort at?

I think you should agree to do something together to try to connect emotionally, keeping sex completely off the table for the time being so the pressure is gone, and you feel more open to engaging with reconnecting. The sex will follow when you're both in the right headspace for it.

To me, it sounds like you both are feeling upset/rejected because neither of you feel that your basic emotional needs (that physical need for stress relief is an emotional need too) are being met while various family and work pressures are swamping you. Maybe you should both read something like Ester Perel's 'Mating in Captivity at the same time. Read a chapter and talk. It should help you reconnect emotionally and that is going to help you reconnect physically.

I think I agree with you. Though it's obviously not only just what he said that is off putting to you, but possible lack of consideration for your own feelings?

Do you want a date and think that might help? You could arrange it yourself if that's something you want.

I know that feeling OP, of being viewed like a convenient orifice rather than him actually wanting YOU. It’s soul destroying. It’s also interesting that when a man gets a bit bored of sex, people will suggest the woman dresses up or does things to help put the spark back, bet it hasn’t even occurred to him to make the same kind of effort or do anything to make you feel wanted rather than just convenient.

Maybe some joint therapy could help? He needs to see that he has to put some effort in for you to want him, and that it’s not simply your duty to give him access to your body.

I suspect what's really beneficial for mental health is being in the kind of relationship where you both want sex with each other frequently. Having sex because you feel obliged to, because one person is doing a sad face, is unlikely to be a positive experience. People need to think more about cause and effect. It's not a case of have sex and you'll feel great. More a case that if you have a partner you love, you're more likely to want sex and get it, and then your mental health will be better.

Well women aren’t therapy aids for men, sorry.

Only if you both want it ffs! Unwanted sex is damaging.
I can’t believe this thread, has it been flagged up to a MRA site or something? 🤮

Yes, this. If you both want it, it's good for you. If at least one partner doesn't want it, it's soul-destroying.

Enthusiastic consent, folks. Enthusiastic consent.

Does the husband not count as helping co parent then. your making out the husband only works and demands sex but the dear wife is managing PT hours, an eldery parent and juggling four kids (I Assume some are at school so are not needing looking after during the day, the parent is in a home being cared for so again not exactly hands on care)

Im sure conversation will resolve this issue, having people on here berate the poor bloke for wanting sex with his wife isnt exactly helpful is it.. if he didnt ask her for sex he would be berated too so the guy cant win.

Of course a date would help. And perhaps him making me laugh! But he’s too stressed with work… however if we had sex he’d feel great and would be more inclined to take me on a date I expect. Vicious circle at the moment.
my top two love languages are time and ‘doing’ his are… no surprises here : ‘touch’ & ‘words of affirmation’ in that order.

@hotandspicy the only thing that’ll resolve the situation is if I give him a good shag.

we’ve been together 17 years…

Sorted..

So thats the end bit you know works, now get the date night, be dined, romanced a bit, have a laugh and a bit of fun before you get all frisky

date nights are hard to sort with kids (espec 4) to get them to sleep over at grandparents or if old enough sleepovers with friends so i get that, just have to try and work on time for you both for those nights to happen.

takes both of you to work on that bit.

remember hes not a mindreader, it sucks your dealing with your older parents declining health and im sure once thats in your husbands head he will(would hope) take that into consideration) but thats where the talking bit comes in.

good luck x

You need to sit down with him and discuss exactly this,help him understand. It helps too because it isn’t about you rejecting him.

It's not uncommon for different sex partners to have different love languages. However, it can lead to situations like this which, as you say, are a vicious circle.

Given you are not going to sleep with him anytime soon (and I imagine the asking is making you feel even less inclined to sleep with him), is there anything he could do to help reduce his stress that doesn't involve you? A lot of people find sport is a good way to get the endorphins pumping.

I think what you both need is for your OH to find an alternative way of managing his current stress levels that doesn't involve sex, and then for you both to work on your emotional connection.

It's going to take time to get you both to a happier place, and you both need to put in the work. On his part, he needs to manage his pent up stress with some alternative release. On your part, you need to consider how you can feel more supported with your dad - it could be as simple as spending more time with sympathetic friends to just rant about how unfair everything is. You both have work to do on yourselves before you can come back together and work on yourselves as a couple.

If you both still love each other, this is just a bump in the road. You'll get over it.

Why did you show him this thread while he's wfh?

I’m turned off by him at the moment though. By what he said.

and everything else that’s going on.

it’s all about him. his stressful job that pays the mortgage etc etc I’ve told him all this (in a nice way). He still has said nothing comforting about dealing with my dad yesterday because he’s too distracted with work. The work that ‘pays the mortgage’.

Dear Mr @Eoooo
The only way you're getting "a good shag" is to be a bit more understanding of your poor wife and the situation she has with her father. Not to mention the childcare and all the other Christmas shit going on.
Sulking makes you so very much less attractive so your chance of a shag before Easter...nah, that's gone too.
Merry Christmas
fancyacuppatea

I have to say as a woman I need sex and intimacy with my partner. We are both closer and rub along better when we make time for sex. It's really hard as we have 3 young DC with our 2 year old still in with us most of the night so it's definitely not easy.

That being said, I wouldn't be impressed with my DP saying it's other areas of his life affected by lack of sex with me. Focus should be solely on things between you and him surely?

@Eoooo Happy for you to share my message to your DH with him...someone has to tell him how it is.
💐🍫

I wouldn't want my husband to want sex for that reason either. Go buya stress reliever ball. Ugh

Oh god sorry I hadn't read the thread before posting and my post looks odd given the context.

Definitely do not have sex if you do not feel up for it OP. I thought this was more a case of life of busy working parents meaning you're in a bit of a ships in the night phase, not that you're actively not up for sex.