What should you not do as a girlfriend until you become a wife? Parameters?

[piddocktrumperiness]

Just that really- I was having a conversation with some friends; none of us are married but some are in relationships; some live together and some don't, and we got talking about what we won't do for our partner unless they committed and got married.

I quickly realised that the concept of gf and wife for me was a little more fluid, as I was married before and only really knew what being a wife meant, and now that I am in a relationship, albeit not married, my behaviour has not really changed that much. This got the debate going and not two ladies could really agree on what the parameters are.

It got me overthinking, as I do not want to be doing too much for someone and being taken advantage of, as I was in my marriage (ironically)

For context, I have been in a relationship with DP for 2 yrs, we don't live together. We have kids from previous relationships, and do not plan on having kids together.
Aside from the financial/security stuff of being married like buying a house or having kids, are there parameters? what are they?

I wanted to add that I am thinking of the day to day parameters- for example, the cooking, helping them pick out gifts for family, wrapping and decorating, help organising their home, planning, some admin , that kind of stuff- are there lines to draw?

I’ve been ‘wifing’ all wrong for the last 10 years… who knew. My poor DH, picking out all his own family Christmas gifts and wrapping them to boot! Better start cooking more often too 😂

So, no, you can’t provide examples of errands you regularly run for your girlfriend (which is what I asked)? Just stuff she regularly does for you?

If so, you’ve essentially made the opposite point to the one you set out to.

Wow. You seem EXACTLY like my ex wife. Keeping score.

The OP isn't about REGULAR errands and the examples I gave of things my gf has done for me are not regular. In the almost 2 years we've been together, she has picked up golf balls about twice (and trust me, I go through a lot of balls). So I'm really not sure why you want to know the things I regularly do.

As I said... I dont keep score and feel the need to remember all the things I do. Behaving in this way means that you're you're not really doing those things for your partner out of love, kindness amd respect. You're doing them so you have ammunition later on.

TBH you're kind of embarrassing yourself right now.

The point I'm trying to make and that you have quite clearly failed to understand, is that being in a good relationship involves working together as a team. "Keeping score", which is what you seem to do is incredibly unhealthy for a relationship.

You can’t think of anything you regularly do for your girlfriend and felt compelled to write multiple paragraphs justifying this. Sure, I’m the one embarrassing myself. 😂

You should have the same boundaries before and after marriage - getting married isn't a signal that your partner can now start acting like you're the admin/cook/cleaner/childminder.

If your bf isn't a fully functioning adult who can cook, clean, shop, do laundry, iron and keep track of his Mum's birthday... don't move in with him and don't marry him.

"Keeping score", which is what you seem to do is incredibly unhealthy for a relationship.

Keep score. It's the only way you'll notice if things are totally weighted to one person or the other. Keeping score - ie, checking in with each other to make sure no one is being taken advantage of - is a vital part of a healthy relationship.

See AINU thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4691424-mums-boyfriend-kicking-her-out-of-their-home-after-24-years

A wedding needn’t cost more than a meal out! Very little paperwork.

Sure. 😂