What should you not do as a girlfriend until you become a wife? Parameters?

[piddocktrumperiness]

Just that really- I was having a conversation with some friends; none of us are married but some are in relationships; some live together and some don't, and we got talking about what we won't do for our partner unless they committed and got married.

I quickly realised that the concept of gf and wife for me was a little more fluid, as I was married before and only really knew what being a wife meant, and now that I am in a relationship, albeit not married, my behaviour has not really changed that much. This got the debate going and not two ladies could really agree on what the parameters are.

It got me overthinking, as I do not want to be doing too much for someone and being taken advantage of, as I was in my marriage (ironically)

For context, I have been in a relationship with DP for 2 yrs, we don't live together. We have kids from previous relationships, and do not plan on having kids together.
Aside from the financial/security stuff of being married like buying a house or having kids, are there parameters? what are they?

Unless you are very well established in a career that pays well, I wouldn't have children until I was married. Too easy for them to get bored, fuck off and leave you penniless and homeless. Apart from that there is no real practical day to day difference between a committed long term relationship and a marriage.

I wanted to add that I am thinking of the day to day parameters- for example, the cooking, helping them pick out gifts for family, wrapping and decorating, help organising their home, planning, some admin , that kind of stuff- are there lines to draw?

@Namora I absolutely agree with that

I have no idea, I think this is a class thing to be honest. None of my friends are married, some of us are homeowners. I think there are a lot of people who don't see the point of a big wedding if nothing will change day to day and the money from a wedding could be spent on a deposit.
Most people I know now get married post children and house as a nice little celebration of what they've made it through. I do have posher relatives who think you should get married but even they're changing their minds.

Agreed, never have a child until married. Also if you do have an child before marriage give it to your surname. Don't send cards to his family, leave that to him to sort out. Same with gifting. Don't make him appointments either. He can make his own.

This together with combining finances.

@caringcarer What about Christmas card to his parents from me though? and joint gift for them? Or do you mean sending to the wider family, because no I won't do that

This is such a strange question, surely it depends on your relationship not whether you’re married or not?
for example - I’ve been married nearly 20 years. I do gifts for DH’s family because I know them well and I’m good at choosing.

I do not book appointments for DH because he’s perfectly capable of doing that for himself and he’s a grown up!

he does most of the cooking because he enjoys it and he’s better at it.

none of this has anything to do with the fact that we’re married, if we had been together for that length of time and weren’t married none of this would be different - however there is no way I would have been with him all this time, had 2 DC and not got married.

It' all very interesting because when I was talking about all this it felt like you take on more as wife which baffles me. One of my friends said she wouldn't pick up after him or do his dishes, run some of his errands as a gf and I thought "surely you would not and should not be wanting to do that as a wife either?"

For me it's the legal and financial stuff that matters the most and probably how much I spend on the relationship whether it is us or his kids/family. I am a bit cautious and mindful about going all out like that as I did years ago.

Does "wife" = personal assistant/ executive assistant?or are you equal? Decide between you . No need for either of you to become servant to the other

There isn’t much difference unless you have children, married or not, when there are kids you tolerate a lot of low level crap because it better for the children.
Most men don’t change, the toys just get bigger.

Agree with pp about it depending on the relationship. I've been with DP more than 20 years and I don't think our relationship is much different to friends who are married and those that aren't.

The things I choose to do or not do are more about our relationship and values rather than marriage for example kids have my last name but they would if we were married and I wouldn't ever take a man's name. In terms of not being taken advantage of although I don't do things for DP to get things back, if he wasn't pulling his weight I'd be having a word. I think not being married in a way means we don't fully take each other for granted, which probably has its pros and cons

I'm getting married next month and for me there's nothing I'd do as a wife that I don't already do. We bought a house together after 6 months and have had joint finances since so nothing will change financially either.

If you're worried about being taken advantage of then you're in the wrong relationship and just because you're married doesnt mean you won't be taken advantage of.

I get not doing certain things until you're in an established relationship but surely you'd be in an established relationship to consider marriage so I can't see why a wedding would change your behaviour.

I would do none of those things as a gf- assuming you mean not living together. And I would not take responsibility for any of those things as a live-in partner or a wife either! I'm a wife not a husband-organiser. Some would be solely his - his family present for example. Some would be joint - cooking and decorating (unless it's Xmas day and he's invited his family. Then he does it ALL!)

And if a bf was incapable of taking responsibility for his day to day chores and admin himself, or expected me to be, he won't be a bf very long, let alone a husband.

Apart from wearing a ring, there’s nothing I do differently as a wife that I did not do as a girlfriend. Obviously I’m talking about a serious relationship here, we bought a house together before marriage. I didn’t suddenly turn into a Stepford Wife on signing the register!

Don’t have a kid if it puts you in a disadvantaged position. If you choose to stop working with kids ensure pension contributions are made on your behalf and you have equal access to all your assets etc.

DH does gifts etc for his own family (DH never expected me to so it’s not come up) think I’ve made one dentists appointment for him in ten years (I don’t mind doing it he just doesn’t ask me to). I cook more as SAHM (pension contributions sorted, name on everything, significant savings in accounts solely in my name etc etc) but he does weekends.

tbh not much changed except when we had a baby so I do more cooking because I’m at home but DH is doing weekends we have a cleaner.I don’t think “wife” should be like a job. Love him to bits I’m not his secretary.

I don’t know why people think they have to pick up extra for being a wife, seems mad to me.

I think there might be an unhealthy narrative going on in some corners. I’ve heard things like “you shouldn’t do x y z unless he puts a ring on your finger”
admittedly this was said by my younger friends (early and mid 20’s)

What is xyz? You know I’m increasingly grateful for being born when I was, feel like feminism is going backwards amongst the young sometimes.

I personally wouldn’t have a child or go part time before getting married. I know too many people who have been part time for years raising children with a man who has just upped and left and because they weren’t married, things got very complicated for them.

I wouldn’t (plan) to have a baby with a man who hadn’t given me the commitment of marriage.

A common reason for marriage vs cohabitation in my friendship group was visas... as in they want to work and live abroad and a couple visa was easier than them both securing the required jobs straight away,or housing if supplied by employer.

The major thing I wouldn't do pre marriage is pay for improvements on a house owned solely by the other person. I would pay "rent" towards mortgage.

I wouldn't have a child, buy a house, combine finances, pay off each others debts etc.
I do buy christmas presents for the in laws, because I like them and have known them over 10 years now! DH buys presents for my side too!
I don't make him appointments unless it's something I'm doing too!

Had child many years after marriage and she still got my name. (Wouldn’t ever have changed my name.). Amazed so many women still follow this utterly sexist tradition to be honest.

Agree re so called “wifework”. Haven’t ever done it.

I’d say keep finances separate and no PA jobs. So he has to buy presents for his family etc. No making sacrifices either

Your posts are a bit sad really op, the fact some women think they should be picking up after their husbands and doing all their life admin just because he married you. Sounds a bit pathetic

I would never have bought a house, had children or joint finances with dh before we were married. If we had, unexpectedly, had children, they'd have had my name not his

But apart from that nothing much changed. I don't buy gifts/cards for his family but if I see something I think one of them might like I'll mention it to him. Tbh dh probably took on more after we got married. We lived in my property, entirely in my name so I used to sort out all utilities/insurance etc. Now we own our house together he's taken on some of those tasks as it's now his house too. If we'd lived in his house I'd never have gotten involved in the house admin stuff.