What should you not do as a girlfriend until you become a wife? Parameters?

[piddocktrumperiness]

Just that really- I was having a conversation with some friends; none of us are married but some are in relationships; some live together and some don't, and we got talking about what we won't do for our partner unless they committed and got married.

I quickly realised that the concept of gf and wife for me was a little more fluid, as I was married before and only really knew what being a wife meant, and now that I am in a relationship, albeit not married, my behaviour has not really changed that much. This got the debate going and not two ladies could really agree on what the parameters are.

It got me overthinking, as I do not want to be doing too much for someone and being taken advantage of, as I was in my marriage (ironically)

For context, I have been in a relationship with DP for 2 yrs, we don't live together. We have kids from previous relationships, and do not plan on having kids together.
Aside from the financial/security stuff of being married like buying a house or having kids, are there parameters? what are they?

I do help decorate his tree because I love decorating and he hates it- plus I was a window dresser and it’s an eyesore otherwise😂.

This makes no sense to me at all, nothing was different after we married other than we had lovely memories of the wedding, felt even tighter and connected, did some paperwork to change my name. Why would there be any other parameters, what does it even mean?? Do you mean a 'husband' is obliged to do something a partner wasn't, and ditto a 'wife'?

I've been married for 30 years.

In a new relationship whether marriage or co-habiting, I'd never ever pick up their mental load. I'd only ever carry and deal with my own. Lesson learned the hard way.

Children was the line for me. We have been together 10 years, own a house together, both have good well-paying jobs. We have separate finances, and both see our home as a shared investment. We travelled the world, did some amazing things and were both very happy, but I made it absolutely clear I wouldn't be having children until we were married.

We got married and I'm due the week before my wedding anniversary. Happened a little bit faster than expected at my age! But still delighted

Obviously marriage is import for the legal side etc but for me once we lived together and had built a home together we were a team, if he needed a gift picking up for his mum I’d do it or if I needed some clothes washing as he was home he’d do it. I feel like a lot of people are very much a me vs him. We lived together for 8 years before we got married, and had a child together after 6 years. Nothing has changed since we got married. We were already a team before that.

What is your partner/husband supposed to do differently once he graduates from being a bf to a husband? If you answer that question, you might get some insight here. DH and I were together in our 20s for about 7 years before we got married and we always knew we wanted to. He did everything he was doing before- housework, life admin etc even after we got married. When we had a baby, in the first few months I just fed, and he did frankly everything else. He still does a giant share of the housework (cleaning and laundry especially and all the kids' life and school admin including school and doctors- I do the cooking and share the kids' care obviously) and holds down a job that earns a lot more than I do. Neither of us see how much we earn as a reflection of how much housework we should do....(I know people who work 3 jobs and more hours than I do and earn a lot less...). So when we were dating, I did stuff organically for DH because he also organically did stuff for me. If I needed help I would ask, and vice versa. I wasn't his secretary or his mom and I'm still not!

No cooking, no cleaning, no BJs, take as much cash as you can, no admin, no seeing his mates, no sharing TV, no making breakfasts, never pay for anything.

That covers most things I think.

Anal sex.

Just kidding, I've been married years and don't do anal.

Don't send cards to his family, leave that to him to sort out. Same with gifting. Don't make him appointments either. He can make his own.

That's the same whether you're married or not surely? I'm not his mother.

For me there is no difference as I don't have children, and am in a very strong financial position.

I've been with someone coming up to 4 years, we don't live together, and I don't do any of that. He's very capable, and doesn't need me too, and I'm the same.

My exH treated me a bit like a housekeeper/cleaner/PA that he could have sex with, so I'm not going back to that. Although I realise there is a middle ground 😂

I'm late twenties and I've heard this for years!

People say don't do "wife work" on a girlfriend wage - basically if he doesn't want to put a ring on it and be serious about the relationship, why should you be putting in the effort to give him "wife benefits" - things like laundry, sorting family responsibilities, life admin etc it seems to be anything that is above just spending time together and going on dates.

It's the backlash to toxic masculinity - where men are on social media have been saying "don't wife her up if she doesn't make you dinners" "don't wife her up if she doesn't clean your house" "she's not wife material if she doesn't sort your responsibilities out" and all of those sorts of posts, it's the opposite side of don't do everything for a man who's not willing to make you a wife and give you everything from his side.

Personally I think both sides are being a bit silly - the only things that changed when I got married was how names were signed on cards and how invited were addressed! How we do things for each other or treat each other is the same 😊

Same here - got married this April after 10 years together. Nothing has changed! We already owned a flat together. We're both functioning adults, I'm not his carer.

Jesus Christ.

Is this really what young people are saying about each other?

I despair. I can't even be bothered to pick it apart, it's so awful. I just despair.

Personally for those type of things I think whether you live together or not is much more of a factor than whether you're married.

With the exception of cooking the odd meal I wouldn't do a single thing on that list for someone I didn't live with. Even then that would only be on the basis that it was an equal split and he done similar for me.

I say this as a divorced mum with a partner I don't currently live with so I've experienced both sides too

The things you mention are nothing to do with being married or not - they're just tasks that you work out whether you're happy doing in a relationship. Being married has no bearing on whether you should decorate the tree, send his parents cards. They're what works for you as a couple.

Tbh I feel bringing the debate down to really quite petty tasks diminishes the importance for many women of being married, which is financial security, not whether you buy his mum a tea towel.

This reminds me of a friend who was keeping her Anal virginity until her wedding night 🤣🤣🤣

I find the concept of insisting on marriage before having children bafflingly old fashioned. Is it purely for financial reasons, to legally ensure you get half of everything in the event of a divorce so you can afford to raise the kids as a lone parent?

As a gf me and him lived completely separate lives and seen each other 4 nights of the week, Finances where separate. He bought his family gifts ( I would send one from me only) , Made own appointments etc. Now we are married we share Finances and make each other aware of plans with good notice but I believe he's a grown man and can make dinner, Tidy up, plan outings and he still sorts his family gifts. We did not live together before we got married but that was purely down to saving for a house

Another one here finding this an odd question. Being married makes a difference to one's financial position (could be positive or negative) so should be considered in that context. Also personally I wouldn't have a child outside marriage. As for all the rest of it- marriage makes not a scrap of difference. Being married doesn't mean you suddenly become your husband's social secretary/dogsbody/admin assistant. We do split tasks between us (I do cards and presents, say; he does the garden) but that's for convenience and what suits us both- nothing to do with being married.

The whole idea that you shouldn't do xyz without a ring on your finger sounds like something from the 1950s.

Yes.
It protects the children financially. Not sure why it seems surprising to you.

I wouldn’t have children before marriage if possible and also I would not depend upon him financially.

To those saying scornfully that they don’t do “wifework” - as if there’s something wrong with “wifework” - I’ll assume that you will be contributing financially to the marriage and not depending on your OH finances. Or would you expect him to hand over half of his earnings but also do half of all the housework too in his free time?

Marriage for me is about becoming a unit. We do what is best for the family as a whole. If he had a chance to work in the US as his wife I might say sure, we will all go, I will put what I do on hold for the sake of us all. As a partner I would say "sorry, can't go there, can't risk giving up my security".

I think for me it's not I wouldn't do things, but it's about the expectation. If your live separately you should be responsible for your house, admin and cleaning and he should be responsible for his. Each arranging their own appointments. Doing an equal amount for each other, putting in effort eg cooking. I would pick things up/ do things as a favour but would not want to be expected to do things. Its difficult when you move in together as ideally you'd both bring the same to the table but life doesn't always work like that so maybe paying a percentage of earnings into bills accounts. I wouldn't expect step parenting to come into it properly until you're married. Presents I would add partners names on once they feel settled into the family. I wouldn't have DC until married as previous posters say.

I don't really get what being married or not has to do with any of this.

I'm in a decade-long relationship but not married (by choice) and I don't take the lead on any of DP's admin because it's his job.

It's not a hard and fast line and we don't keep score though - when you've lived with someone for eight years of course you pitch in with wrapping whoever's presents, offer opinions on things etc, that's just normal life. And we both plan ahead, albeit chaotically.

If you enjoy decorating, go for it!

Christ, I 100% get pushing back on toxic masculinity but a relationship shouldn't be a power struggle. If you think in these terms about your partner JUST BE SINGLE FFS.

I didn’t/wouldn’t live with a man unless married. No children and nothing that constitutes housework either.

It has served me well - all three serious boyfriends I’ve had, wanted to get married to move the relationship forward.