What should you not do as a girlfriend until you become a wife? Parameters?

[piddocktrumperiness]

Just that really- I was having a conversation with some friends; none of us are married but some are in relationships; some live together and some don't, and we got talking about what we won't do for our partner unless they committed and got married.

I quickly realised that the concept of gf and wife for me was a little more fluid, as I was married before and only really knew what being a wife meant, and now that I am in a relationship, albeit not married, my behaviour has not really changed that much. This got the debate going and not two ladies could really agree on what the parameters are.

It got me overthinking, as I do not want to be doing too much for someone and being taken advantage of, as I was in my marriage (ironically)

For context, I have been in a relationship with DP for 2 yrs, we don't live together. We have kids from previous relationships, and do not plan on having kids together.
Aside from the financial/security stuff of being married like buying a house or having kids, are there parameters? what are they?

You are aware that most women work, right? This isn’t new information to you?

The only thing that’s different in this house is that he changed from being boyfriend to fiancé to husband 🤔 I find this all a bit baffling tbh! Are you supposed to become his personal assistant when you become the “wife”? 🙈

I cook, clean, look after the children, take them to groups/clubs/parties/play dates, deal with bills/admin, make appointments for DH/me/DCs, buy gifts for his family and mine, do the food shopping...but so does DH 🤷🏻‍♀️
We both work and we both do what else needs done whenever it needs done - we’re a family and have a joint household. Nothing in our house is one persons responsibility really.

My boyfriend comes to mine and cooks quite often because he enjoys it and I work longer hours than he does. I can't envisage that changing if we married.

Surely you marry based upon the relationship you already have with the intention of it continuing as it is?

I don't understand the question. Are (some of) your friends saying that if someone marries them they would be happy to run around looking after that person? As if being a wife means being a servant?

In any relationship, married or otherwise, surely you should be asbolute equals. Both put the same amount of effort in to making the relationship work and keeping the home / family life going.

Being a wife shouldn't mean suddenly becoming someone's housekeeper and admin assistant.

The only things I wouldn’t do before being married is have kids and fully combine finances, nothing else changed. I don’t see how me being a wife means I have do any more for my spouse than before we got married?

Christ, this idea of how much of a skivvy should you be until married is crazy. Do men suddenly start buying their in-laws gifts and cards when they get married, or is it a one way street? Marriage for that kind of thing is irrelevant.

To me the only things I wouldn’t do before marriage is completely merge finances and have children. I won’t skivvy for a man, married or not.

When I was married the only things I did differently were related to the children for whom I did everything but he always did his own washing/made appointments etc bought cards for his family and sent them from both /all of us.
He never cooked a thing in his life and when the kids left home I stopped cooking anyway.
I insisted on marriage before having kids -and have seen on here many issues with people having kids/giving up work and being left with nothing.
H and I are now divorcing -he is trying to shaft me on finances. If we had not been married I would be in a dire situation.
Marriage is not ‘just a piece of paper’ if you have joint kids.

I can't think of anything other than not referring to yourselves as husband and wife. I do have a friend who insists on being referred to has '[her partner's name's] wife' and calls him her 'husband'. They aren't married as he won't marry her. They've had not one, not two, but three (!!) commitment ceremonies. First one was just a do in the garden and they exchanged rings and said some nice things. Second one was more 'wedding like' in a church, but still quite casual. Third one was full one wedding (white dress, flowers, wedding breakfast and dancing after). I think it's weird and a bit sad, but to each their own.

That said, I have been married for 12 years. I'm not sure we do anything different as married people other than deal with more joint financial and legal things together, but maybe this comes more with owning a house. I don't do his washing. I don't organise family gifts or send cards. Actually I usually don't even know what he's bought his family until someone messaged me to say 'thanks for the new whatever'. I do do the food shopping and cooking, but that's purely a preference thing, because I'm quite uptight about having nice food and I'm the better cook. If I happen to be out and dh asks if I could stop and pick up x, I would if I could, but I think that's just what people do for each other. I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to run an errand just because we are legally bound by law.

Been married years and I don't do that!

For me though, the answer is, nothing that means my income is going to take a hit without the protection of a marriage contract. If you're going to do more housework, like on mat leave or if you go part time or whatever, the condition for that should be access to all the money.

Protect yourself at all costs financially in the past it did almost always mean and still often does that when children come along women often take a career break or go PT, pension loss, skills depreciation etc so marriage made perfect sense.

I have known three couples where the women have out earned the men by large amounts. It’s a societal shift that will start to occur more and more. I earned far more than my ex BF. Two were past child bearing years and they would have been better off not marrying.

I'd never take on a joint tenancy with somebody I wasn't married to - I've had relationships end where it went something like this;

'Well, you can fuck off, as I'm staying here whether you like it or not and you can sleep on the kitchen floor by the bin like the council trash whore you are'

OK, I'll call the police then.

'You fucking bitch. I'll make you sorry, I'm going to put you out on the street - you'll be hearing from my 'friend's' Dad - he's a barrister and he'll do anything I want'

Yeah, good luck with that. (picked up phone, got to 99 as he skulked out)

'blah..blah...blah...You can't make me leave, I live here, I have common law rights' (I have no way of conveying just how much he stunk of lager, could hardly stand up and the level of contempt for him that I felt at that moment)

No, you don't live here. You never did, you just refused to go home.

(big dramatic, faked suicide 'attempt' a few weeks later when he'd decided he was moving in officially and turned up with all his shit in his car, thinking I'd be so distraught, I'd immediately make him a joint tenant to keep him alive, as he put it)

If you're going to try pulling that shit, you can fucking well go and do it where I won't have to clean any of the mess up (sound of 14 stone being physically hurled out of the front door - slam).

Take on a joint credit credit agreement.

Take out a loan for something the other person wanted or to clear their personal debts.

Name as a beneficiary on Insurance policies or pension/death in service benefits.

It all sounds a bit joyless. You never did anything at all for him, just because? You stopped cooking for him when the DC left? No wonder you’re divorcing!

You both work though.
Are you so naive as not to see why women who don’t work need to protect themselves financially? And in return, if the DH is supporting them financially, the woman agrees to do the bulk at home. But she should not to do so before marriage, ie confirmed financial protection for her and the DC.
If all women worked and had equal salaries to their DH marriage wouldn’t be necessary. But many women, for financial or other reasons, choose to stay at home. This is fine as long as the DH is happy to be the sole earner and there is a contract in place that everyone agrees upon. (This contract is called Marriage).

Does "wife" = personal assistant/ executive assistant?or are you equal? Decide between you . No need for either of you to become servant to the other.

This.
We've been married 9 years and we share childcare and household chores but I've never bought or organised cards or gifts for his family (and vice versa) or done any of his admin ( appointments, insurance etc) be use as an adult he's perfectly capable of doing these things himself.

I’m not seeing where he did anything for her (and she at least cooked until the kids left), but you’re not picking on that as a reason why they’re divorcing. That’s interesting.

Buying property, any serious intermingling of finances, having a child.

I have no problem with getting close to family prior to marriage. Dividing up household tasks is also perfectly acceptable. There is nothing wrong with doing a serious boyfriends laundry if it happens to be a task he hates and you don’t mind as much as long as in exchange he is doing something Like washing the dishes because you find that task miserable.

I’m from the highly educated, higher earning demographic that still seems to do things in the traditional order despite the fact that we tend to be liberal and non-religious. It allows us to produce generation after generation of children who can follow in our footsteps so it’s a formula that works well, hence my rules for marriage.

How do people like your friend manage the normal tasks we all have to do whether we live alone or with a husband-boyfriend.
I think some people do have unusual contentious views of behaviour in relationships. No wonder relationships lack longevity.
If people don't want the hassle of life's unavoidable responsibilities maybe live apart.

Your plate my plate, your cup, my cup.😂😂🫣
The other thread about farting is similarly batshit. Imagine writing on the acknowledgement of service, smelly farts and forgot to wash his cup. No wonder men don't want to commit.

@Thereisnolight I’m not naive to that at all! I completely agree with you! Its hugely important to protect yourself financially. The OP specifically said ”Aside from the financial/security stuff of being married like buying a house or having kids, are there parameters? what are they?” 😊
I actually do work less hours than DH, and he works abroad for weeks at a time so we don’t have a straight forward ‘2 FT working parents’ arrangement. I do more house stuff, more childcare etc and he contributes far more financially. Regardless though, he still has days off and if there’s house stuff that needs done while he’s off and I’m at work then he does it all. It wouldn’t ever be left for me because that’s pet of my contribution in place of me earning as much!

What are you doing for him now?

I"ve been married twice and had several non romantic male roommates. I'd never live with another man.

I think it's a real shame that so many on here are saying things like I won't run errands for him, I won't buy presents for his family" etc. Thank god my GF is not like that. It doesn't matter if you're bf-gf or husband-wife, you're a team and you're supposed to work together as team. Running errands for your partner isn't somehow eroding your identity, misogynistic or treating you like a PA. It's helping the person you love when they need you. My GF has no issue with picking up a set of golf balls, medicine, bin liners, present for my mum etc, etc for me on her way home from work and I have no problem doing anything she needs me to do whenever she asks for it.

If you can't/don't want to help your partner with the small things in life, then you're not likely to help them when they really need you (severe illness, bereavement, loss of limb).

Well this threads a bit depressing.

Essentially what people are talking about is "the mental load" but why would you pick that up just because you're married?

It should be equal all the time, married or not.

Your posts are a bit sad really op, the fact some women think they should be picking up after their husbands and doing all their life admin just because he married you. Sounds a bit pathetic

This nails it.

I agree.

If you want financial security post children build it fit yourself first, marriage shouldn't need to be a factor.

What this poster said !

I'm intrigued that you feel like you have to 'draw lines' in your relationship about not helping with certain things untill you are married.

Is that because it gives you some kind of power over them? Like 'Commit to me and then I will help with X'? So they unlock certaim aspects of you once they marry you, like levelling up or something?

To me that sounds pretty unpleasant and actually like you may not be in a very good relationship if you feel the need to do that.

Personally I have never felt the need to do that in any relationship and if I did, I would not stay with the guy for long. Relationships are about balance and equality.

I agree that having kids but not being married leaves you potentially in the shit. I think when married finances should be shared, I know a lot of women who as girlfriends they pay ‘50:50’ but then continue when they’re married despite the context changing eg they earn less but contribute the same amount as DH, they ‘aren’t allowed’ an ‘excessive’ amount of time off etc. x