What should you not do as a girlfriend until you become a wife? Parameters?

[piddocktrumperiness]

Just that really- I was having a conversation with some friends; none of us are married but some are in relationships; some live together and some don't, and we got talking about what we won't do for our partner unless they committed and got married.

I quickly realised that the concept of gf and wife for me was a little more fluid, as I was married before and only really knew what being a wife meant, and now that I am in a relationship, albeit not married, my behaviour has not really changed that much. This got the debate going and not two ladies could really agree on what the parameters are.

It got me overthinking, as I do not want to be doing too much for someone and being taken advantage of, as I was in my marriage (ironically)

For context, I have been in a relationship with DP for 2 yrs, we don't live together. We have kids from previous relationships, and do not plan on having kids together.
Aside from the financial/security stuff of being married like buying a house or having kids, are there parameters? what are they?

Competely sgree about the no children.

Marriage is not an expensive party; it is a legal commitment, and can be done cheaply and without fuss in a registry office. The 'wasting money on a big wedding' excuse is a complete red herring.

The problem is it becomes very lopsided.

@rippleraspberry I don't currently draw the lines as I can't see where the line would be- which is why the debate started amongst friends. Listening to my friends go back and forth over what they would and would not do got me thinking of whether I was doing too much or not. So hearing that people do have a boundaries or limits is all very intriguing :)

Heavily disagree.

Having transparency and joint finances first, so you can learn about this person before you marry them or have kids.

Keep your own bank accounts for personal spending, but have one joint for joint expenses. Talk about your savings, investments, etc.

I can't believe some people don't know their partners salary or spending habits, sometimes even after marriage and DC!

You're a team yet examples you give are.your GF doing things for you, nothing you do for her.

Exactly why there should be some boundaries.

BJ ? Asking for a friend.

I have never sent my boyfriends parents my own card, he included me on his card and present.

I include him on Xmas and birthday cards to my parents but not happy fathers or Mother's Day. As they aren't his parents and my cards tend to say "you are the best mum/dad" rather than a generic happy Mother's Day.

Been living together 12 years and nothing will change when married (bar legally)
But we have no kids so it's a bit different, neither financially support the other either really.

My point is that if you're actually in a good relationship then you don't need to do this type of thing because there's mutual respect and love.

It's sad that people feel the need to do this and says something about the quality of their relationships.

My GF has no issue with picking up a set of golf balls, medicine, bin liners, present for my mum etc, etc for me on her way home from work and I have no problem doing anything she needs me to do whenever she asks for it.

Are there errands you regularly run for your girlfriend? Not, for both of you or your household, but specifically for her? If so, are you able to name some of them? As I note your comment includes specific examples of errands she runs for you, but not the reverse.

You are missing the point.

A big wedding has nothing to do with it, getting married is a contract that protects women and children financially.

Your ‘posher’ relatives value this because they are good at holding onto their money, not because they are particularly keen on confetti.

testing out how you will divide up life’s little chores and how you will split the mental load before marriage is ideal. That way you don’t end up married to someone who won’t wash a dish or who can’t be bothered to remember his own mothers birthday. A bit of teaming on those tasks gives you an idea of how well you will do at sharing them.

If instead, your definition of marriage is one person simply doing more and one person doing less, then you aren’t really prepared for a modern marriage. The split of each is individual task doesn’t need to be 50-50, but on the whole the two people should be a team and helping one another. It’s a divide and conquer approach that should make life easier for both of you.

Why reverse the post? This thread is about what we as women will or won't do.
Personally, Dp and I do not have any problems doing acts of service for one another. Neither do we dream up imaginary barriers to fool the other or use them as a tool of manipulation.

Did someone appoint you thread monitor? Was there a vote?

I’m not ‘reversing the post’, I’m asking @bfc1980 specifically a question based on their comment. What part of that has confused you?

Quite obviously nothing has confused me otherwise I wouldn't ask you why you needed to reverse the situation.

Careful you might stress your mental load.😂

If you think I ‘reversed the question’ by asking another poster for clarification on a point they made, then god help your mental load.

I've been with my partner 12 years. We are not married. But we are a couple in a partnership. I don't see what difference having said "I do" makes to any parameters. For me there is no difference between my behaviour as a putative wife and a long term partner.

@Miajk Why would I list all the things I do for her? I wrote that I do anything and everything she asks of me (except eat tomatoes). That should simply be enough for you. I shouldn't have to list everything.

Doing that just screams "look at me and how wonderful I am" and I'm not in need of that kind of validation.
I don't even look at and make a mental list of the things I do and think about how great I am. I do them just because. I do however look at the things she does for me and I am grateful for them.
What I do is completely irrelevant to the original post anyway as it is about "things you would do as a wife but wouldn't as a gf". It has nothing to do with what husbands and bfs do.

@Tsort see my reply above.
But if you are so in need of an example, here's a recent one. We ran a 10k race together on Sunday, so on Saturday I went to pick up her race kit and bib number for her as she was working at the time. It's a tiny, insignificant thing to do for someone and I stand by what I said before, "if you can't do the the small things for the person you love, how can you do the big things when they really, desperately need you?"

This is all just weird. We’re not married but we’ve been together for years and have 2 children. My partner is a fully functioning adult and has always behaved like one. We’ll do anything for each other but I’m certainly not the default present buyer, his cook or admin assistant. I think he’d feel like I was treating him like a child if I did it and would think I’d lost the plot. He would genuinely hate it. He takes responsibility just like I do.

So the minute a man gets married he loses all ability to buy presents for his own family, wash his pants, or remember how to phone the GP. What dark sorcery is a marriage ceremony!

I’m not married but have a DP with whom I’ve got a mortgage and DC; I came to the relationship with waaaaay more money than him and not being married ringfences my equity etc, and we earn similarly. I’d marry him for tax inheritance planning purposes I suppose. But it wouldn’t change what we do for each other. Certainly would never occur to me to remember his family’s birthdays or any of that crap.

I think there’s a change between being a girlfriend and being a live-in relationship but it runs both ways and has far more to do with common sense and combining households and tasks than it does “graduating to the next level”: now we live together and it’s more serious, I’ll wash his kecks! It’s more like: now we live together it makes sense to combine laundry, whichever one of us does it. (In our case, he does it.)

I'm pretty sure I never did anything different after marriage to what I did (or didn't) do beforehand. To me there is no difference between a committed relationship and marriage.

I'm traditional and wouldn't live with a guy, have a baby, buy a house or combine finances before marriage. Also waited until we were engaged to have sex. So a lot changed after getting the ring!

But I still have no involvement in his family gifts (or he in mine) post marriage. I would have done small errands as his girlfriend and organised holidays together though.

I wouldn't of had my kids unless I was married and I made that clear to my husband.

most sensible ones have been said already, BUT..

learning a language!!!!

I know a woman who was a five year girlfriend who invested A LOT of time and money (private lessons, not just Duolingo) to speak her boyfriend’s very niche home language so she could be part of the family. She had a bilingual Twitter feed and was very vocal about her language learning journey.

He never committed past a joint tenancy, brought her ‘home’ a grand total of ONCE, dumped her and was married to someone else and a dad to be within a year and a half.

The ex girlfriend is very bruised about the whole thing and wishes she had learned something useful…like mandarin or French instead for her own development instead of investing so much time into preparing herself for a future with him that wasn’t coming

Ummm none of the above? I’m not my husband’s live in help not was I when I was his girlfriend!