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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband wakes me up between 4-5 am and thinks it's reasonable

196 replies

Tiredbehyondbelief · 28/11/2022 09:14

Hi there, I would appreciate your opinion. I work full-time as a NHS midwife on the labour ward. I work full-time and my commute is 1.5 hours each way. I work 12.5 hours shifts with 1 hour break. Sometimes I have to work for 8 hours before getting my break, sometimes I get no break at all. If I am lucky I would have a 10 mins tea break. On most shifts, it's just 1 hour break and that's it. So I am mostly working not stop, either from 07:30 am to 8 pm or from 7:30 pm to 08:00 the following morning. I love my job but it's also very stressful as women are in pain, partners are anxious etc. So my job is very demanding, physically, emotionally and mentally as I am responsible for the life of the mother and the baby. (It's upon me to spot any deviation from the normal and call a doctor if I suspect things are going wrong). My husband is on the other hand works in a DIY store 4 times a week 6 hours at a time. He is guaranteed to have 15 mins paid break in the middle of his shift. His commute is 5 mins as the store is round the corner. The job is fairly demanding and he has to lift heavy objects when a delivery comes in. Our biggest issue at home is my sleep. I am constantly exhausted as I am constantly swithcing between night and day shifts. Plus, if I have 2 shifts in a row, which happens a lot, I only manage 5-6 hours rest between shifts. My husband sometimes needs to get up at 4 am for his work. He keeps forgetting to take his staff downstairs the night before so that he keeps coming back into the bedroom until I am fully awake. Then I spend my morning and early afternoon walking like a zombie until I manage to doze off for 1 hour in the afternoon. My husband thinks I am placing unreasonable demands on him to remember to get everything he needs for work the night before. Your opinion on this matter would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Feef83 · 28/11/2022 18:33

barskits · 28/11/2022 18:27

The OP would still be working long shifts, and he would still be thoughtlessly and inconsiderately waking her up between 4 and 5 in the morning.

Show quote history

Agreed.
He is a twat

but I wonder how long this has been going on for

LavenderAndBluebells · 28/11/2022 18:38

Your husband is utterly selfish and I'd seriously consider moving into separate bedrooms if possible!

thenewduchessoflapland · 29/11/2022 00:43

If you have no children then why is he working part time?;is he a mature student?;does he do voluntarily work alongside his job?

CourtneeLuv · 29/11/2022 00:56

My husband thinks I am placing unreasonable demands on him to remember to get everything he needs for work the night before.

I'd leave him for this. Is he four?Confused

Ponderingwindow · 29/11/2022 00:58

If he truly can’t remember to sort everything in advance, then he needs to move all his belongings elsewhere in the house. then he will always be able to slip out of the room quickly and once.

SunflowerTed · 29/11/2022 04:33

i can’t believe how immature and selfish he is. Whet is more worrying is they this can’t be sorted through honest communication between the two of you!!!!

Ivyonafence · 29/11/2022 05:52

Fascinated to know what multiple things DH needs for work.

Clothes, wallet, keys, phone.... what else? Why on earth couldn't a competent adult have these things in the living room so they can slip out of bed and leave the room without waking their wife.

What a knob.

Feef83 · 29/11/2022 06:05

Ivyonafence · 29/11/2022 05:52

Fascinated to know what multiple things DH needs for work.

Clothes, wallet, keys, phone.... what else? Why on earth couldn't a competent adult have these things in the living room so they can slip out of bed and leave the room without waking their wife.

What a knob.

Someone who doesn’t give a toss about his wife. Likely be issue this is a marriage at the end of the road and either really give a hoot about the other. It’s the classic final stage of a marriage, when you’ve gone beyond trying to make it work or even caring - you just don’t give a toss anymore

speakout · 29/11/2022 06:42

OP the sad truth is your OH doesn't love you.
Whether he is unable to love another or just you- he doesn't care.

Good men who love their partner doen't behave like this.

ThePoshUns · 29/11/2022 06:50

ICanHideButICantRun · 28/11/2022 09:54

I really feel for you and tbh if there are no children involved I'd be getting myself a little place of my own near to the hospital.

Same, your commute is ridiculous in top of your long hours. Why are you working full time and your husband isn't?

Tuilpmouse · 29/11/2022 07:22

Of course he is being unreasonable.

Do you have a separate room to sleep in?

rwalker · 29/11/2022 07:31

Anybody getting up at 4am needs to be organised when sharing a room

no idea the need for all the nhs info unless it’s for praise and hero points

FOJN · 29/11/2022 12:11

I don't think what either of you does for work is relevant. I understand you work long hours and have a lot of responsibility but the issue is that your husband seems to think it's OK to disturb your sleep because he can't get his shit together and that you are unreasonable for complaining about it.

Whilst your working hours, commute etc might make you more tired I'm at a loss to understand why anyone needs to justify not wanting to be woken up at 4am.

Stop playing "I'm more tired than you" and tell him he needs to sleep on the sofa on nights when he's getting up extra early and then put a lock on the bedroom door to stop him coming in if he's forgotten something. If you happen to have a spare bedroom I'd make it yours and then you can sleep there whenever you like without disturbance. He needs to be told he's being a selfish dick and his inability to organise is not your problem.

Ivyonafence · 29/11/2022 12:43

FOJN · 29/11/2022 12:11

I don't think what either of you does for work is relevant. I understand you work long hours and have a lot of responsibility but the issue is that your husband seems to think it's OK to disturb your sleep because he can't get his shit together and that you are unreasonable for complaining about it.

Whilst your working hours, commute etc might make you more tired I'm at a loss to understand why anyone needs to justify not wanting to be woken up at 4am.

Stop playing "I'm more tired than you" and tell him he needs to sleep on the sofa on nights when he's getting up extra early and then put a lock on the bedroom door to stop him coming in if he's forgotten something. If you happen to have a spare bedroom I'd make it yours and then you can sleep there whenever you like without disturbance. He needs to be told he's being a selfish dick and his inability to organise is not your problem.

I think it's relevant because it speaks to her frustration as well as his lack of compassion for her.

If he was a supportive spouse he would see that she has it hard with her commute and long shifts, and would be trying to make her life easier. Instead he is making her life harder and depriving her of sleep when she is in desperate need of it.

I don't put NHS on a pedestal- but she is clearly exhausted and a tone who gave a toss about her would be letting her sleep.

stuntbubbles · 29/11/2022 12:46

FOJN · 29/11/2022 12:11

I don't think what either of you does for work is relevant. I understand you work long hours and have a lot of responsibility but the issue is that your husband seems to think it's OK to disturb your sleep because he can't get his shit together and that you are unreasonable for complaining about it.

Whilst your working hours, commute etc might make you more tired I'm at a loss to understand why anyone needs to justify not wanting to be woken up at 4am.

Stop playing "I'm more tired than you" and tell him he needs to sleep on the sofa on nights when he's getting up extra early and then put a lock on the bedroom door to stop him coming in if he's forgotten something. If you happen to have a spare bedroom I'd make it yours and then you can sleep there whenever you like without disturbance. He needs to be told he's being a selfish dick and his inability to organise is not your problem.

When someone treats you this callously and refuses to accept that they are doing so, it messes with your head and you begin to justify it to yourself. I agree that even if she were WFH with a desk job and no kids and no commute and no physical labour, he still shouldn’t be waking her at 4am, but his behaviour is SO awful of course she’s presenting her defence. That’s how he’s making her feel.

Plus if she hadn’t put all that info in, the thread would just be 100 questions repeated: do you WFH what do you do what’s your commute etc

HotWashCycle · 29/11/2022 12:50

WhereyouLeftit (page 3 of thread)
Absolutely spot on. Words of wisdom. This is exactly what he is doing.

goadyolddough · 29/11/2022 13:07

Have you got a spare bedroom?

If so, I'd suggest one of you sleeps in there on those days you have long shifts.

Smooshface · 29/11/2022 13:42

I'd be treating him like the child he is every day "what do you need for work tomorrow? Let us find it all together and put it out so you can find it in the morning."

He is doing this on purpose, please consider what that actually means for how he views you.

FOJN · 29/11/2022 18:48

Ivyonafence & stuntbubbles

Of course a selfish husband is behaving in a way which makes the OP question herself but we are talking about sleep here; all humans need it. OP should not have to justify her need for undisturbed sleep to either her husband or the posters on this thread. Offering a justification simply opens a negotiation or starts an argument which is exactly what has happened here. The OP has justified herself and the husband has countered. The only justification required is, "it's 4am, the disturbance is avoidable and the house isn't on fire".

The husband seems to think that what ever is easiest for him is more important than consideration for the OP's need for sleep. I read far to many posts where women feel they need to justify why they should be given the most basic consideration and posters offering them practical solutions so the OP can avoid having to inconvenience a selfish spouse. We need to stop doing that to other women and letting men get away with being selfish.

If the OP had posted that her husband was complaining she disturbed him when she got up early for work and he was insisting she prepared the night before to get dressed in another room but she thought that was unreasonable she would, quite rightly, have her arse handed to her.

OP is a human being worthy of as much consideration as anyone else in the household, she should not need to make a case for that and shame on any posters who think she should.

OwwwMuuuum · 29/11/2022 18:51

He is being unreasonable about not getting his stuff ready the night before.

You are being sanctimonious and clearly think you’re above him and more in need of sleep because of your worthy job.

Ivyonafence · 30/11/2022 07:29

FOJN · 29/11/2022 18:48

Ivyonafence & stuntbubbles

Of course a selfish husband is behaving in a way which makes the OP question herself but we are talking about sleep here; all humans need it. OP should not have to justify her need for undisturbed sleep to either her husband or the posters on this thread. Offering a justification simply opens a negotiation or starts an argument which is exactly what has happened here. The OP has justified herself and the husband has countered. The only justification required is, "it's 4am, the disturbance is avoidable and the house isn't on fire".

The husband seems to think that what ever is easiest for him is more important than consideration for the OP's need for sleep. I read far to many posts where women feel they need to justify why they should be given the most basic consideration and posters offering them practical solutions so the OP can avoid having to inconvenience a selfish spouse. We need to stop doing that to other women and letting men get away with being selfish.

If the OP had posted that her husband was complaining she disturbed him when she got up early for work and he was insisting she prepared the night before to get dressed in another room but she thought that was unreasonable she would, quite rightly, have her arse handed to her.

OP is a human being worthy of as much consideration as anyone else in the household, she should not need to make a case for that and shame on any posters who think she should.

You're quite right.

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