My husband wakes me up between 4-5 am and thinks it's reasonable

[Tiredbehyondbelief]

Hi there, I would appreciate your opinion. I work full-time as a NHS midwife on the labour ward. I work full-time and my commute is 1.5 hours each way. I work 12.5 hours shifts with 1 hour break. Sometimes I have to work for 8 hours before getting my break, sometimes I get no break at all. If I am lucky I would have a 10 mins tea break. On most shifts, it's just 1 hour break and that's it. So I am mostly working not stop, either from 07:30 am to 8 pm or from 7:30 pm to 08:00 the following morning. I love my job but it's also very stressful as women are in pain, partners are anxious etc. So my job is very demanding, physically, emotionally and mentally as I am responsible for the life of the mother and the baby. (It's upon me to spot any deviation from the normal and call a doctor if I suspect things are going wrong). My husband is on the other hand works in a DIY store 4 times a week 6 hours at a time. He is guaranteed to have 15 mins paid break in the middle of his shift. His commute is 5 mins as the store is round the corner. The job is fairly demanding and he has to lift heavy objects when a delivery comes in. Our biggest issue at home is my sleep. I am constantly exhausted as I am constantly swithcing between night and day shifts. Plus, if I have 2 shifts in a row, which happens a lot, I only manage 5-6 hours rest between shifts. My husband sometimes needs to get up at 4 am for his work. He keeps forgetting to take his staff downstairs the night before so that he keeps coming back into the bedroom until I am fully awake. Then I spend my morning and early afternoon walking like a zombie until I manage to doze off for 1 hour in the afternoon. My husband thinks I am placing unreasonable demands on him to remember to get everything he needs for work the night before. Your opinion on this matter would be much appreciated

If he can't get ready in a different room, would he find it easier to get ready in a different house? Because that's what it may come down to. He sounds like a selfish arsehole. And that's regardless of how much of the housework he does. He's deliberately or thoughtlessly waking the OP up & needs to grow some braincells or empathy, pronto.

Well, either he's either doing it on purpose, as punishment for something else going on in the relationship, or he just cares less about you than a bit of minor inconvenience to himself the night before.

Neither are great, are they?

I often leave at 5.30 when DH is still asleep. I have ADHD and struggle to remember things, but I can still manage to sort my stuff out the night before and not wake him up. And that's even when he's not working that day because, you know, I love him and care about him and don't want to be a s*head.

😁😁😁 I love Mumsnet.

My partner works shifts, he leaves everything downstairs and if he needs to grab something in the morning he does it as soon as he gets up and then goes downstairs quietly. Your DH is being unreasonable and also insensitive to your needs and tiredness. He needs to wise up

I assume the OP has fallen asleep.

Of course YANBU

Lots of useful suggestions on this thread. I hope you manage to make the changes you need

I fear that:

if OP showed him this thread he would smirk and deep down be amused that he'd wound her up so much

if she moved into a separate room he would still disturb her by being even louder or 'having to' burst in and ask her something before he left

he's doing it deliberately

he doesn't have any redeeming features

OP, can you move yourself closer to work?
The commute sounds terrible

What a selfish prick! My DH gets up at 4am for work but gets his uniform ready the night before and puts it in the spare room. At 4am, he quietly creeps out of bedroom, goes for a shower and gets dressed in the spare room and quietly goes downstairs. This is what a thoughtful partner does.

I'm really upset on your behalf!

I'm sorry but I'm fed up of these I'm working for NHS... "-DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU WORK, believe me, NHS is not the worst place. Most of us could dream about 1hr break.

I think you somewhat missed the point of the post.

My DP has to get up at 5.30am, I don't have to get up 'til 7.30am. He works longer hours than me and earns more, and still manages to get ready in the bathroom or downstairs in the morning without waking me. Because he loves me and cares that I get sufficient sleep. Your 'D'H is a selfish, nasty dickhead who doesn't care that you or one of your patients could die because of his actions. Small children can manage to sort their stuff out the night before. I hope this isn't symptomatic of his behavior in other parts of your relationship, but I rather suspect it will be.

I would actually tell your DH a white lie to see if he changes his attitude.

Tell him you had a meeting at work because it’s been noticed by others that you look tired which could endanger women and babies in your care.

Tell hun that you mentioned you’re awakened early by DH and that your employer has encouraged you to sort this or risk losing your job.

A threat to your finances may make him change his ways!

Thank-you for the service you give!

He is unreasonable.
However, that doesn't help much.
Perhaps your DH doesn't really understand how tired you are (if he loves you he should do as you ask anyway) but he sounds to be disorganised.

Start from where you are:
don't store his belongings/clothes in the room where you sleep. Permanently place them elsewhere (even if this is not conventional).

Move:
closer to your work so that he does the commute and you have 3 hours more day to rest in.

No, I didn't. It's just crazy that almost every single person who works for NHS and have any issues, starting their thread - "I'm working for NHS....".
And what? You are special? Because of NHS?

He’s being a dick. But tbh I think you need to look at your work/life balance too. 1.5 hour commute on top of long days and nights on DS is a killer. I’d be worried about your safety to drive. Why is he working so little, and you so much? Even cutting down to 30/34 hours might make a difference. Or moving to a closer hospital? Or community?

Midwifery has basically killed me after 7 years qualified and I’ve not worked nearly as much as you!

Exactly this.

also thank you for the amazing work you do in tough conditions.

Your husband is an absolute bellend and should be ashamed of himself. My 9yo packs her own PE kit the night before. Your husband is a dick.

Your opinion on this matter would be much appreciated

why? Clearly you know it’s very unreasonable and you are very unhappy. Clearly we will have no sway over what you dh does or doesn’t do in future.

Until you’ve worked on an understaffed labour ward, with no time to pee or drink, give it a break. It’s bloody hard, soul destroying in fact. And it’s entirely relevant to OP’s post.

@Meklk are you the husband or something?

She was providing context not trying to show she is special.

How old are you? You sound so childish - what about meeeeee? Pathetic. If you dont like where you work then start your own thread.

No wonder you're tired OP. I'd have throttled him before now. Yadnbu.

I wonder how he'd feel if you woke him every time you can in from an odd shift time? Maybe you should try it

He’s being selfish - I would sit him down and have a conversation about how this affects you and tell him to get his act together

FFS what a selfish arse. He should make sure whatever he needs is out of your bedroom the night before. He should also be as quiet as possible while he’s getting ready.

DP gets up v early for work, he sneaks out of the bedroom and rarely wakes me up.

Why would anyone do that?

when you can carry on silently fuming about it and start a thread on mumsnet asking for anonymous members to post their opinions on it?

How long has this been going on for?

He is being downright selfish. Do your shifts mean that you wake him up sometimes when you come home? If so you may need to be considerate of him too but waking you up at 4-5am is not on when he can avoid this by getting dressed in another room and making sure he has everything ready the night before in another room and doesn't need to disturb you. If it happened once or twice whilst he first got used to doing this I could understand but as this is a regular think he should have the routine sorted out by now and know exactly how to prepare his stuff in another room the night before so as not to disturb you.