My husband wakes me up between 4-5 am and thinks it's reasonable

[Tiredbehyondbelief]

Hi there, I would appreciate your opinion. I work full-time as a NHS midwife on the labour ward. I work full-time and my commute is 1.5 hours each way. I work 12.5 hours shifts with 1 hour break. Sometimes I have to work for 8 hours before getting my break, sometimes I get no break at all. If I am lucky I would have a 10 mins tea break. On most shifts, it's just 1 hour break and that's it. So I am mostly working not stop, either from 07:30 am to 8 pm or from 7:30 pm to 08:00 the following morning. I love my job but it's also very stressful as women are in pain, partners are anxious etc. So my job is very demanding, physically, emotionally and mentally as I am responsible for the life of the mother and the baby. (It's upon me to spot any deviation from the normal and call a doctor if I suspect things are going wrong). My husband is on the other hand works in a DIY store 4 times a week 6 hours at a time. He is guaranteed to have 15 mins paid break in the middle of his shift. His commute is 5 mins as the store is round the corner. The job is fairly demanding and he has to lift heavy objects when a delivery comes in. Our biggest issue at home is my sleep. I am constantly exhausted as I am constantly swithcing between night and day shifts. Plus, if I have 2 shifts in a row, which happens a lot, I only manage 5-6 hours rest between shifts. My husband sometimes needs to get up at 4 am for his work. He keeps forgetting to take his staff downstairs the night before so that he keeps coming back into the bedroom until I am fully awake. Then I spend my morning and early afternoon walking like a zombie until I manage to doze off for 1 hour in the afternoon. My husband thinks I am placing unreasonable demands on him to remember to get everything he needs for work the night before. Your opinion on this matter would be much appreciated

No doubt he is being unreasonable and why does he not work more hours, could you do less if he did?

Your working conditions are a disgrace, as you say responsible for the life of a mother and baby and working without breaks, it's terrifying. Your job is way more demanding than his don't give him any leeway.

I really feel for you and tbh if there are no children involved I'd be getting myself a little place of my own near to the hospital.

He has a proper job so thats an unnecessary comment. His issue isnt his job but his selfishness and lack of understanding at the hours his wife works and the impact on her.

this!

The main concern for me is that you might for one millisecond think you are being unreasonable.
What else is going on that you find yourself in this position i.e. are you questioning other aspects of your life which in your heart you know are 'normal' but he's chipped away so much over the years that you're questioning yourself.

Without wishing to sound patronising, thank you for the work you do.

He's being very selfish. If he carries on I'd tell him to sleep downstairs when he has to be up early and your asleep.

Your job clearly pays a lot more than his, and a hell of a lot more responsibility so you take priority.

Yes he is being very unreasonable and you know that.

1.5 hours is a hell of a commute you poor thing. I couldn’t do that long term.

Wow he is being very very unreasonable!! I used to leave for work at 6am, I left my work clothes in another room so as not to wake DH. Tell him to have his stuff out the night before

I would say he is doing it deliberately so you won’t be sleeping while he’s awake. He’s a jerk.

Could you move his clothes permanently to another room? I'm bad at forgetting clothes as dh works nights so mat come in early hours then I get up.and I'm like crap I need clothes out wardrobe. Iv started leaving most my clean washing in washing basket downstairs so I don't have to go back into.the bedroom when I forget.

He’s being a selfish arsehole. I always get things ready the night before for the next morning or the mornings are impossible (two small children). There is absolutely no reason he can’t do the same. Appallingly selfish behaviour and utterly unreasonable

I think @EvenMoreFuriousVexation was right, people resent others "sleeping in" when they are not and try and sabotage it. There's a builder on my street who walks his dog and lets it bark at about 6 am, I'm convinced he enjoys waking up everyone else who only have to be up around 7:30 or 8.

Yes but HE should be organising this, NOT OP. She has enough on her plate without having to organise a man child who works 24 hours per week.

He’s totally unreasonable. Totally.

As a side, you shouldn’t be commuting 3 hours a day and working 12.5. It’s not in any way safe.

I work in H&S… my first thoight is that if you made a mistake or something went wrong the n your working/commuting time would be blamed…. As you say, you are responsible for people’s lives.

This is incredibly inconsiderate of him. I feel sad for you.

Yeah.. he’s just a selfish man child by the sound of it! I get living with someone disorganised (ds has dyslexia and associated processing difficulties that do make being organised harder, but I’m constantly trying to teach him to find work arounds) but your h doesn’t even seem to care..

He sounds very selfish and not very bright.

Thank you for the job that you do.

Your husband is a bellend.

DP has ADHD and is a chaos demon and he’s still perfectly capable of ensuring his clothes, towel, toiletries, whatever the hell he needs to get up and out the house with are away from where I’m sleeping. On the rare occasions he needs to sneak back in he SNEAKS and texts me later to apologise if he woke me. He also facilitates my need to nap.

Your husband is either veeeeeerrrrrrrrry stupid or veeeeeerrrrrrrry mean; only you know which.

MIND BLOWING. Of course you are not being unreasonable. He is a selfish ass.

If either of us have to get up significantly earlier than the other one, it's a quick grab of stuff the night before. Sometimes, one of us might forget something (it's more likely to be me) but then we'd be super careful to creep in as quietly as possible to get it. And actually, DH has no problem falling back to sleep so doesn't really care but knows that it's hard for me so tries not to do it to me.

It is sad you have to ask OP.

I also think it's quite interesting that you felt the need to justify why you need sleep. You're on mumsnet... if there's any forum where simply saying, "I work 12 exhausting hours on a shift basis as a midwife" would immediately get you recognised, this is it. So the fact that you feel you have to explain and justify tells me that you probably aren't appreciated at home. Does he think you spend your evenings cuddling babies and drinking tea with mums-to-be?

This is such selfish and disrespectful behaviour on his part. It really shows a lack of caring that he feels his right to disturb you like this. All so he doesn't have to take some clothes downstairs.
It might seem drastic to some but the disrespect this shows would have me reevaluating the whole relationship.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. So is electric shocks. If he wants to torture you with lack of sleep then you torture him back by attaching the door handle to the electric to give him a shock each time he comes back into the bedroom to collect stuff he has forgotten.
He will soon learn.

What a twat

He's being extremely unreasonable. What an incredibly selfish man.

Is there a particular reason why he is only working 24 hours/week with a short commute while you work full time shifts plus a long commute? Could you move closer to your place of work so you don't have such a long drive back home when you are exhausted?

He is obviously unreasonable.

Not sure of your living arrangements, is there any way to have two bedrooms? He shouldn't be disturbing you at all.