My husband wakes me up between 4-5 am and thinks it's reasonable

[Tiredbehyondbelief]

Hi there, I would appreciate your opinion. I work full-time as a NHS midwife on the labour ward. I work full-time and my commute is 1.5 hours each way. I work 12.5 hours shifts with 1 hour break. Sometimes I have to work for 8 hours before getting my break, sometimes I get no break at all. If I am lucky I would have a 10 mins tea break. On most shifts, it's just 1 hour break and that's it. So I am mostly working not stop, either from 07:30 am to 8 pm or from 7:30 pm to 08:00 the following morning. I love my job but it's also very stressful as women are in pain, partners are anxious etc. So my job is very demanding, physically, emotionally and mentally as I am responsible for the life of the mother and the baby. (It's upon me to spot any deviation from the normal and call a doctor if I suspect things are going wrong). My husband is on the other hand works in a DIY store 4 times a week 6 hours at a time. He is guaranteed to have 15 mins paid break in the middle of his shift. His commute is 5 mins as the store is round the corner. The job is fairly demanding and he has to lift heavy objects when a delivery comes in. Our biggest issue at home is my sleep. I am constantly exhausted as I am constantly swithcing between night and day shifts. Plus, if I have 2 shifts in a row, which happens a lot, I only manage 5-6 hours rest between shifts. My husband sometimes needs to get up at 4 am for his work. He keeps forgetting to take his staff downstairs the night before so that he keeps coming back into the bedroom until I am fully awake. Then I spend my morning and early afternoon walking like a zombie until I manage to doze off for 1 hour in the afternoon. My husband thinks I am placing unreasonable demands on him to remember to get everything he needs for work the night before. Your opinion on this matter would be much appreciated

Your husband is an inconsiderate t*@t you need to be alert to do your job. Crikey if my midwife hadn't been on the ball when my son was born he or I wouldn't be here to tell the tale.

Your husband is a selfish dick!

How hard can it be to remember to take your clothes downstairs the night before?

The problem is your DH only works part time in my opinion, easy job with easy hours! He doesn’t understand how hard you work or how demanding your job is and he isn’t making any effort to understand!

Sorry but I disagree, it absolutely does matter where you work, what your role is, how much responsibility you have and how long someone's commute is.

My oh gets up at 3.10am for work. He always leaves his clothes in the bathroom the night before and normally wake’s just before his alarm too so I’m not even disturbed by that. Yours is being very selfish

He sounds like a tool. I would also ask you why you’re working such crazy hours in a job miles from your home? Are you able to earn similar by looking for work as say, a Health Visitor locally?

Any drop in income could be neutralised either by lower travel cost or by your lazy arsed husband finding a better paid job.

So you didn't miss the point but just decided to derail?

If you want to have a rant about people saying they work for the NHS, start a thread about that.

You'll find that most people start a thread on MN only after they've tried every obvious solution and are at their wits end. And then they have to read passive aggressive posts like yours.

Anyway OP, sleep is a basic need.
As a PP said find somewhere to stay closer to work between shifts. Just one night of restorative sleep away from your DH's antics will give you a clearer view of just how unacceptable his behaviour is.
It would be very easy for him to let you have the sleep you need only that's not what he wants.
There's no need to waste your precious rest-time talking about it with him any longer, protect yourself. I agree, just being rested will make things clearer and help you find what to do. Good luck OP, look after yourself.

I used to get all my stuff ready the night before and put it in the spare room even when my partner was not working!

Your partner is selfish, but even more so for thinking you are being unreasonable.

Some practical solutions

Silent alarm for him
Earplugs for you ( Quies are brilliant)

Your husband is the one that's unreasonable.

YANBU. I am the one who has an early start in our house, only 1 day a week now and everything is ready. I know I still disturb DH turning the alarm off and putting the bathroom light on but I minimise as much as I can. If he needs to be up before I leave I will go in and do make up in there to wake him but equally always have it ready in the bathroom so that I don't need to wake him if the situation changes.

My DH leaves the house by 530am. He keeps everything he needs in the spare room and that seems fair enough to me and I would do the same for him. I work from home, so obvs no commute but I would not appreciate your DHs behaviour anyway.

Honestly, you would really benefit from your own bedroom that he is not allowed access to in this situation. Do you have space? Prioritise your health if he isn’t going to.

I expect a 9 year old to get his shit together the night before school, gey himself washed and dressed, pack his bag and be waiting at the door by 8.30. He does it. Your DH is pathetic.

He's a giant dick! If you know he's at work then nag him to get his stuff ready, what a bloody man child! He's lucky he's not married to me, he'd be single by now

hes being unreasonable

Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed to this thread, much appreciated. If my husband decides to read and change his ways - then great. If not, I will be cancelling all children's activities and our holidays and going part-time. I simply cannot go like this anymore. Just for the reference, yes, I am a mother of 2 children and my 1.5 hours commute is by 2 trains.

Is there any way you can move closer to your work?

I haven't read everyone's posts but have seen many people suggesting that he's doing it on purpose. That maybe but to give the benefit of the doubt, could he not sit and write a list of everything he could ever need in the morning before a shift? That way he can run through the list at night and make absolutely sure that he has everything ready. If he has a list and still continues to wake you up then he's awful and cannot blame forgetfulness!

Why is he working 24 hours a week? Why don't you get a job nearer home? Yes of course he's a selfish arse!

My dad was a baker. You can imagine his shifts. He got up at 3am Mon-Fri and 2am Saturday and he ALWAYS laid his working clothes out in our lounge. He never disturbed anyone

How long has this been going on for?

Couldn’t you join a hospital closer that doesn’t require a 3 hour commute and 4 trains?

Personally I prefer to have my gear ready the night before, so if I'm late it's dress, get suited and vanish, so to speak.

The OP would still be working long shifts, and he would still be thoughtlessly and inconsiderately waking her up between 4 and 5 in the morning.