My husband wakes me up between 4-5 am and thinks it's reasonable

[Tiredbehyondbelief]

Hi there, I would appreciate your opinion. I work full-time as a NHS midwife on the labour ward. I work full-time and my commute is 1.5 hours each way. I work 12.5 hours shifts with 1 hour break. Sometimes I have to work for 8 hours before getting my break, sometimes I get no break at all. If I am lucky I would have a 10 mins tea break. On most shifts, it's just 1 hour break and that's it. So I am mostly working not stop, either from 07:30 am to 8 pm or from 7:30 pm to 08:00 the following morning. I love my job but it's also very stressful as women are in pain, partners are anxious etc. So my job is very demanding, physically, emotionally and mentally as I am responsible for the life of the mother and the baby. (It's upon me to spot any deviation from the normal and call a doctor if I suspect things are going wrong). My husband is on the other hand works in a DIY store 4 times a week 6 hours at a time. He is guaranteed to have 15 mins paid break in the middle of his shift. His commute is 5 mins as the store is round the corner. The job is fairly demanding and he has to lift heavy objects when a delivery comes in. Our biggest issue at home is my sleep. I am constantly exhausted as I am constantly swithcing between night and day shifts. Plus, if I have 2 shifts in a row, which happens a lot, I only manage 5-6 hours rest between shifts. My husband sometimes needs to get up at 4 am for his work. He keeps forgetting to take his staff downstairs the night before so that he keeps coming back into the bedroom until I am fully awake. Then I spend my morning and early afternoon walking like a zombie until I manage to doze off for 1 hour in the afternoon. My husband thinks I am placing unreasonable demands on him to remember to get everything he needs for work the night before. Your opinion on this matter would be much appreciated

he needs to grow up and learn how to get his stuff ready the night before. The odd occasion if he’s forgotten something and creeps back in fair enough, but that should rarely need to happen if at all. It’s really not that difficult.

You didn’t really need to justify yourself with how hard and important your job is compared to his. He could be a heart surgeon and he still should creep out quietly if he gets up early. And you could be working in the hardware store and still deserve to sleep.

do you have a spare room? I would sleep separately on those days. My partner and I do and our shifts much more “normal” hours! Just stops you both having to go to bed at same time as well if you don’t want to or waking them up when you go to bed as well as the mornings.

however what stands out to me is that you’re driving 3 hours on top of 12 hour shift. That’s mad. Can you change that by moving house ? You’ll feel so much better if you can bring it down to say 30 minutes.

Absolutely amazed at your working schedule and conditions OP, so all power to you, and so many thanks for what you do. Three hours commuting on top of that work is inhuman. You must prioritise your sleep. Does your UR dh know what your work actually entails - all the stress and responsibility? Tell him, and insist that he prioritises your sound sleep too. It almost sounds as though he is sabotaging you at some level. Is he selfish in other ways?

Maybe you could move closer without him… does the idea make your heart lift a little?

if not that, can you sleep elsewhere? Wake him up every night to say I’m going to bed now have you got everything you need downstairs? And if he doesn’t like being woken up, I wonder why it’s ok to wake you?

Your h is a selfish, inconsiderate arse. Why does he only work 24 hours a week? Can you move any closer to your work?

Is he this selfish in other areas, or not?

So dangerous that you have such a responsible job with lives at risk if you give the wrong medication or dose not to mention remembering each mums birth plan to ensure consent is given... and you're doing this on so little rest period between shifts.
Speak to your manager about reducing your hours for a few months until you can arrange for an alternative place to sleep (separate rooms?)

I’d honestly leave someone for this.

it’s not just a “opps sorry I woke you up” one off - it’s clearly that he doesn’t understand nor respect the demands of your job on your physical and mental health.

he doesn’t give a fuck. That is a selfish arsehole and I couldn’t maintain any type of an intimate relationship with someone with such little respect for me.

You know this is unreasonable.

whoever is getting up at 4am needs to kip on the guest room. I get up for work at 0630 and on those days EVERYTHING is in the bathroom ready for me - knickers, scrubs, the lot. I get out of bed and don’t go back in the bedroom.

I really feel for you. The fear of making a mistake is real.

I’m on maternity leave from nursing so I know exactly where you are coming from.

My DH is a copper, he leaves his stuff in the other room or gets dressed in the dark so as not to disturb me or baby. (If he woke the baby, I’d murder him, never mind me!)

Your DH is a selfish twat, why doesn’t he work more hours?

Or just move him and all his stuff into a separate bedroom if you have one or move him downstairs permanently.

I would take a week off work and wake him up every day hours earlier than he usually gets out of bed. If that means him having to get up at 2am on days he works then so be it.
You aren’t allowed to sleep so why should he.

My opinion is - he is doing this deliberately. He is punishing you. Since he work only 24 hours a week, I'd presume you to be the main breadwinner? He is punishing you for that. You are a member of a respected profession, he is employed for his muscle. He is punishing you for that.

He is not 'forgetting' anything. He is maliciously and deliberately punishing you for not being the dependant fluttering little woman to his big, strong man. He is punishing you to put you in your place.

I could not live with such a poor excuse for a human.

Your husband is beyond unreasonable. That level of inconsideration is shocking. Thank you for all your hard work x

He keeps forgetting to take his staff downstairs the night before so that he keeps coming back into the bedroom until I am fully awake.

He's not "forgetting" - he's not bothering to remember.

He could make a list each evening of what he needs to take downstairs and tick off each item as he puts it in the pile if his memory is genuinely that bad - Imean, how hard can it be?

Socks ✔
Shirt ✔
Trousers ✔

etc. It isn't rocket science. He isn't a child. He should be able to remember how to dress himself.

Do you have a spare bedroom? Tell him to sleep in there and take his stuff with him.

Ask your husband if his DIY store sells lump hammers and patio slabs?

Selfish stupid fucker.

Yes - You are right.

He is being deliberately spiteful towards the OP

I’d look at all solutions but also why he’s doing this. If he’s punishing you for getting a lie in, not working enough and not getting his stuff prepared for work the night before if he’s prepared to work to change all
those issues then I’d maybe consider staying with him.

If he didn’t address any of the above issues and it’s a control issue I’d seriously think about a divorce, as it’s no way to live.

He is incredibly unreasonable. It very much read that he is behaving contemptuously towards you. It's frankly dangerous for you to be driving and working on such little sleep.

He's a selfish, self centred, unreasonable prick. You need rest - lives literally depend on it.

But WHY TF are you working these hours and he gets the life of fucking riley with his PT hours? Is there no happy medium?

Could you request fixed shifts / flexible working / something that suits you better? (YOU - not your H, a kick in the nads is in order for him)

Which will only get worse.

I don't work as many crazy hours as you but I'm in senior management in a demanding office and work my butt off from 8 - gone 6 every day. And im 4 months pregnant.

My husband has an alarm around 5.30. I get up at 7.

He snoozes this alarm 4-5 times each morning by the time I'm wide awake and he's still half asleep. I've asked him so many times to set his alarm when he needs to get up and then get up and go.

This morning Id had enough and got up at 5.45 and moved into the spare room.

Wankers.

He is being unreasonable. DP gets up after me, I have clothes for me and Dd school uniform downstairs as part of my evening routine. That way once we are awake we don't need to go back upstairs. If I have forgotten something, I would use my phone as light and tip toe for minimum disruption.

Totally unreasonable of him.
My oh does shifts and I remove everything I need for the morning from the bedroom the night before.
Clothes, underwear, watch, jewelry etc and I get ready downstairs in the kitchen.
He, otoh, comes in early hours of the morning like a herd of elephants, turning lights on, crashing about, usually says something really helpful like "are you awake" to which I reply " I am now, nobhead" 🙄
They're just selfish

My daughter used to live with a man like this. There were other signs of coercive control that we could see but she could not. Thank goodness she eventually left him!

I get up earlier than DH (as in 5/5.30) and I'm perfectly capable of getting ready for work without disturbing him. In previous years he was the one who had an early start, and he never once needed to return to the bedroom once he was up.

YANBU. XH used to get up really early for work, and right from when he first moved in, he would leave all his stuff in the bathroom so he didn't disturb me when he got up at 3am.

If you are the main breadwinner then you need your sleep more than he does.

It works both ways too, when we had DD I did the night feeds from Sun-Thurs as he had to get up and drive the next day all day and couldn't be tired.

It's what you should do when you're working together to help each other.

Tell your DH to make a list and tick it off every day if he cant remember!