My husband wakes me up between 4-5 am and thinks it's reasonable

[Tiredbehyondbelief]

Hi there, I would appreciate your opinion. I work full-time as a NHS midwife on the labour ward. I work full-time and my commute is 1.5 hours each way. I work 12.5 hours shifts with 1 hour break. Sometimes I have to work for 8 hours before getting my break, sometimes I get no break at all. If I am lucky I would have a 10 mins tea break. On most shifts, it's just 1 hour break and that's it. So I am mostly working not stop, either from 07:30 am to 8 pm or from 7:30 pm to 08:00 the following morning. I love my job but it's also very stressful as women are in pain, partners are anxious etc. So my job is very demanding, physically, emotionally and mentally as I am responsible for the life of the mother and the baby. (It's upon me to spot any deviation from the normal and call a doctor if I suspect things are going wrong). My husband is on the other hand works in a DIY store 4 times a week 6 hours at a time. He is guaranteed to have 15 mins paid break in the middle of his shift. His commute is 5 mins as the store is round the corner. The job is fairly demanding and he has to lift heavy objects when a delivery comes in. Our biggest issue at home is my sleep. I am constantly exhausted as I am constantly swithcing between night and day shifts. Plus, if I have 2 shifts in a row, which happens a lot, I only manage 5-6 hours rest between shifts. My husband sometimes needs to get up at 4 am for his work. He keeps forgetting to take his staff downstairs the night before so that he keeps coming back into the bedroom until I am fully awake. Then I spend my morning and early afternoon walking like a zombie until I manage to doze off for 1 hour in the afternoon. My husband thinks I am placing unreasonable demands on him to remember to get everything he needs for work the night before. Your opinion on this matter would be much appreciated

I love this, what a lovely kind and thoughtful boy.

No jury would convict you.

OP don't set your bar so low.

This behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I hope you find the courage to find your self worth.

Your husband is inconsiderate, to say the least, but I think your altogether 3 hours(!) commute to your workplace sounds utterly exhausting. Can you find something nearer to you?

What's a proper job?🤔

Honestly I would leave someone like this. He doesn't like you OP.

He's unreasonable not you. For Christmas buy him a wee basket and a fancy bit of card he can write all the things he needs on then he can tick them off each night as he puts them in the basket to take downstairs and let you kip in peace! You could also have a space for stickers on the card and when he earns all his stickers like a good boy he gets a treat! Works for my 7 year old.....lol

He is completely and utterly unreasonable. But in the interests of creative problem solving, would it be an option to both sleep in a spare room and leave all his stuff in the current bedroom? So he gets ready in there instead.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

You are so exhausted and worn down that you probably don't realise that you have options.

But the good news is that you can make changes for the better. Don't wait for your selfish husband to improve - put yourself first because he clearly wont.

Is there an accommodation noticeboard at your hospital, or do HR have lists of local accommodation? You could probably rent a room in a local houseshare with some other staff for not much more money than the cost of your commute. You could rent out the spare bedroom in your home (if you have one) to pay for new room.

Once you have caught up on your sleep you will be in a better position to assess what you want going forward. Do you want to sell/rent out your house and move closer to your work? Is there another hospital that offers better working hours?

It may be that your husband pulls his socks up once he realises he might lose you, or it may be that once you're more independent you don't want him anyway. But the first priority is to change your life so you get more sleep.

He is a twat.
A chronically sleep deprived midwife is a danger to women and infants in her care.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I'd be telling him he has to sleep downstairs if he can't get up without disturbing you.

Tell him to put a reminder on his phone each evening to move this stuff.

I'd also consider reminding him each night to put his stuff downstairs. Though there is a danger that then the responsibility becomes yours. Might be worth it though.

He is a monumental twat and beyond unreasonable. And why is he only working part time round the corner when you are working such long hours and commuting long distance?

Does he do all the housework, shopping, cooking etc?

he is being unreasonable here.

i regularly get up at 5am. sometimes to go for a run/walk sometimes to the gym, or sometimes just to sit downstairs and have some peace and quiet before the chaos of the house starts.

on the mornings i get up and go out - i make sure that my work out gear is downstairs in the bathroom. ready to go and i make sure that i'm as quiet as i can be - this also involves not flushing the toilet downstairs as it is LOUD (must get that fixed).

He is very unreasonable. I am a retired nurse and I used to get up at 6 am to leave the house at 7. Every night I got all my clothes and work stuff ready downstairs and made sure I didn't disturb anyone. It is really selfish to wake other people up when they have a long day ahead of them.

I think you know he is doing this deliberately.

Do you know why?

He sounds like my ex partner. It's totally selfish and inconsiderate for him to keep doing this, I imagine you've spoken to him several times about it. Have you a spare room or would you be able to sleep elsewhere? No one can live or expect to live like this as you cannot function like this forever.

I think you need to have another conversation with your dh about it and also ensure that he has everything sorted for his shift so he can go downstairs to get ready without disturbing you.

My ex dh was someone who would not change and was selfish in other ways too so this is why he is now an ex!!!

Your dh is selfish and unreasonable.I’d be getting out of bed and throwing the stuff at him ,and slamming the door shut and locking it .
failing that I’d sleep in separate rooms

This is what an abusive relationship looks like.

He is deliberately doing this.

You need to be very careful of this man.

He neither loves you nor cares for you.

Your life is being put at risk driving with such little rest.

He doesn't care if his child loses his mother to an accident.

Do you have family and friends to support you?

Talk to work about support.

Ring Women's aid for advice.

This is a nasty spiteful waster who wants to hurt you any way he can.

Move into another bedroom immediately and seek legal advice.

Do not waste your time trying to fix a toxic relationship like this.

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is.

Reach out for help.
Stop discussing this with him, there is NO point.

I work long hours with NHS , not clinical . Your work and commute pattern exhausted me just by reading it! I'm pretty sure we are entitled least 11 hours between 14 hour shifts ( doesn't mean we always get them) Doe's your husband actually understand what you do!?

I agree.

And a quick trawl here will find OP a lot of people who can supply industrial strength black rubbish bags, duct tape, rolls of old carpet, shovels, old, boring-looking vans which attract no attention, and access to half-laid patios . . .

We look after each other on here. . . 😉

😄😄😄

Me and my partner both can start early in the morning (up at 4.50am), but never on the same day as we have two kids so work around each other.

It’s really not difficult to leave your stuff in a pile and grab it to get dressed in the bathroom in the morning and then leave.

He’s just being selfish and petty because you’re “sleeping in” compared to him.

Separate rooms of you want to stay together. Otherwise, separate house.

My apologies I misread that you had a child.

You don't have children?

Even easier.

Pack up and leave asap.

Sell the house if you ownnand be thrilled that you Don have children with this loser who works part-time.

If he’s this inconsiderate now could you imagine the battles you would have if you possibly had children in the future?

Your husband is utterly unreasonable. At the very least he needs to take his stuff downstairs so he does't wake you. Can you sleep in separate rooms because if you can do that it solves the problem! We do and it's amazing!