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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong for wanting him to stay at home

244 replies

FoxyBloxy · 26/11/2022 10:15

I have either a stomach bug or food poisoning. I feel dreadful. I have been pretty much living on the toilet all last night and this morning. I have hardly slept for needing the toilet in the night. I am currently curled up in a ball with the most horrendous stomach cramps. I feel sick. I am knackered. He is going playing football today and will be out from 12-7. We have 2 dc and the thought of being in with them all day alone when I feel like this is making me want to cry. I asked him if he would miss it just this once but he kicked off saying no. The football isn’t compulsory, he won’t get a fine or get kicked out of the team or anything like that for not going. I am just so annoyed and fed up☹️

OP posts:
ehb102 · 26/11/2022 18:27

Wait, he's watching not playing? Oh dear sweet Jesus, what a totally awful excuse for a man.

Passanotherjaffacake · 26/11/2022 18:27

Some men are awful at underplaying other peoples illness, esp when inconvenient. My husband is a fine example of one of these men. I have him bang to rights about it now after he down played a few things which needed a hospital admission. Is your H often crap when you/the children are ill?

you need to consider carefully whether you are going to leave or figure out a way to win. Honestly if you stay the you need to break this behaviour and keep on top of it. I would start by asking some very direct questions about why he values football over each of you, why he thinks working when ill is the same (for the birds in my view) and how he would cope the other way around. I would be prepared to be quite rude about it. Offer him a test run - if he says no it’s because he knows he can’t handle it. Point this out. Be direct.

Also, consider leaving as a trial, it woke my husband up. Mine is much better now but he never wanted to be a bad husband and he loves us, so he was motivated to change. Is yours?

NotTooOldPaul · 26/11/2022 18:29

Doowop1919 · 26/11/2022 18:15

Wow.. your DH is a prick.

As a man I agree

Soothsayer1 · 26/11/2022 18:34

you need to consider carefully whether you are going to leave or figure out a way to win. Honestly if you stay the you need to break this behaviour and keep on top of it. I would start by asking some very direct questions about why he values football over each of you, why he thinks working when ill is the same (for the birds in my view) and how he would cope the other way around. I would be prepared to be quite rude about it. Offer him a test run - if he says no it’s because he knows he can’t handle it. Point this out. Be direct
I think this is very good!
I hope things can be turned around and he will see he's wronged you and wants to change.
But I think it's hard to be objective and hoping against hope is what keeps many people in damaging relationships

PinkSyCo · 26/11/2022 18:35

Moraxella · 26/11/2022 17:32

@PinkSyCo it was the only thing I could think of he might let her do on her own. 8 hour countryside bike ride would be more my jam but he doesn’t sound the type to reciprocate hobby time!

If food shopping is the only thing that OP’s partner ‘let’s’ her do on her own then she has a bigger shit to quickly expel than the stuff that’s coming out of her arse!

GoonerGirl5231 · 26/11/2022 18:39

FoxyBloxy · 26/11/2022 13:59

You’re all so kind🥺 5 year old has just told me he will take care of me bless him❤️ I feel so guilty

Remember this. Right now, your DS is a five-year-old sweetheart but his view of how men treat women is being shaped by your useless lump of a DH who put football before looking after his very sick wife. At a minimum I'd be dead-bolting the front door and kicking him out for the night. Tomorrow I'd be talking seriously about whether I wanted to stay in a marriage with someone so unbelievably selfish.

No way would my DP ever leave me curled up with stomach cramps to look after two children under five for seven hours.

Captone · 26/11/2022 18:49

Honestly, I'd be making longer term plans to leave him. I don't say that lightly. I was married to someone who resented supporting or caring for me when I had just given birth. I excused it. A few years later I had a serious illness, and it was heart-breaking. He was basically furious that I had gotten ill as it meant he had to step up. It would have been easier being alone. If this is how little he cares for you when you need his help, then what's the point? You're not a team, you're just his support and he doesn't seem to think he owes you anything, not even basic kindness in return.

Carbon12 · 26/11/2022 18:55

OP I can empathise.

My hubby absolutely loves football and it takes a lot for him to not go.

But he organisés childcare for my 20 month old, so I only have my 2 month old to take care of.

And he's gone for a couple of hours. So if that pisses me off I can only imagine how you feel. I'm so sorry. He is awful.

YorkshireMom · 26/11/2022 19:07

He’s an utter twat. I can’t believe he’s actually gone!. I’m livid for you. I honestly don’t think I’d be wanting him back home.

JaneorEleven · 26/11/2022 19:13

Sorry to hear this OP. I hope you get better soon. And don’t worry, once you’ve kicked this arsehole to the curb, your next husband will be much nicer than this! I’m talking from experience.

Trees6 · 26/11/2022 19:13

Your five year old sounds sweet but he shouldn’t be in the position of having to care for a sick parent. I’d also be worried about the toxic behaviour that your children will witness, the examples they’ll be set, and the impact it might have on their own romantic relationships. If you can’t be strong for yourself, be strong for them. I know it’s hard but you need to start making plans for a single life. Your mum sounds lovely, talk it over with her when she returns. She may be able to help.

MysteryBelle · 26/11/2022 19:16

You should come before the football. Your children are so small. Your h is selfish.

Tiddlywinkly · 26/11/2022 19:18

As some others have said, the only way he will get in it is if you leave him with the kids when he is very ill. See how he, 'sucks it up'. That's what my dsis had to do to get through to my bil.

Eselch · 26/11/2022 19:24

He’s an absolute twat!!

Iflyaway · 26/11/2022 19:27

So sad that he is so selfish.

What are your plans going forward.

You can't live like this. With such a man-child, thinking his football is more important than you and the children.

fucking creep, get rid

It will never get better. You have agency OP, to live your life on your terms.

Seaweed42 · 26/11/2022 19:33

Jesus. Feeling sick and minding a 21 mth old is absolute torture. 5yr old not too bad you can plonk them in front of telly all day if necessary.
Hopefully they will go to bed on time and sleep all night for you.

Luckingfovely · 26/11/2022 19:36

That would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. He clearly doesn't see you as a partner at all.

Geppili · 26/11/2022 19:38

Terrible husband. Terrible father.

Londonlade · 26/11/2022 19:39

Was just saying last night that I’m
sick of football and how it takes precedence over everything. It’s men running around with a ball. My mum
wouldn’t hear of me saying it though as she conditioned into think it’s so important by the men in our lives!

Londonlade · 26/11/2022 19:39

And yes change the locks. What a dick.

slavetoendo · 26/11/2022 19:48

Tell him you have rang for an ambulance and he needs to come home.

YumLemonCheesecake · 26/11/2022 19:54

Is he home yet? I hope you're feeling better.

Goldbar · 26/11/2022 19:56

I'd be tempted to start selling his stuff on ebay and using the money to pay for babysitting.

Solonge · 26/11/2022 19:58

ticktickticktickBOOM · 26/11/2022 11:11

I would lick the inside of the lid of his water bottle . . .

I would fill his water bottle with water from the toilet....one flush after I had diarrhoea...

Original poster
FoxyBloxy · 26/11/2022 20:10

He got back around just after 7. I didn’t speak to him at first so he asked me what was up (like it wasn’t obvious) I told him how angry I am with him, he said he was sorry but he ‘had’ to go🤔 I told him that me and the children should be his priority over football and if I’m ever this poorly again when he’s got football he either stays at home or I’m done. Also told him not to bother asking me for any favours anytime soon. Maybe a bit petty but I’m glad I got my anger out. Anyway, I’ve come up to bed on my own with a book waiting for I’m a celebrity😁

OP posts: