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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong for wanting him to stay at home

244 replies

FoxyBloxy · 26/11/2022 10:15

I have either a stomach bug or food poisoning. I feel dreadful. I have been pretty much living on the toilet all last night and this morning. I have hardly slept for needing the toilet in the night. I am currently curled up in a ball with the most horrendous stomach cramps. I feel sick. I am knackered. He is going playing football today and will be out from 12-7. We have 2 dc and the thought of being in with them all day alone when I feel like this is making me want to cry. I asked him if he would miss it just this once but he kicked off saying no. The football isn’t compulsory, he won’t get a fine or get kicked out of the team or anything like that for not going. I am just so annoyed and fed up☹️

OP posts:
Smooshface · 26/11/2022 16:29

I would lock the door and tell him to get lost. Terrible behaviour, unforgiveable. He will always prioritise his own needs, you and the kids will never come first.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/11/2022 16:30

'When he is ill he has to go to work'...wtf. no one goes to work when they're actually stuck on the toilet and puking, and most businesses would send you home if you came into the workplace when you were that contagious.

Secondly even if that was true...parenting on a weekend is not your 'job'. Even if you're a SAHP, when your other half is at home, parenting is both your jobs and it's not fair to leave the one who is ill to do it all himself.

Lastly...where the hell is his compassion? Why is his football more important than your health and wellbeing?

This is going to stay in your mind forever and will likely be one of the reasons you eventually divorce him

Pinkbonbon · 26/11/2022 16:32

He's just shown you exactly who he is.
Someone that cares more about his own pleasure than your suffering. That's not a partner unfortunately.

I'd use your anger to help you get your ducks in a row. Don't waste your life with a contemptuous man child who has no love for anyone but himself.

Don't let your currently lovely, caring 5 year old child grow up thinking your partners behaviour is normal in a relationship. You all deserve better. And you won't find it with him.

ReneBumsWombats · 26/11/2022 16:32

How does he ever show you he loves you? What's the point of him?

Truthlikeness · 26/11/2022 16:36

I'm a female without children who plays 11-a-side football - here's my perspective on this.

Sometimes you can let down the whole team if you drop out of the game at the last minute. If you only have 11 or 12 players, one drop out can make the difference between winning and losing. That said - we usually have 2-3 drop outs in the 24 hours before a game - which is why I try to have a full squad of 16. Not all teams are able to do this - my old team really struggled for players and one player dropping out made a big difference.

That said - female players with young children or other commitments often turn up just before the game (e.g. 30 mins) and leave immediately after. So your game time would be about 2 hrs 15min plus travel. There is no way you need to commit 7 hours to a a game - that is just being selfish.

rafanadalsarms · 26/11/2022 16:40

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 26/11/2022 14:13

My ExH would pull stunts like this. Along with waking the babies at 2am drunk, then falling asleep and leaving me with the fall out. Never getting up in the night with them ever. Calling me for a lift home from the pub, and then leaving me sat in the ca park for half an hour (with little toddlers), whilst he finished his drinks. Then he started cheating on me, and a while after that I left him. When I look back now, I can't believe what I put up with. And although we've been split for 14 years, I HATE him.

My now DH would drop everything if I was poorly.

What your DH has done is unforgivable and so uncaring. It doesn't matter what you say to him, he is never ever going to "get it". You can't reason with someone who at their core is so utterly selfish.

I know it sounds flippant to say LTB, but I'd be having some thoughts about whether this is the person you want to grow old with.

God were we married to the same (wanker) man 🤬

Zanatdy · 26/11/2022 16:42

My ex missed his brothers wedding ceremony for football. He showed up to the party after. I couldn’t believe anyone would do that, but to him football is everything. He was rushing me out of hospital as Arsenal were playing Everton. He also left me at home with children 5 and under 2 the day after I came home from hospital post open appendix surgery. Big wound, wasn’t supposed to be lifting kids, but hard not to when that age and you’re on your own with them. Completely selfish when it comes to football. Love to see him cope with kids when he’s sick

PinkSyCo · 26/11/2022 16:43

Truthlikeness · 26/11/2022 16:36

I'm a female without children who plays 11-a-side football - here's my perspective on this.

Sometimes you can let down the whole team if you drop out of the game at the last minute. If you only have 11 or 12 players, one drop out can make the difference between winning and losing. That said - we usually have 2-3 drop outs in the 24 hours before a game - which is why I try to have a full squad of 16. Not all teams are able to do this - my old team really struggled for players and one player dropping out made a big difference.

That said - female players with young children or other commitments often turn up just before the game (e.g. 30 mins) and leave immediately after. So your game time would be about 2 hrs 15min plus travel. There is no way you need to commit 7 hours to a a game - that is just being selfish.

So the welfare of your kids and poorly partner is less important than winning a game of football then? I mean, come on I could understand it if it was a big premier league game but……

Brigante9 · 26/11/2022 16:45

He’s a wanker, I’d be furious.

Moraxella · 26/11/2022 16:46

When he inevitably catches it in the next few days I suggest you repay the favour and do the world longest (solo) food shop

stuntbubbles · 26/11/2022 16:47

Truthlikeness · 26/11/2022 16:36

I'm a female without children who plays 11-a-side football - here's my perspective on this.

Sometimes you can let down the whole team if you drop out of the game at the last minute. If you only have 11 or 12 players, one drop out can make the difference between winning and losing. That said - we usually have 2-3 drop outs in the 24 hours before a game - which is why I try to have a full squad of 16. Not all teams are able to do this - my old team really struggled for players and one player dropping out made a big difference.

That said - female players with young children or other commitments often turn up just before the game (e.g. 30 mins) and leave immediately after. So your game time would be about 2 hrs 15min plus travel. There is no way you need to commit 7 hours to a a game - that is just being selfish.

So? You let down the team and prioritise your wife who’s shitting through the eye of a needle.

londonmummy1966 · 26/11/2022 16:48

Well he'll be missing football EOW if you dump him won't he?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 26/11/2022 16:56

Truthlikeness · 26/11/2022 16:36

I'm a female without children who plays 11-a-side football - here's my perspective on this.

Sometimes you can let down the whole team if you drop out of the game at the last minute. If you only have 11 or 12 players, one drop out can make the difference between winning and losing. That said - we usually have 2-3 drop outs in the 24 hours before a game - which is why I try to have a full squad of 16. Not all teams are able to do this - my old team really struggled for players and one player dropping out made a big difference.

That said - female players with young children or other commitments often turn up just before the game (e.g. 30 mins) and leave immediately after. So your game time would be about 2 hrs 15min plus travel. There is no way you need to commit 7 hours to a a game - that is just being selfish.

The welfare of small children outweighs all of that ⏫

WorryMcGee · 26/11/2022 16:59

Oh I’m sorry OP that’s dreadful. He’s an arse. I’m ill at the moment (disgusting post chemo nausea) - third day in now so functioning but still feeling pretty rotten and we have a 7 month old. My DH (who works full time as well but hasn’t ever played that card even when he’s obviously extremely tired) wouldn’t even go to our next door neighbours last night to watch the football even though our baby was in bed, I was tucked up on the sofa with my plain toast and a bucket 😬 and I said he could go as he deserves a bit of downtime. He said he wouldn’t have enjoyed himself and we watched a film instead.

He is being extremely selfish and you are right to stand your ground on this one. How dare he raise his voice at you. Some of the men posted about on here make my blood boil.

Soothsayer1 · 26/11/2022 17:00

londonmummy1966 · 26/11/2022 16:48

Well he'll be missing football EOW if you dump him won't he?

maybe but I suspect he wont be missing any football, he'll put it above his children just like he does now

catandcoffee · 26/11/2022 17:03

What an arsehole he is. I'd go out of my way to give the fucker food poisoning, then leave him to suffer.

Sending you get well wishes OP.

Original poster
FoxyBloxy · 26/11/2022 17:03

Thanks again everyone for the support. Still feeling the same unfortunately. I am that angry at him I don’t even think I want him to come back.

@WorryMcGee That’s so nice of your DH, at least there are still some good ones out there! Hope everything is ok🤗

OP posts:
ColdHandsHotHead · 26/11/2022 17:05

I would honestly be hoping he's already caught it from you and passes it to the rest of the team.

GrubzUp · 26/11/2022 17:06

Wow, I'm shocked at this. What a selfish bastard. No thought for you, or for the well-being of his children.
I would have returned to bed and left him with no choice but to be in charge of the kids. I'm appalled that he went out and left you to it.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 26/11/2022 17:07

I would be making sure that if it is a stomach bug he gets it too. I’d use his toothbrush to wipe around the loo. (Yes I am that awful!).

If it isn’t something contagious I’d make sure I gave him laxatives in his food for a few days.

Once he is ill, I would leave him with the kids. (Aim to make it a day he has football too). He is a selfish, poor excuse for a partner and father. He deserves a really rough time of it.

Then I would be looking at my options.

piedbeauty · 26/11/2022 17:07

He's a selfish arsehole.

I hope you feel better soon.

MorningMeditation · 26/11/2022 17:09

He’s a shit OP. Of course he should stay home.

I hope you’re feeling better soon.

PinkSyCo · 26/11/2022 17:09

Moraxella · 26/11/2022 16:46

When he inevitably catches it in the next few days I suggest you repay the favour and do the world longest (solo) food shop

So the bloke gets to do his hobby and then go to the pub while the female gets to go food shopping? 😂

Palmtreedance · 26/11/2022 17:10

I would be making sure that if it is a stomach bug he gets it too. I’d use his toothbrush to wipe around the loo. (Yes I am that awful!)

Then so am I because this is exactly what I would do. He's scum and clearly doesnt give a crap about his partner or his kids. I'd also rub habanero sauce in the gusset of his underpants. Disgusting pig.

gamerchick · 26/11/2022 17:10

Wishihadanalgorithm · 26/11/2022 17:07

I would be making sure that if it is a stomach bug he gets it too. I’d use his toothbrush to wipe around the loo. (Yes I am that awful!).

If it isn’t something contagious I’d make sure I gave him laxatives in his food for a few days.

Once he is ill, I would leave him with the kids. (Aim to make it a day he has football too). He is a selfish, poor excuse for a partner and father. He deserves a really rough time of it.

Then I would be looking at my options.

As tempting as that maybe be to think, don't do it. If he's puking and shitting all over then he may not be tidy about it and it just increases the workload for the OP.

Also, spiking someone is assault I think.