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Original poster

AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

376 replies

Slutdrop · 25/11/2022 16:27

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

OP posts:
Bonniegirlie · 25/11/2022 16:36

I would not be happy with the noise when I was trying to work from home, I think that's unfair. If you're happy to clean up the mess (and it's not a mess that is ruining the carpets or furniture) then I don't see what his problem is with that. Regarding the supporting of your DS, if YOU are supporting him and not expecting your DH to partly support him, then he's not being reasonable. But if you're both supporting him then it would depend on whether you made that promise you had made to your children clear to your DH when you got married.

LemonTT · 25/11/2022 16:39

If you are married then your home should be his home too. That is what marriage means. I hope you haven’t been together long enough for him to make a claim against your home. Remember if you lived together before marriage it is taken into account.

If I was married to you I wouldn’t mind supporting the student son but only to a point. Most students can work and contribute. Ultimately you must want you son to be able to stand on his own two feet. I know I would be very annoyed by the disruption caused by your grandson when working. It would probably be a dealbreaker for me.

Obviously if is a choice then you pick your kids. But I don’t think he is wrong to expect consideration in his home. Your daughter doesn’t need to come to yours. You could visit her.

MichelleScarn · 25/11/2022 16:41

Do you wfh most days if your dd and dgs are round nearly every day? Is it all day?

openinggambit · 25/11/2022 16:43

I wfh, and there's no way I could cope with a noisy two year old in the house any days, let alone on a regular basis.

Is there any way you could go to hers to help? Or meet elsewhere?

Beees · 25/11/2022 16:43

I don't think he's unreasonable to expect his feels to be taken into consideration in his own home.

Your daughter coming every day is quote excessive to be fair why can't you go to hers some days?

Also does your son contribute to the household by doing household jobs or cooking if not he's taking the piss a bit to be honest.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 25/11/2022 16:44

Why can’t you go to your daughters home?

What do you contribute financially?

Frostine · 25/11/2022 16:45

I'm not saying it's acceptable for him to say he doesn't want your dd & dgs around regularly , but , could you go to her house instead ? He gets a quiet house , and you can play / help with looking after / do a bit of housework for her whilst she chills a little at home ?
With regard to your son , if it's your money being used to help out your son , can't see a problem .

GetThatHelmetOn · 25/11/2022 16:46

I’m with your husband on point 1, he needs to work and, I assume, keep his job and all that noise and mess might be jeopardising that. It is not unreasonable to ask for less or better times visits. Alternatively, you can visit your DD instead.

WRT to issue 2, your sim is not currently studying but even if he were, he needs to be contributing to the household expenses. How do you expect him to mature and be responsible if you are covering for him as if he was a child?

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 25/11/2022 16:46

Slutdrop · 25/11/2022 16:27

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

Your husband is right, your daughter needs to step up and grow up. No excuse for her to come round every day and take the piss. No excuse for you to run round after them both.

Chomolungma · 25/11/2022 16:47

Does your DH have to wfh or is it his choice? Could he go into the office more often (say 2 days a week)?

Regarding your son, I don't think you're being unreasonable but it partly depends on how money is split between you.

TeaAndJaffacakes · 25/11/2022 16:47

A compromise here would be :
He goes into the office more - maybe 50/50 on a predictable schedule.
Your daughter comes to yours on days he is at the office and you go to hers on the days he is wfh.
How much money will your Son have spare when he’s a student? Could he contribute something towards electricity and gas bills or towards food? Asking for rent is silly if he’ll be in a bad financial position because of it.

LadyKenya · 25/11/2022 16:49

Why not visit your daughter at her home, instead of her always coming to yours?

RudsyFarmer · 25/11/2022 16:50

I’m going to assume this is not your children’s father?

GetThatHelmetOn · 25/11/2022 16:50

Another question is, if you are spending so much on your son, does that mean that he has to cover for more of your expenses himself? He may be indirectly subsiding your son if that is the case even if your son’s money is coming from your purse.

For example, if he pays half of the bills and food, he is already subsidising another adult in the household even if he is not giving money to your son directly.

tsmainsqueeze · 25/11/2022 16:50

I can see your husbands point.

gamerchick · 25/11/2022 16:52

How do you manage your job if your daughter's around all the time?

If you're financially putting in the pot and don't want son too, then you could offer to tip more from your end to cover his costs.

If your husband has the total financial burden then you should listen to what his needs are. While I don't think a house should be silent when wfh as that's the trade off, it must be excruciating to have a SN toddler running all over. Can't you visit her on some days?

MolliciousIntent · 25/11/2022 16:53

I'm with your DH, sorry. Not acceptable to have a nosy toddler in your workspace, and your son should be contributing.

pictish · 25/11/2022 16:56

Hmm…not exactly sure I’d be that delighted with adult dd and noisy dgs hanging out in my home on the daily. I think you can compromise on that one anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/11/2022 16:57

When do you work?

If she needs help, and tbh every day is excessive, you need to go there. She can deal with the screaming and mess or go out or nap or whatever while you watch him.

Letting this go on in the house your husband is trying to work in is selfish and very unreasonable. He must be at the end of his rope. Anyone would be.

Is your son chipping in a decent amount at the moment? If not why not, he’s working not studying?

As upset as you may be I imagine your poor husband is torn between rage and despair. Give him a fucking break. If you want to spend all day with your grandson that’s fine but not in your shared home while he’s working. Don’t be daft.

Tomatoblush · 25/11/2022 16:58

A toddler screaming every day while trying to work from home would be my nightmare.
I can see why your husband is pissed off with it.
Hopefully you can come up with a compromise and go to hers sometimes at least.
Not enough information on the son situation to judge really. Maybe he could give at least something towards the heating or electricity bills.

gannett · 25/11/2022 17:00

Your husband is more than reasonable re: the toddler. I WFH and if DP is around then a certain amount of normal household noise is to be expected and perfectly fine but a screaming toddler almost every day? Absolutely not. It doesn't sound like you and your daughter are making any effort to keep him relatively quiet, either. That would drive me up the wall.

I'm not even a particularly tidy person but your willingness to clear up the mess isn't the point. When a toddler comes round and is let loose on my house I get anxious because I have no idea what damage they've done. I've found sentimental objects ripped apart and water poured over a printer before, and that's just from a few hours' visit from friends. Knowing that all of this could be happening in real time while you try to work is stressful.

I don't think you're necessarily in the wrong about your son's contributions - that depends on the nuances of the situation. What's the timeframe for your son staying at home and not contributing? How much does he contribute in terms of household chores, cooking etc? What's his relationship with your husband? Requesting a three-way discussion about the situation isn't unreasonable though. If you feel your decision is still correct you can make your case during that discussion, and talk through your husband's concerns.

Letthesunshineonin · 25/11/2022 17:01

I feel sorry for your husband. You are being very unreasonable.

Original poster
Slutdrop · 25/11/2022 17:02

I work for myself so I work when necessary, and am often at home for most of the day. I don't invite my dd round, she just turns up saying "I'm knackered" or something similar, so I feel bad and make them breakfast or lunch (depending what time they turn up) and try to help out with dgs. I try to contain him to the living room whenever possible.

OP posts:
gannett · 25/11/2022 17:02

Oh, and even if you're right about your son and have a stronger case for your grandson than you've told us (not that anything would justify it imo), neither of your husband's complaints are worthy of being called a cunt at all. Nowhere near.

NoSquirrels · 25/11/2022 17:03

If you wanted to continue to make all the decisions on how you live, why did you let a man move in and get married?

On the face of it, your DH isn’t unreasonable not to want to have a disruptive toddler and extra guests in his home every day whilst he’s working.

And it’s not unreasonable to say that an adult living in the household needs to contribute.

But on both points you need clear communication, mutual respect and a commitment to problem-solving and compromise. It sounds like that’s missing on both sides, from you AND your DH.