AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

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I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

There are lots of 23 year old at uni

Imagine trying to work whilst your grandson is slamming doors etc, I'd get stressed too! Was the free board and lodging a joint agreement or just yours? If you have joint finances then it's highly unfair for him to be supporting another working adult just because YOU offered to. Just sit down and explain that whilst he's earning, he needs to contribute and your daughter needs to learn to cope, her son will NOT get any easier as he gets bigger and she can't keep expecting you to carry her

Not a chance I would stop my kids coming round so my DH could work in peace. And yes, I do think some WFH is a big mistake.

If i was your DJ i would be well hacked off, he can't work in peace and your adult Son is a scrounger, 23 and not paying his way ! Why the hell should your Dh contribute to your son living the life of riley ?

I’m on your side but I can see why your DH is annoyed.

The thing is, you love your DH but I imagine you will always love your children more. So when you’re trying to help your children and he’s trying to stand in your way and make you put his needs first, that’s going to cause a lot of conflicted emotions for you. It sounds like it’s already causing you to dislike him and I can’t see this ending well because it’s difficult to love someone when you feel you’re being disloyal to your children.

As someone ND with ND kids, I’m glad you’re helping your DD so much. That’s so important for her.

Sorry, OP.

It's another vote for Team DH.

If it was HER 2 year old, and her DH was insisting that her and the 2 year old had to be silent, everyone would be insisting he goes to the office more often.

Well - yeah, obviously. As it’s a totally different scenario?

Why doesn't your daughter clean up after her son?

I think you need to find a compromise. If your dh hadn't had children it will difficult for him to have to deal with a toddler every day..I imagine he didn't sign up for that when he married you.

On your son. I understand your point but your son is making choices and should be considering finances and how he can contribute. He probadly gets a loan and can work. I think it would be much better for your son if he has a job and learns to budget by having to consider finances.

Yabu

Loves her DH, yet is on the internet calling him a cunt?

I’m on the DH’s side. Your adult kids sound like absolute pisstakers.

This might be a great solution. OP I think it's lovely you're so close to your DD and DGS and also that you help your DS who is in education - I love the idea of all that bustle of family life. But it can be very hard to mix WFH and family noise to be fair.

Also if you both contribute equally to the house, your adult son not contributing might make your DH feel very pressured financially so there might be a compromise to be made there.

But your DH is being bang out of order the way he is approaching this. I'd feel bullied too. Its a situation that needs compromise, discussion and communication.

Your DD doesn’t work. Fair enough! And spends her days at her mothers with her 2 year old. And then leaves the house in a real mess and for her mother to clean it up.

What are you doing all day with the pair of them? At that age… he should be out for a walk at least once a day, likely having a nap, another walk, soft play, toddler play group etc.

I imagine he’s restless and bored.

This is the problem with wfh. Your home can no longer be used as a home, it’s turned into an office where everyone had to be quiet..

I do think your daughter should clean up the mess from her child before she leaves. It’s not acceptable not to.

I think this is the only answer needed on this thread tbh.

Yeah, a young mum with a SN toddler who is struggling and needs her mum's support is such a pisstaker.

What is wrong with some of you?

Your daughter needs to clean up after her own child

Make clear to your daughter that she can't be coming over all the time as it disturbs DH who pays his way (presumably)

Figure out if DH can go to the office a bit more - but fine if he doesn't want to or can't

Either you're paying your DS's way from your own money, or he needs to contribute so your DH isn't forking out for him

Don't call your DH a cunt - really quite vile

Well WFH has worked for me for 14 years in houseshares and with a partner and the key is to actually respect the people you live with. Which means not stamping your foot and demanding silence at all times (if you're the one WFH) and not stamping your foot and saying a home is a home and you can make all the noise you want all the time, fuck anyone else who's there.

"No chance I would compromise so my partner, who presumably I love, can do their job" is not really a position you take against anyone you respect. So then the answer is to split up and be done with it.

This. And then you refer to your dh as a cunt on here when really he is completely justified. Your son is working NOW and should therefore contribute at least until he goes back to uni. It seems like this situation is all about you and your families ridiculous demands and sod what your husband thinks.

Oh and there was this exact scenario on Wife Swap USA or Oz. I forget which. And the daughters who were doing what your daughter is doing were firmly told they were being unreasonable and not to spend all their time at their mums for what was effectively free childcare.

I suggest if you want to stay married you listen to what your dh wants for once because most people would be massively unhappy with you over this

If your daughter and grandson were coming round 2/3 days a week for a couple of hours then fine. If it's an all day affair multiply times per week then no that's wrong he is working and they do not sound very respectful. I would too be pissed odd and wanting them to leave.
Also your adult son should be paying his way to a degree even in a minor way to help him learn

OP, you and your adult children are taking the p*ss

His first point is valid that if your grandson is too loud then he probably can't get his work done effectively. Could you go down to your dd's instead, that way he can work and you and dd have her place to yourselves.
In regards to your son, it depends on if you are supporting him alone or family money is supporting him.
How long have you been together?

I would personally make it a red line that my family welcome in my house end of. Good advice upstream re him going elsewhere sometimes and you going there sometimes. U have worked so long parenting over more than two decades. Don't let it go to cock now

She also should need a break most days from her own child this sounds like she needs further help and support. Why don't you go round to her house and help her there?

Everyone saying ‘it’s a home’, ‘why doesn’t he go into the office’, etc… it’s HIS home. Not just OP’s. He should be able to WFH in his own home (as many people do) without a screaming 2 year old and two ADULT step-children taking the piss, daily!

And to call him a c++t for trying to discuss problems to his wife about their shared home. Baffling.