AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

[Slutdrop]

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

What do you and your DH contribute financially Slutdrop ?

Well I've never actually noticed this before, You learn something new on here every day and I have plenty time to browse as I WFH

Both your children are exploiting you. They are not dependants, still at school; they are young adults, avoiding growing up.

What is wrong with your daughter's home? Support her to sort out her own living situation and/or relationship, so that she can care for her own child in her own home. You can always visit her there.

Your son should be contributing financially and practically to the household he is currently living in. You are doing him no favours allowing him to freeload off you and your husband.

Your husband is entitled to feel relaxed and respected in the home he shares with you, and to be able to work in peace. He has been overly accommodating to your DD and DS, and they are both abusing the privilege.

You sound like a doormat to your adult childen yet utterly uncaring of your husband's perfectly reasonable needs. Why are you married to him?

If you care about your marriage, you need to prioritise your relationship with your husband. Urgently. It's long past time to kick your very grown up children out into the world.

Good for You! I do WFH and absolutely DO take rent from my adult kids, I'm not a mug but each to their own.

Sorry I am with your DH here. It is totally unreasonable to expect him to put up with this.

@Ramble0n you can tell you’ve never WFH, you should try it some time, you might just enjoy it! Very apt username, too.

Totally agree with this. I think your husband is being reasonable, you're being unreasonable and your children need to learn to be adults.

I'm not a mug either. I happen to like my adult kids and my house is still their house, even when they leave home.

Everyone saying ‘it’s a home’, ‘why doesn’t he go into the office’, etc… it’s HIS home. Not just OP’s. He should be able to WFH in his own home (as many people do) without a screaming 2 year old and two ADULT step-children taking the piss, daily!

Totally agree @Fearneyox

And he might not be able to go into the office more, even if he wanted to. A lot of employers now have vastly reduced office space, and you take your turn.

A bit strong and disrespectful to call your DH a c**t, especially after only 2 years marriage so shouldn't be jaded by time.
Perhaps you're just spoiling for sympathy on here. I can see it's reasonable to not charge your son rent while at uni, but you say he's just started work and 23 - so what's he been doing the last 5 years, and has he been paying his way during that time? That might be what's irking your DH so he wants a meeting.
The daily noise level when he wfh is understandable - you might not mind, but he does which is the point and so you should compromise on that - could she come less often, or come outside work hours, or why not go to her instead daily?

Quite honestly Op, you seem to be forgetting that this is your home but also your DH's. You think it's OK to call him really objectable names just because he doesn't feel the same way as you- that's pretty bloody rude Op. If he was doing that to you MN would hand him his arse!
Your DS goes back to Uni soon so the money issue will come to an end anyway but can you not see from your DH's point of view- he's bottom of the pile, allowed to pay for your DS and your DD's meals but he gets no say in his own home? I imagine as your DC are adults he thought there would just be the two of you and now he's feeling invaded and taken advantage of. Your DD drops in every day because she knows you'll do everything, fine now and then, but she needs to learn to cope otherwise she'll be passing the buck to you for years.
I can't see this going anywhere good Op

Tbh I sympathise with your DH. Your daughter sounds like she’s taking advantage. Yes two year olds are tiring, but most people just put up with it, that’s parenting. For you to help out a few times a week would be reasonable, you could take your DGS out somewhere. Every day is excessive, and for her to just pitch up uninvited, so you can sort lunch and entertain DGS is taking the piss. If I were your DH I’d be absolutely fuming about that. Your adult DS also needs to pay his way when at uni. Most uni students will pay for their own living expenses, either via a loan or part-time work. It’s not unreasonable for your DH to ask for a contribution from him. It’s one thing to say you’ll not expect your children to pay for living costs whilst in full time education when you pay all the bills, but if you have a partner who is also paying the bills, you can’t expect them to sub your son. Unless you’re earning shed loads, and can fund him yourself, by paying for both your own and your son’s share of expenses, then I think your DH has a very valid point.

A lot of offices are also full of tumbleweed and hardly anyone there. 🙄

There's got to be a compromise here.

I think it's pretty foul of him to expect OP to turn away her daughter with her SN toddler when she needs support.

What's the set-up at home? Does he have a room he's using? Can it be soundproofed?

I agree with this.

What about the Childs Father, you know the other parent? If Anything He should be supporting. I'm just waiting for the drip feed of her dd is there most days because her husband is WFH and cant cope with the noise.

Now insinuating people who charge their adult children rent somehow dislike them? Are you drunk @Ramble0n ? Hehe

What about the Childs Father, you know the other parent? If Anything He should be supporting. I'm just waiting for the drip feed of her dd is there most days because her husband is WFH and cant cope with the noise.

This!

I think having a 3-way conversation with your adult son about finance is an completely fair request.

As is asking that when working from home, your husband gets a set uninterrupted chunk of time without screaming children in the background.

His ultimatum is childish, but he’s probably frustrated that you aren’t applying any discipline or rules to either adult child, leaving him to play bad cop. I appreciate the emotional effects of the menopause and that you want to avoid confrontation. But the longer you avoid slightly tricky conversations, the worse the blow-up will be if they’re left to fester.

Generally I'm with your DH but a but a bit thrown that it wasn't discussed before cohabiting, at least the part re your adult DC.

Of course the child's father should be supportive, but if he isn't, and he isn't, then you can either leave your daughter to struggle or you help out, don't you? Because there's a toddler with possible ADHD and autism right there, and his struggling mum, right there, in front of you, needing you.

I think as a mother you may be bias and blindsided to the issues your DH sees. You are married so the home is both of yours, and you both have equal responsibility. I would also find it annoying if I was trying to WFH and there was noise. This actually reminds me of my MIL situation, my MIL is a very messy person and her son is loud and messy also so doesn't bother cleaning after him and leaves it down to her mum. This caused arguments between my MIL and her DH, they are unfortunately divorced now because things just build up. Regarding your son, it's a tricky one he is 23 but I guess while he is at uni he could be saving up at least and not just getting everything handed for free. My last point, these are your kids and not your DH so unfortunately he will never see them the way you do and feel the way you do. You need to find a common ground with your DH also.

In which case op should 'support' her dd in her dd's home.

I agree with your DH I'm afraid but can see how you can compromise. All those saying why can't DH just go back to the office. That's not always an option as offices often don't exist anymore.

Can you go to your DD's house when your DH is working? The supporting of your DS is great as long as you're not expecting your DH to support him too.

Are you 12?

I think that’s a little bit unfair. Presumably he didn’t know the destructive/noisy 2 year old would be round daily. I think the OP’s daughter is inconsiderate and shouldn’t be dropping in without warning. Why doesn’t OP go to hers?

Saying that, I think the DH could go into the office more if it isn’t a silly distance away.

Unless the ds is doing something very full on like medicine, there’s no reason he can’t work part time.