AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

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I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

@EmmaAgain22 yes i have and I still think op is enabling her dc to act like spoilt brats! If she supported her dh it would have been for visa reasons and was 100% her choice. He is now working and trying to contribute yet this is being made difficult by having a loud pita toddler in the house all day every day!

You must be getting very very little work done if you’re honest.

if my DD said she felt suicidal, we would be at the GP that afternoon. What have you done?

but honestly OP - your daughter needs to start carving out a life for herself and her son. And your focus needs to be that. To help her organise her home-life better so that it’s clean and tidy for a start. Encourage her to get a part time job. Start looking at nurseries with her.

This is utterly ridiculous, I'm sorry! If she's depressed, what is she doing about it? Why don't you go to hers instead?

She's been given antidepressants and is waiting for 'talking therapy' so I'm hopeful that will do her good.

But you OP… you!!

what are you doing other than just enabling her to continue along this route of essentially existing rather than living.

Help her at home. Help her build a home for her and her son. Help her organise and clean and tidy. Look at nurseries with her. Encourage her to study or work part time.

I'm exhausted tbh. I try my best but I'm very tired (physically and mentally)
But you're right. I'll get onto it today and see if I do something to help.

I think that's a lot to put on you - you can't chivvy or encourage someone out of depression.

And often if you try they'll pull away or dig their heels in.

Jeezo, talk about putting it all on the Op!

Her DD is a fully grown woman, with a child of her own, and a house of her own. When does hands on mothering get to stop? Op sounds as though she is early 50's? When does she get to kick back, and think about herself?

Sadly, given that her DD has mentioned suicide, the Op's hands are now somewhat tied, because what mother could step back a bit at this point, given the risks and threats? Absolutely heart breaking position for the Op to be in, somewhat trapped into always being readily available and on call, when most women would like to start thinking about finally putting themselves first, after 30 or so years, of always being last on the heap.

Oh I'm not defending the PITA toddler situation.

but given the DH lived off the OP and now has his visa, I think there's far more to worry about than what OP put in her post.

also, if the OP paid for her DH for years, I can see why her DC might expect that from her too. Not saying it's right, but there it is.

Christ, what the fuck is wrong with people on this thread, describing a non-verbal SN toddler as a pain in the arse and OP's suicidal dd as a pisstaker?!

It's like compassion is switched off at the words WFH.

And yet a man who makes a reasonable request to be able to work without a toddler screaming in the background and turning his house into a shit tip (which his wife then has to clear up because the mother of the child can't be arsed to) and who objects to having to financially support another adult man who is earning his own money is a c*?

100% this. What is wrong with these people.

I would not let an man come between me and my kids.

No the compassion is switched off because the OP is committing the unforgivable sin of inconveniencing a man to support her children.
The posters are either men, or women who think that the first priority in life is to keep a man happy so he doesn't leave.
In the real world, most people would agree this guy has had more than a good deal from the OP already, and that supporting her in her wish to help her children (or at a minimum not obstructing her) is the very least he can do.

I'm afraid I'm with your husband on this. Your kids are taking the piss. And I speak as someone when adult children.

Having read more of the thread I think your DH is a cocklodging cunt who wants the kids alienated from their mum so he can have their inheritance. Also he does not like your pets after five years of living off you - he is not just a cunt he is a fucking cunt. Kick him out - he will get a slice of your money now, rather than a lot more later. You are right to support your kids - he does not want any money spent on them so there will be all the more for him - greedy rat.

Absolutely!

I don't like the sound of this man AT ALL.

He's trying to drive a wedge between you and your children.

He has nothing good to say about either of them.

Now he has security he thinks he has free reign to call the shots.

A three-way discussion? No fucking way!

Absolutely! How dare he? The wfh issue is real but could be worked around. What mother though could push away her child after they mentioned suicidal thoughts?

The audacity of this man whom you supported financially for 5 years to object to your doing the same for your OWN SON is just staggering! Anyway how much does he actually ‘cost’? Food, bit of heat and light? Plus why does he think he can object to your pets after all this time?! And to threaten to stop paying his way after how you paid his all those years is atrocious! You were right in your OP. He is an utter cunt!

He's not very caring, if he's lived with your animals for 5 years and now resents them.

The drawn out drip feed from the OP hasn't had it easy to formulate a response. Each new bit of information puts a different slant on it.

Starting to think that’s the point…….

Yes, there's been drip feeding. But at the very beginning of this thread I dared to suggest that her DH was being a bit of a plonker and got a lot of outraged responses.

OP - your attempt to be fair and not bring in all the background was laudable. But unfortunately, misses the point. Your DD is struggling. Whether or not she's doing the right things to help herself, Ic oudlnt' say. But no mother is ever going to watch her dd struggle and not do whatever she can to help. And frankly, your DH sounds like every child free person under the age of 40 - lots and lots of opinion based on a big fat F+++ All.

Thankyou!

Tbf this is mumsnet and these are two conditions this site is fucking atrocious towards.