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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

376 replies

Slutdrop · 25/11/2022 16:27

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

OP posts:
HarvestThyme · 25/11/2022 17:03

Your ds: YANBU if it is your money supporting him. Tell dh this is between you and ds, and not his business.

Your dd and dgs: If dd needs support with dgs, set a reasonable time for her to come to your place, or you go to hers. She should not be there with a screaming toddler during work hours while dh has to wfh.

itsgoodtobehome · 25/11/2022 17:04

I absolutely would not want a 2yo banging and screaming around the house while I was trying to work. You need to set some boundaries with your daughter and respect your DH's workspace.

thesugarbumfairy · 25/11/2022 17:04

I agree with your DH I'm afraid. Me and my DH both work from home, and even his annoying habit of having the tv or radio in the background drives me nuts. A toddler would be much, much worse.

Undisclosedlocation · 25/11/2022 17:05

Sounds like you want everything your own way tbh. Very unreasonable.
it’s your OHs home too, why doesn’t he get a say in anything?

NoSquirrels · 25/11/2022 17:05

He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself)

I mean, this isn’t unreasonable. Is it?

Lunificent · 25/11/2022 17:08

I can see all of the points your husband has made are valid. However, I get the impression you’re unhappy with him as you say you feel free on the day he works in the office. Are you questioning whether you want to remain married to him or are these the only issues in an otherwise happy marriage?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2022 17:11

It's amazing that you think it's acceptable for your grandson to be screaming in the house when your husband is working. Of course it isn't.

As for your son, who is paying the majority of the bills? If your husband is bankrolling your son, I can understand his irritation. Your son is 23, he needs to make money, whether in school or not.

Spookypig · 25/11/2022 17:11

I think a23 year old man needs to contribute financially to the family household and not expect to live off of other adults, yes. And I think you and your daughter need to be more respectful if your husband works from home. Can’t you visit her at hers?

overnightangel · 25/11/2022 17:13

If I was him I’d run a mile, it sounds like an absolutely hellish way for him to live.i hope he sees this thread and sees sense and leaves

GerbilsForever24 · 25/11/2022 17:13

I'm a little surprised by all the comments saying that a 2 year old around while her DH works from home is not okay. If it was HER 2 year old, and her DH was insisting that her and the 2 year old had to be silent, everyone would be insisting he goes to the office more often.

On your DS, I think that really depends on the family. But if he only moved in and you only got married fairly recently, why didn't you discuss this before? Reading between the lines it sounds to me like he has moved into your family home and that you are paying most of the bills? Either way, when you married, did you make it clear what you expect to happen for your children in your home?

monsteronahill · 25/11/2022 17:15

I'm totally on your husbands side here and think you sound totally unreasonable!

"He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself)"

This sounds like a reasonable adult attitude 🤷🏻‍♀️ what's your alternative?

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 17:15

I think you should encourage your daughter to carve out more of an independent life for herself rather than visiting you every day.

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 17:15

But in answer to your question. I’m with your DH

Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2022 17:15

I'm a little surprised by all the comments saying that a 2 year old around while her DH works from home is not okay. If it was HER 2 year old, and her DH was insisting that her and the 2 year old had to be silent, everyone would be insisting he goes to the office more often.

This is not the daughter's and grandson's home. What is so difficult to understand here?

Boooooot · 25/11/2022 17:18

completely on your husbands side I’m afraid!

Citycentre3 · 25/11/2022 17:19

Just another example of why step families just fundamentally don't work. He is forcing you to basically choose between him or your daughter, and I suppose because you hood winked him by being a cougar it will inevitably be him, which is so sad for your daughter and grandson.

AriettyHomily · 25/11/2022 17:19

I'm with your husband. 💯

Citycentre3 · 25/11/2022 17:20

AriettyHomily · 25/11/2022 17:19

I'm with your husband. 💯

Just awful!

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 17:20

GerbilsForever24 · 25/11/2022 17:13

I'm a little surprised by all the comments saying that a 2 year old around while her DH works from home is not okay. If it was HER 2 year old, and her DH was insisting that her and the 2 year old had to be silent, everyone would be insisting he goes to the office more often.

On your DS, I think that really depends on the family. But if he only moved in and you only got married fairly recently, why didn't you discuss this before? Reading between the lines it sounds to me like he has moved into your family home and that you are paying most of the bills? Either way, when you married, did you make it clear what you expect to happen for your children in your home?

@GerbilsForever24

Goodness - posters advice would change if…. The OP was different? Yes

category12 · 25/11/2022 17:20

I think it's great that you're such a good granny.

I think if someone came on here and said "I really struggle with my toddler, and often go round to my mum's for support, but now her new husband is saying not to come round so much", it'd be a bit of a different reaction on here.

I'd speak to your dh about him maybe going into the office a bit more, or improving/soundproofing his workspace at home, so he isn't as bothered when you have them over.

I'd be horrified to have to tell my dd not to come round as often. Nope.

Autumflower · 25/11/2022 17:21

So they are not his kids by blood then ..
in which case he’s a controlling twat .
So he stops paying his share and your funding everyone nice.
id be doing the same as you op ,I’d be supporting my daughter as you are ,and supporting my son as you are .
difference being my dh would be on board also supporting both son and daughter

IrmaGord · 25/11/2022 17:22

Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2022 17:15

I'm a little surprised by all the comments saying that a 2 year old around while her DH works from home is not okay. If it was HER 2 year old, and her DH was insisting that her and the 2 year old had to be silent, everyone would be insisting he goes to the office more often.

This is not the daughter's and grandson's home. What is so difficult to understand here?

Agreed.

@Citycentre3 the kids aren't little children. They're adults, one of whom has her own family and, I presume, house. It's not unreasonable for the DH to want to work in peace.

kingtamponthefurred · 25/11/2022 17:22

I think you need to set some boundaries with your adult children.

mcmooberry · 25/11/2022 17:23

I would the toddler mess and noise annoying so don't think your DH is being remotely unreasonable about that. Could you maybe take them out to softplay or something so they're not always in the house? Re you son, if he's only working for a few months then fair enough as long as you are covering his entire costs.

mcmooberry · 25/11/2022 17:23

would find