AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

[Slutdrop]

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

Whose house was it originally @Slutdrop? Do you split things 50:50 or have separate incomes? If you're splitting equally, I can see he may feel disgruntled supporting your DS. Can he go into work more often?

Has your DD always come over so often or is it just since she has had a toddler? 2 year olds can be pretty challenging so would think there's room for compromise.

What's your relationship like besides your DC? Do you feel like you're walking in eggshells salt other things or is it just the work issue?

Sorry but you are being really unreasonable not to put your foot down with your DD, it's not fair on your DH having a toddler screaming and slamming doors while he is trying to work.
Is it your DS, in which case you can fund him but unfair expectioning your DH to.
If its both your DS then you should have discussed with your DH.

IMHO @Slutdrop , how you relate and what you do with your kids (even as adults) is your business. If he can't handle it he can bugger off.

If you feel like having a party when he fucks off because you can breathe, I think that gives you an indication of how you might want to move forward.

It's his home, yes. Not an office.

I'd get rid of the cunt and do what I like with my kids and grandkids.

sounds to me as if the relationship you have with your children is incompatible with cohabiting with your husband?
This seems a bit weird:
'He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either'
As if they are both children 'if he wont tidy his room why should I!' kind of thing?

Sounds like he might have a better life if she did so yeah op, take this advice.

I think both you and your DH are BU.

The DD and noisy toddler turning up unannounced and uninvited while your DH is trying to WFH is a valid moan. You both need to come up with a better solution. A quiet room for DH to work from away from the child. Or go out the house with your DD and the child instead of inviting them in. Or DD calls you and you go to theirs.

On supporting your 23yr old DS financially. I think that is your choice, but equally you cannot expect your DH to contribute to these expenses. He has a choice as he’s not DS’ father. If that means you pay 2/3rds of the utility bills and food shop, so be it.

A better life? He could perhaps find another doormat to control.

Thanks for your reply, and you're right, I shouldn't be calling him disrespectful names. I suppose I'm just at the end of my tether and lashing out, trying to please 3 people but actually pleasing none of them.

I'd be annoyed if any visitor was making a noise whilst I'm trying to work.
As others have said, go to DD's house.
A 23 year-old not paying his way? He's taking the piss.

So far it's impossible to tell as so much depends on variables.

Is it your house he moved into ?

Is there a mortgage/rent to be paid.

Does your DH contribute to that

Who pays the bills ?

Do you contribute equally + your sons share of the utilities ? Because if it's 50/50 then he is subsidising your son.
(My DDs always paid a minimum of £100 per month when on long break (summer hols and gap year because they could all work )

Is your son 'going back' for a masters .. having completed his degree .. ?

Same with your DD.. is she at hers to save in electric at hers ? And your DH contributing to costs. ?

Unless we know the answers to this we cannot possibly know if he is being a knob or a complete saint to put up with this !

The only controlling people are the op and her disrespectful kids.

You haven’t grasped the concept of working from home, then? Never heard of a home office? Instead of wondering why on earth the OP is being so unreasonable, you’re going to split hairs over this very basic concept 🤣

Your husband sounds like a lodger in his own home, I feel sorry for him, your daughter and grandchild basically live in your house apart from sleeping there, you feed them and they cause noise and mess while he is trying to work and you don’t take any money from your 23 year old son either, no wonder he is completely pissed off, his home is invaded every single day and it’s costing money on top of all that. Your adult children need to start acting like adults, stop mollycoddling the pair of them.

I think this poster has at some point been made to go back to the office, I cant see why she would be so bitter about someone working from home.

Your daughter is taking the piss. Sorry. She’s using you for free childcare and food. When I WFH I can’t even tolerate the radio going in another room so I’m completely on your DH’s side.

Even though he may be paying all the rent/mortgage and all bills ??

No one can comment until we know some facts !

I don't agree with most of these responses!

Op's home isn't an office - it is a home!
Where about is he working? Does he have a separate room or is he sat in the corner of the living room?

Can't he go into the office more often?

If OP can provide some support to her daughter & grandson that is great! She isn't asking him to tidy up after them!

The son contributing is a bit more of a grey area . I think he should have contributed something while he was working but not necessarily when he goes back to Uni.

What is your husband like generally OP? Is he kind & supportive? Do his fair share of chores?

I couldn’t WFH with a toddler screaming. But I also see your DD’s pov bringing her toddler for a break.

Is there room/finance for a garden work pod?

You and DH want what you want, neither is BU per se - but your wants are incompatible.

WFH means neither of you have enough space mentally or physically to do what you both want to do during the day.

I assume that poster is part of the very vocal and very extreme minority with an anti-WFH agenda. They parrot the same phrases and shoehorn it in wherever possible. The audacity of trying to make it a patriarchal issue on a thread full of women saying they want to have decent conditions to WFH in was eyebrow-raising.

You need to set some boundaries with your adult kids, especially your daughter.

You and DH both work - she can't expect to just turn up and be fed and entertained for several hours a day, several days a week. If she needs help, she needs to call you and arrange to come over when it's convenient, or see if you can go to hers instead.

As for your DS, I think as long as your DH isn't expected to support him financially, it's up to you whether you charge him rent or not. Lots of adult children live home and don't pay any rent. But maybe you could take some money each month and give it back to him when he leaves for a deposit or similar?

@QueueEtwo Op's home isn't an office - it is a home!

Some, many people’s, are both.

This poster has never WFH. Nor would I want too. If I did though I wouldn't expect the rest of my family to sit in silence because of my oh so important job.

Here's another thing to twist your knickers over. I never took any money of my grown up kids either.