AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

[Slutdrop]

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

Your house is your home. Not an office. If he wants a quiet office perhaps he should go back out to work.

Does he assume all home life should stop so he can WFH?

Your husband is right.

YABU - sounds like a chaotic situation and I feel for your husband who is trying to maintain his job in the midst of constant noise and mess. If he posted I’d be encouraging him to end the relationship quite honestly. I think he could probably do better.

And yes he does sound like a cunt.

I’m with your husband, sorry. You seem to have raised two children who are unable to function as independent adults. I can’t believe you don’t expect your 23 year old to contribute. 23 for god sake!!!

It doesn’t sound like you particularly respect him either. Your post title says it all.

I have no pearls of wisdom I’m afraid (sorry not much help!) but just wanted to send you a virtual hug as you seem a bit stressed out. Also I completely understand you looking out for your children xx

Soooooo your daughter turns up, announcing that she's 'knackered', and you pick up the slack that her partner should be dealing with? Your DGS is going round, slamming doors, causing havoc and 1. She's not dealing with that from her child and you're not either while 2. Your DH, who's presumably lives there and contributes to the bills, is trying to work

I'm not surprised he's fucked off, I would be too.
You're enabling both of your ADULT DC, your daughter is taking the piss and using you as childcare to the detriment of your house, your relationship and your DH's working environment.
You've barely mentioned your child who is studying but I see no reason they can't get a job and contribute to the household that is supporting them.

This is a very sensible solution from TeaAndJaffacakes. What do you think op?

I see both sides of this. You are both allowed to feel how you do, so a compromise must be made. The majority of answers here favour your dh's position so you need to compromise and visit your DD at her place a bit more, your son has to contribute (either financially or in kind by doing chores) and your DH has to work in the office a bit more.

And sorry, I know you are feeling hormonal and upset, which isn't pleasant at all, but I do think YABVU calling your DH a little bit of a c+++t. Even in jest it's really disrespectful. I know it's an anonymous forum but would you like it if he called you that on sm? I suspect that if you are calling him that then there are more difficulties between you than you are describing here. Once mutual respect has gone, then there isn't much left.

He certainly doesn’t. He sounds like a man who’s fed up, stressed out and exhausted.

All hail the mighty man WFH.

This.

It's a home and it's ridiculous to expect OP to tell her family not to come round because he can't work in peace. he can go into the office, or they can try to improve his workspace, but his work shouldn't dictate what goes on in their joint home.

All the cliches from the anti-WFH crew who don't understand it's here to stay and don't understand that people don't have to go "out to work" in order to be at work.

Did he move into your family home? That’s bound to set up a tricky dynamic.

I agree with your DH. YABU.

Your son is an adult. He's capable of contributing. If you can afford to contribute more to compensate for your son that's up to you.
Your DD needs to understand it's not her home. If she's struggling you go to her every other day or something if you want to help.

Definitely on team DH for this one.

I think he might have a point. You must be struggling to structure your own working life too if your DD and DGS come round so frequently?
On the matter of your DS, it depends how your finances are structured. As long as your DH isn't subsidising him then he shouldn't have an issue.

Toddlers can be noisy but they don’t tend to scream non stop for eight hours a day.

does he have kids of his own? Has he ever had experience of being around toddlers before?

TBH unless if he is working from home, he should be in a room with the door shut. He could wear headphones when he is on a call. You should still be able to use your home. If you think he is just making a fuss then I would tell him to sod off.

Financially it depends on how you and he have set up your finances and how well off you are. If you are very comfortable then I would say it is up to you. If not then I could see his point.

It seems like he resents your children and I think this is a problem when you start up a new relationship. For you, you will support and help your kids without question. For him they are just random adults. You need to decide how you feel about your dh telling you how to relate to your own children. Is this OK with you?

Then you need to make it clear.

DH is working from home Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - you can not bring dg here - if you want help I can come to yours on Monday 12-2 and Wednesday we can meet for a coffee in town at 11 am - also I need to to clear up when round at mine after dg and if you make a mess. Dh is in the office Friday so you can come 10-2 on the basis I do and clear up lunch but you tidy up after dh.

regarding university a degree is 3 years 18-21 why isn’t he paying at 23 and why hasn’t he been paying while working?

Sorry I meant she must tidy up after her child got my dog and dh mixed up! 😂

It's here to stay, but the person WFH needs to accept that children and grandchildren continue to exist and deserve to get on with life. If you can't carve out a decent quiet workspace in the home that doesn't dominate the rest of the household then you need to go to the office.

Your Dh is right.
Your son needs to contribute a small amount to the household bills.
Your daughter needs to grow up and start being a mother and finding some groups to take her child to and also kick her own lazy partner into touch.
You need to stop mothering them so much, you aren't doing your kids any favours enabling this behaviour. It might end up costing you your marriage in the long term.

Sounds like there are 4 Cunts in this situation and none of them are your DH IMO.

And before anyone jumps at my math I mean her SIL not GC.

I hope you haven’t been together long enough for him to make a claim against your home. Remember if you lived together before marriage it is taken into account.

@Slutdrop - I assume this is your home that you purchased and paid for before you got married?

In which case I hope you ringfenced it with appropriate legal documentation.

If not, I would see a solicitor as a matter of urgency. The longer you leave it, the greater the risk of your home becoming part of joint marital assets.