Really need advice on social services and midwife

[Colee321]

My partner and I attended our 12 week appointment during which the midwife took an interest in my personal life and had asked if I had been I foster care previously I said yes which was from ages 4-7 I'm worried as apparently I might be flagged to social services now even though I'm 28 now! I'm also concerned about my father in law who hasn't had any convictions but was previously investigated for being innapropiate with a 12 year old girl,taking photos of underage women amongst other things should I mention this to my midwife and could this affect my baby even though he hasn't been convicted and he will never be left unsupervised ever with our baby

I mean I think your right I wouldn't want him near my baby either and If your partner isn't for listening tell your midwife and get something documented you are uncomfortable with it and say you have your reservations I would

By engaging with SS, asking them to pursue Sarah''s Law & any other access to disclosure, or reference to the investigations FiL has apparently been subject to.

Her partner would at least be contacted, interviewed, & assessed.
If SS had concerns, they would then work toward challenging his access rights.

DONT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. PLEASE. He cannot have access and cannot expose your child to a peadophile if you keep him off the birth certificate

And to add if I knew my partners father was like this I would be with him or want anything to do wi a family like this! Why would you??

I'll get slammed for this but at 12 weeks it isn't too late to "consider your options"

You’re in a very very difficult situation here. What is your partners reasoning for contact? Does he not believe his father is a sex offender? Or does he think he is, but because of his loyalty still wants to keep some form of contact?

If he doesn’t believe it then you’re in an even worse position, if he does believe he’s a sex offender you can at least attempt to reason with him for no contact.

The problem with any form of contact is it’s a slippery slope, if it’s okay for your father in law to have contact because according to the whole family and your partner he’s innocent and poses no danger, then it will be okay for cuddles, then it will be okay if your partner just nips out to the kitchen or toilet leaving FIL alone with your child. Are you willing to speak up and refuse grandad cuddles with your child in front of the whole family (and your child) who think there’s no reason why he shouldn’t and explain why? Do you think your partner is going to follow your agreed rule that your child can’t be alone with grandad even for a few minutes when he goes to the toilet or kitchen? That your partner ever can’t take your child to see grandad without you? That Nan and grandad can’t babysit your child for a few hours alone?

Remember that you will not just be going against your partner here, you will be battling against a whole family who will be pushing for this and will be highly offended by your very reasonable explanation that you don’t trust your FIL because he’s a paedophile.

It’s an emotive subject and you’re dealing with a whole family of deniers and enablers, supervised contact for the next 18+ years meaning he is never ever alone with your child and never has any physical contact with them is going to be impossible if your partner has a relationship with them and sees them regularly. Kids are innocent and won’t understand that they can’t go up to grandad and have a cuddle.

The only realistic option here to guarantee your child’s safety is no contact. I would advise you to try to get your partner on board with this as there is a big risk with expecting the court or SS to protect your child as your FIL has no convictions. Leaving your partner off the birth certificate only buys you time, if he is determined enough he can prove paternity with a DNA test and gain access. I would try to get your partner on board and speak to social services about your concerns. Going along with this supervised contact plan is not realistic and puts your child at great danger.

How will you stop this man having unsupervised contact with your baby, if your baby’s father and his family are in denial. It wouldn’t surprise me that when you give birth, the pressure will ramp up about contact.

I grew up with a relative who was never convicted and the wider family’s priority was not rocking the boat and as a result, innocent childhoods were marred by having to dodge his ‘attention’ hands whenever he was in town, urgh!

I'm going to say to my midwife about my concerns and contact a solicitor to see if there's anything I can legally.

Leaving your partner off the birth certificate only buys you time, if he is determined enough he can prove paternity with a DNA test and gain access.

But would he bother?
His style, like that of his family, is to ignore unpleasantness. Keep quiet for an easy life. Pretend nothing is wrong.

I'd be leaving him off the birth cert. & scarpering to Address Unknown in this situation. It would be hard, but way less hard than 18 years of fending off a nonce & his enablers.

I don't have any contact with his family even when his mum found out I was pregnant she was giving off that I wouldn't come in to see them. I love my partner I know that he is aware of the things his dad have done I just think he's trying to keep some kind of contact supervised will be safe. I won't be aborting my child at any cost especially not because of them.

I do think it is idiotic to move across the country to stall him gaining contact when he will get it eventually anyway I don't see the point in that and that's my opinion your entitled to yours professional or not I won't be doing it and don't plan on running away from this either I don't think it solves anything. Yes I will speak to my midwife and see what she suggests and work with ss. Yes I'm very much prepared to do all of that to ensure my child isn't harmed.

No experience with the FIL thing, but actual experience with the social services referral. I’m adopted and it came up during my booking appointment. I wish it hadn’t. It took me months to get it removed from my file. Social services called me and said they would be involved. It was a red mark on my file at every hospital appointment. I’m sure I was treated differently because of it.

Social Services explained to me that children that have been in care are much more likely to abuse their own children. So they had to keep my case open for the safety of my unborn baby.

I am a good, loving mother with a beautiful home, a wonderful husband, a fantastic stable job and not so much as a speeding ticket.

I resolved it by refusing to go to any more appointments. I DNA’d 2 check ups and eventually a midwife came to my house unannounced. She asked if everything was okay and I explained that I couldn’t keep accessing care if I was going to be treated like a criminal. They begrudgingly removed the red mark and I continued with my pregnancy as normal.

The week that SS rang me and explained that I’m a risk to my own baby was the same week that Arthur Labinjo-Hughes was found dead…. SS are a waste of fucking space.

As an aside, agree with other posters that you should keep FIL away. As I’m sure you will know.

Congratulations on your gorgeous pregnancy!xxx

That's good, i hope any authorities involved will do their jobs properly. As PP says, I don't think I'd actually put him on the birth certificate.

@Colee321 if social services get involved and your partner is providing access between fil and your child they will place your child on the child protection register FROM YOUR PARTNER. The fil is actually irrelevant, if one parent is allowing a child to have contact with anyone who is viewed as unsafe even without that person having a conviction that is enough for that child to be seen by social services as being at risk of abuse. Social services can then take your partner to court and argue that he needs to have supervised contact with his child because he can't be trusted not to give fil access. I've seen this happen multiple times in my line of work (i work in childrens safeguarding). The question here is whether or not you'll be tied in with your partner if this happens or if you'll have been the person who took preventative steps and got social services involved because you recognised the dangers and parented accordingly. I would sit your partner down and tell him that under no circumstances is your child to be around fil and if you find out that they have been then you will contact social services and report your concerns for your child's safety. Be crystal clear with him and tell him that you've been given advice from multiple social workers. I would explain to him that they will view that as him failing to protect your child and he may end up being limited to supervised contact and it will spell the end of your relationship (because social workers will basically give you that ultimatum.) What he then chooses to do is up to him and you can't force him to make the right choices, but you CAN get the right people involved to back you up and help you keep your child safe. If he sides with his family then OP, you dodged a bullet because he isn't ready to do what he needs to, to be a reliable father to your child and partner to you. By saying nothing he is effectively complicit in his father's abuse and while I'm sure fil is also abusive in some ways to the family and has a lot of control there, your partner is old enough to make his own way and go nc to protect his family which he should be seeing as you and baby. You are supposed to be his priority now.

I do think it is idiotic to move across the country to stall him gaining contact when he will get it eventually anyway I don't see the point in that and that's my opinion your entitled to yours professional or not

You talk like it's a fait accompli that he will 1) pursue access 2) be granted it.
You can't know that.
Nobody can, until SS have done some digging & established what is/is not on FiL's file.

This attitude you have, of considering expert opinion "idiotic" is not going to go well for you once midwife & SS start raising concerns.
Because what it boils down to isn't that you have to allow your partner to let FiL see your child. It's that you don't want to challenge him - so it's easier for you to persuade yourself that he would "be allowed to anyway" than risk losing your relationship. To go along with his crazy idea that supervised access (you don't appear to know what this means btw - it doesn't mean supervision by you or your partner) is going to be ok.

If you asked your partner to choose between you & his child, or FiL - who would he choose?

Definitely speak to your midwife about this. To give you some perspective about how SS approaches situations like this. When we were first told about step-FIL’s child sexual offences, it was 2nd hand knowledge. Someone in the family told Dh and we had no proof it had ever happened. I put in a request via Sarah’s Law and the police safeguarding officer got in touch to say that they wouldn’t release any information about his offences because we’d already vaguely been told he may be a risk to children.

BUT she said that because we believed he could be a risk based on what someone else had told us, that the responsibility was now ours to safeguard our dc. If we allowed contact and our dc came to harm, SS would get involved and we would be at risk of having them removed because we didn’t prevent contact when we knew there was a potential risk, even when we had no proof at the time. You’ve been in care yourself. It sounds like from what you said, you’ve been abused, and so has your partner’s brother at the very least having had to witness this child being abused.

You don’t want that for your dc.Time to put your big girl pants on because you have the choice (really, you do) to make sure this cycle that’s torn through both your families for generations, absolutely stops with you.

There can be specific orders made that he does not allow any contact with the child.

But you're too busy trying to excuse your boyfriend delivering his father some fresh meat over the next decade to accept that. So I guess we'll have to wait for the next thread where you're trying to stop the baby being removed from you at birth and the cycle repeating itself with another generation.

I don't think social services have a right to insist on access unless someone is a danger which is evidenced by a conviction.

This is inaccurate. Danger isn’t evidenced by a conviction - the burden of proof is very different in safeguarding processes and works on a balance of probability ie on balance is this person safe enough to have access to this child. Criminal conviction requires proof beyond reasonable doubt, which is a much higher threshold.

Social worker assess to a risk of significant harm, it could be argued that someone who has been investigated to offences against children presents a risk of significant harm. The OPs partner not believing his dad is potentially harmful reduces the level of protection available to the child and increases the risk of harm. It’s a relatively easy argument to make. Family court may see it differently which is why there needs to be a social work assessment.

What you're saying is untrue as proved by the social workers that have posted on this thread

Why is your focus on what is law? Things don't have to be tolerated because he's not been charged. There's a big gulf between getting him charged - yes, proof required, that would be hard and pointless - and having him as a member of the family. Anyone can be ostracised, his DM should not want to stay married to him, none of his family should be wanting to talk or associate with him in any way. That solves the problem, no law required. That is the point here, that is the least that an average person would expect people around him to do.
Just like regardless of the law, you can stop your DP having access to your DB if you want, police would not get involved, they would say it is a court matter, and that would require your DP being bothered to do it, which is doubtful.
You don't realise you have power to change things without the need for law, you do. However, if you don't have the strength yourself, this is why it is good to get backup and help from midwifes, and socal services. They are there to step in when people can't do it themselves.

I don't think it us idiotic for me to move half way across the country where I will have no support at all from my family or friends what would be the point? He will gain access ofcourse he will why wouldn't he? Have you read any of the stories here of the women that have been through similar to me at all?
and in all fairness you have no idea what kind of family I'm up against here and exactly what extent they will go to and how ugly this is going to get. Ss didnt exactly have my back or protect me as a child so i genuinely beleive they will fail my child but I appreciate your opinion I will mention to my midwife that its been suggested to me that I move away from my family and friends so I have even little support as I do now and see what her opinion is thankyou.

OP. I understand why you think your child is not at risk from your partner and only from your partner's father.

However, keeping children safe means being proactive in preventing and reducing risk. You are clearly aware of this but what you are saying suggests your partner isn't.

You suggest that your partner does view his father as a risk but isn't demonstrating that he is taking all steps to protect the baby once born. The solution of supervised contact may not be sufficient. He needs to think things through more carefully than this.

You are in a complex situation and the issues need thinking through. I very much doubt you would be assigned a social worker (based on how bed things need to be to be allocated one), but in an ideal world, I think it would be helpful if you and your partner could access support to think through what needs to happen to safeguard your child once born.

In the meantime, it might be helpful to try and open a discussion with your partner about why you think supervised contact isn't sufficient protection. Perhaps supervised contact and a maximum of 3 visits a year might provide a better boundary. The goal could be to prevent any kind of relationship or bond from being established in addition to contact being supervised.

You are insane, insane if you think a lack of conviction means anything at all.

This person would have no contact with my child.

The time has come to stand up and be your child's advocate. Do it.

His lack of challenging his F, is woeful. Do you really think he's going to have the gumption and drive, or the money, to fight you in court for access? That sounds an out of character approach for the whole family who, on mass, have ignored and unchallenged heinous behaviour.
If you give him the ultimatum as you should be doing- "cut ties or we are done" - and he choses his F over you and his child, that right there shows a lack of care or interest in you both. It's a clear indicator that he will chose a perceived path of least resistance over the welfare of his own growing family. This would show he's not a person who ever challenges, so he's not likely to challenge you in court in that case.
The problem is, you have stopped short of an ultimatum because you are letting fear of what might never happen get in the way - namely not chosing you and your DB. He could actually chose you when faced with a stark choice, but you won't know that until you tell him straight.

Right now he will be thinking you won't push it that far and that him or someone else being around when your baby is with his F, will be enough for you. Were you on your own with him when he flicked your bra strap ? You're a grown woman and he did that, so he could do far more to a defencless child.

"Ss didnt exactly have my back or protect me as a child so i genuinely beleive they will fail my child." I work with lots of mums who have been in care and they all felt this way because of their own experiences growing up- its totally and completely understandable that you would feel this way. That being said, it's very different being a grown woman standing up on your own two feet and working with them honestly to protect your child because you've asked for their support. I think it might surprise you, they won't see you as the same child, they'll see you as a 28 year old woman who's recognised a danger and done all the right things to try to protect her child. No two situations are the same and while it's perfectly reasonable that you would be worried about history repeating itself, by you stepping up and talking to your midwife as you say and speaking honestly with SS about your worries you are the one actively making sure that doesn't happen again. Because that is you being a really good and protective parent. But I can absolutely see why that would feel terrifying. If you are really worried about the lengths his family will go to then I think the more professional people you have on your side to back you up the better because they won't care who they are they'll just want to make sure you and your child are safe and they will take steps you might not be able to alone such as applying to court for contact to happen in a contact centre to make sure fil can't have access or removing all contact with your partner if he can't recognise the risks. There's a huge difference in you going to them and asking for support than them coming in because something has happened and it's been reported to them. I hope that reassures you even a little. I really think you've more power here than what your partner and his family have led you to believe.

Amazing post from @Cw112 - OP, I hope you take comfort & gain strength from it.