Really need advice on social services and midwife

[Colee321]

My partner and I attended our 12 week appointment during which the midwife took an interest in my personal life and had asked if I had been I foster care previously I said yes which was from ages 4-7 I'm worried as apparently I might be flagged to social services now even though I'm 28 now! I'm also concerned about my father in law who hasn't had any convictions but was previously investigated for being innapropiate with a 12 year old girl,taking photos of underage women amongst other things should I mention this to my midwife and could this affect my baby even though he hasn't been convicted and he will never be left unsupervised ever with our baby

100%

There is a lot of red flags already and baby is not even here yet.

Your entitled to your opinion.

I wouldn't of made this post to get advice if I was more concerned about a man's feelings and I wouldn't be contacting a solicitor and speaking to my midwife now would I 🥰

@ShirleyHolmes has given very sensible advice.
I am a very senior child protection health professional with 30 years experience.
First - what is the benefit to your child to have contact (supervised or not) with a child sex offender and the family that collude to protect him? How will that make your child's life safe, secure and able to trust those around them?
Next - your partner is part of the problem, not the solution. If he insists that your child will be in contact with these people, ask him the first question above. He can see them on his own if he wants a relationship with him.
Your LAC history isn't going to have a negative impact on professionals views of your parenting capacity but it may open doors to additional support for you due to your disrupted parenting experience as a child. If it's offered, take it. Anything that can help you be the best parent you can be can only be a good thing.
Please talk to your midwife, it should result in a referral into children's social care. This doesn't mean child protection or anything sinister but hopefully they can work with you both to look at risk and safeguarding so perhaps the penny will drop with your partner.
Lack of a conviction does not in anyway negate you or professionals ensuring your child is protected from exposure to a suspected child sexual offender.
As someone who has worked predominately with children who have been sexually abused, trust me, offenders will use any window of opportunity, they will abuse in a room full of people, an innocent photo can be manipulated into a harmful image, there's no end to their creativity.
Good luck and please take on board the advice from the sensible and balanced posts.
No one is out to get you but it is an emotive subject.
Consider contacting the Lucy Faithful Foundation. They work with non convicted peadophiles. They may be able to advise and signpost you to further support.
Whatever you do, don't conceal your concerns from professionals who are trying to help. It always tends to come out one way or another and then you could be viewed dimly for not being open and honest.

My partner has told me about all of the incidents. He has agreed to supervised contact. That case happened about 18 years ago I don't know all the details and probably never will all I know is that he wasn't charged.

Hi , unfortunately you will be flagged as you have been in care , this doesn’t mean ss will be involved just that you are more likely to get extra attention . You need to do anything in your power to prevent further concerns so if your Fil subject arises you need to make sure he has nil contact with the baby . Are you worried any other specific stuff might worry SS ?

Your partner denies, ignores, excuses and fails to address his father's inappropriate behaviour even when it's aimed towards you and witnessed by his sibling.

That means he is a risk to the baby. Not directly in that he would abuse them, but that he is completely incapable of protecting them from abuse based on his past and present behaviour as regards his dad.

Can you really not see that?

Same goes for his whole family.

As the child's mother, it is absolutely up to you to protect your child from any adults who could pose a risk- there is no negotiation when it comes to this- I am a child protection solicitor.

He said he likes to be served. He was talking about his dinner, but I think that is how he probably feels about me in general.

I guess that just about sums up my "DP". I have been through 17 years of abuse and my head is probably always spinning. I had an extremely physically and emotionally abusive childhood and me, my mum and siblings were terrorised. As a result of this I have no family to turn to. My dp has lost me all my childhood friends, luckily I have one friend that I trust and who I can turn to.

• After an operation (due to my disability) I was on crutches and in plaster , he was mad with me and made me get out of the car and left me on the side of a busy road nowhere near anything. He then came back and screamed at me to get in. When we got home and we got out of the car he shoved me and tried to push me to the floor and then said he would not be picking my DC up from school and left me distraught as I couldn't go and drive to get him. A friend I called to pick him up said he was there and picking my DC up.

-I have realised that he plays the victim and has badmouthed me to his colleagues and he recruits very misogynistic men who say things like kick her out on the street. His dm is viscous and openly says she can't wait until his sweet, kind Dad is dead. So I am isolated but he has a team around him.

-He has physically abused me a few times and years ago would smash stuff.

-I was rushed to hospital when I was seriously ill and when they were going to do tests in A and E he started swearing to me about having to go to work the next day and why can't they fucking hurry up. When I said something about not saying that he started viciously attacking me and said see there's nothing wrong with your mouth is there. Long story short I had an illness where I could have died.

I could go on and on about all the stuff he has done to me.

He is highly manipulative and very fake but a great actor. He has abused me in every way there is.

His main way of abusing me is suddenly going cold and not talking to me and me not being sure what I am supposed to have done wrong. These days I just ignore him back now. My daily life is a constant badgering of picking at things in the house that I have not done correctly for example he walks in and walks round for things to pick on. His favourite is saying I cannot load the dishwasher properly so bangs the stuff around "fixing" the way I have done it. If the place is spotless he will pick on a minor thing to comment on.

At the moment he is going on and on saying our sex life is shit and I'm not passionate about him anymore.

It was only after I read Lundy Bancroft's book that I gave up trying and starting thinking about myself.

He is currently giving me the silent treatment, as he wanted me to do something that would mean that he would have more control over me, his fake friendly act didn't work and he knows that I am not going to do that.

I want to leave in summer after DC16 has finished exams. My problem is that I am no longer able to do standing up or physical jobs that I have had to do for the last few years, as I had an accident years ago and the surgeon said it will continue to deteriorate and he is right as the pain and lack of strength is horrible. I have also booked a doctor's appointment, as I have had people point out to me that I have symptoms of ADHD. After looking this up I am convinced that this has been a problem that has plagued me all my life, and although I have a degree I have never managed to have a career due to my behaviour.

Is there any help for people with disabilities to start careers that will enable me to sit down and will make adjustments for ADHD? I need to get out of this hell. Is there any help to deal with this while I have to live with it for a little while longer?

When your partner mentioned supervised contact what did he have in mind that would entail?

So baby is here and you and him go visit his parents. You are all sitting in the living room. His father asks to hold baby or even worse doesn't even ask and goes to pick baby up. Does your partner think this is perfectly fine?

His father picks up baby (or later on picks up your toddler/young child) and gets them to sit on his lap. Will your partner interfere?

What happens if his dad constantly finds excuses to touch your child. Is your partner going to look the other way in order to keep the peace? What about you? Will you keep quiet as you don't want a fall out?
Afterall it all looks innocent on the surface of it.

Where are your partners boundaries?
Where does he draw the line in order to protect his child?
These are questions and scenarios that need to be brought up with him if he insists on exposing your child to that man.

Your credentials will mean nowt to OP @LegallyBlondie - she will just stick to her assertion that there is "nothing she can do to stop him" (her partner) from taking the baby to FiL's.

Because the steps she would need to take to actively prevent that from happening, & ensuring her baby has no contact whatsoever with her partner's family are risky to her relationship. Her partner would kick off, or visit on the sly, or minimise her concerns. Enforcing her judgement that her baby is STILL not going to be allowed contact with his family would cause arguments. Potentially relationship-wrecking arguments. I can't see her prioritising no contact over her relationship - she's already called the idea of moving away from him "idiotic" & is making excuses about not putting his name on the birth cert.

I don't think she's consciously choosing to - but she is valuing her life with her partner over her baby's safety. It's apparent in every update she's given, pushing back against expert advice. Also in her dogged defence of the partner, who she cannot yet see is part of the problem.

There's no way I'd have FIL around my child.
No way

It wasn't 18 years ago that your bra got flicked by his F, that is recent creepy behaviour that is irrefutable. He continues because he can, he normalises it to himself because everyone around him knows about it and has done nothing.
It's not nothing, it looks like all your bars are low because of the abuse you've experienced yourself. This is why people are exasperated that you can still contemplate being with someone who even communicates with their F after what he has done. The bar is much higher with people who have not experienced this, it's a shame all round that the family and yourself have become somewhat blasé to it.

im worried they will treat me differently because I was In care I have no other concerns regarding myself or anyone else just my father in law being the only and primary one

I wouldn't say I'm blasé to it hence why I made this post and I have no contact with his family as it disgusts me but I'm very aware of how complex the law can be also. I wouldn't know If I reported it would I even be believed there is no evidence and as I've said that family cover eachothers back including that horrible man.

If someone has no conviction they are presumed innocent. Anyone who is charged, interviewed or investigated but not convicted is innocent. We should not presume anyone who is interviewed, investigated or who is acquitted of a crime is somehow guilty just because of these facts.

That said of course we have our own feeling about individually which may or may not be justified and which are often based on our own experiences - which I believe we should follow. I think that is the general premise by which I would work - there are people in families who we don't feel comfortable around or for whatever reason we feel we can't fully trust.

I don't think social services have a right to insist on access unless someone is a danger which is evidenced by a conviction.

I've already stated I'm going to contact my midwife and speak to a solicitor. I can go no contact no problem do you think that is going to stop my partner taking my child to see my father in law?😂 why should I move? Me or my child haven't done anything wrong? To bide a few months until he makes court proceedings? When he gets contact which he will whats stopping him from taking our child without my supervision to his dad? That is idiotic in my opinion and puts the child at even more subject of abuse as I won't be there to monitor.

There is absolutely no complexity in the law when it comes to exposure of your child to unsuitable adults- the position is crystal clear- if you fail to protect your child from contact with this man (whether he is convicted or otherwise,) I would have no doubt that your child is being exposed to significant risk of harm. Social work would absolutely have an interest in that situation. I give advice to social work departments in these situations on a daily basis, and I would kindly but strongly suggest that you take this advice on board.

I have taken this advice on board as I've stated more than enough times I'm going to raise my concerns with my midwife and speak to a solicitor on what legally I can do.

Thankyou for this. Exactly how I see it I don't think they will listen or take interest in my concerns because there has been no convictions but I will raise them anyway

I don't think social services have a right to insist on access unless someone is a danger which is evidenced by a conviction.

This isn't accurate however. Social workers work on the balance of probabilities as do the civil courts. It is a significantly lower threshold to meet.

I've already stated I'm going to contact my midwife and speak to a solicitor. I can go no contact no problem do you think that is going to stop my partner taking my child to see my father in law?😂 why should I move? Me or my child haven't done anything wrong? To bide a few months until he makes court proceedings? When he gets contact which he will whats stopping him from taking our child without my supervision to his dad? That is idiotic in my opinion and puts the child at even more subject of abuse as I won't be there to monitor.
I know you think the expert advice you've been given is "idiotic" OP.
But have another read of @LegallyBlondie's latest post -

There is absolutely no complexity in the law when it comes to exposure of your child to unsuitable adults- the position is crystal clear- if you fail to protect your child from contact with this man (whether he is convicted or otherwise,) I would have no doubt that your child is being exposed to significant risk of harm. Social work would absolutely have an interest in that situation. I give advice to social work departments in these situations on a daily basis, and I would kindly but strongly suggest that you take this advice on board.
If YOUR PARTNER insists on allowing his father contact with the baby - HE will be subject to the same sanctions as you would.
So why do you keep insisting that you are powerless to stop him?

When you speak with your midwife, be clear that there is a conflict between you wanting NO CONTACT & your partner insisting on SUPERVISED CONTACT.
And ask her to refer you to SS, make it very plain you want this intervention.
Because SS will back you to the hilt for demanding no contact.
Your partner, however, will be a concern for them.
Are you prepared to do that, & potentially drive a wedge between you & your partner, to ensure your child is 100% never going to be in the same room as your FiL?
Or are you not prepared to have that much friction in your relationship?

So your partners desire to allow a peaodophile access to your child, trumps your desire not to..........

I wouldn't say I'm blasé to it hence why I made this post and I have no contact with his family as it disgusts me

Well that isn't true is it? You let a member of that family ejaculate into you and are now pregnant.

OH MY GOD, of course this man should be nowhere near children, that's obvious! However, say OP and her partner separate over this, how the fuck is OP supposed to stop it from happening then?