Really need advice on social services and midwife

[Colee321]

My partner and I attended our 12 week appointment during which the midwife took an interest in my personal life and had asked if I had been I foster care previously I said yes which was from ages 4-7 I'm worried as apparently I might be flagged to social services now even though I'm 28 now! I'm also concerned about my father in law who hasn't had any convictions but was previously investigated for being innapropiate with a 12 year old girl,taking photos of underage women amongst other things should I mention this to my midwife and could this affect my baby even though he hasn't been convicted and he will never be left unsupervised ever with our baby

I'm really sorry you've also had to go through this also! I understand how you must feel too. Scary how many other women in this post have gone through similar

I'm pretty sure a childrens social worker will indeed understand the law, and one posted not long ago but you didn't respond.

OP you are listening to what you want to hear. If the FIL is known to SS then no conviction most certainly does not mean no crime. If SS think YOU are not safeguarding your child by choosing to expose them to this man, then they will judge your ability to keep your child safe. Surely as someone who has been in foster care, you must understand that not everyone SS deems dangerous have criminal convictions.

I think one issue is that children's social services are likely to be supportive of preventing or limiting contact.
However the court system is much less likely to care.
In reality what I have seen happen a lot is social services become involved. Clear no contact guidance is drawn up.
This works well unless and until the court system is used. When you do get advice that as there is no conviction, or sometimes no conviction for physical offenses or sometimes no conviction involving the sex of the child involved contact should be allowed.
The courts and social services are not well aligned on this.
This means that highly disorganized and chaotic families that only exist in the remit of social services actually are better protected than those who access the court system.
( social worker)

I'm concerned OP hasn't addressed this too and assume it's because she knows it's concerning her partner's response was to double down on protecting his dad with 'he was just joking' / 'he didn't mean it like that' / 'stop making a fuss' type responses...

The fact you were in care may entitle you to additional support, you may have support in real life now but not all foster care kids will have, the midwife will not have access to your foster care records just that you were at some point looked after. I would suggest asking if there's any additional support available to you financial or practical as it will be helpful, bringing kids into the world is emotionally hard and expensive! They are there to help you.

The fil situation is difficult, the fact he hasn't been convicted does reduce your ability to a certain extent but even investigations do show on enhanced dbs checks so your midwife may be able to help you get legal advice so he cannot have unsupervised access in the form of a restraining order, you may even be able to get a no contact order. I know a lot of the comments here are very black and white, I'm aware in real life things are grey - I do think you need boundaries but as a baby it sounds like you fil isn't a risk, perhaps agree with your dp his father can only meet you in public places when you are present

The barrier for a conviction is pretty high. A safeguarding decision can use the same information to determine the potential harm to your child.

So yes if you speak with social services and explain your partners father is sexually inappropriate with you and has a history of child sexual abuse that the family have minimised they will be able to help you safeguard your child.

people are often afraid of SS involvement but they’re there as a support not evil child snatchers. I think you’d really benefit from having them on your team

please don’t listen to the terrible advice here re birth certificate.

He can demand dna testing and a court will
add him. You’re just making a stupid territory fight that you will ultimately lose.

You know and are taking the risk seriously and strategising safe guarding.

Your partner is more likely to do as you ask if you’re on good terms.
Work with them on their attitude to this.

Don’t push hard and fast, baby’s a long way from being in an unsafe situation but I encourage him to seek external counselling.
Suggest that you do some parenting courses together paediatric first aid, ‘how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk’

Talk about modelling bodily autonomy and the seeking of consent for physical touch

There is a cartoon book by a fantastic human who goes by Lunar Baboon when he writes cartoons.
Get his book or Google some of his cartoons and flick through the scenarios posed and think about how you might deal with a similar scenarios together or individually

Whatever you do about fil you need to be pulling together for maximum security so the worst advice is to make him fight you. Then he can get court ordered contact the op has no control over with a non verbal baby. Worst case scenario achieved.

Sounds like you’ve got your head screwed on op, best thing you can do is not panic and keep sailing through this with as least stress as possible

My FIL was a convicted paedophile (he's dead now) His crimes only came out later in life. He had been abusing one of his grandchildren on family visits in a house full of people. At first we thought he couldn't have done it because he was never alone with the child - we were very wrong. Don't rely on supervised access being enough to prevent abuse.

If your FIL was investigated by the police that's the kind of soft intelligence that can come up on an enhanced DBS in certain circumstances. It may come up through a Sarah's law disclosure too though I'm not certain.

Discussing it with your midwife is a really good idea. We've been told that if our dc had been younger, Dh could have been a social services flag because of his Dad (apparently children of offenders are more likely to offend themselves)

When I had told him he went very quiet and didn't actually say anything we spoke about it a few months later and said that his brother had seen it happen and that he was so embarrassed but he never addressed his dad about it they never do with anything that horrible man does.

Can I request a Sarah's law now or do I have to wait until the baby is born? I have even thought about my partner recording about what his dad's done because I genuinely think if it came down to it he would take his side in it all with the family..

Thankyou do much for your advice I really appreciate it!

If social services become involved they’ll do the necessary checks on your partners dad which will be wider ranging than anything provided to you under Sarah’s Law, because they’ll have access to “soft” intelligence via police records. It may be worth having your midwife/social work speak to both you and your partner together to discuss what they consider necessary to protect your baby. They can address the “no conviction, no crime” argument and clarify why there would still be concerns. Sometimes it’s easier to hear from professionals who have no dog in the fight, so to speak.

Is this what you think will happen a? Your partner will prioritise giving his father access to your baby and if you say no the relationship will be over?

You said yourself he’s “gotten away” with things. You clearly believe the allegations so why on earth would you ever let him see your child?

Please go NC with your FIL convicted or not it will put your baby at risk

Adults who have been in care have a significantly greater chance of SS involvement than those who have not

SS will want to check over your situation and make sure you are able to adequately meet your child’s needs. If so they’ll be off as quick as they came

trust your instincts around your father in law especially if you are having a girl

congrats on the pregnancy

I don't think you have to wait til the baby's born. I'd suggest googling your local force + Sarah's law to see what their process is. I believe it's a judgement thing on their part, a case by case analysis of whether you need to know and how much (if anything) to disclose. It's probably worthwhile if the family are minimising, you don't know how open they're being.

Yes I 100% believe the allegations. I don't want to let him near my child but legally because he hasn't been charged I'm not sure if there is much I can do if you read previous posts there is many women that have been through it too

@Colee321

I'm an adoptive mum. My son's birth mum has 4 sons, my son is the eldest.
She has lost all 4 sons to adoption or residential care.
Whilst she had her own issues, a key driver in the removal of the last two boys, who have the same father, is her inability to protect the children from that man. A man who has no convictions relating to child abuse. Having no convictions does not mean he is not abusive.
I know you are frightened, I know know you want to protect your baby. At least 2 social workers have given you their professional advice
You need to take it, put your baby first,
ahead yourself and your relationship

My son and his brothers were all known to social services before birth, she didn't listen.
Please don't be her.

Honestly it could most certainly head that way. We both see things very differently and although he knows the things his dad has done are wrong he still has a relationship with him and they all conceal and don't report when he does things. Why? I honestly wish I knew I don't understand it either..

This dynamic is so dangerous where an abuser is involved.

Everyone keeping quiet to avoid awkwardness or challenging the (toxic) dynamic.

If my partners dad made me feel uncomfortable, my partner would impulsively raise the issue because he is loyal to me and wants to make sure I'm ok. Same applies if someone in my family was to make him uncomfortable.

You told him his father did something to you which let's be honest is sexually motivated as he touched your bra strap, and he did nothing. Said nothing. His brother saw his father do the thing to do and he did nothing. Said nothing.

Abusers thrive in the silence and complicity of the people they surround themselves with.

You now know he would rather you were uncomfortable than he be uncomfortable. That isn't love.

If this was a while ago I can't fathom staying with someone so disloyal and unkind but it is what it is now.

That isn't true. I used to work within child protection and the burden of proof is far lower within SS than it is with the CPS.

I also have personal experience within my family. You need to speak with the midwife.

It's a concern that your DP still wants to see him, that's condoning it. He can't even claim its heresay, you have first hand experience of him being wildly inappropriate- flicking your bra fgs!!! This man has no boundaries, and your DP's and your own boundaries are poor. It's throughly reasonable for anyone to refuse to have anything to do with him after what he did to you, and that your DP would consider choosing his F over you, is wrong on so many levels, as is placating your DP on this.
I think you should be firm on this with DP, the answer is strght-forward " choose us or him, you can't have both in your life".
If he picks his F, I'd move away. Yes he could fight for access through the courts in theory, but is he really the type to fight for anything? He hasn't so far, non of his family have done a thing for years which is why his F has got away with it. I doubt he or his family have the gumption to pursue their rights over you, they've already proved they are the type fir inaction - if they say otherwise, it will just be words that don't come to anything.

Yes it is up to you. You have 2 choices - allow your DP to give his father access to your child which may well mean that SS will become heavily involved and your child may well go on a protection plan or ensure your child is NEVER allowed anywhere near this man.
I know what I’d choose.