Really need advice on social services and midwife

[Colee321]

My partner and I attended our 12 week appointment during which the midwife took an interest in my personal life and had asked if I had been I foster care previously I said yes which was from ages 4-7 I'm worried as apparently I might be flagged to social services now even though I'm 28 now! I'm also concerned about my father in law who hasn't had any convictions but was previously investigated for being innapropiate with a 12 year old girl,taking photos of underage women amongst other things should I mention this to my midwife and could this affect my baby even though he hasn't been convicted and he will never be left unsupervised ever with our baby

Split with your partner and deny him unsupervised contact. Get social services involved. Stand up for your child

His wife,my partner and other siblings believe he didn't do it his wife has stayed and no doubt they will have his back with all this too.

This increases the risk to your child because the family see no reason for him not to have access to your child because they don’t believe he’s harmful to children. For that reason I couldn’t trust your partner would maintain supervised contact, because he doesn’t think his dad has done anything wrong.

Its not an uncommon situation so your midwife should be experienced in dealing with it.

Hi op, congratulations on your wee bump! I work with lots of mums who have been in care and it used to be common practice that they would be referred to social services if they fell pregnant. The reason for this is that people who are leaving the care system might have less family support (depending on their individual situation) for when baby comes, and having a baby can trigger lots of bad memories for mums who maybe didn't get the childhood they should have had and can increase the risk of pnd etc. They won't come in assuming that you aren't fit to parent they'll want to come in and see how they can help you break that family history so your wee family can stay together and will work with you to identify anywhere you think you might need support. Could be things like working out who you would phone if you're having a bad day and need a babysitter, or checking you get into a good routine and get out meeting other mums your age so you have friends to lean on. It should all be very supportive and since its been a long time since you were in care they may not make a referral at all.

In terms of the concerns you have around your FIL. Here's the thing: you are mum. You get to have a say in where your child goes and who your child sees and yes your partner may have parental rights but it doesn't overrule yours. If you are uncomfortable with who your partner is planning to introduce your child to (no matter the who or the why) you get to say no and if your partner is in any way decent and responsible then he needs to suck it up and respect your decision as his coparent. If something happens (God forbid) and you allowed your partner to give fil access to your child despite your worries then yes, social services will hold you to account for that just as much as they'll hold you partner to account for that. What I would recommend doing is to make an anonymous call to ss, ask to speak to the duty social worker and without giving names just ask for advice on what to do in this situation. Explain that you know there has been an investigation that went nowhere, no convictions were ever made and you want to know how that would be viewed. It might help you to weigh up your decision and make an informed choice.

It's common for families to not want to believe that something awful has happened when it's an immediate family member but that actually makes you a better judge of character than your partner because you aren't blinded by loyalty here. So if it feels wrong to you, and it's not sitting right then it's probably because your gut instinct is spot on. I understand that you feel you can't argue this without a conviction in place but I can't imagine Ss would deem fil to be a suitable contact.

What others are saying is correct, your partner would need to go to court to challenge you on this especially if you don't name him on birth cert and give your child your last name. And if you have valid concerns that you feel its an unsafe environment then you have good grounds to argue that. Grandparents are not entitled to access to their grandkids. So your partner could argue for access himself but not for extended family. I think you should scope it out for yourself on the sly so you are fully informed on your options because your partner clearly isn't taking safeguarding as seriously as you are. Unfortunately op, this may come to a head and it might be the hill your relationship needs to die on in order for you to protect your child so you need to be prepared to make that choice if partner doesn't come on board and start respecting your opinions and worries.

They will believe you, you're safeguarding your child they're not going to dismiss your concerns at all. Your midwife and social services will have experienced this before and be able to support you and give you the best advice

Ah OP, what a horrible situation to be in. I think if FIL is to remain in your lives in some way then I'd set some non negotiable boundaries up front. I'd keep contact to a bare minimum so as little one grows up, he/she doesn't form any kind of emotional bond.

There's a young adult in our extended family who abused one of his young relatives a few years ago. Absolutely horrific situation, SS/police were involved etc. He's not been cut off from the family but obviously there's very firm boundaries and most of the extended family see him but only from a distance. He's not allowed to see any of the little ones etc.

Your first priority is the safety of your child but I just wanted to pop on and say I understand how horrendously complex it is when you're in the very unfortunate position of having this 'in the family'.

Listen to Hunting Warhead podcast. Particularly the episode where the mother of the victim literally left the bathroom for moments and her trusted cousin managed to get photos that are now all over the internet.

I have seen the patterns he has displayed over the years and even his behaviour with me too I believe he did harm that 12 year old girl and that's why I have nothing to do with any of the family because I think they are disgusting.

But you DO deal with the family, stop lying. You are talking about sorting out supervised visits - why would you if you have no contact with them. And besides, you got pregnant by a man who defends someone you KNOW is a sexual predator. He will leave his baby with his dad - because as far as he is concerned it's all lies so Grandad is perfectly safe to play in the other room with DD or DS.
Until he isn't. But by then the lifelong damage will have happened to your baby, and the hand wringing will be a bit late.

I'm in my late 40s and I still struggle with the way my parents stupidly trusted people they shouldn't have around me. It's affected my relationship with my mother substantially.

Absolutely this

I can only echo what others have said and tell your midwife as you cannot let the child anywhere near him supervised or not.

"I have seen the patterns he has displayed over the years and even his behaviour with me too I believe he did harm that 12 year old girl"

Just as an aside OP, if fil has acted in any way that has made you feel uncomfortable it's your partners job to back you to the hilt. If he isn't doing that and isn't acknowledging that he has acted in ways that made you feel unsafe or uncomfortable then he is not being a good partner and you deserve to have someone who has your back 100%.

I'm worried because I have a background in care too that they won't believe me

In terms of possible sexual abuse I’d expect them to err on the side of caution. There will be a record of the investigation of your partners dad which will outline what the concerns were, how they were investigated and why he wasn’t charged, social work will be able to have access to that information and can advise you from there - if anything I’d take very seriously a concern from someone who is care experienced because I know what it takes to invite social work back into your life.

I would do a Sarah's Law request OP, there may be convictions you don't know about and it is a paper trail that shows you're trying to protect your child should you need that in future.

Absolutely this. What's your partner said to you about the things his dad has done to make you feel uncomfortable?

The more a family 'doesn't like to make a fuss', the more of a risk they pose to children as red flags and uncomfortable moments are ignored for fear of (god forbid) things being awkward or having to have a difficult conversation.

Such a difficult situation for you to navigate, but I agree with everyone that even supervised contact with FIL will be a risk. If you start down that route, what happens in 12 years time when your then secondary school child is walking home from school? If their grandfather, who they see regularly and know well, were to offer them a lift home they would almost certainly accept. By allowing any contact you would be signaling to you future child that FIL is a safe person, when you know he isn't.

Stopping contact will be difficult if the babies dad does not see the danger, and is therefore unable to safeguard. That's why people are suggesting you might need to restrict contact with the dad aswell. It's not the dads fault, but if he is unable to keep baby safe due to his blind spot where FIL is concerned, then baby is not safe with him.

How far are you willing to go to protect your child? If it was me I'd end the relationship, move far away, register the birth without the fathers details and hope never to see them again. Theoretically the dad could track you down and go through court to get his parental responsibility recognised, but most won't bother.

Just to mention, if he was investigated by the police but not convicted ss may have access to data you don't. They may see a risk from evidence that whilst not enough for a conviction is for ss. Speak to your partner again, maybe with the midwife present so she can back you up. It's not OK to have supervised visits so you need to think hard about what your partner is saying if he is seriously sticking to this line.

My advice would be to split from your partner and do not put him on the BC, and make him pursue DNA testing and the courts before permitting him any access. He isn't concerned with protecting your child. Ergo he will be a bad father and your child will be better off with the absolute minimum of contact.

You are absolutely sure your FiL has no convictions?

Being investigated for pictures of underage girls means they found he has either taken our sourced them - both of them a criminal offence.

You need to do a Sarah's Law request asap.

You keep saying "he wasn't convicted" rather than "he was innocent".Sounds like something you've been told, rather than finding out yourself.

And yes, disclose to the midwife re FIL. Your child cannot be too protected.

If they are all supporting him, theres no way I would be registering the partner on the birth certificate. Then you legally can do what you want until he goes to court. Will he bother?

go to the appointment to register alone.

but really, this is going to be an issue at some point in the child’s life. At what point dod you have concerns your partner was supporting what you believe to be a paedophile?

Op you are getting an unfairly hard time on here.

Babies dad will have PR.
Let's say op and dad split. He will be free to leave baby with dad.
Legally FIl is innocent. Therefore SS are not going to be able to do anything.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place

Also, the only way I would stay with a partner like yours , was if he went no contact with his Father.

Keeping in contact is a form of acceptance and a willingness to overlook criminality.

You need to apply for Sarah's Law. Even though he wasn't convicted, that doesn't mean the police didn't have evidence of what he was doing. If he poses a risk to your child you need to know for definite, not just a gut feeling being ignored by your partner and his brainwashed family.

Usually I don't go for this sort of thing but under these circumstances I wouldn't be putting your partner on the birth certificate. It's really not in the babies best interest to be put in situations where they have 'supervised' visits or left in the care of a paedophile. Her father could leave the room for any number of reasons for any length of time and you would have no idea, that's without the abuse happening in the same room of course.

A friend of mine had a man like this in her life. Everyone knew he was dodgey but nothing was ever convicted or even brought to the police I don't think. She spent years growing up with him as part of the family and when she was 19 he violently raped her. Even though he was technically supervised around her when she was younger you can only do that for so long. She's so angry that she and her siblings were ever put into a situation where this man was able to interact with them

He has no more right to see the baby that I do if he isn’t on birth certificate though?
Providing sperm doesn’t give him automatic rights over the baby.
Please don’t think you as mum are powerless. You need to prioritise your child.

Why will he have pr? Men often cba applying - it’s effort/paperwork/cost.

Make a Sarah’s law request in regards to your partners dad. This will show SS that you are taking your babies safety seriously and the Police will disclose information to you and your partner if needed to safeguard your child.
SS will want to make sure you have a plan in place if they do become involved, however there is a possibility that they won’t but you still need to keep your baby safe