Really need advice on social services and midwife

[Colee321]

My partner and I attended our 12 week appointment during which the midwife took an interest in my personal life and had asked if I had been I foster care previously I said yes which was from ages 4-7 I'm worried as apparently I might be flagged to social services now even though I'm 28 now! I'm also concerned about my father in law who hasn't had any convictions but was previously investigated for being innapropiate with a 12 year old girl,taking photos of underage women amongst other things should I mention this to my midwife and could this affect my baby even though he hasn't been convicted and he will never be left unsupervised ever with our baby

There is no such thing as underage women. These "women" were children. He took inappropriate photos of children. How will you guarantee supervision? Will you always be present? What if your partner goes to his fathers house without you and needs to takd a phone call, go to the toilet? Your father in law could quite easily use those few minutes to abuse and take photos of your child. You really need to put your foot down here.

You aren’t reading the advice. You can stop him taking child if he doesn’t have parental responsibility. He only get’s parental responsibility if you decide to let him have it or he goes to court and court grants it.
Unmarried dads don’t have automatic rights.

Grandparents don't have a legal right to see their grandchildren.

Your partner, if on the birth certificate then legally he can choose who your child sees so either your partner gets on board and agrees no contact with a sex offender at all supervised or not or I would be reconsidering the relationship with him and wether I was going to be putting him on the birth certificate. And probably contacting a solicitor for more advice.

Your child needs to come first and no way would I "settle" for supervised contact with a sex offender just to keep my partner first.

Happy*

I'm not going to stop my partner from seeing his child so I would have no reason to do that and don't intend to. Its the dad that's the issue not him. I will be supervising all visits I see him for what he is I'm not blinded because he is my parent

People give the OP a break. How is she supposed to stop contact if her partner wants it? She has no legal standing to do so as he has no conviction, and if she leaves her partner then can do what he wants on his time.

What fool proof method do you all suggest?

I would speak to your midwife about it, they can help you understand the risks and look at protective measures that might be needed. Given your experience of foster care, you may find it difficult to assess risk and assert clear boundaries.

Why is your partner insisting on contact with his dad, does he think his dad was unfairly accused? Given the incredibly poor conviction rate for child sex offences I wouldn’t take the lack of conviction as any proof of innocence. You need professional help for this one, it’s possible it’ll be picked up by social services as I’m sure there will be a record of the case against your partners dad so I’d start by speaking to your midwife.

Because I have concerns but no evidence to back it up?

How did you find out about it? Surely your partner knows about it too to not want unsupervised contact? And there must've been evidence for him to get investigated?

Thankyou so much for this comment it's literally what I am trying to explain

Of course you can legally. Your baby your decision. Don’t name him on birth certificate so he doesn’t get parental responsibility. No parental responsibility no right to see or take baby anywhere. If he applies to court (not guaranteed he will bother takes effort/money) for pr then whole issue will come out.

If my partner wanted my DD around his sex offender father then he wouldn't be seeing her either and we wouldn't be together

You need to get out of your relationship. Your partner will facilitate access to your child for his father. You need to ensure your partner has only supervised access to your child, and that his father has no access at all. So, if your (soon to be ex, I hope) partner has contact in a contact centre, it needs to be clear he doesn't get to take the child out to public places where the unconvicted abuser might meet them.

This is the moment to break the cycle of abuse.

'Underage women' are children. Twelve-year-olds are children. If you don't take radical action now you are - however unwillingly - setting up your as-yet unborn child as a possible victim of abuse.

You sound weak. This is the time to get very, very strong. In your position, I'd be finishing the relationship, and possibly looking at termination. Then get therapy, to help you establish a very sound sense of your own worth, so that you don't accept a relationship with people like this ever again.

But this is mumsnet and perhaps the situation isn't real but only a 'what if'.

Partner can still see child but you are in control if only you have pr. Seriously get some proper legal advice.

I couldn't knowingly sit and watch my child play with a sex offender who's been inappropriate with young girls and taken photos of them, I physically couldn't do it, I find it awful that a parent would be happy to do that.

Thankyou for the advice,I have an appointment on Wednesday and will speak to the midwife. His wife,my partner and other siblings believe he didn't do it his wife has stayed and no doubt they will have his back with all this too. I have seen the patterns he has displayed over the years and even his behaviour with me too I believe he did harm that 12 year old girl and that's why I have nothing to do with any of the family because I think they are disgusting.

I'd really be reconsidering a relationship with someone who defends that and stands by someone like that, especially if you're saying you're not happy with the way the FIL is with you.

Hope you make the right decision OP I'm really passionate about safeguarding children and keeping them away from sex offenders due to my own experience and really hope you put your child first and speak to a solicitor to put a plan in place

You really are at high risk for that. Not just because of the situation, but because of your refusal to take advice and your blind insistence that you have no choice. Because you are not seeing that you should be thinking about not being with a partner who puts your child at risk.

I would be speaking to my midwife and to social services. I would be telling, not asking, TELLING my partner that there will be no contact. If he is not 100% on board and engaging with social services about how to keep my child safe, then I would limit his contact too.

I would do anything and everything in my power to prevent a single meeting from happening. You are the one tying your hands.

So what would you suggest I do? Split from my partner so the child will see him without me being there? He's fully within his rights to do so

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who wants your child to have contact with someone accused multiple times of sex offences, who it sounds like you believe is guilty?

Don't you want to be with someone who wants better than that for their child?

I know you'll say that it's not your right etc etc but in principle aren't you disgusted that your partner wants someone you believe to be sexually abusive to have contact with his own child?

I would speak to your midwife. The FIL may already been known to SS and they may want to make sure you are safeguarding your DC. One of the issues (not the only issue) with supervised contact is that they get to know and trust Grandad. Then when they are young teens they start visiting him unsupervised off their own back.

Your hands wont be tied if you don’t put your partner’s name on the birth certificate.
You alone will have parental responsibility. This will make your life a lot easier if you split in the future. I would tell the midwife your concerns as you actually need support to make and enforce the right decision here. No conviction doesn’t mean that this man is unknown to social services. A meeting with you , your partner and a social worker could help open your partner’s eyes to the risks in this situation. If he still minimises the risks you know exactly where you stand and what you need to do to protect your child.

Honestly, I would disappear with the child before I would allow that.

Thankyou for your advice I'm going to speak to my midwife about it and seek legal advice. I'm worried because I have a background in care too that they won't believe me because he has never been charged his wife and kids have stood by him all these years too so it's the girl that grew up in care to the sparkly clean perfect family so I don't think I stand a chance

No-one has been convicted of a crime, therefore they are innocent. I personally would not disclose anything as you don't have to. As far as contact you make the decision on how you feel and if you perceive a problem.

In reality we all make decisions as to who we trust with our children both when we are present and when we are not present. Clearly a nursery and school have DBS and safeguarding procedures but we all have neighbours and relations and some we are happier to allow contact with our children freely some less so.

At the end of the day we make decisions based on how we feel, if we perceive there is an issue and who we like.

Hi Colee321 I just wanted to put my name on & say you can search my thread if you like, it's on a similar theme to this one, & if you ever need a chat or just or some support then just pop me a message.x