Help about to break up with insecure partner, need advice.

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Need some advice, saw the thread on here about an insecure boyfriend and it resonated with some of my issues but I wanted to start my own thread as I am in a quandary about my current partner.

We have been together for 16 months. Both divorced and hit it off straight from the outset and were madly in love within weeks...
Talked about moving in together and I even got my coil removed on the very slim off chance we might conceive although I'm 42 and suffered premature menopause.

2 months in we had our first misunderstanding when I went on holiday
with a longstanding male travel buddy. All was fine until I made a flip comment about the naked sauna and he kicked off about it. I thought it was all my fault for the thoughtless comment and was very apologetic and worried Id killed off our budding relationship.

2 months later we went away together and ended up having our first proper row as I organised everything and was really stressed and he came along for the ride- he got on his high horse and wouldnt listen to me trying to explain to help him understand me (I'm under a lot of stress and people take advantage of the fact that I look calm on the surface but am paddling furiously underneath to keep afloat. I spent the night and next day crying as I didn't like the cold hard lecturing side of him but he later recognised he had been a dick and let me do everything and would never let that happen again.

Since then there has been a gradual deterioration and I have seen that side of him more and more despite becoming more and more fragile myself (anxiety/stress/depression
and two road traffic accidents leading to ongoing injuries and lots of work stress/bullying where I felt forced to resign and had months of stressful jobseeking).

As far as I can make out the times that he turns nasty are all because he is jealous/insecure but he reacts badly if I say that and says it is a perceived lack of commitment on my part. And he's right- I pull back when he behaves like this and said we shouldn't move in after all once we started arguing, to protect both our kids from potential fallout, have refused to book non-cancellable holidays long in
advance and even got my coil put back in, partly to help my hormones but partly because I didn't want to risk getting pregnant.
So he is right that I am not committing as I am essentially protecting myself and my kids (and his) from what has become a turbulent relationship.

When he is not being a cold,impatient, stubborn rock we get on amazingly well, I am ridiculously attracted to him and we have the best sex I've ever had. Passion is not the problem and he thinks I am silly to throw our relationship away but he has pushed me so hard I've had panic attacks and begun to have suicidal thoughts and he doesn't stop haranguing me or arguing with me until after I'm a sobbing heap saying that we are through and usually he eventually admits he was a dick and apologises and we are ok until the next time, but my trusting him with my fragile mental state reduces with each incident. He reacts to this with more pressure to commit and we end up arguing again. Apparently he and his ex wife used to argue a lot but it wasn't a problem- I'm just not built like that at the best of times let alone when I'm having mental health issues but he is physically incapable of biting his tongue or treating me with compassion.

Does anyone think there is any hope?

From everything you say, it sounds like you can't rely on him to support you. Without that, is it really a worthwhile relationship? Sure, it's good in the good times, but that doesn't cancel out the bad times. They matter more.

Apparently he and his ex wife used to argue a lot but it wasn't a problem

Ha! Is that what he told you? I wonder if she would say the same.

No. The man's an arsehole

firstly I’m not at all insecure or jealous - but would I be happy about my partner sharing a naked sauna with someone of the opposite sex - not at all.

there’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect yourself and your children, but what are these insecure and jealous moments? are they examples such as the above? Or do they stem from nothing?

I think most people would not be comfortable with their partner holidaying with someone of the opposite sex and enjoying naked activities together.

That said, I don't think there us any hope for your relationship because:
he has pushed me so hard I've had panic attacks and begun to have suicidal thoughts and he doesn't stop haranguing me or arguing with me until after I'm a sobbing... he is physically incapable of biting his tongue or treating me with compassion

Your boyfriend is a bully. Thank god you put your coil back.

It's a bit like saying 'when he's not beating or hitting me we get on amazingly well'. . I despair about some of the threads on here ... women putting up with abusive, horrible treatment just so they can say 'We have the best sex ever'.
Do you have a daughter... would you want her to accept a relationship like this? Do you have a son ... would you want him to treat a partner like that?

No. He’s an abuser, and has started very early. If you move in together/had a baby it will ramp up even more. It’s not you, it’s him and he won’t change. Look at the Freedom Programme online.

It will be difficult but best to break now, and then block. Heart break now is better than lifelong misery.

Why would you want to commit to someone who makes you suicidal?

Seriously nothing about this sounds good

You can't book non refundable holidays?! Jesus just get out and look after your kids from this toxic relationship.

Mate, he is an abuser.

Sorry was trying to keep it short, so perhaps I should have clarified- I DIDNT share a naked sauna with another man- I made a flip comment saying "not at all like that time we went to that spa" and he blew up and made a fuss about me even referring to that event

What sort of hope are you looking for? He's driving you nuts, literally. Why isn't your instinct to get away? Do you hope he'll change? Why would he? Are you likely to change for him?

Now you know why he has an ex wife; he likely did the self same to her.

You are also trauma bonded to your abuser and that is going to take a lot of hard work in terms of counselling to undo. Until you get away from this man completely your recovery from his abuses of you won't even start. I would also think your kids detest this man you've brought into their lives with a passion.

OP

He targeted you deliberately here; this man is dangerous.

What do you think of the responses you've had?. There is absolutely no hope whatsoever for this abusive and otherwise dysfunctional relationship.

I am trying to change- on anxiety/depression medication and having cpd. And now on beta blockers for when he makes me have a physical stress reaction.

He has told me a number of times he wouldn't change. I guess I should have listened, but he swears he loves me completely and would do anything for me except stopping picking fights with me when I have begged him not to

My kids love him, he mucks about and plays with them when I'm too busy and too stressed to. That's why he thinks I am silly to throw it away.

You’re having to take medications to cope with what he is doing to you. He won’t treat you with the most basic kindness, despite declaring he does. He is demanding more and more of you, while pushing you to suicidal feelings, then complaining about the effect his abuse is having on you.

Please, get out.

If you get him out of your life you won't be too busy and stressed to spend time with your children.
This thread is unanimous in telling you he is abusive ... please listen.

I would think that when you are finally free of your abuser, your own mental and physical health will lift markedly also alleviating the need for beta blockers. Never underestimate the amount of physical and emotional damage such men do to their chosen target.

Think about someone you have a good relationship with. A friend or a relative, even a colleague. Think about the most respectful relationship you have: do you have issues in that relationship that would drive you to doubt your sanity, or do you seem like a sane, logical, balanced person in that relationship?

Oh my love, it's not down to you to change.
😳

If he loved you he would be a loving, funny man with you as well as the children!

Please, please end this relationship as soon as possible.

"My kids love him, he mucks about and plays with them when I'm too busy and too stressed to. That's why he thinks I am silly to throw it away".

Stop listening to his nonsense about throwing it away, what is being described here is the sunk costs fallacy.

Your kids are seeing the Disney Dad side of him but it won't be long before he has them also under the same levels of power and control as you are at his hands. This man is indeed the root cause of your physical and mental health being as bad as they are.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your own childhood marred by poor parental example, abuse and or other forms of verbal violence and coercion?.

After reading all your posts it appears to me that you both have very different attachment styles, and at the root of it it is that basic incompatibility which causes these problems.

I was the same as you OP. I had great relationships where the attraction was strong and wonderfully enjoyable, and other aspects of our characters worked well together. But our underlying attachment styles were not compatible at all which led to huge dramas and hurt feelings.

Once I learnt to recognise my own attachment style, and recognise the clues in behaviour and attitudes in my partners that indicated their attachment style, I was able to choose partners that gave me the great relationships I really wanted and deserved, without the crazy dramas that ruined them in the end.

Can I suggest maybe reading some articles about the subject might help you recognise yourself (and him) and then you can make more informed choices about your partners in the future?

And I do think this current relationship is unhealthy and emotionally damaging, probably for both of you, so best get out now before too much damage is done.

I hope you find the wonderful relationship you deserve in the future.

on anxiety/depression medication and having cpd. And now on beta blockers for when he makes me have a physical stress reaction.

He has told me a number of times he wouldn't change

I can only say again, there is no hope. You really must end this relationship. You are becoming seriously unwell.

In terms of other incidents-

I went on a skiing holiday with my ex- separate bedrooms and purely so we could manage the kids on a ski slope and booked long before I met him. He made a big fuss when I told him about it and then said he was reconciled but then made a big fuss again when we were on the trip.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4528580-Would-you-invite-new-partner-to-ex-dhs-big-birthday?page=2&reply=116654880

I posted before because he made a big fuss about my exh 40th birthday as I said there was no way I would invite him along - as it turned out I wasn't invited myself anyway but he thought it should be a matter of principle that if I was invited I take him too.

We had a horrible holiday with all our kids this summer where I once again did everything while he relaxed and felt resentful, esp since I was in pain and applying for jobs and really needed a break. After we came back I booked some hotel rooms that were cancellable but said I wanted to see where we were later on booking flights as there weren't any good deals and it would be a waste of money. He kept badgering me about this over WhatsApp when we had agreed he wouldn't communicate anything controversial over WhatsApp as it would end in tears. I had already booked skiing flights for us all and I again said I wanted to wait and see where we were as I didn't want to go if we were still arguing.

I was then looking at booking trips for us alone but repeated arguments meant I didn't, at which point he got upset about another pre-booked trip with my travel buddy, and said he wasn't jealous but I should book stuff with him as a priority over anything else.

I've now spent thousands of pounds booking trips to show my commitment and wish I had stuck to my guns in refusing to.

Do you know why he argues with you and harangues you until you're a sobbing heap on the floor?

Because he wants to. He likes you in that state.

Otherwise, why would he keep doing it?

He's even said he won't change.

Please don't doubt yourself - you need to be out of this relationship. You are just mismatched.