Help about to break up with insecure partner, need advice.

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Need some advice, saw the thread on here about an insecure boyfriend and it resonated with some of my issues but I wanted to start my own thread as I am in a quandary about my current partner.

We have been together for 16 months. Both divorced and hit it off straight from the outset and were madly in love within weeks...
Talked about moving in together and I even got my coil removed on the very slim off chance we might conceive although I'm 42 and suffered premature menopause.

2 months in we had our first misunderstanding when I went on holiday
with a longstanding male travel buddy. All was fine until I made a flip comment about the naked sauna and he kicked off about it. I thought it was all my fault for the thoughtless comment and was very apologetic and worried Id killed off our budding relationship.

2 months later we went away together and ended up having our first proper row as I organised everything and was really stressed and he came along for the ride- he got on his high horse and wouldnt listen to me trying to explain to help him understand me (I'm under a lot of stress and people take advantage of the fact that I look calm on the surface but am paddling furiously underneath to keep afloat. I spent the night and next day crying as I didn't like the cold hard lecturing side of him but he later recognised he had been a dick and let me do everything and would never let that happen again.

Since then there has been a gradual deterioration and I have seen that side of him more and more despite becoming more and more fragile myself (anxiety/stress/depression
and two road traffic accidents leading to ongoing injuries and lots of work stress/bullying where I felt forced to resign and had months of stressful jobseeking).

As far as I can make out the times that he turns nasty are all because he is jealous/insecure but he reacts badly if I say that and says it is a perceived lack of commitment on my part. And he's right- I pull back when he behaves like this and said we shouldn't move in after all once we started arguing, to protect both our kids from potential fallout, have refused to book non-cancellable holidays long in
advance and even got my coil put back in, partly to help my hormones but partly because I didn't want to risk getting pregnant.
So he is right that I am not committing as I am essentially protecting myself and my kids (and his) from what has become a turbulent relationship.

When he is not being a cold,impatient, stubborn rock we get on amazingly well, I am ridiculously attracted to him and we have the best sex I've ever had. Passion is not the problem and he thinks I am silly to throw our relationship away but he has pushed me so hard I've had panic attacks and begun to have suicidal thoughts and he doesn't stop haranguing me or arguing with me until after I'm a sobbing heap saying that we are through and usually he eventually admits he was a dick and apologises and we are ok until the next time, but my trusting him with my fragile mental state reduces with each incident. He reacts to this with more pressure to commit and we end up arguing again. Apparently he and his ex wife used to argue a lot but it wasn't a problem- I'm just not built like that at the best of times let alone when I'm having mental health issues but he is physically incapable of biting his tongue or treating me with compassion.

Does anyone think there is any hope?

As it happens it sounds like he has done it for me. You have all just given me the strength to ignore him on this crucial day.

Last night i had loads of declarations that he was going to give me space and wait for me to say i wanted to see him - we actually both did myers briggs type tests which showed we are polar opposites (him ENTJ/me ISFP) and looked at how we could work together. It made me feel better to see impartial things showing how differently we see the world in a neutral form and it was quite uncanny how well it identified both our weaknesses. He independently started identifying new rules for our relationship: Direct quote "1) I need to listen to you without interruption and encourage you to tell me stuff. 2) I mustn't pressure you into committing to anything. And i need to listen calmly". All of which would indeed have been wonderful. Unfortunately he then assumed we were fine (common problem) and asked if i wanted to see him on Weds, and i said that while that had all made me feel better, I was still hurting and needed time to heal and didnt want to see him until i felt better and not when the kids were around. He said ok but evidently i failed whatever test.

This morning - despite me having begged him not to harrass me over whatsapp if something was bothering him for the last year as it always sparks an argument, I woke up to a message saying that he thought i should skip my Tuesday night running/social club (another source of jealousy/insecurity) and come talk to him again and that I needed to prioritise our relationship. I nearly missed my train as a result and he was angry when i reminded him that i had said i wanted to heal a bit before we next saw each other and he quickly escalated to first badgering me until i apologised for something he was angry about and then pushing me to say when i could see him. I said i could do tomorrow night and would arrange childcare to facilitate then went into a meeting and by the time i came out he had obviously got worked up enough that i had a barrage of messages saying that he was now also done and unless i actively invited him and started essentially chasing him then he was out as he'd lost faith due to my failure to jump to the opportunity to put myself through another meeting with him. he said i needed to enthusiastically invite him and he would consider it, and suggested a load of times that i had already said i couldnt do and how enthusiastically i needed to phrase it to get him interested- including on my birthday when i rang him yesterday and said i didnt want to go out on my birthday as it was stressing me out and causing me anxiety. Apparently he doesnt give a damn that he has broken all my rules about badgering me, let alone his own promises last night and i am a bad girlfriend and now I need to do the running to get him back. So i have just ignored him and posted on here for strength

So thank you all for your support and i will read those books and just ignore

This has just given me chills.

I really hope this isnt right but i am not as certain as i wish i was and also not intending to find out.

Your last post, he is still reeling you in, pacifying you with negotiations, making you believe he loves you and is jealous , wanting your time and attention, he's lying, this is a facade.

He needs to get you into a specific possition and that's being tied to him, isolated and being fully used like an appliance whist he then gets on with his life.

You are merely a bit player in his life, on his stage, everything needs to revolve arround him.

Then you will be devalued, then dehimanised if you fight against the power and if you become too ill from his treatment, then you will be discarded.

A timeline of pain awaits you.

@TulipCity has him sussed OP.
You need to end it now.

Kendrick kitten that was before I read her future posts

glad you can reach a judgement quicker than me

shame you didn’t read the whole thread and see my subsequent posts!

When he is not being a cold,impatient, stubborn rock we get on amazingly well,

Fair enough.

I couldn't be doing with the rollercoaster. I couldn't rid myself of the suspicion that he could control himself if he wanted to and is getting something from blowing hot and cold with you.

And I wouldn't care, I just wouldn't have him in my life. Life really is too short for this level of drama.

Surprise, surprise he isn't 100% horrible and thinks you should put up with his antics.

You have a choice here. I really hope that you make the right choice. And, if you get rid, brace yourself for him to change his tactics to try and worm his way back into his life.

Meanwhile, have a read of the Lundy Bancroft bookk* and maybe look at the https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

Stop wondering why he does it and how you can get him to stop, and switch to making sure he can't do this to you any more.

What advice would you give to DC, siblings or just friends caught in this kind of trap? Do that, get rid.

woke up to a message saying that he thought i should skip my Tuesday night running/social club (another source of jealousy/insecurity) and come talk to him again and that I needed to prioritise our relationship

Cripes - it went from him promising to listen and stop pressuring you to manipulating you into giving running club a swerve pretty quickly, didn't it? I wonder if he'd have been more inclined to give you some space if it wouldn't have cost him the opportunity to control your social life... Incidentally, what's his general attitude towards you spending time with your friends?

Apparently he doesnt give a damn that he has broken all my rules about badgering me, let alone his own promises last night and i am a bad girlfriend and now I need to do the running to get him back. So i have just ignored him and posted on here for strength

OP - from your long update - the ONLY thing that is important here is the above.

Are you seeing how his WORDS differ to enormously from his ACTIONS now?
He sees your pain, & weaponises it to pull you back in line, Back in control.
He lies about giving you space, then invades it.

All of your brain fog, confusion & try-hard is due to the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing between his WORDS & his ACTIONS.

He is going to ramp up his tactics because he will be disconcerted by your request for space. He can't respect that - if you are out of his control for 5 minutes, he feels that he is losing power.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Don't reply to his badgering messages until you feel good & ready.
When you do - "I asked for space which you agreed to give me, & now here you are again still being demanding. I don't need to chase you - I need SPACE - & as you refuse to let me have it, it's best we call this quits. I wish you all the best in future, but no longer wish to see you. Don't contact me again."

That last sentence is REALLY important OP.
You need a written record of asking him to not contact you.
Then - when he does - (do not respond in ANY way) - just two instances of further contact is actionable.
At that point, screenshot the messages, & report to the police.
Ask for an officer versed in harrassment/stalking/coercive control/DA.
They WILL hear you, you WILL be helped. Likely in the form, initially, of a short 'polite' visit, warning him off you.
If even that doesn't stop him, you will qualify for a restraining order or non-mol.

Not looking to frighten you OP, but please be on your guard to ensure you take the correct steps to protect yourself in law, as he is not going to let you go easily.

I did. See my subsequent posts!

16 months, pills to cope with the anxiety, constant trips abroad, no job. Car crash.

This.
Can't you see how awful he is?

I think you're just the wrong person for him, and vice versa. I wouldn't have put up with his nonsense for a second, but you're just letting him get away with it so much that it's making you ill. You're too soft, too vulnerable and easily hurt to be able to deal with a bully AND THERE'S NO NEED FOR IT. LTB.

Please read the book that a PP linked to up thread. then come back on and tell us what you thought of it.

In the meantime don’t contact him again in any way. You need some space .

By 42 surely you should know enough to recognise that you don't know someone properly right from the start - you made a crazy decision to get pregnant by a complete stranger. He then turned out to be a complete dickhead, though frankly most men would react badly at their partner going to a naked sauna with a male friend.

Stay strong OP, call his bluff and don't look back.
Wish you all the best x

He is a bad man. Leave him right away. Having no boyfriend is much much better than being abused, coerced and belittled by this man. Believe this. As a previous poster said, would you want your daughter in this relationship? Block, leave, ignore.

A huge no, and he will probably involve the kids in his mind games at some point if you continue with him.

One more thing, his attractiveness, what you find ridiculously attractive, others will too.

And you don't think he will use this to control, to flirt, insinuate, have EA's or even affairs to triangulate you to get you in line, do you think he's oblivious to his own sexual charisma?

His words mean nothing at the moment, I can hear your protestations saying I don't want him to contact me, I need space.

No you don't, be honest you want him to fall to the alter of your love, you adore him, you are not in control and are deluding yourself about the power in this union.

End it, it will hurt, really hurt but honestly you arn't strong enough for what could come, you think you are, if you were you would not be posting pontificating and convincing yourself he is jealous and he cares too much and you can't lose your independance.

Everthing you feel he knows, he can read you like a book.
I'm sure you're a beautiful woman but he will compete with you for his own ego, you are already doubting yourself, his sense of self depends on him being the adored one, he will turn this one round as quick as.

It is beyond horrifying that you have allowed this man such absolute power over you in such a short amount of time.

You have children.

They need you well.

You are consumed by him and his demands.

What about your children?

Is he so much more important to you than them?

Sadly it sounds like it.

Prove that wrong and start thinking about them.

They are so vulnerable to what is going on in your life and your poor mental health.

Protect your mental health, protect yourself and your children.

Get away from this awful abusive loser.

He is only concerned about controlling you and using you like a toy to be broken and discarded.

I need compassion and patience and understanding and for him to bite his tongue when he wants to say something inflammatory

Everyone needs that. If you have to ask for it - let alone beg, repeatedly - he's not relationship material and never will be.

Bloody hell, OP, this guy is a classic narcissist. He’s controlling, demanding, insecure, jealous and likes you to be in a sobbing heap because then you’ll d9 anything to pacify him. This is surely not the relationship model you want to show your children? He’s treating you appallingly, one minute it’s a business transaction, the next he’s controlling you and trying to control past actions! You have suicidal thoughts because of him? What would you tell a friend/your child about this relationship if they were telling you they were suicidal and sobbing in a heap? Please, please have some dignity and leave this horrendous relationship. He is disgraceful.

Rtft... I didn't go to a naked sauna with a male friend.

So update... I am done, you don't all need to keep saying it.

I went for my running club and didn't bail to see him so by the time I got home he had removed himself from our WhatsApp group. A group I made him because he seemed fundamentally lacking in self control in terms of not battering me verbally despite saying himself we should not discuss anything over WhatsApp

I called it Stop! Think! Contentious? And wasted lots of my valuable time making a red circled logo saying been thinking? Stop typing !. He thought it was funny a few days ago but I told him it wasn't funny and no I didn't have time to waste on such things but it was vitally important if we were to survive
Only two days later he has filled said thread with exactly what it was set up to avoid and then removed himself from it.

So he has proven all your points tenfold

@Bedraggledmumoftwo

I've cried way more years than he would ever deserve tonight. But actually his choosing to remove himself from the tool I built him to facilitate him not shitting all over my rules says it all sadly.p