Help about to break up with insecure partner, need advice.

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Need some advice, saw the thread on here about an insecure boyfriend and it resonated with some of my issues but I wanted to start my own thread as I am in a quandary about my current partner.

We have been together for 16 months. Both divorced and hit it off straight from the outset and were madly in love within weeks...
Talked about moving in together and I even got my coil removed on the very slim off chance we might conceive although I'm 42 and suffered premature menopause.

2 months in we had our first misunderstanding when I went on holiday
with a longstanding male travel buddy. All was fine until I made a flip comment about the naked sauna and he kicked off about it. I thought it was all my fault for the thoughtless comment and was very apologetic and worried Id killed off our budding relationship.

2 months later we went away together and ended up having our first proper row as I organised everything and was really stressed and he came along for the ride- he got on his high horse and wouldnt listen to me trying to explain to help him understand me (I'm under a lot of stress and people take advantage of the fact that I look calm on the surface but am paddling furiously underneath to keep afloat. I spent the night and next day crying as I didn't like the cold hard lecturing side of him but he later recognised he had been a dick and let me do everything and would never let that happen again.

Since then there has been a gradual deterioration and I have seen that side of him more and more despite becoming more and more fragile myself (anxiety/stress/depression
and two road traffic accidents leading to ongoing injuries and lots of work stress/bullying where I felt forced to resign and had months of stressful jobseeking).

As far as I can make out the times that he turns nasty are all because he is jealous/insecure but he reacts badly if I say that and says it is a perceived lack of commitment on my part. And he's right- I pull back when he behaves like this and said we shouldn't move in after all once we started arguing, to protect both our kids from potential fallout, have refused to book non-cancellable holidays long in
advance and even got my coil put back in, partly to help my hormones but partly because I didn't want to risk getting pregnant.
So he is right that I am not committing as I am essentially protecting myself and my kids (and his) from what has become a turbulent relationship.

When he is not being a cold,impatient, stubborn rock we get on amazingly well, I am ridiculously attracted to him and we have the best sex I've ever had. Passion is not the problem and he thinks I am silly to throw our relationship away but he has pushed me so hard I've had panic attacks and begun to have suicidal thoughts and he doesn't stop haranguing me or arguing with me until after I'm a sobbing heap saying that we are through and usually he eventually admits he was a dick and apologises and we are ok until the next time, but my trusting him with my fragile mental state reduces with each incident. He reacts to this with more pressure to commit and we end up arguing again. Apparently he and his ex wife used to argue a lot but it wasn't a problem- I'm just not built like that at the best of times let alone when I'm having mental health issues but he is physically incapable of biting his tongue or treating me with compassion.

Does anyone think there is any hope?

OP, he is utterly ruthless in what he wants.

Can you not see that.

He doesn't care about you or your needs.

Just his.

You need to be brave and find the strength to be ruthless to and put your well-being and your childrens ahead of this awful man.

He means you harm.

Please block him and protect yourself and your children.

When he upsets and harms you, he is doing the very same to your children.

Oh OP what a prat he is. May I suggest the following message?
"I have said everything I wish to say. The relationship is over. Do not contact me again. If you do, I will report this to the police due to your harassment. Goodbye."
Then do not respond. When the messages start coming, report them on 101. Get a locksmith to change your locks (I know you said he gave the keys back, that doesn't mean he didn't have a copy). After such a short time there's no way of knowing whether he is actually capable of turning up or doing anything untoward so for the sake of a few pounds you have peace of mind. Get the flight changed to your friends name. Tell friends, family, kids etc... and start living your life. There are lovely men out there who will value you for you. It's not your job to fix him and his comic book store full of issues.

P.s I know that you didn't go into the naked sauna with a man, but for future reference if you love and trust someone you don't worry if they've gone into a naked orgy with a member of the opposite sex because you know they value your relationship ;)

P.p.s happy birthday, don't let him rob you of that x

Please stop engaging with him and trying to get him to see reason. You're assuming that he's a nice, straightforward person like you who ultimately just wants a happy, loving relationship - for whatever reason, he isn't and never will be.

I know. I dont even have any hope of us being together, i just somehow hoped he might be nice today even though its over and I initially assumed his message would just say happy birthday.

I'm also very British and polite and unable to just ignore someone. I was going to send something nice but final in response to the first one but didnt have time to formulate it before I had the physical stress reaction as soon as i saw the second message chastising me for not having replied by 9.10 am on my birthday (he knows whenever anyone asks me what i want for my birthday i say sleep!).

I know it is unhealthy but i havent got through the stages of grief yet and I have already said I'm in a mental health crisis. I really loved him even if he doesnt believe it because his ways of showing love are different to mine. When i've repeatedly asked for space it was to save us not to push him away.

But it is actually good that he did send those messages today of all days. He very clearly demonstrated we had no future so hopefully that will help me on the path towards acceptance

through the stages of grief yet

I get you @Bedraggledmumoftwo

Time to dig down and start getting angry at him. You can do that, you have do got this.

I think you must be very unwell to get a buzz from this drama.
It is not one bit normal to actively seek out to engage with such drama.

I dont get a buzz from this drama, i have a physical sick feeling palpitations stress reaction to this drama. I wanted to avoid and stop that horrible feeling. And i pushed it down, took some beta blockers and waited till the kids had gone before i replied at all. I didnt want to engage with drama, i wanted it to go away.
I really didnt expect him to message me at all, but given his first message was nice and non accusatory i was trying to work out how to let him down gently in my head and confirm it was over when i saw the second one. And I do love him and didnt want to hurt him further. I recognise that he isnt good for me and I am not good for him but i am on good terms with all my exes. I simply can't stand conflict. My ex-husband and i now get on well having removed the marriage from the mix.

I also find it hard to let things go. I got sucked back in by my cheating ex husband 5 times before we finally got divorced. The OW also got sucked in as many times or more at the same time. It is easy to say what to do from the outside. It is harder to do it. But I am doing it. I moved onto here for support and said before you all could that I realised i was unreasonable for responding at all!

Going to try and have a good birthday and get him out of my head but it is hard. 😰

Oh dear. I'm so sorry that your birthday was ruined.

It would have been better to have deleted both his messages and not spoken to him at all. There was no need to engage. I actually thought that you'd decided it was over and that you weren't going to stay in contact with him.

Honestly, OP. He isn't worth it. You can analyse the situation till the cows come home but it won't change the fact that he's a complete bastard, intent on controlling and destroying you.

This is the kind of man who ends up killing his partner (or ex-partner) because of perceived slights. They justify murdering their wife/girlfriend/ex-wife/ex-girlfriend on the grounds that they DESERVED IT.

These men are not rational. He will not change. Please, OP - stop engaging with him. Do not allow him the satisfaction.

Happy Birthday, anyway!

I am angry now.

Partly with myself for responding, but that is a learned reaction as i have been trained for a year that if i dont respond it will rile him up more and make him worse and therefore make me feel worse.

But mostly with him for thinking that pressure and an ultimatum on my birthday would make me want to spend time with him.

Who the fuck does he think he is!

Right, payroll is done. Going to help my kids make me a birthday cake and try not to think about it. 🎂

have just bought myself a birthday present!

My good friend is very like you, she has some mental block about conflict and needing to be liked, even when she doesn’t like the other person.

you know what you need to do, block him. He’s telling you, we’re telling you, anyone who would care about you would do the same. You won’t.

Ultimately, this all becomes a bit naval gazing and a waste of energy when you make the choice to continue this cycle.

for whatever reason, you want this to continue, more than you want it to stop.

Think on that. Seriously get the counselling that you need, to make your life and well being better. You are responsible for more than just yourself when you become a mother.

Happy Birthday @Bedraggledmumoftwo. It’s my DH’s birthday too. He’s also an accountant. Well he’s retired now.

For your birthday please promise yourself you will sign up to the freedom programme. It’s definitely not only for physical abuse. I think it would benefit you hugely.

And in the meantime you really don’t have to respond to him. Take some deep breaths and walk away from the phone.

Happy Birthday OP
Try and pit this absolute tool out of your mind for the rest of the day and enjoy your kids.
Block him on everything you can.

Please do post your phone model and email provider (e.g. gmail, outlook.com) and we will be MORE than happy to help you block this prick.

I can't quite get over the juvenile, passive aggressive 'you should block me so I'm not tempted to contact you when you clearly don't care' bullshittery. Putting every aspect of the relationship problem on your shoulders. I think when you've put this behind you, you will be able to look back and laugh at what a ludicrous tosser he was.

But also a highly toxic one; I second the recommendation to get yourself on the Freedom Programme.

"And i pushed it down, took some beta blockers and waited till the kids had gone before i replied at all"

You had to take medication before you replied to him, OP.
He was cruel and abusive on your birthday. THINK ON THAT.

Please block him. We can help you with that if you don't know how, but block him to fuck.

Well done on ordering the book. It's a true eye opener. Don't be distracted by the fact that many of the case studies involve physical violence; it's very relevant to emotional abuse as well.

I remember reading an Amazon review of "Why Does He Do That?" at one time, by a man who said it was useless because it didn't stop him abusing his family. The idea that he may have some personal responsibility in the matter, that it was not up to the book's author to say the words that would magically change his behaviour, just did not seem to occur to him. That sounds rather like your now-ex partner blaming you for failing to block him on your phone, rather than his own lack of self-control in not calling. Not that I believe it's about self-control if the truth were told. It's about giving himself permission to trample all over your boundaries.

He is blocked. Had a nice evening with kids and seeing friends tomorrow . Sadly my friend can't get time off work for my holiday but it will be the first time I've actually had a proper lie and read a book holiday in more than a decade so will ring BA and cut my losses tomorrow

Thanks for the support. He really is an arrogant arsehole. I can't believe I didn't see it before.

Thank god he is blocked. He really is an abuser.

do not let him in your home when be shows up on your doorstep. Do not give an inch. He was never a nice man. This was never a good relationship. The good bits were only ever to ensure you didn't leave an abuser.

you repeatedly told an abuser to respect your boundaries. In doing so you showed you had no respect for them yourself. Make sure you do the freedom programme as a pp suggested, or do it again.

I’ve been where you are - I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Your thread shook me, a stark reminder. A trusted friend told me “he draws you back in”, and this became my mantra & I was able to keep away.

The MBTI is a pile of rubbish. I know through research & my work. Devote that energy to yourself instead.

Now I sit in bliss, on my couch, in my house. My relationship with my kids is fixed and strong, my health is good, I am flourishing. No more stupid games, flounced, gifts given/returned, ex politics (this is highly toxic, I had similar involvements with his ex), and best of all, I have clarity and agency about who I allow in my life.

You are too precious to be treated in this way. Stay away from this man.

You are too precious to be treated in this way. Stay away from this man.

Wise words indeed from @Morethanthat

Thanks all for the support. It has really helped. Going to have a nice day with kids- Christmas light switch on later🌲🎄✨

Don't mistake his persistance with love, he is a bully.

@FinallyHere is right, you are no match for this forthright man.

My friend got me an awesome present!

Perfect!! Your friend is ace.

Really hope you’re ok @Bedraggledmumoftwo x