Help about to break up with insecure partner, need advice.

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Need some advice, saw the thread on here about an insecure boyfriend and it resonated with some of my issues but I wanted to start my own thread as I am in a quandary about my current partner.

We have been together for 16 months. Both divorced and hit it off straight from the outset and were madly in love within weeks...
Talked about moving in together and I even got my coil removed on the very slim off chance we might conceive although I'm 42 and suffered premature menopause.

2 months in we had our first misunderstanding when I went on holiday
with a longstanding male travel buddy. All was fine until I made a flip comment about the naked sauna and he kicked off about it. I thought it was all my fault for the thoughtless comment and was very apologetic and worried Id killed off our budding relationship.

2 months later we went away together and ended up having our first proper row as I organised everything and was really stressed and he came along for the ride- he got on his high horse and wouldnt listen to me trying to explain to help him understand me (I'm under a lot of stress and people take advantage of the fact that I look calm on the surface but am paddling furiously underneath to keep afloat. I spent the night and next day crying as I didn't like the cold hard lecturing side of him but he later recognised he had been a dick and let me do everything and would never let that happen again.

Since then there has been a gradual deterioration and I have seen that side of him more and more despite becoming more and more fragile myself (anxiety/stress/depression
and two road traffic accidents leading to ongoing injuries and lots of work stress/bullying where I felt forced to resign and had months of stressful jobseeking).

As far as I can make out the times that he turns nasty are all because he is jealous/insecure but he reacts badly if I say that and says it is a perceived lack of commitment on my part. And he's right- I pull back when he behaves like this and said we shouldn't move in after all once we started arguing, to protect both our kids from potential fallout, have refused to book non-cancellable holidays long in
advance and even got my coil put back in, partly to help my hormones but partly because I didn't want to risk getting pregnant.
So he is right that I am not committing as I am essentially protecting myself and my kids (and his) from what has become a turbulent relationship.

When he is not being a cold,impatient, stubborn rock we get on amazingly well, I am ridiculously attracted to him and we have the best sex I've ever had. Passion is not the problem and he thinks I am silly to throw our relationship away but he has pushed me so hard I've had panic attacks and begun to have suicidal thoughts and he doesn't stop haranguing me or arguing with me until after I'm a sobbing heap saying that we are through and usually he eventually admits he was a dick and apologises and we are ok until the next time, but my trusting him with my fragile mental state reduces with each incident. He reacts to this with more pressure to commit and we end up arguing again. Apparently he and his ex wife used to argue a lot but it wasn't a problem- I'm just not built like that at the best of times let alone when I'm having mental health issues but he is physically incapable of biting his tongue or treating me with compassion.

Does anyone think there is any hope?

Well done, OP. Please keep posting here for strength.

This is unlikely to be the last you hear of him. Right now he will be plotting how to ‘win’ at this drama. But stay strong and keep him at arm’s length.

Your future life is so much better than this. Keep moving towards it. Congratulations on breaking free.

Yes it is. I'm not saying he has it, but his behaviours certainly match with a lot of mine when I was un-therapised and unmedicated. And of course, the more conflict happens, the more you'll become wary and back away, that's a totally healthy and natural reaction. I don't think neurotypical (I know BPD isn't strictly neurodiversity, but I mean people with "normal" brains) will ever do enough to satisfy the BPD-haver's desperate need for validation, and you're right it absolutely is a vicious circle. The more someone backs away, the more the BPD-haver clings on, even when it's clear it's just horrible for everyone. Unless he recognises he has a problem and makes dedicated efforts to change with the help of professionals, he never will.

You will take what you will from these posts op but try not to make excuses for him.

I believe he's quite dangerous with anger issues and a temper, you reaching out to his ex is quite telling as in you are requesting someone to understand the abuse.

He is livid at you being in touch with her, nothing to do with co parenting, he just doesn't want you knowing how abusive he is, and he is.
The rage, will become the norm unless you get in line, this man has a timetable, an agenda and your wishes are not to be considered, I don't believe for one minute he is insecure.

He will also punish you if you try to go no contact, he will show you how desirable he is to other women, and you will try to stop him from going with other women just in case you stay together.
Your mind needs to be set on drawing a line under him because otherwise you are going to become ill.

I would read up on narcissists, H G Tudor is a good one because it lists the different types, classes and intellegence types of them, it will give you an understanding of how he thinks and how he will react and believe me it's got nothing to do with love, he doesn't understand the meaning of it.

I would read up on narcissists, H G Tudor is a good one because it lists the different types, classes and intellegence types of them, it will give you an understanding of how he thinks and how he will react and believe me it's got nothing to do with love, he doesn't understand the meaning of it.

Yup - see also -
https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula

Don't fall down the rabbit hole of trying to diagnose/excuse/analyse though Bedraggled. The info is to help you understand SO THAT YOU CAN MOVE ON. So you can recognise patterns, spot red flags, learn how to avoid, manage, deflect this kind of person when you encounter them.

Narcissism is one of the "cluster-B" personality disorders.
Antisocial / Histrionic / Narcissistic / Borderline.
(with apologies to @TedMullins who has been extraordinarily honest & kindly).

Very, very few cluster-B's ever make it to therapy/medication.
Most of them are perfectly content with bulldozering everyone else to get what they want. They see nothing wrong with themselves - they have no accountability, play the blame game, manufacture discord, & thrive off the melodrama.

So bear in mind that our co-PP Ted is the exception, not the rule.
And kudos to you Ted. My mother has BPD. She doesn't have your awareness, sensitivity, or self-responsibility.

www.healthline.com/health/cluster-b-personality-disorders#traits

Ooops sorry OP - forgot to attach link.

My ex-h was diagnosed with NPD so i know more than there is to know about that! He did eventually make it into therapy and medication, although i think the therapy was to make a show of fixing it back when he still thought there was a chance we werent getting divorced... He is now in a happy healthy (I believe) relationship!

Thank you. And sorry about your mum.

Have just been reading about DARVO and it is exactly what i have been experiencing. - I say he has failed to do what he promised(stop haranguing me) and that has undermined my commitment

Deny- I'm a good person, i love you completely and am completely committed to you- actively disagrees with suggestion that if he loved me he would fulfil his promise to stop picking fights as this is not how you define love.
Attack- actually I am a brilliant boyfriend- but you are not good at relationships, you have a lot to learn and actually the problem is you not committing.
Reverse- and actually it is you that is argumentative and you are causing this with your behaviour because you havent agreed with my analysis above.
Victim- look at how you talked about me to my ex-wife and risked my co-parenting relationship with her. Are you even going to apologise to me for that? Then (despite the fact i told you last night i would give you space) If you want to fix our relationship you need to to see me in person- can you commit to a time when you are going to do that
Offender- (after i do both those things) Actually i've decided I don't want to see you unless you beg- you have failed and made me lose faith so now I'm not making contact, you need to build bridges with me, i expect you to do the running for a change. Suggested responses would be "yes let's go out Friday!" or "please can i see you tomorrow".

12 hours later after no response: left group. 😪

Friday is my birthday, I specifically told him i didnt want to go to what he had booked as the stress of wondering if it was a good idea was making me anxious. He said at the time he understood.

Actually, thinking about it if he actually loved me and wanted to do something nice on my birthday he would have said here are the tickets, why dont you take a friend instead! Not keep pressuring me to go with him, knowing it is causing me stress and anxiety and given the current dynamic would actually ruin my birthday!

He has said so many things but never sticks to them for long unless his own demands have been met. I was actually hopeful with the myers briggs stuff that he was actually recognising what he couldnt do without pushing me away but then went on to do all of those things on the thread with flashing neon signs reminding him he promised not to.

So sad now😰

I'm so sorry you're upset and sad, OP, especially with your birthday coming up.
It's quite telling that you were even anxious about the likely outcome and drama which his way of "celebrating" it was going to bring to you. That isn't how healthy relationships should work. Birthday treats should be pleasurable.
I hope you continue to be strong and to see how deliberately cruel this man has been to you.

My ex-husband was a controlling, violent bully. Once we were divorced (it took me ten years of utter misery to do it) he moved in with a new woman, who became pregnant quite quickly. She ended up phoning me in great distress after her baby was born, desperately trying to understand why everything she said and did annoyed him. (He was hitting her, of course)
I did my best to get her to realise that HE was the problem - and that she needed to get herself and the baby away from him ASAP - and she did. The baby was about a year old when she broke free from him.

Please, OP, stay strong. I know it's very sad when there's a break-up but this man is not a good person, and the relationship was unhealthy and probably dangerous for you and your children. Please, don't get sucked back in.

Keep him blocked. We're here for you on this thread if you need support.

Pretty decent DARVO analysis OP!

But please look again at this -
Offender- (after i do both those things) Actually i've decided I don't want to see you unless you beg- you have failed and made me lose faith so now I'm not making contact, you need to build bridges with me, i expect you to do the running for a change

Instead of MAINTAINING YOUR STATED BOUNDARY of wanting space & no messaging for a while - you re-engaged.
Those 2 things he wanted you to do, in the Victim section of his rant? - you gave him the apology he demanded, & you gave in to his demand to arrange to meet.

You seriously need to stop getting dragged back in to this endless, depressing, maddening circular comms with him. YOU WILL NEVER MAKE HIM SEE THE LIGHT. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. So why are you still flogging this dead horse?

When are you going to block him everywhere bar email, then send that last "we're done" email?
You are never going to escape this man's clutches until you do just that.

Friday is my birthday, I specifically told him i didnt want to go to what he had booked as the stress of wondering if it was a good idea was making me anxious. He said at the time he understood.
OK - so far so good, from your side.
Apart from you know damn well he won;t stick to anything he promises.
So in reality, it was yet another fruitless conversation.

Actually, thinking about it if he actually loved me and wanted to do something nice on my birthday he would have said here are the tickets, why dont you take a friend instead! Not keep pressuring me to go with him, knowing it is causing me stress and anxiety and given the current dynamic would actually ruin my birthday!
Bedraggled - STOP THIS.
There is NO 'correct' way for him to act about your birthday.
The only thing you need from him on your birthday if FOR HIM TO NOT BE PART OF IT, NOT CONTACT YOU, NOT TURN UP, NOT MANIPULATE YOU WITH CARDS, PRESENTS etc.
So stop fantasising about how he might be able to be part of your birthday.
Or your life - full stop.

He has said so many things but never sticks to them for long unless his own demands have been met. I was actually hopeful with the myers briggs stuff that he was actually recognising what he couldnt do without pushing me away but then went on to do all of those things on the thread with flashing neon signs reminding him he promised not to.
YOU ARE NOT HIS PSYCHIATRIST.
You are not qualified to diagnose him, analyse him, treat him, & you will NEVER change him.
Please, for the love of dog, stop trying.
Just ditch him, block him, get a Ring doorbell & spend the rest of your life without him in it.

It's really positive that you have spent so much time trying to understand what has been happening with this man, why he does what he does, and how he is manipulating and controlling you. However, at some point you need to stop because there is a risk that you'll just end up ruminating endlessly. BTDT....

He has said so many things but never sticks to them for long unless his own demands have been met.

UNLESS HIS OWN DEMANDS HAVE BEEN MET.

That's the gist of it and ultimately the reason why you'd never be happy with him.

You now need to focus on yourself and on your and your children's best interests, so that you can carve out a life for yourself - a life that meets your needs. I'm sure you can do it once you've rid yourself of him.

Thanks All.

I havent responded at all since i did what he wanted at the victim stage around 9am yesterday. After i saw the offender stage messages I ignored him completely and started this thread to keep me occupied and strong!

I already have a video doorbell but think it needs charging so will do that now!

I won't ruminate endlessly but i will probably keep going over all the hurtful things he has said in my head for a few days. In the short term i think that is probably good as if he does reappear then i will not be thinking i miss him, i will still be thinking he is a bully.

I'm more trying to understand how i have inadvertently ended up in a similar situation to with my Ex-H without seeing it or avoiding it.

"I'm more trying to understand how i have inadvertently ended up in a similar situation to with my Ex-H without seeing it or avoiding it"

Yes. And this is where the Freedom Programme comes in. It will help you enormously to avoid a similar situation in the future.

yay, something has finally gone right. I rang BA to ask if there was any way to change the second persons name on my holiday booking and they said yes for only £100! Now i need to find someone to come with me, but i dont have to go on a depressing solo waste of money trip

99% of the time he's wonderful?

And yet you're on MEDICATION to help you when he's horrible

What
The
Actual
Fuck

I'm so sorry to say this, OP, but sort yourself out. Are you mad? He's ABUSING you

A solo trip could be fab. I went to Greece alone last year for a week and loved it. My sister did similar. It was after our dad died and being alone for a week was bliss. Lots of reading and chilling and not having to factor anyone else in.

At the moment it sounds like my friend who is in the process of breaking up with her partner of 22 years might be able to come so that would be good. If she can't i will still go on my own.

How are you doing today, OP?

It's early days still. I'm glad about the holiday.

I'm ok, haven't had any attempted contact from him and my video doorbell is now charged! It was bin day last night so I put them across my driveway in case he decided to show up uninvited as it was the first night he wouldn't have had his kid.

I don't actually think he will try and contact me though- in his last flurry of decrees he said it was up to me to reach out to him and he is very stubborn so I don't see him breaking that! Also when we were looking at mbti definitions the other night it said he would cut his losses and shut off.

"if they determine that a relationship is heading towards a dead end, they will cut their losses and move on in what will seem to their partner an abrupt end to the attention they had been receiving.

This occasional ruthlessness with personal relationships is Commanders’ primary weakness, and if they aren’t careful they can develop quite the reputation. Sensing others’ feelings and emotions will never be a comfortable skill for Commanders, but it is critical that they work consciously to develop it, both for their partners’ sake and for their own healthy emotional expression. If they don’t, they risk dominating and overruling their partners, and this insensitivity can easily break a relationship"

He had definitely done this to the person he was seeing before me- she was practically stalking him and he had blocked her and showed me some of her emails that showed that they had had an argumentative relationship but always got back together until he had just completely gone no contact and she was upset and confused- by then he had moved on (to me!) And was starting the cycle again....

So glad you have seen the light. His ex was possibly staying in contact and checking up on you because she knows exactly what he is like and was worried about you. Especially when you contacted her as he is so horrible he gave you a panic attack. She could see the cycle happening again.

I am sure he will turn up at some point, but don't get sucked back in. It will hurt at first, but I bet you will see a notable improvement in your mental health without him in your life.

Whist you are pontificating about whether he will miss you or not he will be deciding how much effort to put into this, after all he probably has more potential leads (women) that are on standby to entertain him, they never not have back ups, and this will occur if he stays with you or not.

He won't spend his time missing you, these types don't, you either accept he is the boss or you don't.
No ammount of understanding or education will get you to be the one in control in this union.
You have met your match and he will win.

They have primary relationships but always have others to gain fuel from.

He's also making you ill and crushing your spirit, can you not see this.

Oh, I'm not pontificating about whether he will miss me, it is that all the posters on here are saying that this won't be the last I've heard of him but i think it will. Due to stubbornness and pride mostly. Which is why i haven't bothered to send any final message to repeat that it is over and tell him not to contact me as other posters have suggested- I just blocked him and ignored all his demands and don't expect to hear from him again. If i did send a "final" message he would take that as me opening the dialogue and i have no desire to spark that!

Yes, don't crack, this man has the ability to be very cruel.

I get it you adore him but he's not good for you.
He won't be good for anyone.

Find a kind person.