Help about to break up with insecure partner, need advice.

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Need some advice, saw the thread on here about an insecure boyfriend and it resonated with some of my issues but I wanted to start my own thread as I am in a quandary about my current partner.

We have been together for 16 months. Both divorced and hit it off straight from the outset and were madly in love within weeks...
Talked about moving in together and I even got my coil removed on the very slim off chance we might conceive although I'm 42 and suffered premature menopause.

2 months in we had our first misunderstanding when I went on holiday
with a longstanding male travel buddy. All was fine until I made a flip comment about the naked sauna and he kicked off about it. I thought it was all my fault for the thoughtless comment and was very apologetic and worried Id killed off our budding relationship.

2 months later we went away together and ended up having our first proper row as I organised everything and was really stressed and he came along for the ride- he got on his high horse and wouldnt listen to me trying to explain to help him understand me (I'm under a lot of stress and people take advantage of the fact that I look calm on the surface but am paddling furiously underneath to keep afloat. I spent the night and next day crying as I didn't like the cold hard lecturing side of him but he later recognised he had been a dick and let me do everything and would never let that happen again.

Since then there has been a gradual deterioration and I have seen that side of him more and more despite becoming more and more fragile myself (anxiety/stress/depression
and two road traffic accidents leading to ongoing injuries and lots of work stress/bullying where I felt forced to resign and had months of stressful jobseeking).

As far as I can make out the times that he turns nasty are all because he is jealous/insecure but he reacts badly if I say that and says it is a perceived lack of commitment on my part. And he's right- I pull back when he behaves like this and said we shouldn't move in after all once we started arguing, to protect both our kids from potential fallout, have refused to book non-cancellable holidays long in
advance and even got my coil put back in, partly to help my hormones but partly because I didn't want to risk getting pregnant.
So he is right that I am not committing as I am essentially protecting myself and my kids (and his) from what has become a turbulent relationship.

When he is not being a cold,impatient, stubborn rock we get on amazingly well, I am ridiculously attracted to him and we have the best sex I've ever had. Passion is not the problem and he thinks I am silly to throw our relationship away but he has pushed me so hard I've had panic attacks and begun to have suicidal thoughts and he doesn't stop haranguing me or arguing with me until after I'm a sobbing heap saying that we are through and usually he eventually admits he was a dick and apologises and we are ok until the next time, but my trusting him with my fragile mental state reduces with each incident. He reacts to this with more pressure to commit and we end up arguing again. Apparently he and his ex wife used to argue a lot but it wasn't a problem- I'm just not built like that at the best of times let alone when I'm having mental health issues but he is physically incapable of biting his tongue or treating me with compassion.

Does anyone think there is any hope?

Sorry .. just back up here a second. You are paying for these holidays where he sits by the pool and you get to play nanny, chef and housekeeper to everyone else?

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I assumed you were doing the organising of the holidays but not that you were also paying outright for this privilege. No wonder he thinks everything's fine.

Why are you spending your time now nursemaiding his feelings instead of looking after yourself? This relationship is an unmitigated disaster after a previously disastrous marriage. It's time to pull back, focus on yourself and learning how to have healthy relationships.

Your DC don't love him. Please don't hide behind your DC. If they are having to experience your BF behaviour, they are likely walking on eggshells and trying to ensure they keep him happy. Get yourself RL support as you have clearly brought another abusive man into yours and their lives

He has also been known to buy me expensive jewellery and then demand it back...

Oh, just fuck him off already. This is just an all-round head-fuck. Can you honestly not see the correlation between going out with this man and starting to have panic attacks??

He paid half of the joint busman's holiday ( well half of the accommodation and flights etc- I did all the shopping).

We went on a couple of trips just us last year that I paid for because I knew money was tight for him and I have lots of hotel points and airmiles and I was loved up and wanted to treat him. I would say roughly £1000 pounds between them. Then he bought me earrings for about that amount and I was secretly annoyed as I am quite frugal and don't like expensive presents and had been trying to help him save money by paying for holidays. So when he started citing them in the list of all the ways he has committed I was somewhat taken aback, and flabbergasted when he asked for them back the first time, which is why I later put them in his house and explained why the next time he mentioned them. Since then I have booked us two trips for around £3k total. In this case it was because I had a credit card I needed to spend £3k on to get a sign up bonus, and it wasn't that I was saying I would just pay, but that when his own card arrived he could spend on that instead to the same end. But when he asked me for the earrings back last week I was really shocked as he had been so upset by me putting them in his drawer in advance. And I said are you going to give me a thousand pounds for the holidays I've paid for he said that was my own stupid fault and no.

Run run run

or sprint even

theres a high level of dysfunction going on here

your gut is screaming to you and you are suffering mentally as you are ignoring your own boundaries

you have been through some tough things also and you need to process them too

i would tell him you need a break to reassess things and to get yourself in a better place

seek out workplace therapy - get some outside perspective on your life as a whole and go from there

youll never change him

I think you should dump him, take your travel buddy on the trips you've already booked and have a nice relaxing time (and a good cry if you need to) and totally cut him off.

But what do you want to do OP? You've asked for what you need and he refuses to give it to you.

'I had a horrific divorce from a coercively controlling partner'

I always worry about a poster when I read something like this. OP have you had any therapy, done The Freedom Programme, or done anything else to try and learn how to identify abusive men before you get involved with one again in future? Because if the answer to that is 'No', and you have admittedly poor mental health, which makes you vulnerable to abuse anyway, this could easily explain how you've seemingly stumbled into another bad relationship.

The rest however, is kicking you when you are down. Maybe you are 2
alpha people who both want to be in charge, so far he has let you be,
but resents it and picks on you because of it. I don't think you'll ever
work well together. You are doing too much to try and hold this
together, and wasting thousands on holidays that are destined to be
rubbish

Nail on head.

Since then there has been a gradual deterioration and I have seen that side of him more and more despite becoming more and more fragile myself (anxiety/stress/depression
and two road traffic accidents leading to ongoing injuries and lots of work stress/bullying where I felt forced to resign and had months of stressful jobseeking).
OP you have had a really hard time lately & anybody who cared about you would be making extra effort to make your life easier. Not manufacturing stress & causing needless rows.
You cannot possibly sustain your own physical & career recovery AND manage this awful man.
Even if you were at the top of your game right now - you should not have to be managing this awful man.

As far as I can make out the times that he turns nasty are all because he is jealous/insecure
He turns nasty because HE IS NASTY.
It's got fuck-all to do with jealousy or insecurity, & everything to do with anger & control.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

but he reacts badly if I say that and says it is a perceived lack of commitment on my part.
DARVO - the classic tactic of abusers everywhere -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

And he's right- I pull back when he behaves like this and said we shouldn't move in after all once we started arguing, to protect both our kids from potential fallout, have refused to book non-cancellable holidays long in
advance and even got my coil put back in, partly to help my hormones but partly because I didn't want to risk getting pregnant.
So he is right that I am not committing as I am essentially protecting myself and my kids (and his) from what has become a turbulent relationship.
He's not right.
Your pulling back is NOT the reason he causes rows & behaves nastily.
He does that all on his own bat - because he is a nasty, angry person.
You are responding reasonably & intelligently to his anger by protecting yourself & your DC from it.
He has no right to berate you for that - none AT ALL.

When he is not being a cold,impatient, stubborn rock we get on amazingly well, I am ridiculously attracted to him and we have the best sex I've ever had.
Yeah.
There are millions of men out there who you would get on well with, find attractive, & have great sex with. THESE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH REASONS TO TOLERATE THIS MAN'S NASTINESS. They are base requirements for a pleasant relationship - that's all. Don't fool yourself he is giving you anything special.

he thinks I am silly to throw our relationship away
I don't give a fuck what he thinks.
Neither should you.
He doesn't get to tell you what you are comfortable with, & he doesn't get a veto over your choice to pull back - or ditch him completely.
YOU DO NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION TO FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL, THINK WHAT YOU THINK, OR TO SLOW DOWN OR FINISH THE RELATIONSHIP.

but he has pushed me so hard I've had panic attacks and begun to have suicidal thoughts and he doesn't stop haranguing me or arguing with me until after I'm a sobbing heap saying that we are through
This is coercive control.
He is bullying you so hard that you end up weeping FFS.
How can you possibly consider this to be ok?

and usually he eventually admits he was a dick and apologises and we are ok until the next time,
So he bullies you until you cry & he can feel you've been given enough punishment.
Then gives you a little sop - a pretend apology - which is totally meaningless as he then just repeats his behaviour.

but my trusting him with my fragile mental state reduces with each incident.
It is calculated to.
He is gaining power over you every time he reduces you to tears, 'rewards' you by mouthing SorryNotSorry, keeps you walking on eggshells to avoid another episode of bullying.
It is the cycle of abuse, & he perpetuates it to control you & make it hard for you to leave -
www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse#the-cycle

He reacts to this with more pressure to commit and we end up arguing again.
Who does he think he is - pressuring you to give you more than you want to?
What other areas does he exert pressure on you about OP?
Start thinking about the pattern of his BEHAVIOUR & stop listening to his WORDS.

Apparently he and his ex wife used to argue a lot but it wasn't a problem-
Bullying is never a problem for the bully.
I bet his wife had a big problem with it.

Again - look at what he is doing here - instructing you what you are allowed to feel, telling you there's nothing wrong with his behaviour, just that your reaction to it is wrong, letting you know that no matter how much it hurts you, he sees nothing wrong with arguing bullying & is going to keep on doing it.

I'm just not built like that at the best of times let alone when I'm having mental health issues but he is physically incapable of biting his tongue or treating me with compassion.
Why do you want a man without compassion in your life?
In your DC's lives?

Does anyone think there is any hope?
YES!
You are one tough cookie OP. Look how much shit you've managed recently - & you are still, just, managing to keep afloat.
It's small wonder you need medication at the moment. It will also be small wonder when you eject this bully from your life & suddenly find you are feeling well enough to start reducing your meds ...

Being able to play games with your kids doesn't make him any less of a prick btw. Again - that's a base requirement of any decent adult.
And OPEN YOUR EYES - even this is is Favour Sharking (see Gavin de Becker) - he tells you you can't leave because he has fun with your kids! - can you see how performative his actions are, now you realise that he is using them to manipulate you with?

You are clearly a survivor, & an empathic, forgiving woman who has got herself & DC through some very hard times recently.
I see tremendous hope for you.

You just need to get shot of this demanding, selfish, angry & controlling man who regularly makes you cry.

OMG beware OP.
He is setting you up for a lovely bit of triangulation.
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-triangulation-in-psychology-5120617

"What's WRONG with you Bedraggled? Are you losing your marbles? LOOK - the kids LOVE me! You are the only one who's unhappy here. There is nothing wrong with constant arguments, I only harangue you til you cry because I care SO MUCH. If you'd just do what you;re told & let me move in, we could all be so happy. Why are you so stubborn, are you trying to make everyone else unhappy too? Give me what I want & I won't need to shout at you any more. Your kids love me - why can't you?"

Let him move in on you & your kids & see how he treats them then OP - once he reckons he has you where he wants you & is now king of the castle.

i need more examples of his actions as I can’t see how they have reduced you to needing various medications

@Quitelikeit you do NOT need more examples for crying out loud.
The arsehole regularly abuses OP until she is reduced to tears. So stressed out by his constant cold hard lecturing that she needs a beta blocker.

And you don't reckon that's enough?

He just seemed so lovely. And made me so happy a year ago. But you are all right. Now he makes me unhappy far more and does tip me over into panic attacks and worsens my depression.

I'm just so tired of everything and fed up with always being in pain and stressed. I got the coil put back in thinking maybe hormonal imbalance was contributing to that. Which was partly for him- I didn't want to be a burden with my mental health issues. But I didn't have mental health issues when I met him and although there are a number of contributing factors (serious injury, stress/ workplace bullying) I think the ever accelerating roller coaster of our relationship is the main thing that affects my mood.

I have just been hoping for more of the good times and less of the bad as the good feels so good. But that's probably love bombing😥

I've now spent thousands of pounds booking trips to show my commitment and wish I had stuck to my guns in refusing to.

WTF?

Please tell me he's paying his share of those thousands OP ...?

Now he makes me unhappy far more and does tip me over into panic attacks and worsens my depression

Stop telling all the stories in your head, and adding to the drama. It doesn;t matter why he does what he does, why he's changed, whether he means it etc

All you need to take notice of is that he's making you sick. Stay away from him like you would stay away from out of date prawns. You wouldn't need to know why or how they'd make you sick either, would you? You'd just avoid them like hell.

I didn't have mental health issues when I met him

OP, I'm just going to leave that there for you to read back a couple of times.

Again - look at what he is doing here - instructing you what you are allowed to feel, telling you there's nothing wrong with his behaviour, just that your reaction to it is wrong, letting you know that no matter how much it hurts you, he sees nothing wrong with arguing bullying & is going to keep on doing it.

Oh thank you so much, I feel so understood by most of your post but especially this bit. I've been trying to convey this to him for a week since I finally decided that he had been shitting all over my boundaries for a year and that it was time to leave - I think if he loved me he would just stop when I had repeatedly begged him to. But he vehemently disagrees. Almost in principle🤔

I'm just so tired of everything and fed up with always being in pain and stressed. I got the coil put back in thinking maybe hormonal imbalance was contributing to that. Which was partly for him- I didn't want to be a burden with my mental health issues. But I didn't have mental health issues when I met him and although there are a number of contributing factors (serious injury, stress/ workplace bullying) I think the ever accelerating roller coaster of our relationship is the main thing that affects my mood.

Well done on this & the Love Bombing insight OP.

Now - LTB before he grinds your self-esteem into the dirt.
Then - asap - pleas,e PLEASE do The Freedom Programme -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The level of abuse you have tolerated & tried to blame yourself for is worrying, & an indication that you have not healed from your previous controlling relationship. Please set yourself free, & be single for at least a year before you even consider dating again.

Hi @Quitelikeit - great post, & on the strength of it, I apologise & withdraw from my remarks to you at 15:42. Sorry!

You don't need anyone's permission to break it off with someone including the person you're seeing.

You don't need a reason other than you don't want to be with them anymore.

If he's likely to kick off in person then absolutely do it via a message.

Be factual.Don't apologise and don't use the term "Im sorry but".

ha! at "Almost in principle" - you've hit the nail on the head.

This is your gut instinct, screaming at you.
Because you KNOW right inside your body & subconscious that he is not desperate for 'more commitment' out of love for you - he is desperate for 'more power' in his control of you.

It's time to listen to yourself, Get that conscious mind ticking. Accept the horrible fact that you are being abused again.

Been there - done that. It's chokingly foul - admitting that we have become a victim. Just remember - this is not your shame, it is his.

Finish with him. Today if you can.
& do not seek permission to do so, do not invite discussion, do not allow him to tell you you are not allowed to finish it.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

See this too - I think you will find a wealth of recognistion & support via this community - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

And - to repeat myself - you NEED this book. You need it more than a diamond bracelet. You need it more than the Koh-i-Noor diamond. Buy yourself this gift of freedom & understanding, & empowerment to spot future red flags -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

& in a year, when you are ready to date again -
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Thanks will get those books. I have seen the why does he do that book recommended so many times, but with my ex-h he did gaslight and lie and cheat but that was because he was lying and cheating so I didnt need to ask why he was doing it as his occasional outbursts of anger were affair fog/guilt related. But now actually yes i will. Red flags galore but if you had asked me a week ago i would still have said i was hopeful that we would live happy ever after.😪

Oh my gosh OP, you didn't have mental health issues when you met him?
I thought you had and they'd worsened.
OP, there are no words for that, you need to get out.

Why doesn't matter. It's who he is and he likes it. That's it.
What matters is what you are going to do. Your kids wouldn't like him if they knew how bad he makes you feel.

Please just break it off for your own well-being.

He's not insecure and jealous, he's a controller. @Opentooffers is right , he has allowed you to believe you hold some power, in the beginining.

Ok I will say something you won't like to hear, your ex you state he was controlling, maybe he was to an extent, but he's got nothing on this one, you still holiday and are/can be invited to parties with him. That doesn't happen in the most abusive relationships when they end.

If you were to break up with this current man you would be banned from his life entirely, shunned and have a smear campaign against you, he's not arsed if he can't use you.
It' difficult to forwarn you how bad it will get but it will and I can see you've never experienced this level of control before, listen to@KettrickenSmiled and read up on this stuff.

*When he is not being a cold,impatient, stubborn rock we get on amazingly
well, I am ridiculously attracted to him and we have the best sex I've
ever had. *

You are ridiculously attracted to him, how predictable, there you were newly separated, (I wonder if this man was anything to do with your break up, they usually are,) you were love bombed and the confidence he gave you made you feel wonderful, now it's time to get you in line.
How he thinks ? He think's he's a stunner and better than you, you believed you held some sort of power, your own home, a divorce settlement, you paying for holidays, how come you're not top dog, calling the shots, wearing the trousers.
You are fighting for top status in this relationship, you thought you had it at the beggining, going away with male friends, talking about naked saunas making him understand you won't change for a man.
He hated you for that, it's payback time love, you've gotta get in line for the pretty boy now. You're in for a treat and you're going to find out exactly what he thinks of you, he's laughing at you and your weakness, sounds cruel ? well he is.

It's not working is it ? I honestly think you have never met someone like this, given time he will make your ex seem like a pussy cat, he will destroy your confidence, your health, your friendships, your support system and your life.
He's making you poorly and it's only just begun, I bet this ex wife of his had some mental health problems too, no doubt because she was shagging arround?
No, his account of her unfaithfulness probably dates back to when he first met her and she was not fully under control, just as you will be made out to be the adulteress for going away with your male friend. Everthing is designed for him to appear the victim, always will be, you don't realise how much of what he knows about you will be used against you at some point. Really you have no idea. I've got a feeling your marriage which folded was more equal than you realise, ( not saying he was good) but with this one ,naw, you have no power at all.

Really you have only just begun to feel the effects of this, get the hell out of there and run as fast as you can, this Adonis knows exactly what he is doing and you are out of your depth.

If you are on all these medications after this short period, christ after 5 years I bet you'd be dead.
He is much stronger than you, there is no shame in accepting that just don't allow yourself to find out how bad it will get.

He will destroy you.