Help about to break up with insecure partner, need advice.

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Need some advice, saw the thread on here about an insecure boyfriend and it resonated with some of my issues but I wanted to start my own thread as I am in a quandary about my current partner.

We have been together for 16 months. Both divorced and hit it off straight from the outset and were madly in love within weeks...
Talked about moving in together and I even got my coil removed on the very slim off chance we might conceive although I'm 42 and suffered premature menopause.

2 months in we had our first misunderstanding when I went on holiday
with a longstanding male travel buddy. All was fine until I made a flip comment about the naked sauna and he kicked off about it. I thought it was all my fault for the thoughtless comment and was very apologetic and worried Id killed off our budding relationship.

2 months later we went away together and ended up having our first proper row as I organised everything and was really stressed and he came along for the ride- he got on his high horse and wouldnt listen to me trying to explain to help him understand me (I'm under a lot of stress and people take advantage of the fact that I look calm on the surface but am paddling furiously underneath to keep afloat. I spent the night and next day crying as I didn't like the cold hard lecturing side of him but he later recognised he had been a dick and let me do everything and would never let that happen again.

Since then there has been a gradual deterioration and I have seen that side of him more and more despite becoming more and more fragile myself (anxiety/stress/depression
and two road traffic accidents leading to ongoing injuries and lots of work stress/bullying where I felt forced to resign and had months of stressful jobseeking).

As far as I can make out the times that he turns nasty are all because he is jealous/insecure but he reacts badly if I say that and says it is a perceived lack of commitment on my part. And he's right- I pull back when he behaves like this and said we shouldn't move in after all once we started arguing, to protect both our kids from potential fallout, have refused to book non-cancellable holidays long in
advance and even got my coil put back in, partly to help my hormones but partly because I didn't want to risk getting pregnant.
So he is right that I am not committing as I am essentially protecting myself and my kids (and his) from what has become a turbulent relationship.

When he is not being a cold,impatient, stubborn rock we get on amazingly well, I am ridiculously attracted to him and we have the best sex I've ever had. Passion is not the problem and he thinks I am silly to throw our relationship away but he has pushed me so hard I've had panic attacks and begun to have suicidal thoughts and he doesn't stop haranguing me or arguing with me until after I'm a sobbing heap saying that we are through and usually he eventually admits he was a dick and apologises and we are ok until the next time, but my trusting him with my fragile mental state reduces with each incident. He reacts to this with more pressure to commit and we end up arguing again. Apparently he and his ex wife used to argue a lot but it wasn't a problem- I'm just not built like that at the best of times let alone when I'm having mental health issues but he is physically incapable of biting his tongue or treating me with compassion.

Does anyone think there is any hope?

You are right though, if you decide to block he will move forward without a backward glance, he will not grieve, not pleasant to think he never cared but really these types don't care about anyone but themselves.

You may have been the stronger one in your last relationship, but you arn't in this one.

I had one very similar and I considered myself very strong but I was no match for his single minded strength. Some people are like machines how they operate, they don't negotiate.

Fancying someone and good sex is great at the start of a relationship but that’s enough for a solid long term relationship. As you’ve got to know him the real side of him is shining through. With my ex I regret not leaving the minute I saw his petty stubborn side as it just got worse and worse. Don’t regret our kids but in any future relationships I’m definitely going to be once bitten and twice shy and first sign of red flags think again. I saw that though and know it’s different when you’re with someone and have good times too, but when the bad are beginning to over take it’s time to step back. Don’t let your kids live in a toxic arguing environment.

Don't think the kids have ever seen us arguing thank goodness- I have been very clear that if we aren't on good terms he can't be around when the kids are.

But I do remember that the first time i saw him being like this (four months in- exactly a year ago when i took him to Poland for my birthday) I did spend the whole night and next day in tears exactly because i thought it was a massive red flag, completely reminded me of my ex in a narcissistic rage. But he managed to convince me that it was nothing and that we would get past it. (the only thing up until then had been the spa comment when i was away and i completely blamed myself for that for being thoughtless and clumsy as he told me I had been whereas now if i look at what i actually said I think was him putting me in my place)

In fact i am pretty sure at that point the first time he said we were still learning about each other and that he knew he couldnt be like that with me so I wrote it off as a blip, only for him to then be like that once a month from then on, and then fortnightly/weekly/daily at times if i was asking for space and he still hadnt got what he wanted.

A man should never make you cry, they should be there to wipe your tears away when others make you cry.

He's horrible.

OP,
I really hope you take a long break from men and take some serious time to look at all you accepted from him.

This has been a hard thread to read knowing that you have allowed this awful man impact your mental health so much whilst being resident parent to your children.

You really need to focus on how you protect yourself going forward, and your children by extention.

He is an absolute horror.

You stated by 99% of the time things were good but what you wrote was so shocking, I really don't understand how you came up with that math.

Have a look at that too because it reads as if you were fooling yourself for a long time, hence how he impacted your MH so much.

Best of luck going forward.

I'm actually an accountant so yes you are right 99% is a bit of an exaggeration.
I actually made a timeline last week because i said that I had told him i couldnt be in an argumentative relationship the last hundred times and he accused me of exaggerating. he was probably 99% nice in 2021 but has gradually deteriorated to about 70% in 2022 and in the last few months less than that😪

The thing is that he hasnt seen things as arguments, he thinks he is just criticising me and that that is fine or that we are having a debate. But i take things to heart, which is why we are fundamentally incompatible.

When i was looking at Myers Briggs the other day i saw an internet post saying could an ENTJ work with an ISFP and one of the comments was "hell no, I want someone i can fight with and reconcile an hour later. Those are definitely NTs". He absolutely has forgotten whatever argument an hour later, if he even recognised it as an argument in the first place, which he generally didnt. 😡

Arguments are strange things, they don't last long if one person apologises quickly and I've found that within a relationship that usually lands on one persons shoulders.

The problem is when you are fed up of conceeding or submitting all the time, when you begin to stand your ground that is when the shit hits the fan.

Only you know where you were placed in these conflicts, somebodies changed.

Good job for reflecting honestly.

I really hope you feel stronger soon.

So you were all right and I was wrong. He has come out of the woodwork and ruined my birthday

Oh I'm so sorry. What did he do?

p.s. He will only ruin your birthday if you let him. Grey Rock him.

Oh no, Bedraggled! What happened?

He sent me a text last night that I didnt see until this morning,

Today is my birthday, it is also an inset day for my kids and I am an accountant and have to get the payroll completed today so couldn't take the day off (I'm also working two jobs as my boss has downed tools).

Kids let me lie in and brought me tea at 9am. I had a load of happy birthday messages and also a message from him sent at 11 last night saying "are you ok?" I had four kids in my bed (mine and next door) so i didnt reply and then went downstairs to open presents as youngest was going on a playdate at 9.30 and wanted me to open them before that.

At ten past 9 i had a long second message from him saying that he had been reaching out and that if since i hadnt replied then i should block him on that medium too so that i wouldnt have to endure him being tempted to communicate with me!

I replied and said can you wait half an hour for me to wake up, kids are bombarding me and i only just saw it and need to get DD onto her playdate at half past. He said OK fine.

Then playdate didnt turn up until 10am. During that half an hour my stress levels went through the roof- i was messaging the mum to explain how to find my house as it can be confusing, (she didnt reply so i didnt know how long) and answering work stuff and periodically taking DD out to the road in case they couldnt find it. But mostly, I know the stress reaction was because I needed to reply to him and could imagine him getting more and more impatient with every passing minute and was just waiting for him to start sending more and more nasty messages.

I finally replied to him and apologised for the delay and said that I hadnt seen his message last night and DD had only just gone and i was stressed out. He asked why? as if he hadnt exerted the pressure himself. I said about him following up to complain that i hadnt replied to his message within ten minutes of reading it on my birthday when the kids had an inset day and i was trying to work two jobs. By the time i had typed this he had sent a message saying "are you coming out with me later?"😱I told him a week ago that i wasnt and i said so again. He said he knew but he was asking again. And then repeatedly badgered me to come out this evening. I said that I had plans with the kids and needed to have a stress free day.
Him " I want to take you out later and it's important to me"
Me " it is important to me that you respect my boundaries and give me space when i ask for it not throw conflicting ultimatums into the mix."
Him "I'd hoped you'd have recognised my suggestions you do the running but ok"
Me. "I'm sorry but i am not going to run after you when you have broken all your promises not to pressure me. I'm devastated but we have to agree that we are fundamentally incompatible."
Him: OK, if youre not prioritising me, making an effort for me and us, then we have no future. I put you above all else and you dont."
Me. " I need compassion and flexibility and you need certainty and commitment. And me being a priority would have meant not doing everything you said you wouldnt do twelve hours later."
He then followed up with two forwarded messages from his ex wife saying that he deserved someone who would prioritise him and treat him well and not to have to walk on eggshells (this was a particularly low blow as he had already taken her away as a source of support. )
Then: "So... come out with me later or we should just leave it."
Me: "Look its my birthday, I appreciate you like to stick the knife in but you have already caused me stress this morning. Please, if you think for one second that you love me stop bullying me on my birthday. I am not coming out with you. An ultimatum is not love or prioritising it is abusive. I thought we already had left it. Please dont contact me again"

Him: "I'm not bullying you...Im honestly just devastated, I had you on such a high pedestal. had so much devotion and it was never returned. I wont (contact you)"
1 minute later
Him: "I want to marry you".
Me: " you are bullying me and harrassing me. I asked you to stop and you didnt. Please dont contact me again. "
Him. "...and thats how i treated you.
Me " you dont bully or pressure someone you want to marry. Your angry actions speak louder than your meaningless words. Please dont contact me again"
Him; "Block me. Easy fix".

So there we go. If there was any doubt left he stuck the knife in on my birthday and expected me to say how high when i said jump.
If I had any opinion of him left he has proven everything you allsaid 😰

Ive literally quoted it verbatim so that you can tell me if i was unreasonable (other than in responding at all- but I was hoping to avoid conflict on my birthday!)

Why are you even having conversations with this fuckwit?

And myers-briggs is about as much use as astrology. Your ex is a bully who wants to dominate you. The only way to deal with that is to walk away.

I'm sorry, but you never should've answered his first text!! Have you blocked him now?

How many times are you going to explain to him what you need?

He is NEVER going to give you what you need.

He is NEVER going to listen to you.

He will NOT change, no matter how much you explain.

You need to wake up and block him

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've been following your thread and rooting for you, but you need to put your big girl panties on and cut him out of your life.

FFS..... can you not see that the way you are behaving us in no way rational

This is insane

I only replied because i wanted to avoid conflict on my birthday and didnt want him to ruin it. And because i had some hope that we could end it on a nice note instead of an angry one. Stupid stupid stupid

I know how to block whatsapp but can you block texts and emails?

You can absolutely block texts and messages. I know it's hard, but you need to stop engaging with him full stop. Nothing. Block him everywhere you can. If he managed to get through on withheld number - hang up, do not say anything.

If you think he's not going to respect any of this, I would send him one last message:

Hi XXX. Our relationship is over. I no longer wish to have any communication with you whatsoever. I will be blocking and removing you. Please do not contact me again.

When he then decides to harass you, you can go to the police.

But please - enough is enough. You do not deserve this. You are so much better than this man is. Let him go, bin him off. I guarantee you that after Christmas you will be the happiest you have ever been without him in your life.

So despite all the advice you have read and the reams you have written about your mental health being compromised and him being a relentless bully........

You, with children to mind and a busy job, decided to engage, apologise and engage again with him.

He didn't spoil your birthday.

You did.

You chose to answer.

No one forced you to answer him.
You chose to.

Your day is ruined, because of your choices.

You have appalling judgement and clearly put this toxic engagement ahead of your children's best interests.

You 100% chose to answer and engage with him.
You had absolutely no need to.

I think you must be very unwell to get a buzz from this drama.

It is not one bit normal to actively seek out to engage with such drama.

You need to stop thinking about this utter headcase who is toying with you and more about the poor children that you are responsible for.

THEY deserve so much better than this.

Block him now and get help.

It will never end on a nice note because from his POV you are the one who ruined everything (not saying that’s true, but as I said in my previous post this is how he feels. Those messages are almost identical to ones I’ve had with an ex who I had a very traumatic time).

You hit the nail on the head when you said you need compassion and flexibility and he needs certainty and commitment. You are fundamentally incompatible. As much as I’ve worked on my BPD I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who couldn’t offer me certainty and didn’t want to resolve conflict straight away. I even joke to my now-partner that he’s never done anything to bring out my ‘evil side’ because we’re so aligned in what we want from our relationship that we’ve never had an argument.

People who retreat and need space and silence are intensely triggering to me (and probably him) and I’ve now learned that I just can’t date them. He will never respect or understand that that’s how you deal with stuff, he genuinely believes you are pushing him away and showing you don’t care, and that you’re the one in the wrong. That’s why he won’t accept it or end things on a nice note. If his BPD (if he has it) was anything like how mine manifested when I was hurt and angry he now may actively want to hurt you or be plotting some kind of revenge. I recognise now this isn’t healthy but at the time when I felt really wronged it seemed like a proportionate reaction and probably will to him too. You need to block him on EVERYTHING and threaten him with the police if he contacts you again, that’s the only way to get him to leave you alone. You will never see eye to eye because his mind doesn’t work like yours.

Stop engaging, try to stop thinking about him. He’s an abuser , get him out your head too. Do the Freedom Programme so that you don’t find yourself in yet another abusive relationship.

*stress reaction was because I needed to reply to him and could imagine him getting more and more impatient with every passing minute and was just waiting for him to start sending more and more nasty messages.

I finally replied to him and apologised for the delay*

Why, lovely? Why, oh, why?

Why put yourself through this?

You don't owe anyone an answer to any message. You told him you had broken up with him. The first time he tests that to see whether you were going to enforce that bounds, you let yourself get stressed by the knowledge that he is getting impatient.

What are you doing to yourself?

as if he hadnt exerted the pressure himself.

To be fair, he really has done such a number in you are doesn't even need to exercise the pressure himself, you do that every time you reply.

Honestly, lovely, just stop replying to him. It's as simple as that. Do not read his messages, emails, WhatsApp's, white banners streaming out behind an aeroplane.

Just ignore.

As soon as you ignore him, you take away all his power to hurt you (and your children) and take it back for yourself.

As PP have mentioned, I would send him a 'cease and desist' message so you have proof for the police that you have asked him to stop. Answering his stupid responses could be read as some infantile way to provoke a reaction from him

Just stop. All the very best.

Any time you find yourself tempted to reply to him, pick up and reread the

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

It will really benefit you.

Please stop engaging with him and trying to get him to see reason. You're assuming that he's a nice, straightforward person like you who ultimately just wants a happy, loving relationship - for whatever reason, he isn't and never will be.

Your birthday isn't ruined by the way! You have plans with your kids for later and you are going to have a lovely time. Onwards and upwards.

By Christmas, your username is going to be Fuckingfabulousmumoftwo. Promise.