Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

OP, I don't want to panic you, but how likely is it that your son will tell someone at nursery that Daddy threw something at him? (Because I'm fairly certain that it would feel like it was at him and not just near him). If he does, then they would probably have to notify a social worker.

As someone who was brought up in a household ruled by an angry, aggressive man, please don't do this to your son.

Sorry haven’t read full thread yet. I think what you said under your breath was not passive aggressive (if you were saying it quietly to your husband to minimise undermining him). Your child had been given two contradictory instructions and you gave the instruction before your husband and I think that can be pointed out.

Well, it could be pointed out if you were parenting with a reasonable partner, but you seem to be parenting with a partner who struggles to control himself in front of his children and this is his fault it is not yours. He needs to get a grip of his emotions and arranging a calm and focused morning routine is separate to this. You’d have different responses if you posted on the relationships board. The ‘under your breath’ thing could also be fear of his reactions.

So YOU already said he could have playdoh and got it out to give to him.

He took the playdoh and said 'no you can't have it'

He then accused YOU of undermining him when you corrected him to say you already agreed he could so it was actually HIM that undermined your agreement with DS.

I am a single parent and reading posts like this makes me throw my hands up in relief and joy that my children aren’t subjected to this kind of home environment.

putting this situation aside oP - what is your relationship otherwise like with your DH?

Can't believe the number of posters supporting the DH who acted aggressively in front of a child.

Anyone with a toddler knows that you can't just arrive in a room and announce that they need to stop playing and go. All toddlers need some time.

Also - what's wrong with playdoh in the morning when you have 2 hours to spare? Some posters are getting more worked up by the mess of some playdoh crumbs than a grown man acting aggressively in front of a child.

@SmashedPots I'm so sorry your lovely morning went to hell...and let your DH apologise and snivel all he wants to, I'm afraid it's just manipulation to try and get himself out of the hole he put himself in.

His behaviour was DISGUSTING and ABUSIVE - I know this because I asked my husband to leave after an almost identical situation, it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and suddenly I knew what I had to do.

Get yourself some IRL support love, and get shot of him. Maybe the shock of being asked to leave will spur him into getting some help, this isn't about anger management this is about abuse - as a PP said, I bet he doesn't behave like this with his friends or at work. But unless he does some work to make himself into a better person, you and the DC will be better off without him.

When did this happen OP?

But HE undermind her.

He changed the agreement that existed before he came in without warning not her, she was informing him he was wrong which he was.

He doesn't get to undermine her parenting then claim he is the victim when she returns the original status quo.

It sounds like this isn’t a one-off. You need to think very carefully about what kind of life your children are going to have if their father continues to behave this way (which he will).

I don't think you were in the wrong at all.

If having play doh on a morning works for you and your son then so be it. If your Husband was doing more you may have other ways to keep him distracted whilst making the baby food.

I'm a mom of potential ASD and my husband just doesnt understand why I do things sometimes, but I am the calm one and this works with my child.

My bet is, he feels like he has no control and he lost his rag because of this.

DH absolutely wrong but it sounds like he realises that.
Even if DS was trampling playdoh into the carpet his reaction would have been OTT.
Sounds a bit like you've all been getting ready and sorted and keeping things going (all morning) but when "big man" comes downstairs you all have to jump to attention. Not a good attitude for him to have and he needs to get over himself.

You both to blame and you need a better morning routine.

DH comes downstairs at 7.30am to leave at 7.35am.

Can he not come down earlier to help keep DS entertained while you're looking after the baby? Wy are you solely responsible?

But you also need to consider if you DO undermine him in front of DC. Sounds like this resentment has been brewing for a while.

How on earth are they both to blame??

The morning routine is just fine and was working just fine until the big man tried to come in and bulldoze his way round. He is not the boss of the house and she did not undermine him - he undermined her.

Absolutely this.

Truly shocking behaviour.

Highly abusive.

You poor woman.

Please do not try and convince yourthis is anything other than abuse snd DV.

Ring the school to check on him.
Ring Women's aid for a chat.
Tell work that you need support.

Tell family and friends that you need support.

You and your children deserve better.

His tears are pure manipulation.
Do not fall for it.

Your poor little boy.

I am the mean mum. If he did not find a solution for himself, by the times I do the rules, hubby will not be happy. Guess what ? It's final. So my solution might not be the best. Here it goes. If Hubby gets to make the morning rules, he gets to do the tasks too. Otherwise he shuts up forever. In your situation, it's super easy, you are free load : you are responsible for everything that goes wrong if ever the child is not ready for school. Cannot work. Will not work, does not work. He gets to do the "no play doh " rule? Honey booboo gets to do the dressing up the feeding etc etc etc. from 5 AM. He has to be in charge of toddler in the morning, and promise, it will go like a breeze. Because if daddy says you stay in your room to play until I pick you up to do the washing up the eating the dressing etc, guess what, this is exactly what is going to happen. Kids are no fool. The best way to stop undermining the brat is to get out of his hair. You each have one kid to take care for, fair enough.
Your son knows exactly what he is doing and his ears function perfectly. There is no way he did not hear what you said to his dad. You were both wrong. And you were undermining hubby, long term disaster. And you are both making this situation unsustainable. Expectations are unrealistic on both sides. Work hard to find a solution, being in the right will do nothing for your relationship or for the upbringing of little toddler.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I don't understand why everyone is so against your toddler playing in the morning. Especially if he's suspected to be autistic, and the Play Doh calms him. If autism is involved, transitioning from one activity to another can be very hard, and for your husband to just march in, change the atmosphere, start demanding your 3yr old leave immediately, that's just not going to work.

His attitude is what the problem is, and ruining what was otherwise a calm, enjoyable morning for the two of you. Does he have to be at preschool if he's struggling?

have only read OPs posts.

OP, do you acknowledge that it was wrong to have got more Play-doh out at that time and that the under your breath muttering is PA and also wrong? Because until you acknowledge that, as we see in all your posts, you are not admitting how you contributed to the fracas.
Your DH was completely in the wrong to continue (or even start) shouting, throwing the play-doh down etc. But I can imagine if this is a regular thing, he feels frustrated because you think you are always right and he is always wrong. But when things are calm you two need to have a talk about your PA muttering and his tantrums.

Him not taking part in the morning routine is a separate issue you need to get sorted out, and you can use this morning of an example of why your DH should at least be with your DS from at least 7am, and working him towards leaving the house in that time.

If I was in your position and things were usually not this bad (if this is the first time he had shouted and sworn at me and thrown anything) then I would be having a serious talk about it but be clear that if it happens again it would be the last time.

Playdoh when getting ready for school is a nuts idea..But this is why children can add stress to relationships.
Both of you need to be on the same page.

No shouting and throwing, and no undermining. 50/50 at fault here.

And you are already in the red flag zone. And you know it. I hope this is the first and the last time this occurs.

The morning routine is just fine

@TangledWebofMincemeatDeception No it's not. The OP is doing everything for both kids from 5.45am, while trying to get herself ready for work while the big man is still lying in bed. That is not fine.

I have two children, one of whom has ASD.

You're both in the wrong tbh. I would also consider that your DH also has some sort of ASD/ADHD - it is generally inherited anyway.

My DH definitely does and literally cannot cope with the noise etc. He thinks you should tell a child to do something and they should just do it (although hilariously he doesn't work like that at all!) Of course, children with ASD just can't cope with that.

So things have got a lot better in our house just by making a couple of changes.

Looking at your situation - you just need to accept that your child gets up early. If you both work full time you both should be taking turns to get up. You are clearly resenting him for having a lie in every morning (understandable)

Secondly - get your child dressed at 5.45am then he can do/play with whatever he needs to. You don't do the getting dressed bit last. Get the child ready End of. It also means it tells their brain they are going to be going out of the house so it's not sprung upon them. You know what time they're leaving - you need to give your DS the notice that play doh is going to be disappearing. in half an hour/in 20 mins./ in 10 mins/ any minute now when Daddy calls you. Not fair at all on your DH to have to do that with minutes to spare - that is what caused the meltdown.

It's all very well people saying the DH should be getting the child ready etc but in reality if he can't cope with a non neuro typical child, you forcing him to do it is not suddenly going to magically make him amazing at it. Work at your strengths. However, the fact he emerges downstairs at 7,30 beggars belief. Can't he have the baby whilst you have DS??!

We have worked through this by accepting where our strengths are. My DH is not good at coping with getting our DS ready. He is though perfectly capable of dealing with our DD. Split the workload.

Absolutely am not minimising but it doesn't seem like she wants his help as she stated that when its just her and kids everything is calm and perfect?

This is why i suggested talking without kids and making a proper plan as that sort of blowing up is unacceptable. But if he has apologised and she has accepted and says this isn't his normal behaviour it makes sense to figure out a way to move forward that works for both of them.

None of us are perfect.

@Brefugee The OP has already admitted that she was also wrong.

It clearly wasn't working just fine! She's even said her DS has ASD suspected. So she will know transitions are difficult and you literally have to give a million warnings that 'play doh' or whatever youre doing is going to change shortly.

She clearly gave him no warning and didn't have him ready to go.

No way on god's earth I would give my ASD kid play doh just before needing to get in the car!