Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

I feel like there is a lot of chat here about how you can do better in the mornings, or with you DC, but you aren’t the problem, your DH is. No one’s perfect. You do whatever is working for you. DHs behaviour was completely unacceptable and the fact he doesn’t do his fair share in the morning (it’s not ‘helping you’ it’s parenting) would be a deal breaker for me. Up to you if you want to live like this, but DH sounds like just one more thing for you to manage. Could you give him a shock and ask him to leave for a bit? Might give him a chance for him to reassess and realise what he could lose if he doesn’t get his act together.

Oh from that perspective I totally agree with you. I meant that what OP was doing on the day was working just fine. There was no need for him to come barging in throwing his irrelevant and redundant weight around.

Ignore the people criticising you for letting him have play doh, they haven't the first idea about parenting a child with additional needs.
I also don't think your comment was passive-aggressive, it was certainly a dig but entirely justified given that everything was moving along nicely until your 'd'h showed up.
My dh has never behaved like that but has sometimes jumped in, issuing diktats and making everything worse. I have an 11 year old with asd and a teenager and it is so important to pick your battles. I am the one who has gone on parenting courses, read books and is constantly seeking to improve their knowledge and understanding so I have certainly intervened on occasions. i try to do it out of earshot of the kids but that is not always possible. You can call that undermining if you like but when someone is showing zero understanding of their child and making a difficult situation 100 time worse then they fucking deserve to be undermined. My dh makes much more of an effort now to stay calm let the smaller things go and his reward is a much-improved relationship with his children.
I really feel for you, op, it sounds like you are doing everything to support your son and it is so tough. I would be expecting serious action on the part of my husband after this. You and your ds deserve so much better.

@CoastalWave i also agree with all the advice you gave in the longer paragraph above.

You sound like an amazing mum OP I have 2DC that are autistic (I have 5DC) have you looked into fiddle toys for your son? There are tons available now,fidget spinners and pop toys are amazing and they're all in one piece and non messy so alot easier to dress a DC whilst they continue to play.

The OP has already admitted that she was also wrong.

ah, ok sorry, OP clearly i need to pay better attention.

I would say your comment triggered the argument.
The blow up may have been brewing for a while if DH often feels you undermine him.

I think you were in the wrong for the comment, but DH also in the wrong for reacting like that in front of the child.

Meant ‘comment’, not paragraph!!

Sigh. More coffee needed.

@SmashedPots i agree with pp above, you sound like a great mum doing a great job. Hopefully you can find a way to involve your OH more - if he’s committed to changing his behaviour - to shoulder his half of parenting responsibilities in a way that works to his strengths and makes things better and easier for all of you. However, having said that, he needs to control his impulses better without exception. Shouting, swearing and throwing things is completely unacceptable and absolutely can’t happen again.

But he undermined her!

Your husband is obviously struggling and may he be feeling upset over your sons diagnosis or in denial even?

your husband really does need to come down stairs at 7 it’s crazy to just walk in the room and make demands when you have created such a good system

Agreed - sounds like this isn't the first time your kid has witnessed you both fighting.

if he said "stop shouting" or "stop being noisy" etc... but to say "stop fighting" is a bit... worrying

I think there's something to be said for the view that if you choose to live with a grizzly bear, it's wisest to tiptoe round it and not poke or provoke it in any way.

Of course, most people wouldn't choose to live like this.

This should really have been in your Op as it’s really vital.

You didn’t undermine your DH while he was in the middle of getting organised.
He undermined you in the middle of getting your DS ready.

It sounds like your DH hasn’t a clue how to deal with your child and his needs.
The throwing stuff in front of the child would be a massive line for me. He’d need to find himself a parenting course and actually commit to doing it and learning and helping or I’d be giving serious consideration to leaving.

Sounds like you’re already doing most of it solo so you wouldn’t miss much in his help. You may even find your house calmer if you’re not waiting on him losing his rag with your DC.

Why have you posted on AIBU when by your responses you clearly don’t think you are. It sounds as if you let your DS run riot and DH isn’t allowed any input on how you parent him. A reaction like that doesn’t come from being undermined once, it sounds as if it’s your way or the high way.

So you're married to a lazy man who has no ability to adjust his behaviour for a child with additional needs and who is aggressive and violent. And some people think that's your fault?

That's the first rule of misogyny : women are responsible for what men do

I think you are both in the wrong, and honestly I would step back, forgive yourself, forgive your DH, take stock and re group as parents and have each other’s back. He never shouts or swears, never throws things. If you are the one to get up early, go to bed early and he does child stuff in the evening.

Esp if your child may have ASD you are really setting this up to fail:

• giving playdoh is a high ‘favoured’ actvity - followed by I presume a not so favored activity - getting in the car for school and leaving the playdoh.
• this is always going to stress out your child before school.
• have a clear morning routine. If it includes playdoh, then this is left for another favored activity as breakfast (not a low motivating activity such as getting dressed).
• immediately before school have low favoured activity such as brushing teeth.
• have a ‘high’ motivating activity that happens in the car on the way to school such as iPad or object.

Also, I would say, in defense of your DH - if your child does have additional needs, if you don’t put good routine in now you are going to be for a world of problems as the child grows. This is a critical time to get on top of this, I don’t think Sen kids do that well without good, structured but responsive parenting where problems are headed off, prevented.

Perhaps the DH would have more input if he didn’t lay in bed until 5 minutes before the time he wants to leave?

Why have you posted on AIBU when by your responses you clearly don’t think you are. It sounds as if you let your DS run riot and DH isn’t allowed any input on how you parent him. A reaction like that doesn’t come from being undermined once, it sounds as if it’s your way or the high way.

A reaction like that comes from being an abusive twat. Stop making excuses for his abuse. From the OP's posts I doubt it's the first time either.

Yeah your routine works for your kid. It would be shit for mine.

Stop excusing male aggression and violence.

In what world are we now pandering to this abusive behaviour?? We are getting so many simpering posts of forgive yourself, forgive him etc etc.

If these posts are for real, then there are so many children growing up in traumatic, dangerous and dysfunctional families where this stuff happens, and we brush it under the rug and repeat the next day under the guise of it was the mother's fault.

It is not the mother's fault. I thought we had got past this by now.

It is 2022 and it is so depressing to read this bullshit on here.

It is NEVER okay to shout and swear repeatedly, and throw things in temper and scream uncontrollably in front of tiny children. Never. Not to blame someone else for undermining/taking control of parenting/being annoying or not being fast enough. There is never ever ever ever ever ever a good enough excuse for this behaviour to ever be okay. It is abuse pure and simple.

This is a fully grown bully of a man that has screamed and shouted, swore repeatedly and has thrown an object extremely close to his young baby and toddler.

In what world is this ever okay.

I have found this thread very disturbing and so depressing to read.

It might be possible to be more sympathetic to the husband 'putting in a good routine' if he was actually awake and actively parenting.

Pretty hard to practice structured and responsive parenting if you're in a different room, horizontal and have your eyes shut. I've never managed it myself.

@Venetiaparties well said, I couldn't agree more.

If you have been up for 2hrs then I think having play doh out is not unreasonable especially if son uses it to calm down.
Your comment to your husband was perfectly reasonable and his reaction,language and tone of voice totally unreasonable.
You are definitely not in the wrong and I would be having a very serious chat with him this evening about his behaviour.

@SmashedPots I don't think you did anything wrong. What you said in disagreement with him, you said under your breath so your DC didn't hear.

Then you were just trying to get him not to shout in front of your child.

That your child said 'stop fighting' implies he may have seen these things happen before.